Study: States Legalizing Cannabis See a 45% Increase of Doom Metal Bands in First Year

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

PORTLAND, Ore. — A recent study out of the Portland Cannabis Institute shows American states that legalize recreational marijuana use see a 45% increase in local doom metal during the first year.

“This is one of the more surprising cultural impacts of readily available cannabis. We already know about the benefits to local economies, but we weren’t prepared for sales of Orange amp heads to shoot through the roof,” said self-described “jazz-guy” Dr. Michael Neil. “The amount of depressed men who want to play incredibly loud down-tuned guitars very slowly and have band names like Resin Addicts or Toxic Mescalinity has undoubtedly gone up. This might have a negative effect on barbers as more men grow out their hair and beards, but it will be a boom time for anyone trying to sell a used van.”

The recreational use of more intense versions of the psychoactive compound in cannabis, THC, has opened the minds of some people who previously had never thought about doom metal.

“I used to maybe smoke weed every so often at a party or after my old garage band’s practice, but once it became fully legal I really dove into it,” said Blake Sebastian, guitarist of the new Santa Fe area doom metal band Bury Me In Smoke. “I bought a shitload of black denim and I smoke Moon Rocks everyday now. My favorite thing to do is just stand in front of my full-stack and palm mute open chords until I feel like God is taking my soul from my body and sharing a joint with it.”

Some of the more established musicians in the doom metal scene said they see these new bands as encroaching on their territory.

“I been playing doom metal for ten years because my brain is fucked up, not because it’s really easy to get into dabs now,” said Chris “Short Bus” Evans of the established Olympia doom band Kush Korpse. “These guys that used to drink Hamm’s and play that Burger Records crap now wanna try and harness the body buzz of playing a ten-minute song in drop G tuning? It pisses me off. I’m ready to move somewhere like Indiana, where weed will never be legal and most people will hate my band.”

At press time, the St. Louis Council on Beer Swilling was conducting research on how more states adopting legalized cannabis could eradicate hard-partying thrash metal by 2030.

Woodstock ‘99 Organizer Consulting on ‘Justice for J6’ Rally at Capitol

Posted on by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — Michael Schofield, a leading organizer of the Woodstock ‘99 music festival, is consulting with the organizers of today’s “Justice for J6” rally outside the Capitol, reported multiple tactical vest clad sources behind the protest.

“He’s got proven experience exciting and engaging our target demographic, plus he’s not a little cuck bitch,” said Matt Braynard, the organizer of the September 18th rally planned in support of those arrested for their involvement in the riots at the Capitol. “Schofield is a genius that helped create an environment that allowed badass music fans to start fires and assault dozens of women. In fact, many of them are the very same guys. They might not be recognizable, because they haven’t aged well physically, but also, they haven’t matured, so they’re exactly the kinda guys who’ll tackle cops in support of the Q-Anon shaman.”

Schofield confirmed he was planning to bring lessons from the notoriously rowdy festival in 1999 to the events planned outside the Capitol.

“In today’s contentious political climate, stirring up a bit of conflict might seem easy, but I bring a level of expertise and finesse in my ability to provoke mayhem,” Schofield explained, stocking an RV with ‘Stop the Steal’ posters, illegal fireworks, and cases of White Claw Surge. “There’s a deep psychological need behind the sorts of guys who’d invade Nancy Pelosi’s office or tear down festival walls for the pure joy of it, and it’s more than just the timbre of Fred Durst’s voice that gets them going. You think Richard Spencer or Dinesh DiSouza can get horny teenagers to roll around in their own shit? I’d like to see them try.”

Brendan Cooper, a native of Tallahassee who’s driving across state lines to attend the rally, said he’s been following Schofield’s career for decades.

“I was so fucking pissed I had to miss the party on January 6th, and I totally would have been there if my parole officer hadn’t been being such an uptight little twat,” Cooper said. “But knowing the legendary Michael Schofield is one of the organizers? Shit, you know I couldn’t miss it. My bro from Parler said the crowd might be a little smaller this time, but it’s like whatever, I’m still gonna get shwastey and hopefully grab MTG’s titties or some shit. Yo, do you think Kid Rock will be there?”

At press time, Schofield was being duct-taped to a chair on a Delta airplane after assaulting a flight attendant en route to Washington.

5 Job Interview Tips That Are Pretty Futile When You Have a Hatchet Man Tattoo on Your Neck

Posted on by Dan Rice

In the wake of the COVID-19 virus, a record number of Americans are choosing to change career paths. If you’re one of those people, that could mean facing a corporate job interview for the first time.

