Punk Mom Keeps Asking Daughter When She’s Going to Get Divorced

Posted on by Dom Turek

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A punk mom put pressure on her happily married 36-year-old daughter to get divorced before it’s too late, sources close to the family confirmed.

“I hope I live long enough to at least see her get separated,” said Zella Hunter, scrolling through a list of local divorce lawyers on her phone. “Since the day she got married, I’ve imagined her walking down the aisle of her attorney’s office in my old Cramps T-shirt and signing a petition for the dissolution of marriage. It’s the single most important day in any woman’s life, and it’s every mother’s dream to see her little girl turn her back on the patriarchal systems that be.”

As the average age for divorce in the United States becomes younger and younger each year, many parents fear that it just may never happen for their aging children.

“My mom is worried what the neighbors will think if I’m still married by 40,” said Rebecca Flanders, Hunter’s daughter. “As the only child of a punk mother, there’s always been a lot of pressure on me not to succeed. I was taught that a woman is supposed to get married, get divorced, and file for supervised visits with her children, but I’ve always had this urge to rebel and get married to my high school sweetheart in a chapel. I can’t make everyone happy, so I’ll just have to settle for making myself and my husband and our deeply satisfying relationship good with our decision.”

Matters between the feuding mother and daughter pair have only worsened since Flanders and her husband decided to file their taxes jointly.

“She [Hunter] was enraged that we were filing our taxes at all, let alone together,” said Martin Flanders, Rebecca’s husband. “She sees it as just one more step toward us not getting divorced. It’s gotten to the point where we show up to family functions pretending to be unhappy just so we don’t worry her. When you marry someone, you marry their whole family. I just wish I could find a way to divorce my mother-in-law.”

At press time Hunter was seen begging the couple not to give her any grandchildren.

Review: Interpol “Turn on the Bright Lights”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we look back on the breakout 2002 album “Turn on the Bright Lights” from NYC-based indie band, Interpol.

The first time I heard an Interpol song was while I was doing what I spent a regrettable two dozen years of my life doing: pretending to be interested in whatever the men around me were into in an effort to smoke weed for free. I was watching what was likely the sixth consecutive hour of skate videos when I heard it — bizarre, somewhat-twangy strumming accompanied by what may or may not be a keyboard being played underwater.

Brian Anderson skating to “Obstacle 1” snapped me out of my early-2000’s brick weed-induced stupor for a moment, but it would be years before I learned who wrote that song, in part because the internet wasn’t what it is today, and in another part, because my only access to that internet was in 50-minute increments on the free computers at my hometown library, which is just barely enough time to get through most of the missed connections on Craigslist.

When I finally learned that the album is Interpol’s “Turn on the Bright Lights,” I headed straight to Limewire to illegally download a copy, in six parts. Listening to the album took me right back to 2003, mostly because it basically sounds like what it would feel like to be in a black and white photograph taken on a disposable camera. It made me think about how different me and my friends’ lives are today than they were almost 20 years ago, and wonder how in the fuck so many of them tricked completely functional women into marrying them.

I am happy for them, but not really. I am going to die alone.

Anyway, the album does a great job peppering in dreamy songs with faster songs, all of which make me feel compelled to throw on a sweater and journal or make tiny ornaments out of clay. As I know for certain that’s exactly what so many bands aim for when writing an album, I’d say that Interpol really hit the mark with this one, and I should have no less than three dozen kinky gnomes ready to ship three weeks before Christmas. Find me on Etsy for more info.

Score: 5/5 hits off a glass bowl in Scott Patrillo’s living room in 2003. Try and beat that, The Strokes.

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45-Year-Old Woman Slashes Laptop After Spotify Suggests Adult Contemporary Playlist

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — 45-year-old salon owner Jessica Hunter slashed her laptop with barber shears in response to an “adult contemporary” playlist recommendation given to her by music streaming service Spotify, according to sources.

