Social Distortion Encore Consists Entirely of Mike Ness Revving Engine of Cherry 1946 Plymouth Deluxe

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

VENTURA, Calif. — Social Distortion fans were treated to an extra special encore from frontman Mike Ness who used the extra 15 minutes of stage time revving the engine of a restored muscle car, excited sources confirmed.

“That was so fucking sick. When the band was playing through their set I was starting to worry that nobody was going to show us what was under the hood of the car parked off to the side of the stage,” said longtime fan Woody Lemire. “But yeah, sure enough, the crowd started chanting ‘Social D’ after their final song, and all of a sudden the car’s headlights turned on and Mike turned the engine over and let it fucking rip. Easily one of the best encores I’ve ever seen.”

Ness admitted he was surprised by the positive reaction to the unique encore of the first few stops of the band’s current tour.

“I knew our fans loved classic cars, but I didn’t realize they loved them this much. We could have probably played six songs and then spent the next 45 minutes doing burnouts in the parking lot and people would have lost their shit, but gas is so expensive we figured it’s best just to let the fans hear some horsepower,” said Ness after changing the oil in the band’s tour bus. “Next tour we’re going to offer some VIP packages where fans get to sit in the back seat while I rev the engine, maybe even have a couple people hold a flashlight for me while I change some spark plugs.”

Venues hosting Social Distortion are making special accommodations in order to get the mint condition 1946 Plymouth Deluxe on stage for use during the encore.

“Last time Social Distortion played the Bay Area, they had an entire 1950s diner with a fully operational soda fountain on stage, so we knew that we had to be prepared,” said UC Theatre talent buyer Dillon Hammond. “Thankfully their stage dressing is rather tame on this tour in comparison. All we had to do was build a ramp to the stage and then their road crew will throw up a few posters of pinup girls, some vintage tool cabinets, and install one of those rigs to pull an engine in order to make it look like the car will be in an authentic garage.”

The band’s management reminded all potential showgoers that they will need to sign a waiver before entering the show that allows Ness to punch them in the face if they are a Trump supporter.

Catch Social Distortion’s next encore Thursday October 7th at The UC Theatre in Berkeley, CA. Tickets available HERE

How I Got Over My Impostor Syndrome to Steal Valor With Confidence

Posted on by Eli Johnson

Have you ever felt like a fraud? You’re not alone. An estimated 70 percent of people struggle with impostor syndrome, the belief that one’s abilities and accomplishments are inflated or unearned. They live in constant fear that, sooner or later, their friends or colleagues will discover their inadequacies. Well, I’m here to tell you that you too can conquer these doubts. Here’s how I stopped worrying about impostor syndrome and started stealing valor with confidence.

Don’t let a few slip-ups sink your confidence

One of the first times I put on some Marine dress blues to run some errands at Wal-Mart, a fellow vet noticed I had on an Air Force insignia. This busybody started asking for my MOS and what unit I served in, and I totally froze up! To make matters worse, he filmed our encounter and uploaded it to YouTube, which quickly went viral. Not everyone will be an ally in your journey toward self-acceptance, a hard lesson I learned early on.

Recognize and accept your limitations

When I started out stealing valor, I styled myself as a Navy Seal and sported the Congressional Medal of Honor. I quickly realized that I was probably overextending myself.

Eventually, I settled for a Marine gunnery sergeant with a Purple Heart and Bronze Star picked up in Fallujah. Thing really clicked for me when I accepted the fact that just because I never served in the military, doesn’t mean I’m not a brave person. Arguably, the derision I risk by impersonating a member of our armed forces takes just as much courage as any soldier serving on a forward operating base.

I always wanted to join the military, I just have a problem with authority. Although I’d excel in combat, I just can’t deal with some dude barking orders at me 24/7. I’m more of a lone wolf, so I’d probably have become a sniper. I always gravitated toward the SRS99 in Halo.