Job interviews are stressful, and for good reason. A bad interview can tank the hopes of even the most qualified candidate. Conversely, a good interview could help you outshine the competition, even if they beat you on paper. Theoretically, there are things you can do to be prepared and tip the scales in your favor, but none of those will work when you have a goddamn hatchetman tattoo on your neck.

Here are the top 5 job interview tips that would help a normal person, but just won’t do you a lick of good when you’re a Juggalo with a neck tat.

Eye Contact
Maintaining eye contact with your potential employer shows confidence, honesty, and fortitude. Unfortunately, in your case the eye contact won’t be reciprocated, as they will be far too distracted by the hatchetman tattoo on your goddamn neck. They’ll spend the whole interview wondering if you’re in a gang; or worse, knowing exactly what it means.

Research The Company
Going into your interview armed with background knowledge about the company shows them that you are serious and interested. Being informed about the company pre-interview will make you stand out from the herd. The only thing that stands out more is that stupid ass hatchetman tattoo right on your neck. Jesus, what were you trying to prove?

Do Not Speak Negatively Of Your Previous Employers
Employers want to hire problem solvers and positive people. If you go in complaining about your current or past employer, it can make you seem bitter and petty. Again though, like, it doesn’t matter. There is a freaking hatchman permanently tattooed to your freaking neck, and the second you leave that room they will laugh about it for weeks to come.

Dress For The Job
You only get one chance at a first impression, so make it count. Coming to your interview dressed like you already work there will show employers that you are professional and serious. But the hatchetman inked right onto your neck will show them that there is a hatchetman inked right onto your neck, so the whole thing’s a wash. You would honestly have better luck showing up to your interview in cosplay as Fred from Scooby-doo. You know, because of the neckerchief?

Ask Questions
Come prepared with questions about the position to ask at the end of your interview. Your potential employer will be impressed by your level of interest. They will probably also have a few follow-up questions of their own. Questions like, “Is that a man holding a hatchet?” and, “Why the neck?” They won’t be able to say those questions out loud, but thinking them the whole time will prevent them from actually hearing a word you say or taking you seriously as a human being.

Freshman Architect Installs Load-Bearing Tarantino Poster

Posted on by Camden Brazile

COLUMBIA, Mo. — University of Missouri Freshman and aspiring professional architect Henry Right made the innovative choice while re-doing his dorm room to install a load-bearing Tarantino movie poster, according to nervous sources.

“Yeah, I took a look at the structural integrity and the bones of the place and thought it was the right call,” Right said. “I thought this would be the perfect accent piece to match the blacklight mushroom poster, and the three other Tarantino posters in the same room. It perfectly conveys my entire personality and interests, but it’s in the exact location where if you remove it, the building will collapse and crush everyone to death; so I know that no significant others will ever come in here and succeed in its removal.”

Right’s best friend and roommate Gabriel Porter expanded on some of the changes Right made to their room.

“Well, first off we have a very practical design. People think that I like this stupid shit, but it’s just the only thing keeping this worn-down building afloat,” Porter said. “See that ugly psychedelic tapestry? Keeps in the black mold. The awful strip of half-working Christmas lights? Plugging a series of leaks. I know this looks horrible, but it’s the only thing that is keeping the roof from crumbling on top of me while I sleep in my puny, sheetless twin bed.”

University of Missouri Resident Advisor Mitch Saverin commented on the situation.

“As someone who lives in a dorm perpetually, I thank the Lord every time that Tarantino puts a new movie out,” Saverin said. “I’m just a little freaked out about what’s going to happen after his last movie. What if I have an I-Beam fallout and I have no conceivable way to fix it because I already have a ‘Kill Bill’ poster covering the frayed wires near the door? At the very least, when they pull my body from the rubble they’ll see my decor and know that I was an intellectual who appreciated fine cinema.”

At press time, witnesses noticed that the poster in question was a “Fight Club” poster, which wasn’t directed by Tarantino, but upon realizing that correcting Right would mean having to talk to him for even a moment, deemed it too high a price to pay.

If Biden Really Won the Election, How Come No One in This ICU Voted for Him?

Posted on by Tony Morse

If you’ve been around the block as much as I have, you know you can’t hardly trust anyone about anything. You have to ignore all the so-called experts and do your own research. But sometimes, the truth is in your heart. Like how there’s just no way Trump lost an election to Biden.

