Real Life Freddy Krueger? This Janitor Just Got His Ass Kicked by Some Teens

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Did we just discover a real life Freddy Krueger? This high school janitor from Springwood, Ohio totally got his ass kicked by some teens. Wild!

According to witnesses at the scene between the cafeteria and Mrs. Norring’s Social Studies class, it was “totally crazy.” Reportedly, the janitor in question was emptying garbage when a bunch of upperclassmen jumped out of nowhere and began completely whaling on him. After students forced the custodian to eat the garbage in question, he ran off to the school’s boiler room, which students described as “way more foreboding and dramatic than you’d expect, with chains randomly hanging down from the ceiling for no apparent reason.”

Wow! This guy must be a real creep to get his ass beat down like that.

While the faculty of the school roundly condemned a member of their staff getting his candy-ass kicked from here to next Sunday by several teens in varsity jackets, they had to admit that the janitor’s regular outfit of a fedora and two-toned striped shirt made it hard not to at least slap him around a bit.

C’mon, weird janitor, a fedora? You’re not Timberlake in 2007!

Though this is hardly the first time some crusty-ass custodian who had been warned about calling students “bitch” under his breath got his face turned into a pepperoni pizza by a football team, local experts in paranormal phenomena are worried that it could be a crucial incident that “weakens the barriers between dreams and reality, allowing all manner of terrible slashings and ironic deaths to occur.” But, it goes without saying that these ghost doctors or whoever are huge dorks, and are just mad because each time they think they discover a spooky poltergeist moaning in the woods it turns out to be some of those aforementioned cool high schoolers either kicking more ass or engaging in sexual congress.

Take a chill pill, mysterious experts speaking forebodingly from darkened rooms! It’s just a janitor!

So if this teaches us anything, it’s that it’s perfectly alright to attack a creepy janitor and there will never be consequences for it, not even in terrifying dreamscapes!

Ignorant 6-Year-Old Rambling on About Future Dreams as if Planet Is Still Going To Exist by Then

Posted on by Nadia Sadri

BROWNSVILLE, Texas — Six-year-old Danny Crothers is reportedly continuing to discuss his future dreams with no regard to the fact that the planet won’t even exist by then, annoyed sources confirmed.

“When I grow up I want to be a marine biologist, and also a doctor, and maybe an actor, too,” explained the blissfully ignorant child, unprompted. “Last year I got to swim with some dolphins for my birthday, and they were so cool! I want to be like one of those scientists who makes documentaries about the ocean and then shows everybody how we can help all the animals.”

Crother’s parents admitted that they work hard to be good influences on their kids, but their child’s constant hoping and dreaming makes it feel like they are failing as parents.

“It’s embarrassing when he starts talking to our friends about all of these big plans he has. We keep telling him that all those ‘cool’ animals in the ocean are going to be dead before he even gets to college, so maybe he should try finding some other interests,” said Danny’s father, William Crothers. “It was sort of charming at first, but now it just makes me angry. Like how ignorant can you be? At some point you have to educate yourself.”

Danny’s nine-year-old sister, Sarah, said she believes she’ll soon be able to convince him to give up on life.

“Danny looks up to me a lot, which is why I explain to him that he’s going into a dying field and should just give up already,” she said. “I learned to give up on my dreams when I was three. I may be an early bloomer, but I think Danny will get there soon. We’re already seeing the beginning of the end, so it’s time to take the last few years of our lives seriously. That’s why I’m going to follow in Aunt Andreia’s footsteps, and become a cop.”

At press time, the Crothers family was feeling more hopeful when Danny started crying about how much the world sucks and said it feels like he “can’t make a difference.”

I Get High With a Little Help From My Friends and a Lot of Help From These Pills I Stole From My Sister’s Purse

Posted on by James Knapp

Man, you guys are great. Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I had such a great — oh look, an owl — time. You truly are my best friends. You don’t even know much I love you. Everything is so perfect. The power of friendship really can make you blissfully euphoric.

