Man Asks Person on Other Side of Glory Hole If They’re Vaccinated

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Clay Horton briefly paused fellating a complete stranger at a glory hole in an area gay bar to inquire if he was vaccinated for COVID-19, sources at the scene report.

“When I’m engaging in anonymous sex in public, particularly glory holes, I want to ensure that I am taking the necessary precautions against COVID,” Horton said before continuing to deep throat the hard, throbbing cock protruding from the bathroom wall. “It really makes for a more relaxed and engaging pump-and-dump session, truth be told. I feel better about getting my mouth bred by whomever is on the other side of the stall knowing that we are both protected against Coronavirus. This is probably the third or fourth dick I’ve sucked tonight, so I don’t want to be responsible for a superspreader event.”

Bar manager James Walton stated that the bar adheres to local and CDC guidelines regarding vaccines and activities like bukakke.

“How many fucking times do I have to tell this guy he can’t do that shit here?” an annoyed Walton asked. “He got caught once already and we got hit with a huge fine from the city. He even had the gall to complain that the guys running a train on him last month weren’t wearing masks! My staff is exhausted as it is, they can’t be accountable for what goes on in every well-lit corner of this place. Christ, I could lose my fucking liquor license again.”

“I thought we filled that goddamn hole in, or at least covered it with tape,” he added.

Sexual health experts stated that, in the wake of the ongoing pandemic, new measures must be taken to ensure safe, anonymous cocksucking.

“Well, we typically don’t advise that people engage in this sort of high-risk behavior in general,” noted Dr. Suzanne Hopkins of Whitman-Walker. “While both partners being vaccinated is a key component of returning to safe sex, this sort of anonymous sexual behavior is normally associated with several high-risk behaviors and, therefore, is a cause for the spread of STIs. I’m not trying to slut-shame Mr. Horton, but it’s important to discuss status before swallowing a white-hot load from a gigantic, faceless dong.”

At press time, the rock-hard stranger dismissed the vaccine questions, as he is on PrEP.

I’m Only Masturbating to This Lil Nas X Video Cuz I Love Football

Posted on by Josh Klasco

So I guess we’re not knocking anymore? Alright, so you caught me whacking it. You can stop freaking out. Let’s talk about this like adults. Yes, I was watching the new Lil Nas X video. But it’s all good, bro. I’m only doing this because I love football so fucking much.

I love everything about football! I am enamored of the end zones. Just look at those uprights. Don’t you just wanna put one right through those big beautiful poles? I am entirely titillated by tackles. Just the thought of staining my pants on that freshly cut astroturf is getting me ready for another round.

To be clear, this is not sexual. I was cranking one out to this music video that reminds me of football out of a good old-fashioned love of the game. And like many people, when I feel love, I like to express that love physically.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Lil Nas X, too. I have ears. But that’s not what I’m wanking about. When I tuned in to check out his new video like 30 million other music fans, I was completely caught off guard by the football content. Once I realized I was looking at a football game, it was only a matter of time ‘til I was mounting our coffee table like a center and grunting until I felt the warm, musky essence of my pigskin slide into my hands.

If I’m being completely honest, I don’t even see what the big deal is. I do all sorts of physical gestures to show appreciation for things I love. I take off my hat at church, I salute when a soldier raises the flag, and I “run hard-nosed into the endzone” when I watch football. In fact, if you have a problem with any of these things, you got a problem with all of them. That means that if you don’t support me assisting myself to a touchdown, then you hate church and don’t support the troops.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like some privacy. I have to tend to this false start before it leads to a full-fledged deflate-gate.

Aging Emo Singer Transitioning Nicely Into High School Poetry Teacher

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

NEWARK, N.J. — Former Carport frontman Mikey Cooper, 42, is reportedly using his decades of experience exploring overdramatic themes to excel in his new role as a high school poetry teacher, somewhat starstruck faculty confirm.