“I was listening to my ‘90s mix when all of a sudden I saw an Adult Contemporary playlist appear. I just turned 45. Now I ‘might enjoy’ Wings?!” commented Hunter outside the Apple store, where she stood in line waiting to have her screen replaced. “I broke my nose at a Nine Inch Nails concert in ‘92, ok? The algorithm is total bullshit!”

Neighbors living above the salon reported hearing commotion, which they mistook for one of Hunter’s “semi-regular crying sessions or whatever she does in there on Fridays.”

“I thought she’d hurt herself, so I went down to check because she’s a little older,” said the concerned neighbor, Ariel Colon. “When I peeked inside, she was rocking back and forth on the floor, cradling her laptop and mumbling about James Taylor. I used to let her cut my bangs, but I don’t think I should now.”

Recent college graduate and Spotify’s Head of Research and Aging, Emma Greer, admitted this was not an isolated incident.

“I can’t say I’m surprised. We’ve received several complaints of violent reactions. One man punched himself in the face when Smooth Jazz came up. Another person crushed an entire iPhone in her fist. I would say more, but lawsuits are pending,” explained Greer. “Almost all Gen X-ers prefer to make their own playlists. Apparently they used things called ‘cassettes’ a while back. I hope I’m pronouncing that right, I don’t know a lot of French.”

At press time, Hunter was seen lighting an L.L. Bean mailer on fire.

Police Department Wins Emmy for Best Editing

Posted on by Ken Taro

LOS ANGELES — A relatively obscure film from the Indianapolis Police Department titled “Officer William Jameson’s Body Camera Footage 3/19/21” was awarded the Emmy for Outstanding Picture Editing For An Unstructured Reality Program.

“There were so many deserving entries from other precincts from around the country, so I was honored even to be nominated,” sputtered Officer Jameson as he wiped away tears. “A lot of work went on behind the scenes to make this happen. I had to switch my body cam off and on at least a dozen times, all with my left hand. And this was a real high wire act. I made sure I lifted the hood of my squad car so there was no coverage from my dash cam. Thankfully, I have had a lot of training when it comes to manipulating my equipment to suit the needs of my department.”

Academy member Amos Pfeiffer was one of the leading advocates for the footage that ends with a civilian lying bloody and dead in front of a liquor store.

“Some of my colleagues were skeptical at first, because the end product seemed a bit choppy,” explained Pfeiffer. “But I convinced them that they were witnessing brilliant, tension-filled television like we have never seen before. Officer Jameson shows up on the scene, talks to a man, and then a scuffle ensues. After 45 seconds of blank space, we see the civilian is dead on the ground. This was a very artistic endeavor, because we are forced to fill in the gaps with our imagination. Found footage catches a lot of flack these days, but it shouldn’t, especially in this case where the authenticity lends to the suspense. This makes ‘The Blair Witch Project’ and ‘Paranormal Activity’ look like ‘Ratatouille,’ in my opinion.”

Tina Alvarez, an Indianapolis resident who caught the act in person and watched the award show, shook her head in disgust.

“I find it gross that this butchered clip ended up getting so many accolades,” said Alvarez. “I filmed all 7 minutes of the incident, but it gets rejected everywhere I try to submit it. Awards don’t matter to me, I just want someone, anyone, to watch this whole video and see that the officer intentionally murdered an innocent man. But instead I get members of the police department driving by my house very slowly every two hours.”

After receiving the award, Officer Jameson announced he would be conducting workshops at precincts across the country to train fellow officers in the best “on the fly” video editing techniques.

It’s Not the Breed, It’s the Owner, and as Someone Who Trains Corgis To Fight, I Would Know

Posted on by Eli Johnson

Dog breed discrimination has to stop. By the way people talk about pit bulls, you’d think the breed is some kind of ticking time bomb. This breed-based bias has far reaching effects. For instance, many so-called “pet-friendly” apartment buildings I live in make exceptions specifically for pit bulls. Hell, some cities have outlawed the breed entirely! Let’s get one thing straight: It’s not the breed, it’s the owner. And as someone who trains corgis to fight, I would know.

Take it from me, when a lovable little corgi is delivered into the hands of a monster such as myself, it can become just as vicious a baby-killing machine as any pit bull.

