The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Meet the 4 Original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Whose Strict Adherence to the Bushido Code Was “Too Grisly” for Cartoons

Posted on October 22, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been a pop culture phenomenon since Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman first debuted them in 1984. From children’s cartoons to Michael Bay movies to your childhood lunchbox, these heroes in a half shell are everywhere! But what a lot of people don’t know is that the Turtles franchise was almost flushed down the drain before it even launched. See, the popular image of the Turtles as pizza-loving party dudes is a far cry from how they were originally pitched. Time to meet the original four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles whose devotion to the warrior code of Bushido was considered “too grisly” for cartoon audiences at the time.

While we all love Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and the lovable goof Michelangelo, here are the four original Ninja Turtles that were just a bit too “cold-blooded” to launch a global children’s brand around:

Boticelli: The eldest of the four turtle brothers, Boticelli tended to assume the role of leadership. In fact, he took his duty as the head of the family so seriously that he demanded absolute fealty and deference from “peasants,” which pretty much meant all New Yorkers. In what would have been the first issue, he decapitated civilians for “insolence,” “rudeness” or simply as a sign of his authority. A little much for a kids’ show!

Caravaggio: This turtle was an early fan favorite, and his comparatively easy-going attitude is generally considered the template for the later surfer-dude turtles. Unfortunately, Caravaggio’s fervent devotion and constant references to the Japanese Shōwa Emperor Hirohito being a living god on Earth simply didn’t translate to the cartoon’s more child-friendly aesthetic.

Tintoretto: Only appearing in two pages of the original comic, Tintoretto failed in a mission against the Foot Clan and committed seppuku as penance.

Norman Rockwell: In theory, this turtle’s devotion to the Bushido tenets of courtesy, tranquility, and harmony with nature should have made him a great role model for children. His intense bigotry towards turtles with any amount of Korean ancestry got him axed.

What a show those four would have made! Any of the original materials featuring them are now considered rare collectibles, especially the animatics for the proposed first episode where the brothers spend 22 minutes graphically torturing Shredder to death. Turtle Power!

Ska Album Played Backward Contains Hidden Satanic Puns

Posted on October 22, 2021 by Bobby Korec

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Local ska fan Brian Blum identified several hidden satanic puns while playing Skaranormal Activity’s new record backwards on a turntable in his basement, sources who preferred to take him at his word than see for themselves confirmed.

“There I was casually enjoying ‘Skanking for World Peace’ in reverse when all of a sudden some demonic voice snarled some of the most ominous wordplay I’ve ever heard,” said Blum before taking several minutes to decide whether to go with Van checkerboard shoes or his bowling-inspired footwear for the day. “I mean, I clearly identified an evil presence say, ‘all hail the prince of ska-ness’ and ‘ska ska ska is the number of the beast.’ It freaked me out so much that I turned the album off and burned it in the backyard. I just can’t have nefarious subliminal messages influence me without my knowledge and inadvertently turn me to the dark side of cheesy puns. The demon was a pretty sweet touch though.”

The band was surprised to hear about the alleged messages and claim to have nothing to do with them.

“As the world’s most prolific Christian ska band, we find it offensive that fans would think that we intentionally hid satanic puns on our record,” said Jayne Laughlin, the band’s guitarist, trombonist, and kazoo player. “Especially when you consider that we went out of our way to carefully weave in pro-Jesus ska-related puns throughout the entire album and in the liner notes. Like I always say, the best way to spread the gospel is through the use of clever wordplay. The fact a dark force might be clouding our recordings worries me. On our next album we will double, maybe even triple, our puns praising the lord Jesus Christ.”

Music historians noted there is a long legacy of hidden messaging on albums.

“Just put on any Beatles or Rolling Stones album and you will hear some truly demonic stuff when played in reverse,” said Samantha Greenstine, Professor of Musicology at UCLA. “One day bands will figure out that it’s actually way easier to just put your message right there in the lyrics like Slayer does. Fans typically don’t want to do a lot of heavy lifting trying to figure out whether you’re a bunch a satan-worshippers. Unfortunately, bands like to get cute with their demon-based messaging.”