Don’t forget to give back

You have so much to offer those around you, and you can’t let some meanie with a camera phone take that away. I don’t steal valor for myself. (I prefer the term borrowed valor, by the way. There’s enough valor to go around, don’t you think?) I steal it for the common man.

Have you ever looked directly into the eyes of a complete stranger who has approached you, asked to shake your hand, and thanked you for your service to our nation? Let me tell you, there is simply no better feeling. They feel good; I feel good. It’s a victimless crime.

Take these easy steps to feel more comfortable in your job or personal life, and I promise, good things will come to you. Just the other week, I was boarding a flight and Jake Tapper gave up his first class seat to me. I had no idea the guy was such a tag chaser!

Punk House Cat Absolutely Pissed Shows Are Back

Posted on by Natalie Vinh

BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local punk house cat The Little Guy is reportedly furious at the return of house shows to the area and the loud, drunken visitors that come with them.

“It’s the principle of the thing,” The Little Guy said. “There’s no consideration for others. Fuck vaccines, fuck masks, fuck ‘bringing back live music.’ Our nation as a whole should be reverting back to social distancing outside of my basement, and definitely very far away from the bathmat I sleep on when I just need some alone time. These people aren’t even supposed to be using the upstairs bathroom. Animals.”

In response to the ongoing performances held by the owners of the home and band Naked and Ungrateful, The Little Guy has taken to pissing on pedals, chewing up wires, and showing his asshole to visiting patrons.

“He’s just so cute,” showgoer Beth Trotter stated. “He makes the whole experience undoubtedly better. I gave him a couple of scratches behind the ear. He bit the shit out of my wrist in response and I was like, ‘Rock on, dude.’ That’s how cats show you they love you. Based on the claw marks up and down both of my arms, this cat is fucking obsessed with me.”

Dr. George Williams, a local veterinarian and self-proclaimed cat expert, offered a few comments on The Little Guy’s situation.

“Loud noises and crowds are generally not ideal for the health of a house cat,” Williams explained. “Cats need ample sleep, which can be difficult to obtain when every soft surface in the home is either damp with mold or serving as a place for drunk patrons to make out. This feline’s best bet is to slip out the door when someone enters the home, which shouldn’t be hard, and just go take his chances with that colony near the 7-Eleven where it won’t have to worry so much about fleas.”

At press time, The Little Guy warned potential show attendees a promise of “death to all that cross this threshold,” and added that “whatever Hell exists out there, I hope they burn in it.”

Punk House Cat Absolutely Pissed Shows Are Back

Posted on by Natalie Vinh

BELLINGHAM, Wash. — Local punk house cat The Little Guy is reportedly furious at the return of house shows to the area and the loud, drunken visitors that come with them.

“It’s the principle of the thing,” The Little Guy said. “There’s no consideration for others. Fuck vaccines, fuck masks, fuck ‘bringing back live music.’ Our nation as a whole should be reverting back to social distancing outside of my basement, and definitely very far away from the bathmat I sleep on when I just need some alone time. These people aren’t even supposed to be using the upstairs bathroom. Animals.”

In response to the ongoing performances held by the owners of the home and band Naked and Ungrateful, The Little Guy has taken to pissing on pedals, chewing up wires, and showing his asshole to visiting patrons.

“He’s just so cute,” showgoer Beth Trotter stated. “He makes the whole experience undoubtedly better. I gave him a couple of scratches behind the ear. He bit the shit out of my wrist in response and I was like, ‘Rock on, dude.’ That’s how cats show you they love you. Based on the claw marks up and down both of my arms, this cat is fucking obsessed with me.”

Dr. George Williams, a local veterinarian and self-proclaimed cat expert, offered a few comments on The Little Guy’s situation.

“Loud noises and crowds are generally not ideal for the health of a house cat,” Williams explained. “Cats need ample sleep, which can be difficult to obtain when every soft surface in the home is either damp with mold or serving as a place for drunk patrons to make out. This feline’s best bet is to slip out the door when someone enters the home, which shouldn’t be hard, and just go take his chances with that colony near the 7-Eleven where it won’t have to worry so much about fleas.”

