News on the Dow Jones Would Terrify Man if He Knew What It Meant

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Local man Connor Goodman checked the stock market today and was too confused by what he read to feel any sense of rightful anxiety or dread, according to sources.

“I look at the little arrow lines, and sometimes they’re green or red, or that other color that blueberries are,” Goodman said. “I think I would be petrified by the constantly shifting markets and the slow public execution of capitalism, but I just don’t know what any of that junk means. So instead of panicking or managing my investments, I just sit in a room and look at the wall most days. Sometimes people talk about the Dow Jones or the NASCAR, but I just smile and nod. It would be really awful to have the knowledge of what’s happening in the world, but thank God I’m just a regular, everyday guy.”

Goodman’s stockbroker, James Martin, claimed he appreciated his client’s outlook on the market.

“Usually when a bad investment tanks or the market fluctuates, I get a lot of angry calls from my clientele. But this guy is perfect,” Goodman said. “He never knows what any of this means, so I often just show him a Getty Image of a green line going up, he smiles and gives a thumbs up, and then we talk about ‘American Horror Story’ or whatever. I almost envy him; he never feels the need to mansplain the stocks to his girlfriend, or complain on Reddit about Bitcoin, he just vibes.”

Industry professional Rowen West weighed in on Goodman’s mental strategy and how it has affected the world at large.

“Every day, more and more Americans adopt this mentality,” West said. “If he did understand what was happening with the economy, he would probably lose it, but to him ‘The Big Short’ was a science fiction movie. As a professional, I encourage everyone at home to consider this: if you don’t know what the stocks mean, don’t learn. All it could get you is a life of disappointment and stress. Most importantly, if you learn about what the stocks mean, you would understand when people like me are corrupt, and we certainly can’t have that.”

At press time, Goodman announced plans to somehow also forget what climate change means as well.

Opinion: Let Me Tell You About Another White Guy Who Was “Out of Touch, Ignorant and Misinformed.” His Name was Jesus Christ

Posted on by Dan Rice

I’m pretty sick and tired of all this guff I’ve been getting in the Facebook conversations I insert myself into. It’s getting to where a man can’t point out the fact that Republican President Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves (and that BLM is therefore a communist terror group) without being called “ignorant” and “misinformed.”

I can only assume the online attacks against me are part of the growing trend towards reverse racism, which is like racism but done to white people so it needs its own special category. Well, let me tell you millennials about another white man people called “ignorant” and “misinformed” who, as it turns out, was right about a lot of things. Maybe you’ve heard of him? He was a humble carpenter by the name of Christ our Lord.

That’s right, internet. Check and mate. How can aging white men be so “out of touch” and “racist” and “guilty of cultural appropriation” when Jesus freaking Christ himself was white?!

If you don’t believe me, just go ahead and look at any picture of him! The disciples are always a little swarthed-up but our boy on the cross is clearly a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian who would appreciate a good pair of New Balance shoes if he were alive today.

On December 25th exactly 2,021 years ago, a beautiful white baby was born into the world, and that baby would agree with me that asking us to get vaccines and wear masks is communism. End of story!

I’m done letting you leftist trolls get in my way. If white Jesus listened to you people he never would have written the bible or started America in the first place, and then where would we be?!

Don’t @ me with your “Jesus was dark skinned” this and your “council of Nicaea” that. Read your history books, by which I mean go to my white church.

Seriously, if you could, that would be great. Frankly, our numbers are down due to a lot of sudden, unforeseeable deaths. I guess God needed a lot of Grandpas and Grandmas up there. Also, my neighbor’s kid who was 30 and perfectly healthy, but that only proves that God gets what he wants!

Unclear Whether or Not Punk’s Nickname Intended to be Insult

Posted on by James Knapp

DENVER — Local punk John Hesslip’s scene-approved nickname of Slop Boy continues to baffle others in the scene who are unsure whether or not it’s intended as an attack on the character he may or may not possess, deeply confused sources confirmed.

“Yeah, we’ve been unclear on Johnny’s nickname for a while. I can’t even remember how he got it in the first place. It could be from the time we tried to free some pigs from a farm and he bravely crawled through manure to open a gate; or it could be from when he got the shits and broke my toilet,” remarked friend and fellow punk Amy ‘Couch-pisser’ Unger. “It could very well be an endearing nickname, but it’s most likely meant to be gross. Maybe it’s just a play off his last name and doesn’t actually mean anything. Man, I am really in the weeds on this one.”