“A lot of teachers try to relate to their students by explaining that ‘most rappers are actually’ poets, but I prefer a different route. I use the lyrics from my band’s 1997 masterpiece ‘Alone, Kansas’ to show off real poetic flair,” explained a surprisingly content Cooper. “My curriculum takes all that raw teenage self-loathing, love, insecurity, breakups, and filters it through what I learned while opening for quite possibly the best poet of the ‘90s, Jeremy Enigk of Sunny Day Real Estate. But breaking down ‘Diary’ is going to be for my AP class; the freshman can’t handle that level of anguish.”

Students born after the height of Carport’s mild success report being “pretty indifferent” to Cooper’s teaching style.

“I honestly can’t tell if this is the easiest class of all time, or if it’s all going right over my head. We spent the first two weeks of the semester listening to ‘We Cannot Read Poetry’ by some band called Piebald. Not once did we actually read any poetry,” said 16-year-old Justin Reidy. “We almost talked about Walt Whitman at one point, but then Mr. Cooper went off on a tangent about how drummers tend to write the most lyrics and how ex girlfriends can ruin your life. I have no idea what the final exam is going to be.”

School board representative and student psychologist, Amanda Gibson, wishes more teachers could connect with students like emo singers.

“Mr. Cooper found success as a teenager using passionate, sentimental teenage themes, so naturally he stuck with this winning formula into his early forties,” explains Ms. Gibson. “That, plus being surrounded by overemotional bandmates and teenage fans, kept him steeped in adolescence. We’ll keep an eye on him around all these teenage girls, but so far it seems like he’s really helping to keep the dramatic highs and lows of the teenage experience on the page.”

Mr. Cooper’s success in Poetry inspired Principle Patterson to seek out Rage Against The Machine’s Zach De La Rocha to teach the school’s Political Sciences class.

We Rank These Mountain Dews on How Goth They Are, and It Is Not Easy

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

For years, Mountain Dew has reigned as the favored effervescent beverage for gamers, skaters and bros alike. But thanks to a recent editorial mandate about expanding The Hard Times readership and some bullshit called “cross-platforming,” it’s now up to us to figure out how to make Mountain Dew seem Goth. So best we can do is rank, we guess?

Man, this assignment is total bullshit.

Anyway, here goes:

Original Mountain Dew: Medium Goth. We’re going to say it’s a medium level of Goth, because who’s to say it’s not? Besides, “Medium Goth” is probably pretty good for SEO, with Halloween around the corner. We’re calling this one good and moving on, because otherwise we’re going to be here all day.

Caffeine Free Mountain Dew: Very Low Goth. Goths like caffeine, right? Seems like staying up all night would require caffeine. Goths are definitely creatures of the night, so we’re going to call this one low on the list.

God, this is fucking awful. Is this even readable? Is it funny? Doesn’t it seem like we’re prioritizing clicks over actual quality content?

Mountain Dew Cake-Smash: Zero goth. Maybe if it was like, blood cake or something. Goths probably eat cake if there’s blood in it. This is not what we went to journalism school for.

Mountain Dew DEW-S-A: There’s nothing Goth about patriotism. Next.

Baja Blast: Medium Goth. I know this isn’t logical, but we used to know this Goth dude who fucking chowed down on Taco Bell like every day. So we can probably assume it’s pretty Goth. Okay, home stretch!

Mountain Dew Riddlers Brew: Very Goth. Okay, this one isn’t out yet, but work with us here. It seems to be promotionally tied to Matt Reeves’ “The Batman” movie, and Batman is pretty goth. Oh, right and Robert Pattinson is playing Batman in it, and he also played a vampire for a long time. That’s especially Goth.

Mountain Dew Pitch Black: Exceptionally Goth. We left this one for last because it’s pretty self-evidently the most Goth a Dew can be, which still isn’t that much. But this has been very trying and we just want to end on an easy note.

Oh shit I forgot Mountain Dew Code Red. That’s kinda goth, right? Like blood? Cherry blood? This was a rough one. Fucking SEO, how do we even make money from this? Can someone explain it to me? Whatever, this is done. ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS! Okay, bye.