It’s like every time I’m around you guys, and we steal pills from my sister’s purse, we have such a fun and pure time that it’s, like, spiritual. It reminds me of that one famous Beatles lyric, “Do drugs.” I forget if it was John or Paul who wrote that one.

What I’m trying to say is that tonight it doesn’t matter what bad shit is going on in the world. War. Genocide. Fuckin’ hurricanes. That shit doesn’t matter right now, because we’re all here and we’re all so present. I just wanna know if you guys are feeling cool and also do you think my sister is gonna be mad that I stole a bunch of pills from her purse. Or as she calls it, “the pharmacy.” And way too openly because she thinks mom will never catch on.

Oh boy, I think I took too much. I gotta sit. While I’m down here on the floor, could I get some nachos? And can you call me an ambulance? Preferably an ambulance that has nachos.

Bobby, come here. You’ve been my best bud for years. And Billy, well, your name is too close to Bobby’s so we may have to stop being friends. Sorry, I know you were the best man at my wedding, but right now your names are too similar and it’s gonna make me tear my shirt off and punch you.

Holy shit I feel like dancing. You guys are perfection.

So what are you guys feeling? Do we wanna hit another bar or — oh, the owl is back — do you wanna just meet me at the hospital? No, wait, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Damn. My sister needs to talk with her doctor, because this is hitting pretty hard for anxiety medication.

Taliban Decides to Ban Music Once Again After Accidentally Listening to Your Band’s Demo

Posted on by Contributor

KABUL, Afghanistan — High ranking members of the Taliban decided to once again ban music throughout Afghanistan after your band’s demo was inadvertently played during a policy meeting late last night, irate sources confirmed.

“When we took back our country, we agreed our new government wouldn’t be as strict as it was 25 years ago. But after hearing that ‘music,’ if that’s what you want to call it, I feel like our hands are tied,” said foreign minister Amir Khan Muttaqi about your lo-fi indie band’s new demo. “I’ve always believed that music provokes improper passions, but this was on another level. 35 seconds into the song a wave of rage washed over me that I could barely control. I’ve never touched a guitar, but I know I could do a better job than the hack they had. The whole thing sounded like it was recorded in a bunker in Shindand. Pure slop is the only way I could describe it.”

After learning of the harsh review, you admitted that you felt bad for taking away music from the people of Afghanistan.

“This seems like an overreaction on their part. My girlfriend said all the songs are really good, so maybe they were just listening to it on their laptop speakers,” you said while pacing around in your bedroom. “I think it’s really unfair that the Taliban government is passing judgment on us without even seeing the band live. We have a show at the Newark Legion Hall in two weeks. I’ll put every cabinet member on the guest list and we will rock their beards off. That’s a promise.”

Prominent Afghani musicians were devastated to hear the news of the music ban and will protest the reinstated policy.

“I think it’s an awful decision to ban all music based on the recordings of a crappy American band that rhyme ‘heart’ and ‘apart’ more than once in each of their songs, but after listening to the demo I can understand the Taliban’s thought process,” said independent musician Amin Kazimi. “Musicians around Kabul are trying to find ways to continue performing, but the punishment for playing music in any form is quite harsh. You could be beaten or imprisoned, and if anyone is caught playing your band’s demo then they will be killed on the spot. We are also urging all ‘emo rap’ artists to disable their Bandcamp pages — if the Taliban hears any of those recordings, things could get much worse for us.”

At press time, the U.S. Army is reportedly using your band’s demo at black sites around the globe as a tool in enhanced interrogation methods.

6 Wild Lemmy Stories That We Embellished a Bit Because He Mostly Just Sat Around in a Bar

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The two most badass words in Rock ‘n Roll: Lemmy. Kilmister. Hell, the man’s given last name is already cooler than any nickname you or I will ever have bestowed upon us. He is a rock god and the owner of history’s greatest set of mutton chops.