Hesslip explained how the uncertainty regarding the name’s intent has made him hesitant to fully embrace it.

“People have been calling me ‘Slop Boy’ for years now, and every time they do I have no idea whether I should punch them or ask if they know where to buy ketamine. It’s a weird mindset to find yourself in,” said Hesslip. “Honestly, if I just knew one way or the other, that would be enough to own the name. Even if it turns out it’s an insult, that’s still better than this liminal hell of ambiguity I’m trapped in.”

Punk nickname expert Ronald ‘McFartsAlot’ Farraday detailed the methodology behind scene nicknaming practices.

“Nicknames generally develop out of a sense of shared, communal struggle. The bestowal of one is usually intended as a form of acceptance into a fringe and frankly beleaguered social group… that, or they’re just funny,” explained a rather gassy Farraday. “With [Hesslip] it feels like the most likely origin was to be inclusive, but I’d really need to know more about the man to say definitively. I once knew a hardcore guy whose nickname was ‘Hammerhead.’ Turns out the reason why was that the tip of his penis was completely flattened. And also it had eyes on the sides. Don’t you dare ask me how I got that information.”

In order to settle the dispute once and for all, Hesslip finally resolved to flip a coin only to have it land completely vertical in defiance of physics and self-vindication.

5 Asshole Dogs That Have Outwitted Me for the Last Time

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

I’ve made mistakes in my life, I’ll admit it. I’m not a perfect person, but there is only so much a proud man can stand before he decides that things can no longer go on like this. I take responsibility for my actions, but I refuse to take responsibility for a future in which I keep getting swindled, tricked and fooled like this! Here are five complete assholes of dogs that will never trick me again!

Dog #1: Jackson, an Airedale Terrier, was the first (but not the last) dog to make a fool of me. While on my lunch break, all I wanted was to sit on a park bench and eat the pastrami and pickle sandwich I had brought. That was all I wanted. And this damn dog lay in wait, supposedly out for a walk with his owner. But after I set the sandwich aside for a mere instant to throw a pebble at a pigeon, Jackson took advantage and snatched my sandwich off the bench. And what did his owner do? Laugh and apologize.

I could see there was no apology in that mutt’s eyes. Just mockery. Cold mockery.

Dog #2: Golden Retrievers, the most popular breed for service animals, are supposedly man’s best friend. But someone should have let Taffy know that. That’s the name of the next dog that played me like an idiot, according to the research I conducted post-incident. What was Taffy’s game? Why did he pretend to be playing with me at a beach party, running back and forth, only to push me back up against Toffee, his twin brother, who had silently snuck behind me and remained motionless for Taffy to knock me backwards and fall on my ass, like God’s perfect fool? Beach parties are ruined for me. Forever.

Dog #3: We’re all familiar with Lassie, right? The heroic Collie who was forever rescuing lost children and doing the right thing? Well that sure doesn’t describe J-Pop, a Collie who ran up to me as I was about to lock the front door to my house on my way out. He barked so persuasively and used his Collie-ass appearance to make me think that in all certitude, someone had fallen down a well and I needed to follow him. Well, J-Pop gave me the slip after an exhausting three-mile run. When I got back home, my front door was open and my house was ransacked. Homeowner’s insurance doesn’t cover “dog malfeasance,” apparently. Damn you, J-Pop.

Dog #4: Okay, this one was Jackson the Airedale Terrier again, who seems to have developed a taste for pastrami and pickle. This time he won the sandwich off of me in a game of 3-card Monte, which I later found out was rigged!

Dog #5: Are you a fan of the circus? Then you must have heard of Professor Paws, the Brilliant Chess-Playing Dog, who travels from town to town, defeating all challengers. He noses pieces from place to place and while detractors claim he’s clearly just picking up on cues from his handlers and primarily motivated by cheese, I can assure you that’s not the case. I can also assure you that the date I brought to the circus as the culmination of a year-long plan to impress her was not at all impressed when I fell directly into Professor Paws’ Blackmar-Diemer Gambit. A whole year wasted. She has not spoken to me since, and my dreams are haunted by the Professor’s beaming, panting grin as the circus crowd burst into applause. I’ll see you in hell, Professor Paws.

