Music World Shocked to Realize Violent Femmes Not Canadian

Posted on by John Danek

MILWAUKEE — Shockwaves were sent through all of music fandom when the world realized Canadian folk punk band Violent Femmes are in fact not Canadian but American, despite everything observable about them, fans and journalists reported.

“I was listening to ‘Add It Up’ and decided to check their Wikipedia article to see what province they’re from, and fuck me sideways, they’re from Milwaukee! Which, to be fair, is basically the U.S.’s Little Canada, but still,” said longtime fan Melanie Rankin, who similarly believed that Canada is the only country where it’s legal to manufacture acoustic basses. “I don’t know, just everything about them screams whiteness, an undefinable type of whiteness that doesn’t really exist below the 49th parallel. They have a song called ‘American Music.’ If they’re really American, shouldn’t the song just be called ‘Music’?”

Music journalists experienced crises of identity after being so egregiously wrong for decades.

“It’s a sobering reminder of why you need to fact check. I’ve written so many Violent Femmes reviews praising their work and Canada’s championing of creative artists that now look pretty stupid in hindsight,” admitted Rolling Stone music reviewer Jacob Langley. “But seriously, can you really blame me? I could swear that I’ve seen photos of them in Ottawa Senators jerseys, throwing back shots of maple syrup with Bruce McCullough. Where did that come from?”

Violent Femmes frontman and primary songwriter Gordon Gano is reportedly very tired of having to remind the world that he and his bandmates are American.

“Come on everyone, we go through this every few years. Why is this so difficult?” demanded Gano, who refused to produce a long-form birth certificate proving his American citizenship. “We are all American. I don’t even like hockey, I’m more of a NASCAR fan myself. Isn’t it obvious that our angsty incel anthems are distinctly American? Canadians don’t have that unearned sense of entitlement nearly as often. Don’t get me wrong — most of the time I wish we were Canadian, politically speaking. But we’re not. So please get your facts straight, or kiss off.”

In the aftermath of this discovery, many music fans reportedly took comfort in listening to the experimental noise-metal music of Russian project Boris.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

Report: Friend has Weirdly Small TV

Posted on by Dan Luberto

WASHINGTON — Local punk Dave Murphy has a weirdly small TV which is causing great confusion, concern and disappointment in his social circle, according to a recent report by friends who were asked to come over.

“I know he’s a pretty low key guy but there’s gotta be some kind of story here,” said recent guest Kyle Palmer. “As far as I know, his job pays decent enough. He’s not rich, but there’s no way anyone can live like this, especially cause I know he doesn’t have a TV in his bedroom either. My sister had a 13-inch Sony Trinitron in her room that was bigger than that thing, and this was in 1993. I think my toaster oven is bigger than his so-called TV.”

The report went on to explain that the minimum acceptable size for a television is 32 inches and anything below that is a “fucking choice,” especially if it is the only TV in the residence and the owner consistently invites friends over for pizza.

“I can’t imagine owning a TV this small and being happy. Life is full of highs and lows but coming home to this every night must wear on you whether you’re conscious of it or not,” said friend who streams everything these days, Frank Norton. “It’s not even like we ever watch anything at his place but still I just worry for him, like is everything okay? It doesn’t make sense for such an otherwise normal guy. Is his house a museum?”

Sources close to Murphy have remained silent on the subject of his lousy home entertainment setup until now.

“I feel so validated by the report that came out. When Dave and I started dating, I thought he was in the process of moving or something, but when I realized he didn’t aspire to own a nice TV to actually enjoy, it was a major red flag,” said ex-girlfriend Natalie Small. “I didn’t end things with him because of his TV; I’ve dated guys with small TVs before. But he could have at least disclosed this beforehand, so we could talk about trying other things, like watching stuff on my laptop, or leaving things open so I could go watch TV somewhere else sometimes if I want to. It just seems selfish.”

At press time, everyone in Murphy’s life was scrambling as he suggested watching a big game at his place.