When I get my hands on a fresh corgi, I know I have my work cut out for me. They come to me so lovable and cuddly and let me tell you, it takes a lot to break them. I’ve worked with dozens of adorable woofers and all have transformed into nasty little bastards. My prized champion, Lucifer, has been on a goddamn tear lately. These aren’t the queen’s beloved corgis, believe me.

Indulge me for a moment, and let’s think critically about some of these harmful pit bull stereotypes. Simply because a dog was bred specifically to bite and latch onto the faces of bears, bulls, and other animals many times their size, doesn’t make them inherently dangerous. As a counterpoint, old Welsh folklore holds that fairies rode corgis like horses and used them to perform various whimsical chores, such as pulling carts. And yet, I’ve turned heckin’ pupper after heckin’ pupper into savage demons.

Maybe you’ve heard that pit bulls’ jaws are among the strongest of any breed, enough to crush human bone. On the other hand, a nip from a Pembroke corgi won’t feel like much in comparison. Yet a pack of trained fighting corgis, properly motivated and working together, can bring down a wildebeest. Trust me.

Maybe you’re not convinced. Maybe you’re thinking, “Okay, so pits and corgis are mean dogs.” That ain’t it, chief. I’ve worked with everything from Pomeranians to Goldendoodles to chow chows. All of them I’ve turned into blood-thirsty hellhounds.

I hope you’ll think twice next time before judging a breed based on the actions of a few bad apples. That line of thinking is a slippery slope. What’s next? Defunding the police?

Punk Genie Asks If He Can Bum Three Wishes Off You

Posted on by Gracie Beaver-Kairis

SALEM, Mass. — Local flea market patron Harold Barnes met a genie who asked if it could bum three wishes off him after he rubbed an old lamp during a recent shopping excursion, according to sources who think he’ll just spend the wishes on booze.

“I was at the Stuff N’ Things when I saw this old brass lamp, which is any bargain hunter’s dream come true. I suppose the Anti-Flag sticker on the side of the lamp should have been a red flag,” said Barnes. “I rubbed the lamp, hoping that the magical being inside would grant me great wealth and happiness. Instead, some stale Pall Mall smoke just came out of it, and a voice inside asked if I had three wishes it could bum off of me instead. It said it would get me back after the first, but it wasn’t very convincing.”

Matilda Harper, owner of the antique mall, was aware of the genie, and said she has not been able to sell the lamp since she acquired it in 1994.

“Oh, I wish I’d never bought that cursed lamp at a yard sale,” said Harper. “That creature inside, Scuzzy G, is such a jerk. He told me the only wish he’d grant is if I wished to see his genie dick. He’s more of a liability than an attraction, and I’m pretty sure he’s the reason this shop has bedbugs.”

Although he previously lived in a discarded Skoal can, Scuzzy G has resided in the lamp since finding it in a dumpster outside the Fugazi show he was ejected from in 1992.

“I may be a 4,000-year-old fantastical djinn with unearthly powers, but I don’t give a fuck,” said Scuzzy, who followed up the statement with an Old English-scented belch so strong that it lifted the lid of his home. “I’ve been squatting in this fucking lamp for 30 years, and I’m not going anywhere. If you need wishes to make your life fulfilling, go to fucking Disneyland or The Bunny Ranch or something and leave me the fuck alone.”

At press time, Harper was forced to apologize to two elderly customers who rubbed the lamp for luck, only to see a sparkly middle blue finger reach up through the spout.

10 Most Important Moments in Punk History

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Punk may be the snotty brat of rock history. But like any growing kid, there’s been milestones that mark the gradual growth of the genre. Here’s the 10 most important moments in punk history!

CBGB Opens

It would be impossible to imagine punk music without legendary bar CBGB, which opened in terminal C at the Newark airport in 2015. Proto-punk legend Tom Verlaine started his career as a waiter there, while Debbie Harry was briefly hostess. Sadly, the Buffalo Wing Special that made the place iconic has been discontinued as of 2017.