We Rank These Mountain Dews on How Goth They Are, and It Is Not Easy

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

For years, Mountain Dew has reigned as the favored effervescent beverage for gamers, skaters and bros alike. But thanks to a recent editorial mandate about expanding The Hard Times readership and some bullshit called “cross-platforming,” it’s now up to us to figure out how to make Mountain Dew seem Goth. So best we can do is rank, we guess?

Man, this assignment is total bullshit.

Anyway, here goes:

Original Mountain Dew: Medium Goth. We’re going to say it’s a medium level of Goth, because who’s to say it’s not? Besides, “Medium Goth” is probably pretty good for SEO, with Halloween around the corner. We’re calling this one good and moving on, because otherwise we’re going to be here all day.

Caffeine Free Mountain Dew: Very Low Goth. Goths like caffeine, right? Seems like staying up all night would require caffeine. Goths are definitely creatures of the night, so we’re going to call this one low on the list.

God, this is fucking awful. Is this even readable? Is it funny? Doesn’t it seem like we’re prioritizing clicks over actual quality content?

Mountain Dew Cake-Smash: Zero goth. Maybe if it was like, blood cake or something. Goths probably eat cake if there’s blood in it. This is not what we went to journalism school for.

Mountain Dew DEW-S-A: There’s nothing Goth about patriotism. Next.

Baja Blast: Medium Goth. I know this isn’t logical, but we used to know this Goth dude who fucking chowed down on Taco Bell like every day. So we can probably assume it’s pretty Goth. Okay, home stretch!

Mountain Dew Riddlers Brew: Very Goth. Okay, this one isn’t out yet, but work with us here. It seems to be promotionally tied to Matt Reeves’ “The Batman” movie, and Batman is pretty goth. Oh, right and Robert Pattinson is playing Batman in it, and he also played a vampire for a long time. That’s especially Goth.

Mountain Dew Pitch Black: Exceptionally Goth. We left this one for last because it’s pretty self-evidently the most Goth a Dew can be, which still isn’t that much. But this has been very trying and we just want to end on an easy note.

Oh shit I forgot Mountain Dew Code Red. That’s kinda goth, right? Like blood? Cherry blood? This was a rough one. Fucking SEO, how do we even make money from this? Can someone explain it to me? Whatever, this is done. ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS! Okay, bye.

“Cherry Bomb” Played In Lieu Of Actual Female Character Development

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Director of the upcoming action thriller “Day Of The Eagle” Thad Phillips was able to use the classic The Runaways hit “Cherry Bomb” to eliminate the problem of creating a backstory for the female lead, sources reported.

“We don’t have the time to create a backstory for everyone. So when Jennifer [Barber] enters the shot, we just went ahead and tossed in that song. It’s like a backstory in a box. We now know she’s a ‘bad girl’ who can probably fight, and is probably promiscuous. No need to reinvent the wheel,” said Phillips. “It really opened the entire movie up. We’re able to get a deep introspective look at the male lead’s complicated relationship with his boyhood friends, but we also now have time to get to Joe the coffee shop owner’s troubling relationship with his lying ex-wife.”

Actor Jennifer Barber was not surprised by how the project turned out.

“At first I had a beautiful backstory about a woman having to fight for everything in her life. But after the script got ‘reimagined,’ I’m mostly there to be saved by the male lead. That probably saved the studio like 50K,” said Barber. “I’m sure The Runaways would be proud to see their song put to such good use. At least it’s better than the last movie. I had no intro music at all and my character’s entire personality was just the fact that she used a Zippo. Hopefully in the next movie I’ll be an actual person.”

While this technique may seem new, Dan Saltzman, head of the Cinema Association, said audio has been used to fill in gaps since the beginning of filmmaking.

“We’ve seen this technique used extensively. On an ‘80s sitcom when a rebellious motorcycle friend showed up, they got a barroom blues riff. Or when a woman talks, we got creepy Halloween music to know that some nagging was coming,” said Saltzman. “In the recent ‘Golden Age Of Television’ we saw a departure from that, and directors were taking the time to actually write Carmela Soprano or Skyler White as obstacles to their husbands’ awesome crime and murders. Luckily we got over that, and can focus more on dudes doing rad shit.”