WebMD Article on ADHD Boring

Posted on by Ian Yamamoto

DUBUQUE, Iowa — A WebMD article explaining symptoms and treatment options for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is reportedly “boring af,” according to sources who are also trying to watch “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” right now.

“My doctor suggested that I might have ADHD and recommended that I do a little research into it to see if anything resonates, but all this shit is dry as fuck,” said Zachary Chan as he clicked to another of his 30 Chrome tabs. “If WebMD wants people to read their site, they should add videos or a picture or something. Like a picture of a guy furrowing his brows, or a meme about a monkey scratching his head in a cubicle. What website is just words nowadays? WebMD, your content is weak.”

Hypochondriac Maya Ward says she’s not even worried about having ADHD, and will not be looking into things any further.

“I didn’t even make it through the symptoms list. At first I thought that was probably a good sign that I had ADHD, but then I realized that this page just sucks,” Ward explained. “When I browse other WebMD pages, I’m terrified because there are so many terminal illnesses that present with common symptoms. But ADHD symptoms aren’t just common, they’re vanilla. Plus, they apply to pretty much everyone. You’re telling me everyone doesn’t open Instagram after forgetting they just closed Instagram? Come on. Try harder, bitch.”

Clickbait content writer Rick Hernandez says he’d be fired if he wrote an ADHD article like this.

“Where’s the sizzle? Where’s the drama? This article is just a list of facts. No one wants to be spoon-fed facts, they want to read stories about ADHD in children who flunk out of school and end up in juvie. They want to read stories about dysfunctional adults with ADHD who can’t hold jobs or relationships and self-medicate with illicit drugs. They want to read about how ADHD messes with your sex life,” Hernandez explained. “I mean, are people with ADHD able to fuck because of their manic energy or really bad at missionary cuz it’s so boring? That’s what I want to know. That’s what the world wants to know. Doctors can’t write content for shit.”

As of press time, site users said the WebMD article on codependency was “a good article and I hear what they’re saying, but the delivery was a little harsh, honestly.”

We Sat Down With the Last Guy Who Still Calls People “Hipsters”

Posted on by John Danek

The early 2010s were a much simpler time. People didn’t eat and breathe divisive politics, guitars could be found in mainstream music, and “Jersey Shore” had just kicked off the golden age of anti-heroes. But if the pleasures of mainstream culture weren’t enough for you, you often were the brunt of the decade’s favorite insult: “hipster.”

Today, hipsterdom has diffused itself into most aspects of modern life. Suburban moms order matcha and St. Vincent is an answer on “Jeopardy!” In modern times the word itself, much like the deeply ironic creature it’s used to describe, has become utterly obsolete.

But not to Derek Mallard, a 34-year-old forklift operator in Butte, Montana. He is still convinced hipsters exist, can be identified, and should be mocked. We sat with him to get down to the bottom of his delusions.

The Hard Times: Hi Derek. As of this morning, you’ve posted on Twitter 6 times this week expressing your disgust towards “hipsters.” What is a hipster to you?

Derek Mallard: It’s these fucking annoying-ass 22-year-olds who go to Coachella every year to get high and dance to bands no one has ever heard of, then act like they’re so elite for doing so.

Did Coachella even happen last year? And the last time we checked, the previous headliners were Rage Against the Machine and Frank Ocean. Not exactly obscure acts.

Whatever. They just sit there and drink their pine needle shit IPAs that no reasonable person actually likes.

Really? Because in 2021, IPAs are the second-most popular type of drink sold after hard seltzers.

Ok, fine. But hipsters are most annoying when it comes to music. It’s all these dipshit wannabe musicians who get some offset Fender guitar and plug them into like forty rustic-looking pedals, pluck one note, and call it a song. They absolutely killed the guitar industry because no one wants to play real music anymore.

According to an interview with Fender’s CEO Andy Mooney, the guitar manufacturer had their highest selling year in 2020, even despite the pandemic. Are you sure you aren’t just being crotchety because some parts of one really annoying subculture are now mainstream?

