HOUSTON — Residents of a local punk house have unconsciously participated in “No Mow May” for the past two years, doing their part to support bees and pollinators by doing nothing, pleasantly surprised neighbors confirmed.
“Most of our neighbors are huge dicks. Always getting on our cases about some nitpicky bullshit,” said Matt “Concrete Donkey” Holloway. “Ooh, stop chucking used up roman candles into our kid’s sandbox, stop blowing blueberry vape smoke in my grandmother’s face, go to the doctor because those firework burns on your palms look infected. So naturally, I got a little defensive when a whole gaggle of them came to talk to us about the lawn. But turns out they weren’t mad. They wanted to commend me for participating in something called ‘No Mow May’ since January of 2024. I never heard about it before today but either way, it’s about time I get some recognition around here.”
Despite previous tensions, neighbor Greg Callow felt it necessary to give “credit where credit’s due.”
“We always try to teach our kids to be non-judgemental, no matter how deserving of judgement a person might be. And so when we saw that the residents of so-called ‘Scuzz Palace’ were doing their part to support the early spring pollinators, I felt it was necessary to show my gratitude,” said Callow. “The one they all call ‘Rat Feces’ must not be used to hearing any sort of praise, because as I walked towards him and gently said ‘hey buddy,’ he snarled and started baring his teeth. But then after I told him I was very proud of what he’s done with the lawn he became docile and even rolled over to let me see his belly.”
Punk conservationist Dave “Flint Tap Water” Ashdown offered this advice for anyone looking to participate in “No Mow May.”
“‘No Mow May’ is a great opportunity for the shiftless, goldbrickin’ homeowners to mask their own indolence as altruism,” said Ashdown. “And it doesn’t have to stop there. Did you know you can just stop shaving your mustache in November without donating any money for prostate cancer? You can even get creative with your slothfulness. You’re not leaving your Halloween decorations out all year because you’re a lazy and thoughtless person. You’re doing it for ‘skeleton awareness month.’”
At press time, a search and rescue team has been sent to find a lost neighbor boy that wandered into the punk house’s four feet tall bermuda grass.
