Guy At Bar Knocks Over Three Tables Rushing to Interrupt Woman Talking About Whiskey

Posted on by Tyler Dark

REHOBOTH BEACH, Del. — A local woman’s conversation with friends was disrupted by a man who stormed across the bar to correct a statement she made about whiskey and upturned several hi-top tables in the process, according to sources.

“I heard a bunch of glasses break and I thought a car had crashed into the side of the building or something,” recalled Stephanie Perry, whose offhand remark about disliking Scotch resulted in nearly a thousand dollars in property damage. “I turned to look and there was a bright red man running straight at us knocking over everything in his path. All because one of my friends was talking about single- versus blended-malt, and I was just like, I don’t know, Glenlivet and Johnnie Black both kinda taste like distilled shit to me. I’m just glad I made it out of there alive.”

The man who caused the commotion later claimed that while others might have been alarmed, it was one of many such confrontations he regularly has.

“Such severe misjudgment simply cannot be tolerated,” declared Albert Landry while adjusting his velvet vest. “It’s only right that a learned gentleman such as yours truly should correct a lady who utters such hogwash by any means necessary. Had I allowed m’ladies to proceed with the discussion, I might have had to endure listening to some pea-brained drivel about how bourbon doesn’t necessarily have to be made in Kentucky. It’s a good thing I was there alone with no friends because I might have been lost in conversation and missed my chance to yell at some women.”

The staff at Angel’s Gastropub were reportedly unsurprised, alleging that annoying white guys channeling their rage into pretentious opinions about meaningless bullshit was something they have come to expect during a typical night at work.

“This kinda shit happens all the time,” claimed bartender Jamie Poynter, who was working on the night of the occurrence. “Just a couple days ago, our door guys had to restrain some dude who screamed at a woman so hard for ordering a gimlet with gin that he popped a blood vessel in his eye. And about a month back, a guy pulled out a gun when he heard a woman order a martini without vermouth. Meanwhile, he drank Jack & Cokes all night and tipped eight percent. But in this industry, dealing with egomaniacal assholes on a constant basis just comes with the territory.”

Sources familiar with Mr. Landry have said that although he was outraged and disgusted by Perry’s ridiculous statement, he would still be very happy to see a picture of her feet.

Ranked: Best Bars in NYC for Remembering Everything You Hate About Bars

Posted on by Heather Cook

Remember bars? Remember partying until the break of dawn in your favorite dive spot while the glow of New York City lights up the faces of hammered finance bros? Well, bars are back, baby! It’s time to get your vaccinated ass back into the social world and start remembering everything you hated about bars to begin with. Over-priced cocktails, sweaty dudes, neverending bathroom lines. It’s all waiting for you! So, we’ve put together a list of the best bars in NYC that will remind you why you used to always bail on Happy Hour.

Jake’s Dilemma, Upper West Side
You’ve been in quarantine for so long that you almost forgot that entitled frat bros exist. Unfortunately, within the first two minutes at Jake’s Dilemma, you’ll be reminded of their sad and overpopulated existence on the Upper West Side. In this hot spot for Alpha Phi guys, you can absolutely expect to be hit in the back of the head with a beer pong ball. Hope you like the smell of spilled PBR on a perpetually sticky floor and too much Axe body spray.

White Horse Tavern, Greenwich Village
One of the few remaining hipster enclaves in the Village that is guaranteed to make you remember everything you hate about men with zero self-awareness screaming into your ear about Bitcoin and the bar’s impressive IPA selection. It can get pretty crowded on the weekends, so brace yourself for an unwanted hand on your lower back as some douchebag makes their way through the bar.

Pietro Nolita, Bowery
This city is crawling with fame-obsessed influencers that will do anything for a fancy-schmancy photo op, and this Instagrammable bar is their watering hole. This place will remind you of how annoying it is to be surrounded by millennials that think it’s still cool to blog. But don’t worry about actually having a good time. It only matters if you look like you’re having fun in the picture.