I don’t know, man. The world is changing so fast and I can’t find my place in it. If I lose hipster bashing, I lose myself. Please don’t make me confront the cold reality of my own identity. What does it all mean? I’m so alone.

There, there. We think you’re going to be okay. …Are you crying?

Yeah but, like, ironically.

Punk Who Once Ate Glass Now Has Gluten Sensitivity

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

OMAHA, Neb. — Local aging punk Adrian Cox, once known for outlandish behavior like snacking on shattered light bulbs, refused an hors d’oeuvre at a wedding reception because it contained rye bread, disheartened witnesses reported.

“I thought the wedding was about to get crazy when I saw [Cox] across the room. That dude was, literally, known for taking bites out of pint glasses and then spitting blood in your face,” said wedding attendee Rudy Carr. “So imagine my disappointment when he asked the server if the goat cheese and mushroom toast square was gluten-free, and then passed on it! This man has literally eaten teeth… and not his own.”

Cox defended his decision to refrain from any gluten-containing foods.

“Yeah maybe avoiding bread isn’t very punk, but you know what else isn’t punk? Celiac disease,” Cox explained while eating cheese cubes by the handful. “At least chewing on bits of broken bong didn’t give me psoriasis and constipation. So you’ll excuse me if I pass on the gluten and also anything with tree nuts, and anything with processed white sugar. And yes, this is a Jack & Diet Coke, you want to make a big deal about it? I’m not too old to kick your ass. Just let me limber up first.”

Dietician Kelley Alvarez said that this is very common among aging punks.

“As these punks get older, they don’t have the intestinal fortitude to digest things like cigarette butts and bleach anymore,” Alvarez said. “They also discover allergies that years of alcohol and drug use might have covered up. Not to mention that their metabolism starts to slow down, and they have to start worrying about the calorie content of dumpster dived yogurt and roadkill.”

When reached for update, Cox expressed interest in also giving up red meat to see if it helps with his fatigue.

Woman Spends $90 on Floor Tickets After Forgetting She’s 5’2″

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

DETROIT — Local short person Elizabeth Kramer spent $90 on floor tickets for an upcoming concert after forgetting that she’s only 5’2”, sources who have no trouble seeing the stage confirmed.

“Yeah, this one’s on me — I got so excited about finally going to a concert again that I spaced on the fact that I’m way too short for floor seats,” said Kramer, staring at her purchase confirmation. “I’m 5’2”, and that height is like a magnet for tall people. I swear it’s some unknown force that drives people over six feet to stand in front of you. If I’m lucky, they’ll cock their head to the side to check their phone at some point so I can see a corner of the stage for a second. Ugh. I should call the venue and see if they’ll let me trade for seats in the balcony, where I belong.”

Local tall guy Dave Macdonald experienced the opposite problem, and was plagued with guilt upon purchasing floor tickets after forgetting he’s 6’1”.

“I just hate that look on their tiny faces. You walk up to a spot, they notice you, and their face just falls. Like, ‘oh great, here’s this big behemoth coming to stand right in front of me for a two-hour show,’” said Macdonald. “It’s like some unknown force compels short people to stand behind you. I feel awful about it, but what do I do? I already spent a shitload on these tickets. Maybe the venue will let me swap out for balcony seats, where I belong.”

Experts believe people have forgotten the nuances of attending live shows after being stuck inside for so long.

“People are forgetting all sorts of details for attending live shows,” said Sandra Hart, noted psychologist. “My team came across one case involving an Ohio man who forgot about venues’ exorbitant beverage costs. He openly wept after paying his $45 tab for two glasses of merlot and one Two-Hearted ale draft.”

At press time, Kramer was online shopping for the perfect romper to wear to the hours-long concert with only Port-O-Potties offered as available restrooms.

Venue Requires Proof of Shower Before Entry

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local venue Breezy Steve’s Beer Barn now requires attendees to show proof of showering before they enter the venue, according to sources currently smelling their own shirts just off to the side of the door.

