I won’t lie, I definitely take better care of my dog’s health than I do my own. I want to ensure that he lives as…
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — A team of scientists was left bewildered after a series of tests definitively proved that smashed guitars feel pain and anguish when…
ATLANTA — Thirty-four-year-old music enthusiast Dave Kelly went to exhaustive efforts to determine if his local music venue The Pit Stop offered any form of…
Get this, hepcats: we sat down with one of the red hot jazz combos of our times, the Frankie Tops Quintet, and wouldn’t you know…
Ow! Seriously, that really fucking hurts! It feels like you’re slowly slitting my bicep with a hot, wet scalpel. I guess now I know how…
TUCSON, Ariz. — 30-year-old Joann Kim suffered a three-day hangover after walking by the liquor aisle at her local grocery store, solemn sources confirmed. “I…
SEATTLE — Overambitious elder millennial Janine Angler was released from the hospital yesterday and is expected to make a full recovery after standing at the…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local straight edge 22-year-old Niki Mishtia once again proved that he is perfectly capable of acting like a moron without using alcohol…
NASHVILLE — Legendary guitar manufacturer Gibson Brands, Inc. announced an incredibly weighty successor to its famous Les Paul guitar, monikered the More Paul, sources who…
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local punk Maddie Conyard tied her beloved tour van to a tree and shot it yesterday after it suffered a broken axle,…
SEATTLE — Aging punk Tia Cantor was reportedly thrilled with the “life changing” new shoe inserts she received as a 40th birthday present, sources confirmed.…
BEND, Ore. — Alleged “biracial poser” and local punk Liz Watson disappointed white stranger Dana Fields yesterday by inadequately naming three origin stories deemed exotic…
PARKER, Colo. — Middle-aged CPA Ken Feeney has no idea what to think today after MTV enthusiastically responded to a “humiliating” and “stomach-churning” audition tape…
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — A new podcast by an Indiana University-Bloomington sophomore created to discuss emerging math rock bands abruptly switches between being so quiet as…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — An artistically noisy altercation between neighbors escalated yesterday when Sonic Youth’s “Confusion Is Sex” was cranked to full volume and used…