I may not be some mainstream pollster with funny maps and fancy questionnaires and shit, but I know where you find real American voters, and it ain’t at some George Soros-funded white lives don’t matter march — it’s here, in the Intensive Care Unit at Our Sisters of Mercy Hospital.

Now get ready for some real talk, because you will not believe the red pills I’m about to drop.

We’re doing field research, so let’s talk about sample selection criteria. Only patriots vote, and patriots are proud of who they are. They don’t hide their faces behind masks like some Antifa super soldier burning Portland to the ground. Well, a nurse assured me that nobody in this place ever put a mask on, not even for Halloween. I’d say we got a room full of citizen suffragists here, let’s see what they have to say!

Now sure, not everyone who can exercise the franchise does, so let’s talk about what makes someone a likely voter. Your real serious elector type is someone who stays up on current events. Speaking from personal experience, I never bothered to cast a ballot until I discovered Infowars. But thanks to Alex Jones and his political analysis, I knew I had to help the trillions of children who are sexually trafficked to the secret satanic underground lair of Bill Gates every single day.

Anyway, this doctor who asked me what the fuck I was doing said the people here had taken enough Ivermectin to drive worms to extinction. I don’t know what he meant, but Ivermectin isn’t for sheep! It’s for well-informed people who watch so much news on OANN they know all the code words in Amazon reviews for apple-flavored horse paste. And this place is full of them!

Given the established patriotism of this ICU’s clientele, their voting numbers should match the results of the election by roughly 100 percent, and guess what? Not ONE of the people I spoke to voted for Biden! And trust me, they weren’t just telling me what I wanted to hear; these people were extremely forthcoming. It was like they thought I was the last person they would ever talk to! When a woman begs you to tell her younger brother that he’s actually her son, you know she’s being honest about voting Trump.

I tried to talk to everyone here, but I wasn’t able to. Some people had enormous tubes stuck in their mouths, and it made them shy. But even if every tube-breather voted Biden, which I DOUBT, Trump won in a landslide.

Gentrified Punk House Now Influencer House

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

BROCKTON, Mass. — Tenants of local punk house The Bunker were outraged this past week as they were evicted from their home only to see it repopulated by Twitch streamers and TikTok influencers, confirmed neighborhood residents who are unclear if this is for the better.

“It’s just such dog shit. We’ve been here for over a decade. The landlord just walked in one day and said since we haven’t paid rent in 16 months that he’s allowed to kick us out. I tried telling him that rent is theft, but he didn’t listen and he refused to read the anti-capitalist zine I spent weeks working on,” exclaimed former resident Steve “Pooch” Earle. “Whatever yuppie shitheads they shuffle in there are gonna ruin everything it stood for. I bet they’re gonna try to get rid of all our pets, like the cats that took over the second floor, or the raccoons under the front porch, or even the squirrels that live in the walls.”

Current resident Blaine Hossier, however, seems to be thoroughly enjoying his new home.

“The aesthetic is something we were all immediately attracted to. It was so retro and punk chic. Like in a Goth Money Records meets ‘Trainspotting’ way,” explained the Scooby Doo deep dive video essayist. “The backyard is so overgrown that it’s a great setting for products that make us look like we love the outdoors. We’ve tried to make a couple improvements; we have a chore wheel that’s a cute showpiece, but it’s mostly just to decide who’s turn it is to tag the wall in the basement for the next photoshoot backdrop.”

Landlord Reggie MacKinnon seemed befuddled when reached for comment.

“Those punk pieces of shit actually moved out? Shit, could’ve fooled me,” a surprised MacKinnon said. “All I’ve really noticed that’s different is there’s a hell of a lot of packages being delivered to the apartment now, some of them seem like they’ve showered, and occasionally they seem to dance on the front lawn. In any case, they still don’t clean up a damn thing and it’s extremely loud at all hours.”

The punk scene was recently dealt a similar blow when the only punk bar in town was overrun by self-proclaimed “tech entrepreneurs” and suddenly became an overpriced cocktail bar.

We Look Back on Minutemen’s “Double Nickels on the Dime” Because We Can’t Remember Which Song Is the Jackass Theme

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Minutemen is one of the most influential hardcore punk bands of the 1980s, especially their biggest album “Double Nickels on the Dime.” It left an imprint on many of our lives, especially when we got in the mood for the Jackass theme song. Let us look back on every track of the iconic album to remember which song is the one from Jackass.

West Germany: Okay, this first track isn’t the Jackass Theme. We’ll keep looking for it.

