PITTSBURGH — A local bouncer at the popular nightclub Shotbar manned his post last night with the adamant mindset to keep the COVID-19 Delta Variant out unless it has at least two girls to bring in with it.
“Safety is our main concern above all else,” said bouncer Charlie Montagg. “Well, hot girls are probably our main concern, but safety is a close second. We would never put people in danger, but if a Delta variant particle pulled up in a stretch hummer with three models on each arm, it would be difficult to turn them away. We try to keep the ratio of at least two girls for every deadly virus mutation here, and I’ve had to toss out a few scraggly-looking COVID variants that are just here to cause trouble. We can only focus on the guy-to-girl ratio in the club, not the white blood cell ratio inside your body, that one is on you.”
Shotbar owner Michael Hannick commented on the nightclub’s policy regarding the Delta variant.
“I’m all for COVID restrictions… until they inconvenience my business literally in any way, that’s where I draw the line,” said Hannick. “I mean, what’s worse: a horrible pandemic that has a death toll in the millions, or a sausage fest? If I’m going to die a slow, painful ICU death, I might as well get some strange the night before. Sure, most of the girls we let in without masks or vaccination cards I’ll never see again, but trust me, the only thing we’re superspreading is a wild night out among adults looking to let loose.”
Pittsburgh Hospital Chief of Medicine Howard Grimly defended the club’s unorthodox admittance policy.
“We’ve started to implement the exact same idea in our emergency room — two girls for every guy,” Grimly said. “Now the coronavirus is the last thing on our patient’s minds, because they’re too busy chatting up all the hot singles. The other day an elderly man brought in his grandson who was sick but too young to get vaccinated, and we sent them packing. Can’t have those guys killing the vibe and have people leaving for another, cooler hospital.”
At press time, Shotbar management was forced to ban Delta Variant from the club after the virus exposed itself to several female members of the staff.