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Well I Misunderstood the Intent Behind a Purity Ring and Now I Can’t Get It off My Dick

First of all, I don’t see what’s so funny about this. I am in a lot of pain, and I’m just looking for advice on how to move forward from here so please, spare me your jokes. Honestly, they way people have reacted so far you would think I was the first dude to ever done this, which I know cannot be true. Now, does anyone have any advice for getting this purity ring off of my throbbing, swollen member?

Why did I put it on my penis? Let’s just say I’m not big on metaphors, okay? When I was told this ring could keep me pure in the eyes of The Lord I assumed I was supposed to wear it on my penis. I mean how is it supposed to help me stay chaste if it’s on my finger? My finger doesn’t get sinful erections like my dick does. If it goes on my penis though it keeps away the devils divining rod if you know what I mean.

Look it’s an easy mistake to make okay?! My cousin is in college and he told me you don’t go to hell for finger banging, so why would I assume it goes on my finger? If you ask me it’s the guys who do this right the first time that have a screw loose.

Alright, in retrospect I suppose I should have known it wasn’t supposed to go directly on my penis. When I got sized up for the ring they were surprised how girthy of a ring I needed. Yeah that’s right, this Christian soldier is rocking a penis significantly larger than his finger. I don’t mean to brag but it’s a real two loaves and a fish situation down here. That’s why I needed something to prevent myself from being tempted! Except I failed to take into account swelling and now I can’t get this off, no pun intended.

You would think that maybe my youth pastor could have pointed out the mistake when I asked him to help me get it on, but he had zero questions and seemed very eager to assist.

Yeah sure laugh at the man with his dick stuck in a ring. You won’t be laughing after you burn in hell for all that premarital sex you had during med school. Besides, even if I lose my dick it will be in Heaven singing god’s praises waiting for me to get there.

So go ahead and laugh at the “moron” who had to have his junk amputated, I’ll rest comfortably knowing my cock is seated at the right hand of the father. Or the left, if he gets bored and wants to mix it up.