PHOENIX — The musical comedy duo of Mitch Warner and Danny Morales, tentatively named “Sax and Violins” or possibly “Fingering A Minor,” are bitterly fighting over whether their band should rip off Flight of the Conchords or Tenacious D.
“There comes a time in all artists’ lives when they must decide just whom they should plagiarize. I definitely have the vocal chops to sing like Jack Black, no matter what anyone says. So I’m leaning towards the D. Plus, Dan could stand to gain 30 or so pounds,” explained Warner. “Apparently he’d rather we bite the deadpan style of Brett and Jemaine. But there’s already five white guy acoustic guitar duos at our local open mic aping Flight of the Conchords, and only four imitating Tenacious D. So I think the choice is obvious.”
Tension within the band has led to several public fights, as witnessed by other local comedians.
“Mitch and Dan both have wildly different ideas for the direction for their band, so their songs run the gamut of boisterous, heavy metal-flavored dick jokes and silly white boy raps or David Bowie pastiches,” said local comic Bayley Singleton. “Don’t get me wrong, I understand carefully choosing your influences. But their songs ‘Alfred the Bigoted Sea Monster’ and ‘Wondrous Man’ are way to close to the originals. Might be time to retain a lawyer. I suggested that they broaden their horizons and rip off Garfunkel and Oates but apparently they don’t get ‘girl humor,’ whatever the fuck that means.”
Unfortunately, creative differences between Warner and Morales resulted in the band breaking up. While some were disappointed, others, like comedy club doorman Jimmy Delgado, were relieved.
“I was really glad to hear they broke up. Are there seriously no original ideas anymore? It’s like how Greta Van Fleet completely ripped off Led Zeppelin. Zeppelin on the other hand were true originals,” said Delgado. “Aside from all those African American blues and rock artists they ripped off, and all those plagiarism lawsuits Led Zeppelin had to deal with, of course. But that’s different.”
Following the band’s break up, Warner and Morales are now fighting over which one of them gets to rip off Bo Burnham.
OMAHA, Neb. — Local straight edge man Hal Pemulis was arrested and booked into Douglas County Department of Corrections after kicking his fathers ass for adding wine to a pasta dish he was preparing for a family dinner, hungry and horrified sources confirmed.
“I expect this sort of shit from a dumb jock at a kegger, but not your own flesh and blood,” said Pemulis while carving Xs into the walls of his cell. “I can’t count how many times I’ve told him I’m poison free and that my mind needs to stay clear. He just doesn’t respect me. Like when I graduated he offered me a cigar or the time he tried to get me to toast champagne at his anniversary party. We only recently started talking again and he goes and pulls this shit. This prick can’t even go one dinner without dousing his food with booze, fucking alcoholic is lucky my sisters pulled me off of him.”
The patriarch of the family, James Pemulis, was reportedly adding the finishing touches to a dish of braised beef with red wine and cranberry when the attack happened.
“I just forgot. It’s been so long since he was over for a Sunday dinner. I wanted to make it special so I found a nice recipe from the internet,” said the father of three while recovering in a nearby hospital. “I figured it would be fine because the alcohol burns off, but he just started screaming and calling me a degenerate. He kept saying something about a ‘Firestorm’ then pulled a cue ball out of his pocket and started hitting me with it. I don’t know but if he thinks I’m helping with his rent anymore he might actually be on drugs.”
Local straight edge scene elder Adrian Villalobos notes that family is often the hardest to come to terms with the drug-free lifestyle.
“It’s tough, man. Your parents can have this preconceived notion about who you are and when you take the oath they can’t handle that you’re now better than them. It’s almost a rite of passage to have some mix-ups with your family. Hell, I’ve had three different physical altercations with my grandma,” explained Villalobos, vocalist of militant straight edge band Thousand Year Edge. “If you aren’t willing to beat a family member to death for disrespecting your beliefs then you can’t call yourself straight edge.”
Pemulis is currently being held in solitary confinement after viciously attacking a cellmate he assumed was making Pruno in the cell toilet.
PHILADELPHIA — Straight edge punk Marieka Layton is definitely getting screwed over at this tapas restaurant when her friends decide they’re going to split a $326 dinner and drinks bill evenly.