In related news, Blum noted that a mid-2000s emo record he listened to recently contained hidden misogynist messages when played forwards.

We Watched Mac and Me Every Day for 100 Days and Our Editor Had the Balls To Tell Us “That Wasn’t the Assignment”

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Dan Rice

We’ve all seen bad movies. Some are just plain bad and some are so bad they become good. But then there’s this third category — movies so bad that watching them is an almost transcendental experience. Mac and Me is such a movie and we took it upon ourselves to watch it 100 times in a row, yet all our boss could say was, “You incompetent fucks, you were supposed to investigate human trafficking.”

Apparently going to the bad part of New Mexico and doing “the whole VICE thing” has a lot of different meanings. To my boss it meant dangerous hands-on journalism that exposes crime and makes a difference. To me, it meant doing something hyper-asinine and then being all like, “Hey, I’m awesome.”

Were we sent to New Mexico with a sizeable dossier on suspected sex-trafficking, complete with leads? Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean we can control where the story takes us. This one took us from our motel room beds to our motel room couch where we watched the same bad movie every day for over 3 months.

If my boss doesn’t know how to monetize having someone who’s watched a movie as bad as Mac and Me 100 times in a row, maybe they shouldn’t be working in today’s media landscape to begin with. Fuck these clowns. I’m not apologizing and I’m damn sure reimbursing my expenses! Do you know how much sticky sweet mary ganja you need to smoke in order to make it through 100 viewings of Mac and Me? I don’t have that kind of money! It’s sort of why I took this gig in the first place, chief!

I did those fuckers a favor! Human trafficking is a total bummer! Who wants to click on that? Now, someone doing something really stupid because it’s really stupid… gimmie all of that ya got!

Clearly my boss has never even watched Mac and Me once because if they did they would know how stupid it is and how outrageous I am for doing this crazy shit to myself! Do they even know that we’re dealing with a blatant E.T. rip-off that essentially functions as a giant commercial for Coca Cola and McDonald’s? I highly doubt it.

Okay yeah, I guess if I did my job EXACTLY the way my micromanaging editor wanted me to do it (like I’m supposed to friggin read his mind or something) a lot of bad people would be in jail right now and maybe I could have saved some lives. But by doing things my way, I’m saving way more people from having to see the movie Mac and Me, which is dumb as shit by the way! I should know, I’ve seen it 100 times. DO NOT WATCH IT!

We watched the shit out of this thing, and we did it on drugs, like professional infotainers. You wanna know what kind of messed up shit you’ll come up with when you watch a movie as weird and bad as Mac and Me on peyote with a shaman? I became addicted to pain pills from viewings 37-49 and got sober when I found Christ between viewings 50-67. But hey, I guess that’s not “worth our audience’s time and attention” or whatever.

Look, I’m not trying to say I’m a hero. I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes. Like, this one time, I was supposed to do something that could help a bunch of people and totally bailed to watch a bad movie on drugs. But if you’re reading this and you happen to be someone who was considering watching 1988’s Mac and Me NOT fucked up on drugs, uhm, you’re welcome!

Punk Makes Uneasy Truce With Security Guy as Only Two People Left In Office Building Who Still Smoke

Posted on October 21, 2021 by James Knapp

SPOKANE, Wash. — Office punk Kory Strawser recently formed a tepid peace with the security guard at her day job when both came to the realization that they are the last two employees with ongoing nicotine addictions, sources considering going cold turkey confirmed.

“Man, I fucking hate cops. But I gotta admit, it’s a relief to know there’s always someone around in case I need to bum a Parliament on my afternoon break,” relented Strawser while checking if there were any half-smoked butts left in the ashtray. “Me and that security dude have been at odds since day one when he caught me trying to huff that aerosol duster he uses to clean his computer. So yeah, it’s kinda weird that now he’s borrowing my lighter and asking me if I have any plans this weekend. As if I’d actually tell him. He’s not even a real cop.”

Senior Security Officer Ron Powilinoski described how the truce eventually came to be.