It’s Expected I’m Gone: Nope, not this one either.

#1 Hit Song: We’ve never heard of this one before, but it must be a big track of theirs.

God Bows To Math: Wait, our CD player says this is track 18? Fuck we left the player on shuffle and don’t know how to turn it off.

Two Beads At The End: Nope.

Do You Want New Wave Or Do You Want The Truth?: Not this one.

Spillage: Not even close.

The Roar Of The Masses Could Be Farts: With a title like this we really thought it was the theme song. But alas, no.

The World According To Nouns: Hmm… yeah it’s not this one.

Maybe Partying Will Help: This track is pretty dope, but it’s not the Jackass theme.

Mr. Robot’s Holy Orders: Nah.

D.’s Car Jam / Anxious Mofo: This begins with a car starting sound. Is that why there’s a guy driving on the album cover? This must be an important track.

My Heart And The Real World: It’s not this one.

Little Man With A Gun In His Hand: Nope.

No Exchange: This song would make a cool theme song too, but it’s not the one we’re thinking of.

Viet Nam: Gonna keep looking.

Theatre Is The Life Of You: No.

The Politics Of Time: I didn’t realize they were a political band. Is the Jackass theme a political song? Either way, this isn’t it.

Nature Without Man: Nope.

This Ain’t No Picnic: This isn’t the Jackass theme, but it’s a pretty relatable song. Sometimes things ain’t no picnic.

Take 5, D.: It’s not this one, either.

The Big Foist: This one isn’t it. Where’s the one that goes nah nah nah-nah?

Jesus And Tequila: Gotta keep looking.

One Reporter’s Opinion: We swear it’s on this album somewhere!

Retreat: Unfortunately, not this one.

Love Dance: This says track 44? How many songs are on this?

Cohesion: Starting to think maybe it was on a different album.

History Lesson – Part II: Nope.

Toadies: Not this one.

Martin’s Story: Not this one.

Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love: Not this one.

Don’t Look Now: Not this one.

There Ain’t Shit On TV Tonight: This isn’t it.

The Glory Of Man: Not it, but could make a good song for Chris Pontius’s Party Boy.

Shit From An Old Notebook: Gonna keep looking.

Doctor Wu: Nope.

Please Don’t Be Gentle With Me: Maybe this is the Viva La Bam theme, not sure. We didn’t see that one.

Untitled Song For Latin America: Not from Latin America and neither are the Jackass guys, so can’t relate to this one.

June 16th: Hey, we recognize this day on the calendar. Still not the theme song, though.

Themselves: Negative.

Political Song For Michael Jackson To Sing: Ain’t it.

You Need The Glory: Nope.

Corona: Yes! YES!! This is the one! Love this song. The riff alone makes us picture Steve-O on the alligator tightrope.

Nothing Indeed: Kinda found the one we were looking for, so we’re just going to listen to that one again.

Storm In My House: Did these guys do the King of the Hill theme, too? The Jackass theme is kinda similar. If so, this band is legendary.

“I Can Fix Him,” Says Woman Who Is Worse

Posted on by Freelancer

VAN NUYS, Calif. — Local nursing student Jade Ng divulged to close friends at a bar yesterday her plans to “fix” her Hinge match, local Spencer’s Gifts employee Trent Belford, despite the fact that her whole deal is fundamentally way more fucking concerning than his ever will or could be.

“Trent is hot, but to be honest, he’s a little, like, ‘Infinite Jest-Chapo Trap House-Radiohead’ for me. Male manipulator vibes, kind of embarrassing,” said Ng, who faked an abortion freshman year of college to guilt her high school boyfriend into staying with her. “But, you know what, it doesn’t bother me, because I’m not a goddamn quitter.”

“At the end of the day, someone like Trent just needs a girl who’s sensitive and grounded to round out his rough edges,” added Ng, drawing a little smiley-face on the tip line of a $51.72 receipt.

Ng’s coworker Mina Girardi maintains that while her behavior can leave something to be desired at times, her intentions are sincere.

“Look, Jade isn’t trying to change these guys or anything. She just wants to, how do you say, mold them in her image, as one would a child or dog,” said Mina Girardi. “I mean, I really have to give it to her. If I had three DUIs, I might think about putting the savior complex on the back burner, but hey. Whatever gets your rocks off.”

When approached for comment, Belford expressed ambivalence at the notion of being taken on as a project for his recent match.