The Ramones Are Born at the Exact Same Moment

March 29, 1974, 9:13 AM. In one of the most significant moments in all of punk, all past and future members of the Ramones were simultaneously born in various parts of Queens. The next day, they would play their first show at CBGB and history was made.

The Man is Told to Get Fucked

It couldn’t come too soon: this incredible day in 1995, The Man was collectively told by a generation of punks that he could get fucked. While accounts of the event vary, it’s generally agreed that everyone was grounded for it, which is so unfair.

 

Mike Gains Some Weight Over the Summer

Imagine: a young and svelte Michael Burkett, searching for an identity. Then in one eventful summer camp, he discovered punk rock and double-stack, greasy-as-hell bacon cheeseburgers, and the frontman of NOFX discovered himself.

 

Bikini Kill Play Their First Show, Which is Pretty Good for Girls

No, really, ladies. Super cool. Who are you opening for?

 

The Queen Betrays a Young Johnny Rotten, Inadvertently Kicks-Off the Punk Movement

While Sex Pistols lead singer Johnny Rotten’s hatred of Queen Elizabeth is legendary, it wasn’t always that way. In fact, The Queen and Rotten were best friends throughout most of primary school. The pair unfortunately had a falling out over a girl, and Rotten vowed revenge from that day forward.

Terry Gets a Copy of The Black Parade, Which, Like Changes His Life

Before Terry got My Chemical Romance’s The Black Parade, he was totally into bullshit. But after the clerk at Sam Goody convinced him to give it a try, everything changed for Terry. He still listens to it all the time.

 

Your Sexual Awakening to Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” Video

Remember? Billy’s bare, glistening chest, his platinum hair, his bad-boy, take-no-shit, leave-no-prisoners sneer. You became a sexual being that day,

 

The Stooges Form, Which Bums Out Their Neighbors

The first incarnation of punk godfathers The Stooges formed in 1967, which really was just a shame for the neighbors. It used to be such a nice quiet neighborhood, and now those boys are always shouting about “dog” this and “raw” that. Still, they’re sweet kids.

Punk Achieves Its Most Perfect Form in the Video for The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)”In a contentious, often-infighting scene, one thing is universally agreed upon: The Offsprings’ 1998 music video for “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)” is the absolute apex of the very ethos of punk. It’s been all downhill from there.

Aging Vegan Disappointed By Younger Generations Lack of Interest In Animal Cruelty Videos

Posted on by Kevin Tit

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local activist and aging vegan Victor Gonzalez expressed his disappointment that the new generation of vegans have no interest in brutal videos depicting the horrors of factory farming, multiple traumatized youths confirmed.

“These ungrateful brats know absolutely nothing about the struggle,” said the 47-year-old former ALF member. “Back in my day, the only way to convert people in the scene to veganism was to put on some Earth Crisis and show extremely graphic videos from the inside of a slaughterhouse. Just the other day, I saw a kid in a SECT shirt eating Burger King so I ran up and showed him a video of a cow getting its throat slashed. He started crying, puked all over my phone and said ‘It’s the Impossible burger with no mayo or cheese, bro!’ How was I supposed to know?! Since when do vegans eat Burger King?!”

A representative from PETA recently went on record to admit that the lack of interest in Animal Cruelty videos has led to layoffs in their video productions department.

“I don’t need to see a bunch of baby chickens tossed into a giant meat grinder to stop eating meat,” said twenty-one year old Tik Tok influencer Jennifer Crane. “I don’t understand why there are still people out there who continue eating animals. Especially with the climate crisis we’re in. I get so mad at people who drive gas guzzling cars and order steak for dinner. Have you heard of a Tesla? Have you heard of Morning Star? Vegan food finally tastes good! Get it together, people.”

Some activists speculatec that the Government might be behind the recent disinterest.