Jekyll and Hyde Club, West Village
Do you love bars that have a live show with outdated animatronics? No? That’s what we thought. You might decide to go to this bar ironically for the spooky Jekyll and Hyde show, but next thing you know, some open micer will be asking where you’re from. No amount of improv classes can prepare you for the consequences that come with going to a bar that has live entertainment.

Clockwork Bar, Lower East Side
Shabby little dive bars like this one remind us that punk’s not dead! It also reminds us that punks can be incredibly pretentious and you’ll somehow feel judged in this grungy dive. The bouncer will be mean, the bathrooms will be toxic, and anyone that doesn’t look like Sid Vicious will be treated like Johnny Rotten.

Sampled Voicemails Only Communication Rapper Has Left with Mother

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

ENCINO, Cali. — West coast hip hop artist Travis MacKinnon, known in the music world as Beezy P, admitted that the only form of communication he currently has with his mother is sampling voicemails she leaves on his phone.

“It’s fire. My moms is always laying it on the line in her messages. Sometimes she’s trippin’ that I never call her back, other times she’s telling a story that goes nowhere, or it’s just a butt dial and I hear her singing to herself,” said the caucasian voice of the streets from his suburban home. “That’s why I be slipping ‘em in every time. Did some of that email survey shit and almost every single one of my fans either has no relationship with, or hates their mom. That’s where I come in and give ‘em a taste of what they don’t got, it hits ‘em different. Mi madre tu madre, supply and demand type beat.”

Allen Anderson; a friend and contemporary of MacKinnon, was not as emphatic about his peer’s use of the trope.

“I mean at first, it was unique,” said Anderson. “But he’s just stretching it thin, bro. No disrespect, but I don’t understand the merit of putting some shit like ‘What time is your Target interview’ and ‘Your allowance is not open for debate’ in front of the beat drop, y’know? I’ve heard other rappers use this same trick, and those messages actually make you think. These messages just make me want to skip the song.”

Despite not fully understanding the utility of including her voice in her son’s music, MacKinnon’s mother Susan still seems supportive of his endeavors.

“You gotta let your kids be creative, art’s a great way to express themselves,” said Mrs. MacKinnon through a borderline concerning grin. “That being said, they typically get it out of their system before they’re 27, but everyone moves at their own pace. He tells me he’s been making ‘hella bank’ selling something called reposts? I just hope they’re not drugs. But who am I kidding, if they were drugs he probably wouldn’t still be in my basement.”

At press time, it’s been confirmed that all revenue for Beezy P’s recent mixtape “Tha Trap Make My Mama Cry Vol. 2” which has garnered over 5 million streams is now legally owed to Mrs. MacKinnon after an entertainment lawyer was able to prove that over 90% of the tape is just her voice.

Opinion: Tattoos Shouldn’t Hurt So Much

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Ow! Seriously, that really fucking hurts! It feels like you’re slowly slitting my bicep with a hot, wet scalpel. I guess now I know how people who wake up during surgery feel. God damn. This pain is otherwordly, but I still want to get so many more tattoos. Look, I don’t know who I need to speak to about this, but the tattoo industry would make so much more money if they simply didn’t hurt so much.

At first, I thought I just so happened to get my first tattoo in the most painful spot possible, but that tattoo pain chart over there said “bicep” was among the least painful. Plus, I have a super high threshold for pain. I’ve gotten so many Henna tattoos and they barely make me wince. All I’m sayin’ is maybe the tattoo industry can take the pain-free page out of the Henna handbook.

Wait, were you trying to hurt me? If this is a rite of passage thing, then I get it. But since I made it through this ordeal without punching or suing someone, I think I’ve earned my stripes. Speaking of which, how bad would it hurt to add stripes to this?

How come the tattoo industry is so slow to evolve? Sure, the guns have gotten a lot better, but it’s basically been the same ink-in-skin method for thousands of years. Every other industry has come a long way in the pain department. Take dentistry, for example. They at least give you drugs before they use their medieval torture tools on you. If the tattoo industry teamed up with big pharma, I think that would lead to some really good, pain-free decisions.