“It’s pocket-sized, but it feels exactly like the real thing, man, seriously, like, just close your eyes, you won’t even clock that it’s silicone, bro. I like to sit on mine for like ten minutes so it’s warm, y’know, and shit, I even have, like, different colors, y’know, like different shades, you know what I mean?” said Belford, while scrolling through his phone and eating a burrito. “The fuck was I saying? Jade? Oh yeah, I don’t really care, I’d still hit.”

At press time, Ng was headed to the bass section of Guitar Center, where friends say she regularly hunts “for sport.”

I Haven’t Been Part of the Scene or Lived in This City for 10 Years but All You New Little Shits Should Know Who I Am

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

What the fuck? How did I not get one double-take when I walked in here? What the hell happened to this scene? Okay, sure, maybe I haven’t been to a show in a decade, but who are all these young dorks and why don’t they know who I am?!

I get that I moved away 10 years ago and only come back to see the family once every few Christmases, but when I don my most faded In These Walls shirt (the band that basically started this scene), you show some respect. Or at least feign acknowledgment. Even if you have no clue who I am, you’re clearly looking at an older scene dude. Why else would I be here wearing outdated clothes?

It’s sad that this generation doesn’t care about its forefathers. Just ask any 32- to 40-year-old who used to be in this scene, and there’s a decent chance they might know who I am. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who cares about my adolescence.

I don’t wanna be that old guy who says shit like, “That Taco Bell used to allow shows before Joe broke his face on that half stack,” as a way to establish scene cred. But I was at that Taco Bell when Joe broke his face on that half stack, and I fucking have scene cred!

And don’t even get me started about the time I ran from the cops because I incorrectly believed they were after me due to my dangerous reputation in the scene. Or when I submitted Christian rock lyrics to Father O’Malley to get him to let us throw a show in the church basement.

If there was a history book on this scene, I’d be all over it. Mostly during the chapters on 2002-2004. Also, if there was a book then I wouldn’t have to explain who I am to you newbies. I’d simply go to my car and get the book and read it to you.

I feel like Gutzon Borglom. Don’t know who he is either? Color me surprised. He’s the guy who carved Mount Rushmore. I guess I’m in pretty good company if you don’t know about unsung heroes like Gutzon and myself.

Here’s what’s bullshit, though. If me and my band had gotten famous you’d all be like, “Whoa, that’s the guy from ‘Vanilla Sex'” and “I heard he made out with Angela Zakowski in the ALDI parking lot.” I totally did, by the way. And she ended up marrying an NHL player. I’m not gonna tell you who he is though, because if you recognize him my self-esteem will suffer a blow that I may not come back from.

Frontman Never Heard Drummer Speak Before Podcast Interview

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Dad Belly frontman Blake Thomas was shocked to discover that he had never actually heard longtime drummer Sophie McDonald speak until the band’s appearance on the “Big Riffs” podcast last night, sources reported.

“I regret yelling ‘Holy fuck, you can talk?’ when our Drummer answered a question about her drum heads, but you have to understand that I’ve played with this woman for seven years and I’ve never once heard her utter a single word,” said Thomas. “Not only can she speak, but he’s got, like, a personality. Did you know that she has two kids and works part time as a mechanic? I sure as fuck didn’t. Normally our interaction begins and ends with me yelling ‘do better’ in her general direction whenever the tempo drags. I’m ashamed. It’s my job as frontman to lead my bandmates effectively, so from this point forward I’m going to do my best to get to know Sam, or Sara, or whatever her name is.”

McDonald was also shocked to hear that Thomas had never heard her speak.

“The motherfucker was at my wedding,” said McDonald. “He’s met both of my kids. I helped fix his fridge, for shit’s sake. But I’m not too surprised. It’s not even really a detriment to the band. He always gets to practice about two hours late, which is right around the time the rest of the band and I finish working out the song. So technically there’s no reason for us to interact. Hopefully he’ll try to get to know me, and maybe now we can finally practice our harmonies together.”

“Big Riffs” podcast host Autumn Smith confirmed that Dad Belly won’t be invited back on the show.

“The frontman kept whispering shit like ‘holy fuck she can talk’ and ‘why does she sound like that?’ so the episode was impossible to edit,” said Smith. “Frontmen who don’t care about their bandmates are a dime a dozen, but this is something else. I’m not here to solve your band’s weird interpersonal problems; leave that shit at the door. All I want are some upcoming show dates and maybe a story about someone throwing up on your amp. This isn’t Dr. Phil.”

Update: Thomas has fired Dad Belly’s bassist for using “some broken-ass guitar with only four strings.”