At press time, The Little Guy warned potential show attendees a promise of “death to all that cross this threshold,” and added that “whatever Hell exists out there, I hope they burn in it.”

Heartwarming: When This Goth Kid Was Getting Picked On, Anne Rice Came to His School To Remind His Bullies That Vampire Lore Is Steeped in Eroticism

Posted on by Dan Rice

Any celebrity can tweet against bullying in our school, but it takes a real class act to actually stand up and do something about it.

Eighth grader and self-described “goth kid” Xavier Byrne was having a hard time fitting in at his new school. It wasn’t long before his outsider status made him the target of bullies, an all too common occurrence. When famed horror writer Anne Rice heard about Xavier’s troubles, she didn’t take to social media, she took to action. She marched right to Xavier’s middle school in person to tell everyone giving him a hard time that vampires are very, very sexy.

Yaaaas Queen of the damned! If only more people took a cue from Anne and reminded bullies that the trope of a vampire’s hypnotic gaze is allegory for seduction and extramarital temptation, and therefore actually pretty cool.

All bullies are cowards deep down, and nothing says “your locker shoving days are over, Jack” better than Anne Rice walking right up to you and saying “When we trace the myth down to its origins, what the vampyre ultimately represents is sexuality, it’s power, and our fear of it. The bite of the ‘unholy’ and the exchange of bodily fluid it precipitates are meant to evoke sexual activity in our subconscious, specifically sexual acts not accepted by traditional christian-based social structures.”

You can bet no one is making fun of Xavier’s eye shadow now that Anne Rice has gone out of her way to clarify to all of his classmates that the darkened eyes and fair skin of the traditional vampire was meant to embody the sexual ideals of Edwardian aristocrats!

As it turns out, Xavier was never a fan of Anne Rice and feels that vampires are “pretty lame now,” but you can bet your bottom fang he appreciated the backup! When asked if Rice’s efforts made an impact, the young goth confirmed, “Nobody is paying any attention to me now. Everyone is too busy talking about the horny vampire woman.”

After paying Xavier’s school a visit, Rice did get on twitter, but only to announce that this is just the beginning of her crusade against intolerance:

“To every young person out there who thinks it’s okay to pick on someone because they’re different, I want you to know this: While Louis and Lestat were incapable of actually performing intercourse, the homoerotic fabric of their relationship was meant to imply a physical attraction to one another.”

Manspreading Anti-Vaxxer Taking Up Two ICU Beds

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BOISE, Idaho — A man suffering from COVID-19 after refusing a vaccination drew ire from other patients by spreading his legs across two ICU beds, hospital staff confirmed.

“They’ve got me hooked up to all these fancy machines, how the hell am I supposed to stay comfortably confined to one bed? I need to spread out, let my body relax. This is the same body that beat syphilis twice; I think I can handle a flu,” said Darren McAvoy as he struggled to breathe. “First I have to close my legs for some pregnant lady or old person on the bus, now my nuts have to be touching my thigh while I’m on a ventilator? These assholes just get off on restricting my freedoms.”

Hospital staff pleaded with McAvoy to make room for additional patients to no avail.

“I admitted Mr. McAvoy two days ago amidst a flood of other people suffering from late stage COVID, and the second I turned my back he hooked his leg into another bed and refused to relinquish it. I tried to tell him that we have patients lying in the hallway, but he wouldn’t budge,” said Dr. Martin Sinclair. “I’ve met plenty of patients with no shame or decency, but for all his rantings about preferring ‘dangerous freedoms to tyrannical peace,’ he sure is adamant about having as many pillows as possible.”

McAvoy’s insurance provider was alarmed, but not surprised, after the hospital’s billing staff sent in his claim.