“I just know I’m going to get strong-armed into splitting the cost of everyone’s stupid ‘Instagram worthy’ cocktails even though I’ve only been pounding water all night,” said Layton while looking at the check in absolute horror. “First off, I didn’t even touch anyone’s tapas. I wouldn’t be caught dead eating expensive mini versions of food. Secondly, if this is anything like the last time we went out, my friends aren’t even going to ask me if I’m cool with splitting the bill. They’ll just take the credit card from my wallet while I’m in the bathroom. Next thing you know, I’m in debt because Levi ordered nine margaritas again.”
Those close to Layton are reportedly fed-up with her resistance to splitting the check.
“We get that she’s based her life around never having fun, but we invited her so she should be so lucky to split our bill,” said friend from college, Wesley Reed. “If we have to listen to her drone on about some no-name hardcore band from the ‘80s, then the least she can do is respectfully make our night easier by splitting the tab. Isn’t being straight edge all about unity and brotherhood or some shit? What’s more unifying than paying for my eighteen-dollar Long Island Iced Tea.”
Dr. Andre Martinez, a consumer researcher at MIT, has found that more and more straight edge punks are getting stiffed into splitting the bill by the minute.
“We did a behavioral research study across the United States and, according to our numbers, eighty two percent of straight edge punks get peer pressured into splitting the check on a bi-weekly basis,” said Martinez. “For most of our test subjects, they’d rather just suffer the consequences of splitting the bill instead of awkwardly reminding everyone that they don’t drink. Nobody wants to be that guy who makes it complicated, or looks cheap. So, we’re encouraging our test subjects to make better friends whose entire personality isn’t happy hour or boozy brunches.”
At press time, when questioned about the future of this issue, Layton revealed that she’s certain she’s going to get swindled into paying for an endless stream of White Claws at an upcoming Friendsgiving dinner.
The vaccine debate isn’t going anywhere. Thankfully, I’ve never had to participate in any of it because my lifelong commitment to a poison-free lifestyle is way more effective against COVID than any bullshit vaccine on the market. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson all pale in comparison to the straight edge.
Big Pharma has been pushing their drugs on society for far too long, and I won’t give in to their peer pressure campaign. These Xs on my hands mean I’ll never let some medical intern turn me into a vaccine junkie in some tent in a parking lot. I took an oath when I was 13 years old and I can never turn my back on that. Even if all my friends already have, and even if there are no real-world repercussions to breaking edge.
I know you might have your doubts about my claims, but you’re most likely an alcoholic moron puffing on your 40th Newport of the day, and I don’t have time to get into a debate with you. So here are some facts that I feel are true.
•If everyone was straight edge drunk driving fatalities would go to zero overnight.
•Not a single straight edge person died of an opioid overdose this year.
•Listening to “Firestorm” on repeat completely repels COVID, the divebombs are played at a frequency that obliterates the virus
•The straight edge lifestyle has “social distancing” built into the structure of it all. You can’t infect someone if they never wanted to hang out with you in the first place.
I feel sorry for people who need to stick a needle in their arm just to make it through a pandemic. It’s a crutch, and it’s pathetic. Besides, straight edge people are far more productive. When you don’t have a hangover you can get so much more done. When you aren’t invited to parties you have so much more time to work on your zine. The fact that you don’t have any friends left leaves your schedule wide open to learn things like woodworking, or making soap at home.
Look, I’ll be real with you. I come from a family of addicts. Taking the vaccine could lead me down a slippery slope of vaccine addictions. It starts with COVID, then suddenly I’m knocking off a pediatrician for doses of the MMR vaccine. That’s not the life I want to lead. My choice is clear. Straight edge forever. It’s the best defense in the world.
BOSTON — A local straight edge man battling cancer admitted his biggest regret in life was how infrequently he knocked alcoholic drinks out of unsuspecting people’s hands at bars or parties, X’d up sources confirmed.
“When I look back on my life I have a lot of great memories. I moshed a lot, I cut a lot of camo pants into shorts, and I can’t tell you how many times I just sat around with the boys doing absolutely nothing. Those were some of the best days of my life,” said 32-year-old Danny Sullivan. “But if I could do it all again I’d make sure I carved out more time to knock beers onto the floor. Too often I would just let people drink and mind their own business, and I hate myself for that. I should have forced my beliefs onto them more and then tried to fight them.”