“The world I grew up in is dead. Now it’s like you can’t smoke anywhere anymore. I drank at the same bar every night for forty years until it got bought up by those yuppies who took all the ashtrays off the pool table,” bemoaned a horribly aged Powilinoski. “Now there ain’t nobody else around except this jerkass kid.”

“Suppose it ain’t all bad though,” Powilinoski continued. “She did tell me about this one music band called ‘Dead Kennedys’ and, as someone who has killed both Nazis and hippies, I like the cut of those boys’ jib.”

Office manager DeAnna Krandal detailed the company’s smoking policy.

“We strive to provide a clean and distraction-free work environment for all our employees. If any employees still choose to smoke then they can do it on their own time behind the dumpsters of the Sheridan Hotel next door,” Krandal said. “Frankly, I’d prefer to just fire both of those smokers. I only hired Strawser because I accidentally hit her with my car and this was cheaper than settling in court — and that security guy is like a year away from retirement and you better believe I’m not gonna follow through on that pension I promised him. I swear, I never thought he’d live this long.”

At press time, Strawser came to the sudden realization that Powilinoski bears a striking resemblance to another security guy who confiscated her skateboard three years ago.

5 Romantic Ideas for Revitalizing Your Relationship With the Babadook

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

As Damon Albarn once sang, love is the greatest thing. But there comes a time in any relationship when you have to admit that things have stagnated. Stall. Dull. But fortunately, any relationship gone dry can be kicked back into beautiful wetness with just a few romantic gestures!

If your relationship with the taloned, horrific monster known as The Babadook is on the rocks, here’s a few ideas to get that spark back!

1: Try cooking together! While many couples can come to see cooking as a chore that has to be passive-aggressively pushed back and forth until someone caves and orders Papa John’s, it can actually be a beautiful bonding activity! The warmth of the kitchen, the scent of the pecorino that The Babadook freshly grates for his special spaghetti carbonara, the sensuality of dining! Electricity!

2. Take the day off and just spend time with each other without expectations! We’ve all planned an outing with a significant other and seen it collapse under the pressure of having an Instagram-ready weekend at the coast. Instead of loading yourself up with expectations, try calling into work and just enjoy time with The Babadook. Stay in bed. Watch your favorite shows. Be with each other!

3. Pick out new matching top hats! Some people think couples in coordinating outfits are tacky, but not us! There’s nothing cuter than a person and their jagged, spiky-haired manifestation of parental guilt in matching duds, so get out there and spend an afternoon picking out new top hats! Adorable!

4. Terrify a family together! Sure, it may be The Babadook’s thing, but sometimes a couple can get that precious feeling back by combining interests. Rather than spend a weekend just shopping or yard work, try finding, say, a recent divorcee who can’t connect emotionally with their withdrawn child and just scare the fuck out of them!

5. Experiment with opening things up to other monsters! Okay, common wisdom is that only couples who are very secure and strong should explore opening relationships, rather than a collapsing pair of lovers trying to find any kind of shared experience. But fuck that! Have a three-way with the thing from Malignant! Try a soft-swap with Frankenstein AND Frankenstein’s Monster! Get weird!

When you feel comfortable seeing your beloved Babadook getting railed five ways from Sunday, that’s how you know you’ve put the spark back into things!

Angels & Airwaves Drummer Survives Yet Another Argument About Adding ‘& Aliens’ to Band Name

Posted on October 21, 2021 by Matt McInerney

SAN DIEGO — Tempers flared earlier this week as drummer Ilan Rubin and frontman Tom DeLonge went for another round on an argument that has plagued the band from day one, sources close to the band report.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this again. We let Tom write a whole album about aliens this time. The fact that we got him to name it ‘Lifeforms’ and not just ‘Aliens’ is a miracle. And yet here we are, having the aliens-should-be-in-the-band-name fight again,” a frustrated Rubin explained. “Is he honestly concerned people don’t get that he’s into aliens? We used to be able to hold him at bay. But ever since the Pentagon declassified his UFO videos he’s been doing a nonstop victory lap.”

Jerry “Allen” Pike, their trusted merch guy, has seen this heated debate before.