His sheer volume of drinking became the stuff of legends, so you’d think there would be a thousand fantastic stories about the man doing crazy things. But the thing is, off-stage he pretty much just sat around Los Angeles’ Rainbow Room, playing video poker and getting quietly tanked on Jack and Cokes. So, with that in mind, here are six absolutely crazy stories about Lemmy that we might have embellished just a little to make them more interesting:

The Time Lemmy Singlehandedly Slew the Dragon of Stoke-on-Trent: When Lemmy was just a young English lad growing up in Staffordshire, villagers near and far told stories of the fearsome dragon of Stoke-on-Trent, who collected the very finest pottery and hoarded them in its lair. So when he grew to be a man, Lemmy took Van Helsing’s personal Tojo blades, re-gifted to him by Ozzy Osbourne, and slew the dragon. Totally happened, don’t worry about looking it up.

The Time Lemmy Threw Slash to the Moon and Back: Back in ‘93, Lemmy had just gotten back from a tour of Spain and was in a baaaad mood. So when Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash sat on his favorite barstool, Lemmy picked up that guy by the top hat and flung him all the way to the moon faster than you can say “n-n-n-n-knees.” Fortunately for hard rock history, he later took pity on Slash, who spent his time on the moon crying, and rescued him from the Lunar Rock Monsters. That’s what we heard anyway.

The Time Lemmy Defeated Mirror-Universe Lemmy Once and For All: As we all know, Lemmy and Mirror-Universe Lemmy have been in conflict ever since a cocaine-related incident in Prague cracked the barriers between dimensions and allowed Mirror-Lemmy (with his white cowboy hat and hair over his entire face except for where sideburns would be) to cross over. Lemmy prevailed when he impaled his parallel self on the neck of a Rickenbacker 4000 Series bass guitar, but the dumb government covered it up, so you’ll just have to take our word for it.

When Lemmy Travelled Back in Time to Prevent Abraham Lincoln’s Murder But Then Lincoln Fell Down Some Stairs Immediately After: Tragic.

The Time Lemmy Wrote Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony: While Lemmy is mostly known for his magnetic stage presence and singing Triple H’s theme music, he was also an accomplished songwriter. Did you know that on one amphetamine-fueled night in 1974, he wrote the entirety of Symphony #5 by Ludwig Beethoven? Fuckin’ rock ‘n roll, man.

The Time Lemmy Was Our Real Dad: You can’t prove it’s not true. Please let us have this.

DIY Punk Newspaper 90% Obituaries

Posted on by Camden Brazile

DEKALB, Ill. — Staff of underground punk newspaper The Shattered Mirror, created by scene members for scene members, noticed a shocking statistic about their reporting: over 90% of their paper is obituaries.

“These days it seems like the only thing we write about is punks dying,” said Editor-in-Chief Marcus Henley. “I go to more funerals now than shows. Live shows are more fun, but funerals tend to smell better, even if there is a corpse there. I would love to write more about new releases, or profiles on bands, but it seems like every day we hear about a member of the scene dying because someone dared them to eat a beer bottle and the glass cut their intestinal wall, or their pet ferret gave them rabies. It’s not all bad, though. Obituaries really sell papers, and I can always count on grieving families to buy a copy.”

Fans of the paper have found that the obituaries help them stay updated on the scene more than any other type of news.

“I love seeing what everyone has been up to, even if that’s mostly just dying. I used to wonder if someone left the scene because they washed out or got a real job or something, but now I’m happy to know that it’s because they died siphoning gas out of someone’s lawnmower,” said avid reader Guy Monoghan. “Every week I just hope that I make it to the next paper, and I hope whenever I bite it, I’ll get a full spread on page four.”

Journalism industry insider Woody Black commented on the success of The Shattered Mirror and its unique content, suggesting the two were correlated.