Friends of Sullivan say he is being way too hard on himself and should be at peace with his decisions.
“I know where Danny is coming from. We all wish we could go back in time and slash the tires of a Budweiser truck so it couldn’t deliver its poison, but for every beer he didn’t slap there was a pack of cigarettes he crushed, or a joint he smacked into the gutter,” said fellow straight edge friend Matt Finch. “This just makes me want to be twice as militant in his honor. Not only will I smack beers out of hands, but I’ll also smack every coffee I see. Caffeine is one of the most abused drugs there is, look it up.”
Sullivan’s doctors were hopeful about their treatment plan for the young man, but were immediately stonewalled when presenting him with options.
“His cancer is very treatable. I suggest a non-invasive treatment that included some pills which have a great rate of success and he punched my clipboard across the room, grabbed me by my jacket and told me if I ever push drugs on him again I’ll have to get used to swallowing my teeth,” said lead oncologist Donovan Klein. “Everyone has a unique way of coping with a diagnosis like this, but I’ve never had someone physically assault me and then give me a 45-minute lecture on ‘conviction.’”
Sullivan’s last will and testament stipulates that if his dead body is treated with formaldehyde he will be waiting in the next life with a pool cue to beat the shit out of everyone who allowed it to happen.
While they may have been intended for children, that didn’t stop these movies from veering into nightmare fuel. Here are 13 surprisingly dark moments in children’s movies.
The Pink Elephants, Dumbo
Imagine this – you’re 4-years-old watching a hilarious tale of a baby elephant ripped away from its mother, when suddenly those sick fucks at Disney have the gall to insert this scene implying that getting drunk is horrifying instead of totally awesome.
Charlie Bucket’s Grandfather Commits Disability Fraud, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
In a movie full of WTF moments, perhaps the most shocking is witnessing ultimate leech to society Grandpa Joe’s elaborate scheme to lay in bed and collect disability checks while his daughter and grandson support his goldbrickin’ ass.
When the Donkeys are Transformed Back into Humans, Pinocchio
Every one remembers the orphan boys being turned into donkeys. But you likely blocked out the equally traumatizing moment when the donkeys are turned back into boys, particularly their screams of “No! Not sentience again! I was happy as a thoughtless beasts” and “consciousness is a curse!”
Large Marge, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure
Uhhhh, excuse me? “Large” Marge?? How was that nickname ever ok?? Claymation ghost trucker or not, fat-shaming is NEVER acceptable.
When the Rat Catcher Fucked All Those Rats, Ratatouille
Sure, the character’s first line in the film is, “I am rat catcher. I fornicate with rats. This is what will happen and I do not control it.” But even still, it is pretty shocking to see it happen in act three after Remi made the big food or whatever.
Flying Monkeys, The Wizard of Oz
Legend has it the studio worked with a cabal of Nazi scientists to surgically remove the wings of Adean condors and graft them onto the spinal columns of trained actor monkeys. Fun fact: The wings were not functional, so that scene of the monkeys “flying” away from the witch’s balcony was actually them falling to their deaths.
David Bowie’s Massive Hog, Labyrinth
A recent Reuters poll found that 87% of Millennials attribute their first ever “fear boner” to the sight of Bowie’s undulating groin in “Labyrinth.” Truly petrifying.
That Sleepover When Your Dog Peed on Scott’s Personal Pan Pizza And Your Mom Told You You Can’t Play Call of Duty, The Spongebob SquarePants Movie
Who could forget the classic “Shell City” scene where Scott out of nowhere starts yelling about how you owe him 6 bucks because your Pomeranian tinkled on his personal meat lover’s even though you warned him Dolly might mark the pizza if he leaves it on the floor?
Literally Every Piece of Children’s Entertainment from England
To quote the effervescent Oscar Wilde, England is a “stupidely bad hellhole of ugly people that also talk stupid.” While perhaps not his wittiest quote, it certainly applies to unintentionally macabre children’s entertainment like “Watership Down” and “Teletubbies.” This would also explain why midwestern parents in the US frequently threaten to send their misbehaving children to pick elderberries in Yorkforshire.