It seems like everyone has a tattoo these days. So how the hell did they all sit through this?! Are they all gluttons for punishment? Do they get off on it as much as the artists clearly get off on doling out pain in the form of nautical stars and tribal bands?

I just don’t see how anyone could actually tolerate that naggy, cutting pain for hours at a time. I’m forced to conclude that it’s all a front for some kind of dom/sub/ink exchange that my innocent self stumbled into. Wait, we’re done? That’s it? Aww, but it was just getting good!

Local Man Pretty Certain Nobody Can Tell He Also Uses His Mask as Napkin

Posted on by Brandon Talley

LOS ANGELES — Local man Peter Thurman is pretty certain nobody can tell he frequently uses his COVID mask as a cloth napkin for yet-to-be determined reasons, disgusted sources confirmed.

“I’d be pretty surprised if anybody could tell,” Thurman stated through a ketchup and possibly curry-stained mask. “It’s like this pandemic may have changed our lives forever, but I found the silver lining. No need to call me brave, I’m no hero. I’m just doing what anybody else would in the same situation, even if no one else will admit to doing so when asked.”

Several diners at a local Arby’s say they could tell Thurman “was up to something” and acting erratically.

“That young man was huddled over in his booth eating a sandwich like some sort of goblin. In between bites his eyes would dart back and forth before putting his mask on and extensively ‘adjusting’ it,” said Margery Jenkins, active AARP member and local Arby’s enthusiast. “I may have poor eyesight at this age, but even I knew what that boy was doing. That one can ‘adjust’ his mask all he wants, but Jesus knows what he’s up to.”

Coworkers at first hesitated to acknowledge association with Thurman, but reluctantly corroborated these accounts and added further unsettling details.

“Yeah, it’s super obvious. He’ll come back from lunch with relish sprayed all over his mask and he’s always like, ‘I just sneezed, quit asking about it,’” said Mike Stevens, Thurman’s supervisor at a local record store. “Even if he was able to fool anybody, he won’t stop talking about it. He’s always like ‘hey Mike want to know a little secret?’ Like, no dude. Then he keeps saying ‘no need to thank me’ after telling me anyway. What the hell is wrong with that guy? We have free napkins in the break room.”

At press time, Thurman divulged “another secret to share with the world,” explaining that he had escalated to keeping little snacks stashed away in his mask for later.

Oh You’re a Gearhead? Name Three Worthless Things You Squandered Your Kid’s College Fund On

Posted on by James Knapp

So you’re a gearhead, huh? You think you’ve got a sweet gear collection? Alright, if you’re so sure of yourself, then how about putting your child’s entire academic future where your mouth is? Name three of the most needlessly expensive pieces of equipment that you burned your kid’s college fund for.

What’s that? No response? You mean you’ve never once had to explain to your kid that he’s gonna be stuck going to correspondence college because you just bought a reverb pedal that costs the same as a mid-size pickup truck? Pffft, some gearhead you are. It’s like you care less about note resonance than your son’s lifelong dream of becoming a pediatric surgeon. Sort your priorities out.

You shouldn’t even be able to call yourself a gearhead if you’re not maxing out at least three credit cards a month buying new mini amp heads. Crippling debt is the centerpiece of any real gearhead’s collection.

It takes total commitment to be a gearhead. It’s a way of life. If you’re not willing to take out a third mortgage to invest it into your pedalboard, then you may as well go back to school to take your CPA exam you boring, fiscally-responsible fuck.

Like I told my son before he refused to talk to me for the last nine years, “Sometimes a vintage tube amp that doesn’t actually work can teach you a whole lot more than an Ivy League education ever could.” What those lessons are I have no idea, but seriously, check out this amp! It won’t turn on, but I’m pretty sure I’m only like three grand away from figuring out what the problem is.

Noise Musician’s Ex-Girlfriend “Totally Fine” Letting Break Up Ruin Noise Music for Her

Posted on by Peter Woods

EUGENE, Ore. — Local actuary Kelly Freeman reported that her recent breakup from noise musician Floyd Harrell has “completely ruined” the genre for her, but it will have no effect on her life as she never planned on listening to noise music again anyway, sources close to the relationship confirmed.

