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Opinion: Straight Edge is the Only Vaccine I Need

The vaccine debate isn’t going anywhere. Thankfully, I’ve never had to participate in any of it because my lifelong commitment to a poison-free lifestyle is way more effective against COVID than any bullshit vaccine on the market. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson all pale in comparison to the straight edge.

Big Pharma has been pushing their drugs on society for far too long, and I won’t give in to their peer pressure campaign. These Xs on my hands mean I’ll never let some medical intern turn me into a vaccine junkie in some tent in a parking lot. I took an oath when I was 13 years old and I can never turn my back on that. Even if all my friends already have, and even if there are no real-world repercussions to breaking edge.

I know you might have your doubts about my claims, but you’re most likely an alcoholic moron puffing on your 40th Newport of the day, and I don’t have time to get into a debate with you. So here are some facts that I feel are true.

•If everyone was straight edge drunk driving fatalities would go to zero overnight.

•Not a single straight edge person died of an opioid overdose this year.

•Listening to “Firestorm” on repeat completely repels COVID, the divebombs are played at a frequency that obliterates the virus

•The straight edge lifestyle has “social distancing” built into the structure of it all. You can’t infect someone if they never wanted to hang out with you in the first place.

I feel sorry for people who need to stick a needle in their arm just to make it through a pandemic. It’s a crutch, and it’s pathetic. Besides, straight edge people are far more productive. When you don’t have a hangover you can get so much more done. When you aren’t invited to parties you have so much more time to work on your zine. The fact that you don’t have any friends left leaves your schedule wide open to learn things like woodworking, or making soap at home.

Look, I’ll be real with you. I come from a family of addicts. Taking the vaccine could lead me down a slippery slope of vaccine addictions. It starts with COVID, then suddenly I’m knocking off a pediatrician for doses of the MMR vaccine. That’s not the life I want to lead. My choice is clear. Straight edge forever. It’s the best defense in the world.