Fact Repeated Mockingly

Posted on by Dom Choi

SPOKANE, Wash. — Recent college graduate Matt DeLuca lost an argument early yesterday afternoon after his uncle, Gino DeLuca, simply repeated a fact back to him in a mocking tone, according to triumphant sources.

“College boy over here was trying to tell me why we should erase this country’s great history, saying that ‘Manifest Destiny was racist’ and ‘the Trail of Tears was called that for a reason.’ I realized that these people just won’t listen to facts, so I let him know how stupid he sounds,” the elder DeLuca stated before continuing in a mocking cadence from the back of his throat. “Oh, America has a deeply racist, sexist, and classist past that negatively affects people to this day! Unnhhhh.”

“You see how stupid that sounds when I say it that way?” he added in a regular voice.

Matt DeLuca was enraged by his uncle’s winning technique.

“You can’t just have that be your entire stance. ‘Nyuh!’ is not a valid argument! I have a Master’s in Public Policy and a Bachelor’s in American History,” DeLuca explained. “I feel pretentious saying that, but I know my shit! He’s arguing like a seventh grader and thanks to people like him, these seventh graders won’t know any better.”

“I told my mom this would happen, but she was just like ‘Matty, stahhhp, he’s faaaamily,’” he added, invoking a high pitch and nasally inflection in an impersonation of his mother.

Onlookers of this confrontation found Gino DeLuca’s strategy to be effective and enlightening.
“Now, I was fairly convinced at first that Critical Race Theory might not have been so bad,” said distant cousin Jamie Burns. “I mean, it made sense to teach deeper impacts of actions until Gino showed us all how silly it sounds! Matt presented a lot of nice, factual-sounding opinions but, after all, they were just opinions, right? And none of them were funny, nor were they used to own Gino. Case closed.”

After the events of his graduation party, Matt DeLuca has since dropped out of his doctoral program and is planning to move into the hollowed-out part of an abandoned kayak in the woods.

Photo by John Danek.

5 Weed Strains That Go Terribly With Our Dealer’s Long, Meandering Story

Posted on by Dan Rice

Any true connoisseur of cannabis knows that it’s all about the right pairing. Just as you need the right wine for the right meal, different situations call for different strains of Mary Jane. Unfortunately, our plug is a bit of a talker, and no strain in the world can make his exhaustively pointless story even remotely tolerable.

Here are the top 5 strains of cannabis that make listening to Tommy run his dumb-ass mouth the absolute fucking worst.

5: Black Afghan
This high potency, Indica-dominant hybrid creates a euphoric state of relaxation, but with enough uplifting cerebral effect to avoid the dreaded “couch lock” of similar strains. For regular smokers, it’s a perfect strain for almost any occasion — with the glaring exception of being stuck listening to Tommy talk about how he almost didn’t get to see Phish last month, or something. This is hell.

Black Afghan’s high THC level, combined with its pleasing terpenes profile of dark berry and sage, will delay your reaction time just enough that it is literally impossible to derail Tommy’s meaningless, boring diatribe. Seriously it’s been like eight straight minutes, how is he still talking?

4. Green Crack
Talk about a strain that lives up to its name! This tangy, full-on Sativa is so energizing you’ll find yourself wondering what the hell is in it. Unfortunately, its invigorating effects are only making Tommy’s meandering, endless bullshit story all the more unbearable, as our stimulated mind is now excitedly generating literally a million better things to do than sit here and listen to this bullshit. Now he’s on a tangent about how Sill and Olivia broke up, two people I have never met. Jesus Christ, we’re not even really friends!

3. Purple Trainwreck
I feel like I’m in a mental prison. This heavy-duty purp got us so fucked that we admitted we weren’t paying attention and Tommy started the WHOLE STORY over again.

The heavy-ass Indica effects of this strain make every redundant second of Tommy’s bullshit all the more unbearable while simultaneously reinforcing the social paranoia that prohibits us from saying “shut the fuck up dude!” and leaving.

2. Blue Dream
Honestly just trying to smoke myself into a coma at this point. Maybe I’m already in one? Tommy is back to the part he started from, but now he’s talking about how Uber Eats fucked up his Popeye’s last week and he still hasn’t mentioned Phish again since the beginning so we’ve got a long way to go here.