“This kind of thing just happens with all break ups,” said Freeman. “I still can’t watch ‘The Office’ without thinking about my college boyfriend who turned out to be a total asshole. The difference is I actually want to watch that show. Listening to a Swedish dude beat the shit out of himself over a car horn, a bunch of cicadas, and a baby crying is not something I’m going to miss.”

“I always thought noise music was bad,” added Freeman. “Now it’s just a different kind of bad. And that’s fine.”

Harrell has developed a similar painful association with the genre because of the breakup.

“I know that the point of this harsh noise wall record is that it’s supposed to be about nothingness and the void that is the modern condition, but I can’t stop thinking about her when I listen to it,” screamed Harrell over his stereo while throwing marbles at a trash can. “Listening to any kind of noise just hurts so much right now. But inflicting pain on myself was the reason I listened in the first place, so it actually kind of rules.”

For those close to both Freeman and Harrell, the breakup has affected them as well.

“It sucks that Kelly [Freeman] won’t be at our shows anymore,” said Ollie Mccullough, the other member in Harrell’s noise duo Wandering Uterus. “She was always fun to talk to between sets. And it’s always kind of nice seeing good looking people in the audience when you’re jamming. But it’s sort of a silver lining that she’s single now, right? I wonder how long I should wait before hitting her up.”

“Normally I wouldn’t do this kind of thing,” Mccullough added, “but it’s kind of slim picking out there for folks like me. And if she put up with one noise musician, my guess is she’ll do it again.”

At press time, Freeman was reportedly doing her best to avoid feeling sad by creating a playlist consisting mainly of Bright Eyes, The National, and Tori Amos because it helps her “feel nothing.”

Dinner Guests Blissfully Unaware Hosts Fucked on Table They’re Eating Off Just Half Hour Ago

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Attendees of a dinner party hosted by Jon and James Adler were ignorant that the couple had engaged in a raw, depraved fuckfest on the dinner table 30 minutes earlier, sources reported.

“Their dinner parties always take my breath away, but something about this meal just left me feeling satisfied,” remarked guest, Jeff Holloway, unaware James had ridden Jon like a bull inches from his plate the very same evening. “There was just this explosion in my mouth of flavor. Everything about the meal made my mouth water. They must have been using a new room freshener as well, it had this earthy, musky scent to it. They definitely knew how stuffed we were, too; they just kept sharing looks and giggling.”

Reached for comment, the Adlers stated that the incident was a spontaneous occurrence in the process of preparing for guests.

“We’d been so busy getting everything ready for the party and work this week, I guess we hadn’t really had much time for each other,” remarked Jon Adler, who railed James while wearing a dog mask on the exact spot his boss was showing other guests photos of her family. “We were getting the table ready and James made this ‘that’s what she said’ joke. I guess that just reminded us both it had been a minute since we were last intimate, because without even thinking, I just threw everything off the table and jumped all over him. We only stopped when someone rang the buzzer, so we cleaned as best as we could and got the party going.”

Experts stated that while the couple’s close proximity to food during the physical act was less than sanitary, they do exemplify a couple with a healthy sex life.

“I think for Jon to slap James in the ass while calling him a naughty cumslut on the dining table is a sign that this a healthy, working relationship,” stated sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. “In many long-term relationships, the spark often goes out. But in the case of these two, the fact that there is spontaneity and willingness to explore new sex acts and locations of the house show that they are still very much in love. If you look past the health code issues, and the completely ruined plate of deviled eggs, it’s quite beautiful.”

At press time, James Adler was overheard assuring his guests that dessert would be out in “just a minute” while Jon ate his ass in the kitchen.

Drum Circle Ruined by Every Participant

Posted on by Contributor

SAN FRANCISCO — A large drum circle in Golden Gate Park was ruined by each and every percussionist’s inability to keep a beat, understand rhythm, and maintain some shred of personal hygiene, multiple witnesses confirmed.