“I can see both sides. Tom’s got a point. He has been selected as the Rosetta Stone between humans and extraterrestrial beings. That’s a lot of responsibility. It’s like… how is anyone supposed to find out if you don’t start a band about it? But on the other hand, we’d have to reprint a lot of merch if we changed the name,” he said, as he anxiously peeked over his shoulder at a mountain of boxes. “I was with them back in the Atticus days. People think that’s a ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ reference, but not at all. Tom wanted to name that ‘Aliens’ too. It’s just a compromise. He just digs names like Aliens. Wait, is that why he keeps calling me Allen?”

Old bandmate, Mark Hoppus, was not surprised by the news at all.

“Let me guess, he wants to do another Alien thing?” Hoppus said after a long sigh. “Look, this is the guy who made Joe Rogan look like the sane one on that podcast. He launched the alien company, he writes alien screenplays, he’s making an alien documentary. He’s either gonna give this band an alien name or he’s going to start a new alien band.”

At the time of press, DeLonge could be seen wandering around San Diego with a stack of ‘& Aliens’ posters and a bucket of wheat paste.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

White House Details Plan to Vaccinate Kids So They Can One Day Pay Off Parents’ Student Loans

Posted on October 20, 2021 by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — The Biden administration revealed details of their plan to vaccinate five to 11-year-olds in the coming weeks to ensure that these children will survive long enough to pay off their parents’ student loans.

“As a dad myself, nothing is more important than our nation’s children, and I want to give each and every American child the opportunity to be saddled with debt for the rest of their very long lives,” President Joseph R. Biden said, growing emotional as he addressed members of the press outside the Rose Garden. “I’m determined to create a bipartisan effort to get these shots in kids’ arms, so our little ones can start dreaming up the ways they’ll attempt to pay off these loans, and maybe even take on some escalating debt of their own someday.”

Despite the President’s calls for unity, the administration faces critics across the aisle and even within the ranks of its own party.

“The President does not intend to let anything get in the way of his plan to keep every American student from defaulting,” Press Secretary Jen Psaki said, addressing potential obstacles to the plan. “I’d invite anyone who opposes our plans to vaccinate America’s children to take a long hard look into the eyes of an international banker or Sallie Mae executive, and see the tears well up as they imagine a world in which they won’t be able to keep their beach homes in Turks and Caicos because we lost too many young lives to preventable death.”

Economists say the administration’s plans to use local pediatricians rather than mass vaccination sites could prevent the federal government from any unnecessary spending on children’s health.

“Constructing large centers to administer vaccines to children would require a lot of federal funding and oversight,” explained Harvey Somerholder, an analyst with the Congressional Budget Office. “That’s money that could be going toward corporate tax breaks, or even foreign wars. Do we really want to be dedicating money toward kids here, who already have so much, when there are helpless children we could be droning abroad? That’s not the American way.”

At press time, Psaki added that the plans for child vaccination would also help the next generation live to one day rebuild the country after the impending climate disaster.

Report: Copies of Zine Still Available

Posted on October 20, 2021 by Danny Taverner

NORFOLK — A recent report found that copies of the photo zine, Put It All On Red, are still available despite initial claims 18 months ago that the print run would sell out in a matter of minutes.

“We were originally only going to print like 50 copies but I accidentally added another zero when I sent the files to the printer,” said publisher of the zine, Dean Weems. “I tried lowering the price, offering bulk pricing, I even signed a couple copies, but it didn’t boost sales at all. We didn’t even come close to getting rid of the original 50, so this is really just a huge fuck up on my part. I really need this issue to sell because I was planning on financing the next two issues with the profits.”

The zine, which features 35mm photographs from Weems’ family vacation to Atlantic City, has had very little success selling on his web store. However, a recent zine fair where Weems rented a table has helped move some of his product.

“The only reason I bought a copy was because Dean had a stack of singles and I needed change for a $20 to catch the bus home,” said John Boosie. “I haven’t really checked it out yet. He gave me four copies for the price of one. This paper is pretty glossy so I might use a few of them as coasters in my new apartment.”

Despite the small increase in sales at the zine fair, the project has proved to be a money pit for investors.