The Horrors of Socialism, Rugrats in Paris
The “Rugrats” are on the big screen and galavanting around the City of Lights. But the babies’ misadventures take a turn for the red after Chucky shatters his arm and has to “visit the hostabull.” Chucky and his widower father are forced to wait hours for care, watching as Band-aids and ointment are evenly distributed among all patients. The scariest part of all? they never even received a bill for the cast!
The Post-Credit Scene of Champ Getting His Anal Glands Expressed, Homeward Bound
While it is crucial to periodically milk canine anal glands, star Michael J. Fox refused to promote the movie unless the producers kept this post-credit scene of rascally bulldog “Chance” absolutely hosing a veterinary technician in butt juice.
That Scene of My Parents Making Love, The Goonies (TBS Version)
The first forty minutes or so of the VHS tape found under my parent’s bed labeled “The Goonies, TBS” is a rip-roaring, swashbuckling adventure. But then the action is interrupted by a seemingly unrelated scene of my parents having sex. Besides the uncomfortableness of watching my nude parents locked in carnal embrace, the odd segment somehow gets more awkward when dad accuses mom of “not taking it seriously enough,” before the movie mercifully returns to One-Eyed WIlly’s ship.
LOS ANGELES — The International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees are preparing to strike to combat wildly unfair and unsafe working conditions which prompted film studios to raise the amount of valuable experience offered to interns and low-level workers by as much as fifty percent.
“This strike threat has really opened our eyes to the hardships our workers endure and made us take a hard look at the human side of movie making,” said Carol Lombardini, president of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers. “Any executive in Hollywood knows that money isn’t everything, so in lieu of pay raises and more reasonable work hours we are prepared to increase the amount of experience our valuable PAs receive. This will give even the lowest level workers the ability to make up to 120 experience a week. I wish I had this same sort of opportunity when I was climbing the ladder, you simply can’t put a price tag on the privilege of working in this wonderful industry.”
IATSE representatives across the country admit to being insulted by the offer.
“My rent is $1,500 a month and last I checked my landlord still doesn’t accept ‘experience’ as a payment. She wants cash or a check, and even though I’m working 90 hours a week I’m still barely able to afford to live in this town,” said veteran grip Chris Stand. “A fifty percent raise in imaginary value isn’t going to help me. My kids are almost through high school, and I barely have enough industry exposure saved to pay for their first year of college.”
The AMPTP has yet to make any official offer to address union concerns, which also include extremely long hours, but sources say the AMPTP is considering solutions internally.
“Some are trying to unfairly paint us producers as elitist or out-of-touch, but we make every effort to consider the needs of the common worker,” said Cecily Van Grieff, an AMPTP executive, speaking through her full-sensory VR headset from her platinum yacht floating in a secret sixth ocean. “And while we understand that long hours may be taxing, we need workers to do their part to be rested and present, like using their private helicopters to cut down on commute time or their anti-gravity sleep chambers to optimize sleep.”
If a deal is not struck, the strike will commence on Monday, assuming tired IATSE members still have the use of all their muscles to hold up picket signs.
CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE, Fla. — Cultural Icon and noted serial killer Jason Voorhees was reportedly bullied out of infamous Florida summer camp Camp Crystal Lake for wearing a mask, multiple unvaccinated campers confirmed.
“So, there I was unhooking the bra of the new smoking hot counselor when I noticed some seven-foot tall liberal hipster cuck in a mask standing behind some trees about six feet away,” said camp director Donnie Sengstack. “I was like ‘What’s up, bro? Quit hiding and take off your damn mask, pussy. We’re in the fucking woods,’ and he started crying and backing away. That’s when I really started trying to get in his face about how the pandemic is a false flag, he’s being manipulated by the government, and that vaccine mandates are the definition of fascism. Before I knew it he had vanished.”
Those closest to Voorhees say the murderer was extremely distressed by the entire encounter.
“Those people are the real monsters. Just filthy inconsiderate animals and fornicators unfit to live in civil society,” said the psychotic killer’s mother, Pamela Voorhees. “I’ve never seen Jason so visibly upset before. My boy actually put the mask on because of bullying in the first place. Now people are telling him to take it off? He has a pre-existing condition that leaves him extremely vulnerable to the virus. How is he supposed to go out there and kill safely if all his victims are just going to ignore CDC guidelines? I’m not going to let my son go out there and get sick.”