“As shows start to come back, we realized that not only is the safety of our attendees of the utmost importance, so is their ability to enjoy the music without the pit smelling like roadkill,” said Jesse Valente, booking agent at Breezy Steve’s Beer Barn. “No one wants to get a face full of some crusty kid’s armpit stank when they’re trying to have a good time. As such, we’ll be performing a sniff test on everyone at the door. If they’re not comfortable with that, then they’ll have to show the door guy a shower selfie with a timestamp within the past two days.”

Reactions from patrons were mixed, but broadly positive.

“I mean, it’s nice to have a sense of community accountability, you know?” said a showgoer who only identified himself as Eyeball. “We’ve all been lax and irresponsible with our hygiene in the past; this way, if we want to enjoy what our community has to offer, we have to stay up on our scrub downs. I think that this mandate will help encourage us to be a more conscious community.”

“It’s not about keeping me from smelling myself, it’s about not spreading that smell to more vulnerable members of our community,” he added.

However, not everyone is on board with the new policy, including Skids Discharge, frontperson of local goregrind act Fuckpigs on Parade.

“It’s fucking bullshit is what it is,” they said, visibly irate. “What ever happened to ‘My body, my choice,’ huh? We’re all about autonomy until it comes to not showering, and then suddenly we’re Mussolini’s Italy. How the fuck you gonna wear an anarchy patch on your threads and then suck up to some soapy, sudsy police state? Fuck that noise. Fascist cunts.”

In a related story, The Beer Barn has canceled an upcoming performance by Days N Daze after realizing the new mandate would reduce the show’s attendance to zero.

Photo by Senny Mau. 

These Damn Millennials Are Too Addicted to Their Phones To Enjoy the World My Generation Destroyed

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

There are so many things to hate about this entitled millennial generation, but nothing scorches my sky more than their addiction to technology. These ungrateful kids spend all day staring at their phones without ever taking the time to look around and truly appreciate the world. The same world that my generation destroyed.

Turn off those phones and go outside! Seriously, go outside while there’s still an outside to go out in. Because, and I don’t know if you know this, my generation wasn’t great at extrapolating population growth. And a few other things. But otherwise, we were perfect.

You got 10 new followers on the new social media app? Whoop-de-doo. Or as your generation says, “Whoop-de-whoop.” Did you even notice the colossal wildfire creeping toward your home? What’s the point of living if you don’t stop and inhale the encroaching smoke cloud every once in a while?

You think it was easy building an apocalyptic hellscape from scratch? No, we had to work, which is something your generation just doesn’t understand. You’re all so concerned with leaving your digital footprint that your generation forgot to make the largest ecological footprint possible. That’s why my generation, the so-called “baby boomers” are the greatest generation. That reminds me, I also hate the greatest generation. Narcissistic, selfish assholes.

Look, the oceans don’t magically start to rise because you reached a new high score in Candy Crush. It takes years of hard work and millions of metric tons of carbon dioxide to make it happen. If you’re not going to pick up a rifle and help hunt an endangered species into extinction, the least you can do is stop texting and buy some of these exotic pelts.

That said, I recognize that some millennials have been using their phones to help make things worse in a variety of creative ways, which gives me hope that the world will still be in awful hands after my generation is gone. They are the innovators of the future and hopefully, with a little luck, the next generation’s planet will be even grimmer and more horrific than we ever imagined. That’s what they deserve for all their “okay, boomer” bullshit.

Punk Friends Leaving Dinner Party Not Sure Whose Doc Martens Are Whose

Posted on by Julia Zhen

CLEVELAND — A group of disgruntled, shoeless punks met each other’s empty gazes in a foyer as they attempted to find their own black leather Doc Martens in a pile of mismatched and identical pairs, sources on the scene confirmed.

“I was the last person to arrive this evening,” explained dinner party attendee Janet Mielson. “And I swear to god, I don’t know how this happened, but the pile of shoes genuinely looked like it had been mixed up like a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese on a Saturday afternoon.”