“I told him I’d give him $100 if he cleaned out the garage, and he kept going on and on about needing money for some book he’s making,” said Weems’ mother and the zine’s key investor, Cindy Weems, who was furious to see what her money had gotten her. “Then he had the nerve to ask for $300 more and didn’t even offer me a free copy. He made me pay $10 for blurry photos of me and my husband at the craps table.”

A box of zines thought to have been sold was found in the trunk of Weems’ 2003 Volkswagen Jetta, bringing the total number of copies available to 473.

Masked Woman at Concert Relieved She Doesn’t Have to Pretend to Know The Words

Posted on October 20, 2021 by Heather Cook

NEW YORK — Masked poser Cecilia Munoz was relieved she didn’t have to pretend to know the words at a recent Turnstile show last Thursday evening.

“It’s such a relief that I don’t have to try and impress the people around me by pretending to know the words to these songs,” said Munoz as she made her way out of a circle pit. “Before wearing masks, I perfected the art of pretending to mouth along to the lyrics by just sort of opening and closing my mouth like when a fish lets out air or whatever. But now, all I have to do is sort of lightly bounce up and down to let people assume I know the words. It opens up a whole world of bands I can pretend to know the words to. I honestly don’t think I’ll go to a show without one ever again.”

“Plus, the mask doesn’t just protect me from being found out, it keeps those around me safe from guys insisting that I list a band’s early stuff,” she added.

Munoz’s girlfriend, Ember Hyland, is not easily fooled by Munoz’s masked cover up.

“Even with the mask on it’s obvious to me that she’s not actually singing along,” said Hyland. “I’m standing right next to her at the show so I can hear that she’s just mumbling nonsense under her mask. But she wears one of those super fluffy N95 masks so I guess there’s really no way of knowing for sure.”

Event organizer Trish Moreau reported an increasing number of posers infiltrating shows in recent months.

“Hardly anyone is even singing along anymore,” said Moreau. “Last night someone in a Ben Folds Five T-shirt jumped on the stage at Candy to crowd surf. You think that guy is an actual fan? No way. But we’ll never have a way of knowing if he was actually singing the words to ‘Human Target’ since his mask was on. It’s a huge win for the posers but makes for an eerily quiet concert.”

At press time, reporters urged Munoz to stop mumbling when they asked her whether she was singing along to the songs or not, but she just kept pretending to answer the question.

You Kids Wanna See a Better Dead Body?

Posted on October 20, 2021 by James Knapp

Hey there, little fellas. Remember me? Creaky Jed who lives in a stump by the abandoned post office? I’ve been watching you and I know you’ve been poking at that dead body on the top of the water tower. And yeah, I guess that corpse is cool and all. If you’re into mediocre corpses, I guess. I just wanted to let you know that I know about an even better, more obscure corpse that you’ve probably never even heard of.

You really gotta see this thing. If it ever was human at one point you sure wouldn’t be able to tell that now. The first time I saw it I thought it was an old duffel bag filled with ravioli and mop heads. And that was before the raccoons got at it. Oh boy, did they do a number on what used to be that guy’s face.

Oh, and the blood is just everywhere. I’m talking all over the walls. On the ceiling. Hell, I have some in my shoe right now. It’s insane! Regular dead bodies don’t have nearly this much blood. It’s like somebody shived the Kool-Aid man and then jumped up and down on him. What happens when you poke this dead guy? Nothing. Well, poking the dead guy I know about is like a gory chicken kiev.

And this body definitely died an unimaginably brutal death. I’m not sure what kind of Texas chainsaw mafia would want someone to die like that but it’s pretty clear that this corpse suffered for a long time. And here’s the best part: I’m not even sure it’s all the way dead!

I mean, it’s definitely not alive in any conventional sense. But when you look at it sometimes you get this weird feeling it’s looking back at you. Not with eyes. No, those are long gone.

So what do you say, kids? Wanna go check out the Mona Lisa of corpses? It’s just over in that abandoned garage that always has a bunch of stray dogs nosing around it. By the way, none of your parents are cops, right?

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