“There’s a common newspaper adage that ‘if it bleeds, it leads,’ but in this paper it seems if it bleeds, it leads, follows, continues, and concludes. Death sells newspapers, so an audience with a much lower life expectancy is perfect for journalism,” said Black. “Newspapers everywhere are losing readers, but this one has remained profitable, especially with the often entertaining or strange causes of death the paper specializes in. They just need to hope the punk scene keeps attracting younger people, or else their readership is going to die off.”

The Shattered Mirror is expected to run a special edition this Sunday with a touching obituary for the paper’s copy editor who recently died after sticking a firecracker up their own ass.

Yet Again I’m the Only Cool Guy at This AA Meeting

Posted on by Camden Brazile

This is getting ridiculous. When I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I thought it would be a cool bunch of people swapping stories about drunk driving and stealing from your loved ones. Just a whole bunch of McNulty’s talking rock bottom shit. But after eight meetings, nobody here is even remotely on my level. No wonder you all want to remain anonymous. If I was as boring as you all, I wouldn’t want notoriety either.

I, on the other hand, fucking rule. Like last week when I shared my hilarious story of blacking out and shitting my pants at a wedding. Awesome, right? But when I got to the big reveal that it was actually my wedding, I did not get a single laugh from the audience. Instead, one of you put your hand on me and started talking about “sharing my pain” when you should’ve been offering to share some of that flask I’m sure you have. Come on, I know it’s not empty. I haven’t seen you pull it out once.

I don’t think it’s me, by the way. And not just because I have a lifelong pattern of blame-shifting and no sense of accountability. Because when Kyle shared his anecdote about having his kids taken away, which I thought was a riot and gave him plenty of laughs and a few quick “Woo!”s, everyone got all mad for some reason. You guys gotta loosen up. And you know what helps me loosen up? Actually, never mind. You guys are boring.

Unfortunately, I’m stuck with you all for the next ten court-appointed months, so we’ll have to make do. But just to put it out there: you people are no fun at all. At this point, I want to stop drinking just so I can never see you losers again. Is that how the program works? Whatever. At the beginning of this meeting, I was proud to call myself an alcoholic. After hearing all your stories, now I’m not so sure.

Drummer Worried About Job Becoming Automated

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

BATON ROUGE, La. — Candace Lepetomayne, drummer for industrial band Manufuckturing Sextor, has become increasingly worried that her job will be automated and completed by machines, according to sources.

“They told me everything I can do, a machine can do better, and twice as fast,” lamented Lepetomayne. “There used to be plenty of unskilled drumming jobs, and you didn’t need some fancy college degree. Now it’s almost impossible to provide for a family on drumming alone. You know what gets lost in all of this? The human touch. Sure, a drum machine may be cheap, but will a drum machine wish you happy birthday? Will a drum machine jump your car? Will it stop you from humping a cactus after you’ve had too much molly? I just feel bad for the others in the band. If the drummer isn’t safe, then who is? Definitely not the bassist.”

Higher-ups at Manufuckturing Sextor view the transition to automation as a necessary step towards maximizing both productivity and profitability.

“One day it hit me: the less people to pay, the more I get paid,” remarked frontman Jessie “Gash-kit” Hodges, looking quite pleased with himself. “That’s how business in America works. I utilize a stretched-thin workforce to produce a sub-par product that I sell at a huge markup, only to later collect the majority of the rewards of others’ labor. We were already payin’ her less, what with her bein’ a lady and all, but there’s opportunities for efficiencies all over. I could get rid of the bass, guitar, keys. I’ll just need someone to write the songs and drive me to shows. I’m too busy bein’ an entrepreneur to overturn my DUI.”

For now, the trend in the market appears like it will continue indefinitely.

“This country used to make beats,” explained economist Madeline Plimpton. “Then in the ‘80s, there was a huge move towards digitization. For a while, most of the drumming jobs were in call centers overseas. It won’t be long before most music manufacturing processes are controlled by Logic systems. My advice to aspiring drummers? Quit practicing and learn to program.”