Phillips was unavailable for further comment as he was busy figuring out which hip hop song would represent the Black Judge character.

How Am I Supposed To Do Karaoke Here When They Don’t Have a Single Napalm Death Song Available?

Posted on by Ken Taro

I’m at my wit’s end with this whole karaoke deal. I am stuck in a sea of nice enough but unsophisticated 20-somethings who only want to belt out Taylor Swift tunes with a “Sweet Caroline” or “Don’t Stop Believing” thrown in here or there between Lemon Drop shots. I’m trying not to be a wet blanket and join in the fun, but how am I supposed to do that when this DJ has not one Napalm Death song?

I’m just trying to be a team player, and make the best of the night. I figured I would browse the song selection book for “Siege of Power,” you know, keep it pedestrian. So, I looked. And I looked. And looked some more. As there were 600 songs to choose from, I understood that it might take a few minutes to find. But it was nowhere to be seen! What the fuck? I started to sweat. I felt everyone staring at me as my Extreme Noise Terror patch started peeling off my vest.

What the hell am I supposed to do here? I can’t believe I showered for this.

I will admit that my tastes are a bit extreme. I can’t be too baffled that Insect Warfare, Suicidal Tendencies, and Decapitated also aren’t on the menu. The next step is to tone it down a little bit and compromise with a Dead Kennedys number. Surely they will be in the collection, right? Nope! Nor did they offer Anthrax, Minor Threat or NOFX. Umm, HELLO. It’s not like I’m trying to do a 20-minute Neurosis piece that is one step above Gregorian chanting (not that I would be opposed to that, if given the opportunity).

I don’t want my coworkers to view me as the brooding, unapproachable guy who wears metal t-shirts; that’s why I came to karaoke night in the first place. But I guess I expected to be met a little closer to half-way than this!

They didn’t even have any Misfits songs, and they sell Misfits shirts at the store and stuff! I don’t know a ton about being a karaoke DJ, but if you don’t offer “Last Caress” you’re just not doing your job, buddy!

It’s bad enough that I’m swilling Bud Light Lime and something called kickin mac’n cheese sliders. But to not have a single good song in the entire collection? Joe Strummer is rolling in his jar right now. The only thing left to do is knock over the karaoke machine and grab the microphone so I can do “You Suffer,” which is exactly 1.316 seconds long.

Better have 5 more of these Lemon Drops first, they’re actually really good!

Merch Guy Has Name Apparently

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

DAYTON, Ohio — Members of local punk band False Dmitri were shocked to learn that their longtime merch guy had a first, middle, and last name, sources reported.

“Get the fuck out of here, I had no idea,” said surprised frontman Scott Novacek. “We always just called him the merch dude. I didn’t even know he worked for us for a while, just figured he was following the band around or something. At one point I think I was calling him Steve, but then our guitarist told me that Steve was our bassist, so I guess I figured he just didn’t have a name. Not sure how he’s been getting paid, come to think of it.”

The merch guy, whose name is Tyler Aaron Gaines, seemed unbothered by the slight.

“I’ve known these guys for a while, since middle school actually. But I’m just the merch dude, so I wouldn’t expect them to really remember a thing like that,” a nonchalant Gaines remarked. “Well, technically, I guess I’m also their roadie since I usually end up helping them load their gear and soundcheck. I also typically settle up their bar tabs for them whenever they go over their allotted amount, but again, little things, so I can’t fault them. Two of them did call me ‘big guy’ at my wedding, so I know they’re making an effort.”

Industry insiders noted that, while merch and sound guys are typically on the lower end of the scene respect spectrum, this incident is especially rare.

“Bands seem to exist in their own little worlds, but this case is especially harsh,” noted venue manager Stacey Deakins. “This guy, whoever he is, seems to be an essential part of their group, so you’d think they’d at least pretend to know his name. I have eight dedicated people on my staff here, and I’ve made it my personal duty to know four of their names. I feel like by the end of the year I might reach that goal. ”

At press time, the band had offered the merch guy to another band in an attempt to settle a gambling debt.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Review: Angel Du$t “YAK: A Collection of Truck Songs”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Angel Du$t, Baltimore’s constantly morphing indie-pop group featuring members of Turnstile and Trapped Under Ice, are back at it with their fourth LP, YAK: A Collection of Truck Songs.