“While Mr. McAvoy met his deductible within the first three weeks of the year, his policy does not cover literally anything he is doing. Not only did his refusal to be vaccinated disqualify him from any coverage for his stay, but by taking up two beds he actually owes us enough money to buy a small island,“ said Allina Health representative Susan Smith. “As much as we’d love to charge him for occupying multiple beds, the hospital’s regulations state that he can either close his legs or move behind a dumpster in the parking lot.”

At press time, McAvoy’s family was informed that he had passed away, and that his last will and testament insisted that women who walk by his grave smile once in a while.

I Didn’t Come Here To Make Friends, I Came Here To Stand in the Corner and Hope I Don’t Say Anything Too Weird

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Whoa there, buddy. I didn’t come to this party to cultivate new friendships or trick people into connecting with me on LinkedIn. I came here to lay low and hope that I don’t say something about how alligators have permanently erect penises.

My gameplan for the entire evening is to stand right here in my corner while making direct eye contact with the host’s dog in order to entice it to come over to me, so I can kill time rubbing my hands all over his face before ultimately getting back to my safe space corner. It’s a numbers game, and that number is how many more minutes do I have to be here until I can leave.

I mean, would it be nice to make friends here? Sure. But would it be even better to discreetly leave this party without saying goodbye to anyone to avoid accidentally saying something totally weird, like how I think the British version of “The Office” is superior to the American one but not as good as the Australian version that pretty much no one’s ever heard of except for me? Absolutely.

Also, I already came here with a friend, so I’m not exactly in the market for any new ones. Believe me, if I had room for any more companions I’d be mingling like there’s no tomorrow. But alas, I’m afraid my friendship quota is currently full. By the way, has anyone seen the guy I came with? Kevin? Haven’t seen him since we got here.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m having a ton of fun. I was just eavesdropping on a conversation about movies that I just so happen to personally enjoy. Good thing I didn’t chime in, though. I really dodged a bullet there.

Believe me, limiting myself to one corner is for the greater good of the party. Actually, I think people are on to me, so I’ll be relocating to the corner in the kitchen next.

Only Band You Want to See on Tour Not on the Two Canadian Stops For Some Reason

Posted on by Steve Yuen

BLAINE, Wash. — Local band with at least one felony, Green Stream, will not be playing their scheduled Vancouver and Calgary shows of a current tour for reasons unconfirmed but not terribly hard to figure out, according to sources.

“The band arrived at the land border. We investigated the identity of one member, Mr. Tessel, and we have decided to hold everyone who was in the van,” CBSA Officer Morgan Page explained. “I am not at liberty to discuss the nature of these charges, but most of these fellas sure do seem to have the smell of alcohol on their breath, which would track with at least a few of the charges dating back to 2014 that I’m seeing here.”

The band was collectively frustrated at Canada’s border policy, and not bassist Nicolas Tessel, who blew a 3.2 BAC six months prior in their hometown of San Pedro.

“Look man, Nicky has been going through some shit. He got kicked out of his girlfriend’s grandma’s house and can’t see his girl or their kid now,” singer Jeffery Hamm stated. “He’s not a saint by any means, but who among us hasn’t had two felony DUIs, a bench warrant, and a pending domestic abuse charge? I don’t think it would make us any better people to judge him for his mistakes, but apparently the entire country of Canada does, which is kind of the opposite of what you hear about Canadians.”

Tour mates Bad Waxx will be continuing the tour through Canada before returning to the U.S. to play in Montana where they hope to reunite with Green Stream.

“Man, Nicky is nice and all, aside from being just objectively a huge piece of shit. But honestly, I’m not sure why the band keeps him around. Even if he wasn’t banned from entering a neighboring country for life, most punk houses and a few Best Western franchise locations won’t let those guys stay a night because of that guy,” said Bad Waxx singer Mitch Gonzalez. “Shit, I don’t think they even plugged in his amp during the last show, that cab is basically just a place where the rest of the band puts their drinks.”