“I finally got to visit San Francisco and stroll around this beautiful park, and those people ruined my vacation. Hearing that crap was one of the most upsetting moments of my life, and I’m a trauma nurse at a children’s hospital,” said Silvia Chandler after sprinting three miles to escape the repetitive yet somehow unpredictable sounds of the circle. “I tried pleading with them to stop, but they ignored my cries. If anything, it only made them play faster and worse. There was a young woman in baggy pants dancing in the middle of the circle, and I’m afraid she might have a severe brain injury if she thought that ‘music’ was acceptable to dance to.”

Jonathan “Guava” St. Claire was one of the many participants in the drum circle and had a different view of the jam session.

“That was the most transcendent, spiritual, and cleansing jam I’ve had since yesterday evening’s jam. We were all just so dialed in; pulsing, throbbing, like a swarm of beautiful honeybees with bongos taped to their wings,” said St. Claire in a fog. “We live in such a divisive world right now, but it’s amazing to see that everyone, whether young or old, rich or poor, can have such a visceral response to the magic. I saw multiple people screaming with joy. One guy was so overcome with source energy he started throwing punches at someone grooving on a paint bucket. Powerful.”

The head of percussion studies at Oberlin College hopes to educate the public enough in order to eradicate drum circles by 2030.

“The percussive arts are given a bad name when you pull together dozens of people with fried brains banging on conga drums with no sense of timing, or understanding of what is going on around them,” said Professor Michael Rosenthal. “If these people showed up and just started blowing into a flute they’d look like lunatics to most people, but for some reason drum circles are accepted. I’ve been trying to get legislation passed in the Ohio Senate to end drum circles in public, but so far they’re more interested in restricting voting rights.”

A new study by a leading veterinary institute shows that dogs exposed to three or more drum circles a week are more likely to show outward signs of depression and attempt to jump off bridges whenever given the chance.

American Fencing Academies: Are They Adequately Preparing Our Children for Real World Sword Fights?

Posted on by Dan Rice

In today’s highly connected and ultra competitive world, parents want to give their children every advantage possible. As anyone who’s ever seen a Tarantino movie can tell you, sword fighting plays a major role in nearly every aspect of modern life. We send our children to high-end fencing academies to give them the sword skills they’ll need to overcome the challenges they’ll face as adults. But have American Fencing Academies lost touch with how bladed combat applies to the real world?

If you sit in on a modern-day youth fencing class (which you can do, and they have to let you in) you will see students engaging in one of three forms of combative choreography: the foil, the épée, and the sabre. While these dueling dances are impressive, they bear little resemblance to the highly stylized, ultra violent katana fights that erupt in the shady warehouses and boardroom meetings of today’s major corporations.

The problem extends beyond competing in the corporate world; it’s an issue of survival. Go ahead and poke your head into a local youth fencing class (you have a legal right to be there, and if they threaten police action, call their bluff). Our children spar on a points system, being awarded anytime their blade makes contact with an opponent’s body. Then, at the end of the match, they shake hands. It’s a nice system, but unfortunately, that isn’t how it goes down in the real world.

In a street situation, blade contact is replaced by full-on stabbing and “points” are replaced by staying alive. Imagine your child running afoul of a highly thematic sword-wielding street gang, or a rōnin who had one drink too many. Push come to shove, they’d be dead before they could say “En garde!”

The problem may stem from an overemphasis on safety. Walk into the locker room of any youth fencing class (it is your right as an American to be there, and if a security guard interferes you can uppercut them with zero legal repercussions). Notice the full-body beekeeper-like outfits everyone is changing into. They’re supposed to be for safety, but see how long it takes to put one of those things on. Why would an attacker allow their mark a full 5 minutes to put on a literal suit of armor? That’s just bad attacking.

The fact of the matter is that our modern schools of fencing are woefully unequipped to prepare our children for the many literal battles they will face. If the government is not willing to intervene, then at the very least they should stop arresting the “trespassers” who are just trying to make a difference.