As the evening progressed, the pile of Doc Martens sat idly in its own camouflage, according to host and homeowner Ned O’Flanagan.

“When I went to the front door to let the dog out, I saw the heap of boots on the floor and it was somehow worse than I expected,” he said. “There were seriously 44 fuckin’ 10-eye black leather Doc Martens in the walkway. I thought I could spot mine because they’re made from vegan leather, but then I counted seven other individual vegan leather boots, too. And two of those pairs managed to have the same damn brown and yellow tetoron laces as me? How, just how?”

Jürgen Märtens, great-grandson of original Dr. Martens AirWair creator Klaus Märtens, said he has seen this scenario unfold over and over again.

“Look, I feel for Ned and his friends, but can you even imagine what family gatherings looked like for us?” he said. “Growing up, trying to get out the door after a Christmas party, Thanksgiving dinner, or, honestly the worst of them all, Grandma’s 90th birthday party at the nursing home, has always been a disaster. We’re usually all really drunk, and it just doesn’t help that everyone, for every gift exchange, gets their own pair of jet black Docs. After Meemaw’s 90th, I woke up the next morning in my niece’s size 6’s halfway strapped around my feet. That was a wild night.”

At press time, the group had moved to a nearby room where they parsed through the “coat couch” to figure out whose shitty leather jacket was whose.

Are You Using the Wrong Guitar Pick? Read This Article and Enjoy Pretending That’s the Problem for a Little While

Posted on by Dan Rice

For many guitar players, finding the perfect sound can feel more like a journey than a destination. You work hard saving up money to buy the right guitar, the right gear, the perfect pedal board, whatever it takes to make the sounds in your mind real, but it never seems quite right. Well, what if we told you that the only gear you need to perfect your sound is a different guitar pick?

Boy, would that be fucking something or what? Gosh, that is fun to think about! Go on, just think about it for a second. Isn’t that nice? Hey, read slower. Savor this time.

Okay, so here’s the good part. Are you ready? According to experts — experts, mind you — a heavier guitar pick WILL generate a darker sound than a light pick! Okay, that’s something! Isn’t that interesting? Doesn’t it just make you want to not question what “darker sound” even means and daydream that you are actually very good at the guitar?

But wait, there’s more! Some guitar picks are more appropriate than others for certain playing styles! That’s TWO THINGS! In fact, some people naturally play in such a way that they are better off not using a pick at all. Oh, the mind reels! Wait, where are you going? You’re not going to pick up your guitar, are you? No no, stay here.

Stay here.

The second you take your eyes off of this article, it’s over. You are no longer living in “Could that be the problem?” Once you get up from this, you will start the process of buying a new pick, playing your guitar, and let’s face it, probably being disappointed. Why start all of that when you can stay here, a magical realm of possibility where all that stands between you and rock-stardom is a tiny piece of plastic?

What if your bass player was wrong when he called your songs “paint by numbers and feeling-less”? Maybe they’ve all been wrong. Maybe you’re a genius! Jesus, wouldn’t that be something?

STAY HERE!

Maybe changing your guitar pick will unlock everything. Maybe the first chord you strum will echo across the world, and all who doubted you before will gather round, dumbfounded, and bow before you as they would a squire pulling Excalibur from the stone.

DON’T LOOK AT YOUR GUITAR, STAY HERE! STAY WITH US HERE, WHERE IT’S SAFE!

This is a win-win situation. The longer you stay on our website, the better it is for us, and you like being here! You are Schrödinger’s guitar god right now. Isn’t that better than being like a cashier or whatever?

Look, you’ve been down this road before. Remember when you were reading that article about how maybe you swear too much because you’re a genius? Remember how good that felt? Then you stopped reading it, and reality set in. Why would you fucking do that to yourself again? Why leave paradise?

Look, why don’t you do us both a favor, scroll back up to the top, and read this article again. Slower this time. Much. Slower.