At press time, the band’s merch girl was the only person in the group permitted into the country, just moments before losing her ID, cell phone, and van keys.

National Coffee Day Wasted on Starbucks

Posted on by Dianne Nora

NEW YORK — Marketing associate and long-time New Yorker Carly Tseng reportedly wasted National Coffee Day by purchasing coffee at Starbucks.

“This time of year, even if it’s not that hot yet, I just want pumpkin spice everything,” said Tseng, wearing Ugg boots and a large, floppy hat. “When I drink coffee, I want it to have so much artificial sweeteners that the flavor of the over-roasted beans is barely identifiable, and I can count on that at any of the twenty-five Starbucks within a few blocks of my office.”

William Schultz, a barista at Blend, an independent coffee shop in Manhattan, said sales had been slow despite the holiday.

“All these weird consumerist holidays are essentially bullshit, but I think the owners were still hoping it’d help drive some business up,” Schultz said. “Our coffee is actually cheaper and better than Starbucks, in my opinion, but everyone I see walking by has those damn green cups. Like, I get if you’re gonna cheap out and buy Dunkin’ or a cup of bodega coffee, but Starbucks doesn’t even taste good. We all know people are just there to pee and use the outlets.”

Barbara Raztkovich, a researcher on consumer trends, confirmed most Americans list Starbucks as their favorite coffee company.

“Across demographics, Americans repeatedly list Starbucks as their favorite coffee retailer,” Raztkovich said. “While the trend may frustrate local business owners and coffee aficionados, it’s consistent with Americans’ behavioral patterns, opting for the option that is least practical, beneficial, and nutritious for us. The only thing I could see that might increase sales further for the brand overall would be a price hike or an e coli outbreak, to really solidify the support of those with a deathwish.”

At press time, Tomasetti was reportedly taking photos of her coffee cup for Instagram, saying she was hoping to go viral as a tastemaker.

Report: That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Posted on by Josh Klasco

DENVER — Local man Liam Cooper announced that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich his girlfriend charitably made for him was “worse than eating dog shit” because it wasn’t “how mom makes it,” compassionately embarrassed sources report.

“I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!” screamed the 32-year-old Cooper while stomping around in his adult footie pajamas. “This is the gross kind of peanut butter that you have to mix together. Just get Skippy like a normal fucking person. And jelly is not supposed to have the seeds in there. I could freaking choke! Reba is always trying to trick me into ‘eating better,’ but I don’t want to! She didn’t even cut it diagonally. Reba’s stupid and I don’t like her anymore!”

Cooper’s girlfriend, Reba Harmon, had an epiphany while recounting her side of the affair.

“I really don’t know what to do at this point. No matter how hard I try, he just critiques everything,” lamented Harmon while fetching a can of ginger ale to settle Cooper’s stomach. “The way I fold his laundry, how I put him to bed; and last week I overheard him telling his mom that I ‘kiss weird.’ When we first started dating I thought the love he had for his mother was endearing. But the longer I’m with him the more I feel like it’s a bit psychotic. Last time we visited his parents’ house, his mother gave him a bath. Now that I say it out loud I realize I need to get out of this relationship.”

Dr. Rachel Lehcar is an expert in the field of auto-alimentation and leads a research project investigating the connections between overbearing mothers and man-children.

“You would think it’s pretty straightforward,” said an exhausted Dr. Lehcar. “But it’s actually hard to find out whether man-children with overbearing mothers can actually feed their damn selves. I lead a team of some of the world’s brightest PhD students. We’ve spent decades and millions of dollars trying to find an answer. At this point, my research makes me think they might not be physically able to do anything beyond making themselves a partially defrosted frozen pizza, but they always put that piece of cardboard in the oven as well and almost burn the lab down.”

Cooper’s mother was not available for comment because she was too busy scheduling her adult son’s latest dental visit and applying to jobs for him.