1. Tommy Does NOT Know How To Tell A Story
I have become so numb and lost in the overwhelming details of Tommy’s absolute non-story that I have begun to forget the details of my own life. Do I have a job? A significant other? How did I get here?

Pleasant body high. Watch out for dry mouth and a painfully self-aware mental sundowning.

Punk Sort Of Likes That One Kacey Musgraves Song, and That Other One, Plus That One’s Not So Bad, and The First Four Albums Are Good Too

Posted on by Zach Raffio

RAHWAY, N.J. — Local punk Matt Gerricks shared this week that, despite his commitment to the punk genre and lifestyle, he does like that one Kacey Musgraves song, plus that other one, and that one’s not so bad, and come to think of it, her first four albums are good too, friends of the young ruffian confirmed.

“I’m not usually into that country stuff, I’ve always found it pretty boring,” noted Gerricks, who was whistling Musgraves’ “High Horse” before the interview, after the interview, and in between every single question. “I don’t even know when it started. I think I was stealing frozen pizzas from a Walmart and Kacey was playing in the store. I guess her songs are sort of catchy, and the lyrics are pretty smart, and the production’s neat, and she’s a really great musician, and her style is fucking incred- uh, I mean, yeah. The songs can be kind of catchy.”

Breanna Till, Gerricks’ roommate who has slept in a pair of tightly-laced Doc Martens for the past 12 years, agreed that Musgraves is “not so bad, yeah.”

“I caught her set at a fest a few years ago, totally random,” claimed Gerricks, who kept reiterating that she was at a Gulch show last night despite their not having played any east coast shows in over a year. “Come to think of it, I’d actually seen her twice before that. And, completely coincidentally, around 10 times since. Somehow ended up at a $200, fan club-only meet and greet at one of the shows, too. I mean like, if she is already on I wouldn’t tell anyone to shut it off, and if like she was ever on Cameo and someone got her to wish me happy birthday as a goof then I’d think that is pretty funny. It’s not like I would cry or anything.”

Esteemed rare record collector Sarah P. Hurtsin, whose vast catalog includes several albums that haven’t even been recorded yet, weighed in with her thoughts on the punk pair’s fandom while sitting next to a vinyl display of Musgraves’ entire discography.

“Those posers wouldn’t know underground if they fell in a hole,” claimed Hurtsin, who perked up in a Pavlovian manner when we mentioned having biscuits for breakfast. “I keep the albums on display because they represent a pastiche that blends modern sensibilities with a classic sense of Americana, and also in case I want to put on ‘Pageant Material.’ You know, for research purposes.”

At press time, Gerricks and Till happened to stumble upon a signing for Musgraves’ latest record, “Star-Crossed,” and coincidentally happened to be first in line by about five hours. They were later than they intended, though, as they got held up getting matching tattoos that “might accidentally, somewhat, in the right light” be the full lyrics of Kacey Musgraves’ “Follow Your Arrow.”

Fire Truck Being a Bit Dramatic

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

TORONTO — A local fire truck en route to a fire reportedly honked and blared its siren despite there being no vehicles obstructing its path after all traffic politely pulled over to allow the emergency vehicle passage, witnesses confirmed.

“What the hell was that? We were all pulled over, we all saw the flashing lights from a mile away,” said annoyed motorist Steve Tinto. “We all know the protocol, dude. There’s no one blocking him. At one point it stopped in the middle of an intersection and just went to town like it was trying to blow out the windows of a condo they are building on the corner. Why’s that thing gotta lay on the horn like that? Jesus, that’s so fucking rude. And loud, very, very loud.”

The neighbor who reported the fire was also disappointed in the fire truck’s highly dramatic and inappropriate behavior, and expressed concerned about the effects it may have on her young children.

“That truck is a bit of a drama queen. We get it, you’re big and loud. Who cares? My kids might have hearing damage now because that damn truck wanted everyone to know it was about to go be heroic. Big whoop, I saved a baby bird last week and you don’t see me demanding a parade,” ranted Karen Boison. “I never would have even called them if I had known they were going to make such a scene. These are adult fire trucks we’re talking about. Aren’t they taught to remain calm and orderly during an emergency?”

The fire truck offered an apology to the community, but gave no sign that this behavior would cease.