“It’s no accident that this new generation of young vegans are more docile,” explained United States Secretary of Agriculture Thomas J. Vilsack. “Eco-terrorists of the nineties caused millions of dollars in property damage through fire bombings, and they didn’t even have smartphones. We couldn’t allow this young, woke generation to follow suit. So, we invested billions of dollars of federal funding towards developing an edible protein that lowers the consumer’s metabolic rate, and distributed it through ‘vegan’ Oreos. Nabisco has been in on it from the start. Not only are these young vegans less hostile, but they have singlehandedly saved the many fast food chains their elders worked so hard to destroy.”

At press time, Gonzalez was being sentenced in federal court for driving up to Seattle and setting up a string of explosives around popular vegan fast food chain Next Level Burger.

Bi-partisan Congressional Effort Seeks to Block Any More Influential ‘90s Emo Bands From Reuniting

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle came together to pass a piece of historic legislation that would limit the ability of decades-old emo bands from reuniting, sources on Capitol Hill confirmed.

“This bill shows that Washington still works. The American people elected us to do a job, and we have a mandate to keep ‘90s emo bands from reuniting to collect a payday at second-rate music festivals,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “There are plenty of active bands that need work right now. Bands that stuck it out through 9/11, bands that made it through the Great Recession, and even bands formed within the last few years who are already generating some hype. We can’t have veterans like Knapsack, Rainer Maira, or Jejune announcing anniversary shows and taking slots from hardworking current American emo bands.”

The bipartisan initiative faced some opposition in Congress from Republican leaders.

“Kansas has a long, proud history of emo music, and this bill severely limits an aging emo musician’s ability to make an honest living by playing 25-year-old songs to adults that are nostalgic for their teenage years,” said Senator Jerry Moran (R-Kan.) from the steps of Capitol Hill. “This is a slippery slope, people. What’s next? Will we ban metal bands from playing guitar solos because they are too loud? Will we set limits on how many members a ska band can have? This is un-American and a huge government overreach. This is our heritage, people! I hardly recognize this country anymore.”

Despite overwhelming public support for the bill, there was instant backlash from Festival Booking lobbying groups.

“We need more bands to reunite so we have a good enough gimmick for people to travel to our fests. There is a limited pool of bands to choose from, and that pool keeps getting shallower every time another band is canceled,” said Every Musician as an Option spokesperson David Simpson. “And there is a simple reason why bands reunite: people want them to. Next time you Google ‘Sense Field reunion’ and you get no results, just remember which Senators voted to make this bill a law.”

A similar law is being drafted in the House of Representatives to ban Myspace-era bands from legally being able to designate themselves as “emo.”

Opinion: Not All Clown Posses Are Insane

Posted on by Johnny Sparkles

No one can deny that the Insane Clown Posse is the most ubiquitous of all the clown posses. From music to wrestling to independent filmmaking to festival promotion to direct-to-consumer soda distribution, ICP has made quite a name for themselves. These days you can’t hear the words “clown posse” without immediately thinking “Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J” and, quite frankly, that’s some bullshit. Not all clown posses are insane, least of all me and my ensemble of jesterly harlequins. It’s time we tear down this ugly and vile stereotype once and for all.

A lot of people love ICP. I personally don’t get it, but I don’t begrudge their success. I’m happy for them. But I am equally sick of everyone thinking my zany pack of fools are “insane” just because we happen to be a posse made up of clowns.

I’m no Juggalo. I don’t rap. I’m more of a King Diamond guy, honestly. At the end of the day, I’m just a guy who likes to dress up as a clown and hang out with other clowns in a group setting. The only thing I have in common with Juggalos is the one time I ate Monopoly and shit out Connect Four. I’m also a former backyard wrestler and, no, I didn’t wrestle as a clown. That would be insane.

We are not insane. In our younger days, we did get pretty rowdy. I won’t lie. But never to a degree in which a psychologist might deem us fit to be institutionalized. Either way, we’ve cleaned up our act. But we’re still impacted by these stigmas. My kids get bullied at school because of this. Because of that damn rapper group, everyone thinks their dad who wears full facepaint when he drops them off at school in a clown car is “insane.”

So please, stop thinking all clown posses are insane. There are lots of clown posses out there and this stereotype hurts us all. But we all do love Faygo. That stereotype holds water. Delicious, neon-colored corn syrupy water.