WASHINGTON — Local mom Melissa Weir traveled to the Capitol this week to confront Frances Haugen, the Facebook whistleblower, demanding to know why the eating disorders allegedly exacerbated for many young teens by Instagram did not work on her own daughter.
“When I heard the news that Instagram was causing body image issues in teen girls, I was horrified, because my 15-year-old daughter uses that app every day, and she doesn’t seem to be anorexic at all,” Weir said, crying as she held up a photo of her daughter, who appeared to be a confident and healthy teen. “I’d settle for bulimia, too, if I weren’t so worried about her teeth. I don’t even want to tell you how much we paid for her orthodontia. I’ve tried passive aggressive comments when she reaches for desserts, offers to pay for a Noom membership, I even suggested she join me for a Whole 30, but she wasn’t interested.”
“Zuckerberg is giving millions of American girls lifetimes of dysmorphia. Why is my daughter being left behind?” she added.
Despite Haugen’s bombshell leaks, executives at Facebook insist they did everything in their power to victimize all teens equally.
“Our data shows that the addictive nature of our social media platforms should inspire feelings of worthlessness across all ages and genders, and any result that suggested a particular group was favored in terms of the distribution of self-loathing was merely coincidental, and not by design,” said Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook. “As a mom, I understand concern that your daughter might not get the chance to experience dysmorphia, one of the most fundamental experiences of being an American woman. From one mom to another, my advice is to lean in. When your daughter sees you as a leader in the field of meal-skipping or calorie-counting, she’ll be inspired to take up those same behaviors.”
Psychologist Marcia Preece noted that parents disappointed in their children’s response to Facebook and Instagram should still be optimistic.
“The pharmaceutical industry has made significant inroads in this area, and parents who would like to see their children slim down would be surprised at just how effective an Adderall habit can be,” Preece explained, pulling out her Rx pad to offer prescriptions to those gathered around her. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg! If your daughter has shown dissatisfaction with the restrictions and expectations society is putting on her body, an antidepressant could make her care significantly less. An SSRI may make her gain weight, but on the plus side, you can be sure she won’t have much of a sex drive.”
At press time, Weir was appealing to other mothers gathered on Capitol Hill to consider joining her multi-level marketing company to sell make-up to women in their home districts.