“It’s been a tough week, man. There’s been a lot of frustration building up, and I needed to scream for a bit,” reported Rick, a triple combination apparatus truck. “My life is just driving from fire to fire and the occasional preschool to show off how high my ladder can go. I wanna go to the beach. I wanna go to California and cruise down the Pacific Coast Highway. I want to sleep under the stars. I want to have a life.”

“I’m sorry if I’m loud sometimes, but that’s just how they built me. If I make a peep in the firehouse, they yell at me,” added the fire truck. “I think I’m depressed but the firemen would laugh at me if I told them. Just let me scream and honk, okay? It’s all I have.”

At press time, an unmarked cop car was reportedly seen backing up into a wall repeatedly after an argument with his ambulance mistress.

Man’s General Outlook on State of Humanity Changes Around Six Times While Scrolling Through Twitter

Posted on by Gabe Porter

RUCKERSVILLE, Va. — Local man Camden Singh had his overall worldview and philosophy shattered then reformed no less than six times while using social media app Twitter, sources confirmed.

“I’ll be flicking my thumb mindlessly until I see a post that completely upends my ideology. The other day I saw this huge thread about climate change,” began Singh, as he endlessly scrolled with his thumb. “It said that we’re gonna all be dead soon and that the planet won’t be habitable. I knew then and there that mankind was nothing more than beasts. We are the makers of our own doom, and it is one that we fully deserve. But after that, I saw this heartwarming post about a couple who adopted this old cat and I realized how wrong I was, only to realize again that humanity truly is horrible after I saw a thread about everything George Bush has done. It would almost be thrilling if it wasn’t slowly chipping away at any sense of humanity I have left.”

Friends close to Singh said they’ve grown worried by his ever-changing mind.

“He’ll just stand in the corner, glass-eyed,” Biannca MacDonald, a longtime friend of Singh, began. “Sometimes I’ll hear a little groan of disapproval. That’s when I know he saw a thread about people getting wrongfully evicted. But a couple of seconds later he’ll have a little grin on his face, probably because of some fundraising event that he won’t actually donate to. I’ve been trying to reach him and let him know it’s alright to not be on Twitter, but when I tried to make him get off he screamed something about a community fridge. So I think I might have lost him for good.”

Singh said he sees nothing wrong with his habits.

“Okay, some people might not be able to handle this much new information, but luckily I have found a great method for dealing with it,” he said. “I simply don’t actually absorb anything I read. It washes over and influences me, but it’s no big deal. Whatever it did to me will be undone within the minute, or however long it takes to watch a TikTok about hemming oversized jeans without using a sewing machine, or an infographic about microplastics. It’s all a great balancing act.”

At press time, Singh figured out that nothing in the universe means anything, but upon seeing a GIF of a prairie dog using a pistachio muffin as a pillow, realized that we all find our own meanings.

We Sat Down With U2 Because the Meeting Just Appeared in Our Calendar One Day

Posted on by Kendra Mosenson

Last week, the one iPhone shared by the entire Hard Times staff got a calendar alert, which was weird because we thought we deleted that app. Anyway, we were shocked to see that we had an interview scheduled with the legendary classic rock radio station band, U2. While we’re not sure how this meeting got put in our phone in the first place, we jumped at the chance to speak with rock icons and marketing geniuses, Bono and Pals.

The Hard Times: Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us. Honestly, we don’t really know how this happened.
Bono: You’re actually not the first interviewer to say that to us. Wink wink. Did you know I pick out which sunglasses to wear to these things weeks in advance?

Did you just say “wink wink?”
Bono: Well you wouldn’t have seen me wink through these glasses, now would you?

Damn. You got us. Well, no one from our team remembers scheduling this. Apparently, it just appeared on our calendar out of nowhere. Do you remember which staff member you spoke to about it?
Adam Clayton: Our manager handles all that.
The Edge: Personally, I’ve been really looking forward to this for a long time.

What? How long has this been planned for? Hey, wait. Is it the same manager responsible for releasing “Songs of Innocence” onto every iTunes user’s device without warning?
Bono: I don’t see how HackWiz696969 is relevant here.

That’s the name of your manager?
The Edge: Don’t you want to ask us about our music or something?

Of course, sure. How do you think, after so many years together, you manage to keep the energy alive when making music?
Bono: H-W says that the best way to keep people paying attention is to force our music onto so many of them that even if it makes most people hate us on a guttural, physiological level, there will still be enough people who can’t avoid it that our numbers will continue to hit our record label’s expectations.