I’ve never been the biggest pop music fan but Angel Du$t is undeniably fun and just as addictive as the name might suggest. Although, I wouldn’t compare listening to this record to actually trying PCP. Believe me, it’s not the same at all. I should know because I smoked some just to see if it would bring me the same amount of joy as this record. It didn’t. Not even close.

First of all, do you know how easy it is to find PCP? It’s literally like the Starbucks of drugs because there’s someone selling on almost every block. Sometimes there are even multiple dealers on the same block. Anyways, I found some, sprinkled the entire contents of the baggie out in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and scarfed it down.

About an hour later I began to feel consumed by this overwhelming sensation. I felt stronger, faster, sharper, everything you’d imagine to feel if you had just acquired superpowers. That’s when my memory gets a little fuzzy. I remember going out for a run and thinking “it’s hot,” before removing all my clothes. Not long after that I was being harassed by these blue demons with little mouths where their eyes should be. They were accompanied by these big white slugs with flashing lights.

Fearing for my life and the safety of the people screaming all around me, I decided to use my newfound powers for good and chose to protect my fellow citizens by bashing in the faces of these demons against their flashy slugs. Pretty sure I even flipped one of those giant beasts over on my own. After that I just remember waking up in a hospital, handcuffed to the bed with a fractured jaw, where a doctor informed me that the PCP I took had sent me into a psychotic rage and I was being charged with two counts of attempted murder on a police officer, destruction of property and indecent exposure. I’m still in the county jail now awaiting my court date.

Score: 5 stars for the album and 1 star for the drugs. I’d give the drugs 0 stars if I could, but damn I felt strong.

/**/

New Reunion Special Features All 7 Actors Who Have Played Andrew W.K.

Posted on by Peter Woods

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Representatives from HBO Max and the creative team behind Andrew W.K. announced plans to air a reunion special featuring all seven actors who have played Andrew W.K. over the past 20 years, during a press conference earlier today.

“It’s hard to overstate just how important this is for fans of the franchise. This will be the first time all seven actors will be in the same room together, ready to act like maniacs and break each other’s noses,” said HBO Max representative Julie Arroyo. “Bringing together this group of talented individuals who brought the Andrew W.K.-verse to life will be such a treat, but it hasn’t been easy. Iggy Powell, who played Andrew #3, left the spotlight to live in a monastery in Tibet, but he will be there and ready to get the party started. This is going to be a must-watch for both casual fans and those who have followed the entire arc of the character.”

The excitement was clearly shared by the actors who have played Andrew W.K. as well.

“I’m stoked to be a part of this event as the latest Andrew, but I’m also coming into this reunion as a lifelong fan. It’s going to be a party from front to back. I packed a few extra pairs of white jeans because I know things are going to get messy,” said current Andrew W.K. actor Orlando Abbott. “I get to meet all of the Andrews I grew up with: Olen Bond, Lionel Velazquez, Paul Giamatti, Domingo Key. These people are my idols!”

Despite the overwhelming excitement, the participants indicated that the event will also include some difficult conversations.

“Playing Andrew was such a rewarding professional experience, but also one of the most difficult times for me personally,” said Darla Osborn, the first and only woman to take on the role. “The amount of hate mail I got during that time from fans claiming that I ruined the character, that casting a woman was somehow ‘not canon,’ the death threats. It was awful and I’m not going to shy away from it.”

“Andrew is just too important of a character in modern American media,” Osborn added. “I refuse to let toxic fans ruin it by rejecting the doctrine of partying I preached through this role.”

HBO Max representatives promised a few surprises beyond the conversation between the actors. While fans suspect this might involve a segment where Kat Denning describes her polyamorous relationship with all seven actors, details will not be released prior to airing the reunion.