At press time, Lepetomayne had filed suit against Hodges, claiming unlawful termination on grounds that drummers are protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Desperate High School English Teacher Starts Calling Symbolism “Easter Eggs”

Posted on by Peter Woods

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Local high school teacher Valerie Kaur is attempting to improve student engagement by referring to symbolism as “Easter Eggs” in her American Literature class, sources barely paying attention sort of confirmed.

“I’ve tried every trick in the book to get these kids to care about ‘Catcher in the Rye.’ I’ve tried to explain to them that Holden Caulfield is basically the Logan Paul of his generation, but there’s just no competing with TikTok or whatever other hell site they found today,” said a visibly defeated Kaur. “But as soon as I started telling my students that the metaphors were actually ‘cool fan theories,’ they started looking at me instead of their phones. I’m just totally shocked it worked.”

“Do they actually think I’m the first person to realize that the ducks in the pond represent Holden?” added Kaur. “Do they not realize Salinger did that on purpose?”

Despite Kaur’s reservations, the students in her class have already bought into the vocabulary shift.

“Before, I thought that all of these books were just boring-ass stories, but now I get it: books are just movies that someone turned into a bunch of words,” said sophomore Laurel Arias. “I’m so pumped that I already started my final paper about how I totally discovered that ‘Hamlet’ and ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead’ are in the same cinematic universe.”

A small but vocal group of parents in the school district admitted they were not comfortable with the shift in messaging.

“They already screwed up math with those Common Core Standards, asking kids to do things differently than how I did them. Now they’re ruining English,” shouted Clyde Fulton, the father of an incoming freshman student. “And I’m even more pissed off at the education board in this town that won’t let me edit the text books and remove everything I find offensive. I don’t want my kid learning that this country allowed slavery. That won’t help her get into college.”

“Also, I’m pretty sure ‘Easter Eggs’ is just Critical Race Theory,” added Fulton.

As early as next week, chemistry teachers may reveal a brand new set of classroom materials that rebrand chemical reactions as “cheat codes” amongst other changes.

Man Pretty Sure Hating Himself Counts as A Form of Activism

Posted on by Stephen Bell

SAN DIEGO — Local socially conscious man Aaron Mayfield is pretty sure that all his self loathing, flagellation, and deprecation counts as a form of powerful social activism, according to sources familiar with the unhappy man.

“I’ve read a lot of Instagram posts about the world’s problems and it has made me very aware that I’m largely to blame for most of the bad shit that’s going on. But my biggest problem is I’m just too fucking lazy to do anything about it,” said Mayfield as he crossed a picket line at a local supermarket. “I’m a real cheap bastard, so direct payments to underserved communities are out of the question. If I want to show my solidarity with BIPOC, as us people in the know call them, I’ll always throw in a quick ‘white people, am I right’ or a ‘men are trash’ just to flash how progressive I am. I think it’s doing a lot of good.”

Local activist Shelly Kirkwald, who is also an acquaintance of Mayfield, expressed dismay with his attitude.

“Goddammit, I don’t want Aaron sitting at home beating himself up; that’s no use to anyone. I want him out there putting his body on the line with the rest of us,” said a frustrated Kirkwald. “When I asked him to come to an action to abolish the police, he said he was too busy doing his daily ‘anti-racism training,’ which is just reading negative reviews of Tarantino movies that use the N-word. I still remember the day he learned what micro-aggressions were. He spent an entire week apologizing and slapping himself. It was unhinged, and extremely annoying.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Alyson Jeffries gave greater clarification about Mayfield’s lack of substantive action.

“It’s clear to me that Mr. Mayfield is suffering from a condition known as ‘Pelosism,” explained Jeffries. “This condition is largely present in white men in their mid-30s whose parents still pay their car insurance. Anyone that has this affliction will usually find that all of their progressive actions are vapid and symbolic. The work you do is ultimately palliative for the ego, but does nothing to change the status quo. On the plus side, though, this narcissism will make you look pretty darn woke to your other white friends.”

At press time, Mayfield was seen apologizing to a homeless man about his situation, and then calling the cops on him for loitering.