Following Voorhees’ premature departure, numerous staff and campers were reported to have lost their lives at the camp.
“I’ve been doing this job a long time and honestly, I’m surprised this camp is still operating,” said local coroner, Deonte Smith. “People have been dying here for well over thirty years now but this is the first time there wasn’t an absolute bloodbath of dismembered bodies scattered all over the grounds. Looks like everybody here died of complications related to the pandemic. Which, in all honesty, is much easier to deal with in my profession. Way less of a mess than dealing with an entire digestive system hanging out somebody’s torso, but also way more preventable. Get the vaccine and you are far less likely to be hospitalized, I’m not sure who or what was butchering the campers in years prior.”
At press time, Voorhees was seen volunteering his time encouraging his community to get vaccinated.
SALEM, Ore. — Droves of musicians unable to finish career-defining albums due to the distractions of modern life have begun their annual migration north to seek inspiration in remote cabins, multiple musician gazing groups confirmed.
“It’s the cornerstone of my writing process,” said Benjamin Lawrence, a Charleston-based folk artist. “Life can be so hectic. You try to sit down and write your magnum opus, but your phone is buzzing, your PlayStation 5 is humming, and the faded Polaroid of a woman you once loved so many summers ago sits on your desk, haunting you. I just need to disappear from my life and find solace. I throw all of my snuggly flannels and jackets in a duffle, tell my roommates I won’t be able to pay rent for three months, and head towards my late grandfather’s log cabin home. I do it every year. At this point I don’t even use Google Maps, I’m just drawn to it.”
Blaine Pascoe Walcot, a local middle-school teacher, was out for a walk along River Road when he spotted a flock of rare Barn Daniels that just happened to be migrating through the area.
“I’ve heard about it for years but never seen it myself, until now. I was out on a stroll when suddenly an entire swarm of Subarus, packed to the brim with guitar cases and Moleskin notebooks, fluttered by me in a rush,” said Walcot as he wrapped his long toes over the front of his Birkenstocks. “It was wild. It was as if I was seeing double or triple. These soft-handed lumberjacks were everywhere.”
Lachlan Tory Applebot, biologist and author of ‘Field Guide to Singer/Songwriters of North America’, has been studying these patterns for years.
“Ah yes, the Northwestern Bearded Samuel, the Southeastern Flannelated Nathaniel, they tend to prefer their full scientific name, these are all subsets of this folksy bunch. The most common reason for bird migration tends to be a change in a food source, but for this group, it is often due to inspiration sources,” said Applebot. “A successful fall writing season is crucial for a good winter release and a solid summer touring schedule.”
This current migration closely follows the Goth migration season, who trek toward nordic climates during hot weather to avoid heatstroke or outfit changes.
Some people are so bad at marriage, they only do it once, but that’s just not my style. Even as a little boy I knew I wanted to grow up and fulfill my role as protector and semi-faithful husband to a handful of unsuspecting women, just like my dad.
It seemed only natural to get married and raise a house full of half-blooded siblings who barely resembled one another, yet all seemed to inherit my penchant for violence. Being a good husband has always been of the utmost importance to me, and I feel very lucky that I have had so many chances to do it over the years. That being said, I can’t believe my wife just served me divorce papers.
Being faced with another failed relationship has forced me to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask myself why I keep picking such horrible stupid women to marry. If I’m such a “lying cheating piece of shit,” explain to me why seven other women said “I do” on our wedding day, despite fervent objections from their friends and families. I’ll wait.
For the thousandth time, that was not a hickey. I had a mishap with a vacuum cleaner at the car wash and it suctioned onto my neck. Do you have any idea what a 25 horsepower vacuum motor can do once it latches onto a person’s throat? I’m lucky to be alive. Oh, that’s the worst lie you’ve ever heard? You sound just like my ex-ex-ex-ex-wife.
The worst part is that she got our court date scheduled for the middle of June, the peak of wedding season. She knows damned well I’m probably going to be busy with my next marriage by then!
I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect. Maybe I gamble a little too much or drink a little too often, but that’s what men do, which is why everyone I know has a perfectly healthy relationship with their father. Before you go calling me a “verbally abusive control freak” or an “impotent shell of my former self,” just remember the love we shared and all those times I almost made you come.
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