PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 35-year-old Noah Milstein’s self-improvement journey took an unexpected turn when a guided meditation was interrupted by an advertisement for The SlicePro Omega Knife, confirmed sources.
“Well since I got sober in January, I’ve tried a lot of different methods of self-care and was excited to try out meditation,” said Milstein outside of his apartment complex. “Unfortunately, I’m not quite in a spot to afford YouTube Premium yet and it’s really been a detractor in my recovery journey. Having an advertisement for a knife that could penetrate a human sternum like Jell-O really crop-dusted the vibe of the meditation. Trying to make a playlist for when a girl comes over has also been a real struggle too. Nothing will turn off a girl faster while making out when ‘Fade Into You’ suddenly turns into the Burger King jingle.”
SlicePro Ambassador Nathan Lockwood offered a counterpoint.
“Honestly, I think nothing gives you inner peace more than knowing you own the strongest military-grade knife in existence,” said Lockwood. “Imagine the piece of mind you’ll feel knowing that you have a mini-sword that can cut through a seatbelt like butter in an emergency situation. You’ll never have to worry about feeling safe or secure knowing you constantly have access to such a powerful tool. My stress levels went down significantly knowing that I could defend myself from a potential mugging with a blade that could easily decapitate your attacker in one fell swoop. Easiest 700 dollars you could spend.”
Meditation expert Phillip Stowers explained how advertising can take someone out of a zen state.
“One of the major parts of meditation is allowing yourself to completely surrender to the calm of your surroundings,” said Stowers. “An unexpected advertisement for The SlicePro Omega Knife can absolutely snap you out of the zen state you’ve been working towards and potentially add additional stress. It’s a real shame because it is a fantastic knife. Have you seen that thing? It’s crazy strong. I bought one myself and the thing fucking rules. I sliced open a watermelon like it was a water-bed. Badass as hell. Wait, what were we talking about?”
At press time, it was reported that Milstein tried an in-person meditation only to be sold a time share.
