If That’s What It Takes To Get a Weekly Gig Playing Guitar, Then Yes, I Am Very Christian

Posted on by John Danek

“The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.” I have no idea what that statement means, but that’s what the vocalist of my previous band said as the cops cuffed him and booked him for selling counterfeit pacemakers. But his last words and the following 2 years of gig-less life made me realize something.

The Lord needs to giveth me a new gig playing guitar somewhere, anywhere. Pronto. I truly have no other employable skills.

So anyways, that’s why I think you need me in your worship band. Because not only do I shred, I’m also totally like, really Christian. So Christian it will make your head spin. Wait, are you guys Catholic? Is that different? Regardless, I’m whatever you are. Amen.

I’ve watched a lot of Joel Osteen while stoned, so I know that if you pray every day, you get to keep a fabulous mop of hair well into your 50’s. God is good all the time. Except before 11am, I never wake up before then. Will that be a problem?

I definitely went to Sunday school. I even vaguely remember being confirmed, whatever that means. I haven’t actually been to church physically since then, but that’s just because I believe God is everywhere! Right? That’s a thing?

I was also wondering if this church is the pro-Trump Christian or the anti-Trump Christian kind. I don’t care either way, I just don’t want to commit a faux pas on my first day. I’m flexible!

I’ve also been brainstorming some new band names for when I join. Here are just a few I came up with: The Book of Shred, The Gospel According to Rock, and Nü Testament. Mull them over and let me know which you like the best so my buddy who does screenprinting can get started on merch.

I just bought a new reverb pedal with a shimmer effect that sounds like God welcoming you into heaven to sip Mai Tais with Prince and Bea Arthur. But I also have a sick fuzz pedal that sounds like Old Testament God telling you to gut your kid on a rock for no reason. I’m a very versatile musician ready to spread the good news of Steve Vai. Oh, and the Lord.

Lastly, I’m going to need to take a vacation day for Yom Kippur. Hope that’s chill.

Tori Amos And Piano Bench Enter Into Domestic Partnership

Posted on by Caroline Smith

CORNWALL, UK — Singer and pianist Tori Amos officially entered into a domestic partnership with her longtime piano bench in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family performed in the English countryside.

“I am happy if my daughter is happy, no matter what her ‘lifestyle’ may be,” Amos’s father Dr. Edison Amos quipped. “Quite frankly, I’m not that surprised to see those two finally make it kind of official. Myra Ellen had ‘special friendships’ with a few piano stools when she was younger, but nothing like this. Her mother and I just felt it was a matter of time before she felt comfortable talking about her predilection towards inanimate objects that provide a place to sit and store sheet music.”

Some fans were initially shocked when Amos announced the union, but soon agreed that Amos should be free to love who or what she pleases.

“Tori is a fiery goddess from the bowels of Pele. I literally worship the ground she walks on,” exclaimed superfan Fiona Schaeffer. “I was confused at first by Tori’s objectophilia, especially since she has such a hot husband. But then I thought, even though I am not personally attracted to piano benches, who am I to judge love between two consenting adults? Wait, can the bench consent?”

Not everyone, however, is supportive of Amos’s and the bench’s union.

“Well I think the whole thing is bullshit!” said a small keyboard Amos sometimes practices on. “Persephone just lays there and doesn’t even do anything. I don’t get what the appeal is at all. Between you and me, Tori led me on for years but ended up putting me in the friend zone. She rubs her hands all over me all day, bangs me even, gets me all worked up but claims it’s ‘just part of the job’ and that our relationship is strictly professional.”

When asked why she finally decided to tie the knot, Amos remarked that the bench was “threatening to leave” if she didn’t.

Tori Amos And Piano Bench Enter Into Domestic Partnership

Posted on by Caroline Smith

CORNWALL, UK — Singer and pianist Tori Amos officially entered into a domestic partnership with her longtime piano bench in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family performed in the English countryside.

“I am happy if my daughter is happy, no matter what her ‘lifestyle’ may be,” Amos’s father Dr. Edison Amos quipped. “Quite frankly, I’m not that surprised to see those two finally make it kind of official. Myra Ellen had ‘special friendships’ with a few piano stools when she was younger, but nothing like this. Her mother and I just felt it was a matter of time before she felt comfortable talking about her predilection towards inanimate objects that provide a place to sit and store sheet music.”

Some fans were initially shocked when Amos announced the union, but soon agreed that Amos should be free to love who or what she pleases.

“Tori is a fiery goddess from the bowels of Pele. I literally worship the ground she walks on,” exclaimed superfan Fiona Schaeffer. “I was confused at first by Tori’s objectophilia, especially since she has such a hot husband. But then I thought, even though I am not personally attracted to piano benches, who am I to judge love between two consenting adults? Wait, can the bench consent?”

Not everyone, however, is supportive of Amos’s and the bench’s union.

“Well I think the whole thing is bullshit!” said a small keyboard Amos sometimes practices on. “Persephone just lays there and doesn’t even do anything. I don’t get what the appeal is at all. Between you and me, Tori led me on for years but ended up putting me in the friend zone. She rubs her hands all over me all day, bangs me even, gets me all worked up but claims it’s ‘just part of the job’ and that our relationship is strictly professional.”

When asked why she finally decided to tie the knot, Amos remarked that the bench was “threatening to leave” if she didn’t.

Man’s Unmitigated Hatred of Astrology More of a Red Flag Than His Actual Astrological Sign

Posted on by Bobby Korec

WILKES-BARRE, Pa. — Local woman Alicia Beacon discovered a major red flag during her first date with Tony Delough in his overwhelmingly vocal distaste for astrology, more so than his relatively incompatible astrological sign itself, disappointed sources confirmed.

“I clocked the warning sign long before the jalapeño poppers even arrived,” said Beacon while preemptively blocking him from all of her social media accounts. “I made one joking comment about Virgo season, and before I know it he’s on the most boring tirade about how astrology is bullshit because he did a bunch of research supposedly debunking it on YouTube. If you’re going to hate astrology so much, at least be a Gemini when it makes sense to! They should really make a 13th astrological sign just for these types of dudes who illogically resent shit for personality points. Just let it go.”

Her date for the evening shared his thoughts on the social engagement.

“It’s like I always say: if you don’t like something, make it the first thing you say to people when you meet them,” said Delough before adding five inches to his height on his Tinder bio. “Honestly, I thought the whole thing went pretty well. She got to know my disinterests, bands I despise, and TV shows I absolutely can’t stand. The perfect date, really. I just can’t wait for the second date that’s totally going to happen, so I can share my thoughts on how comic book movies aren’t real movies because they do not meet my arbitrary standards for what constitutes a legitimate film.”

Experts weighed in on the phenomenon of animosity toward popular trends.

“A benign topic that many people have a genuine interest in can irrationally frustrate those who simply don’t want to make an effort to understand,” said counselor Gwendolyn Mather. “We live in an age where you can no longer say, ‘I understand why someone would find this appealing, but it isn’t for me, so I will focus on something else that I enjoy instead.’ You have to be 100% for or against every kind of thing in order for anyone to notice you. Otherwise you’ll come across as neutral. Let’s be honest, being indifferent is not going to get you any followers on Twitter.”

At press time, Beacon discovered another red flag when Delough coincidentally forgot his Venmo login credentials, which was more of a warning than him forgetting his actual wallet.

British Rapper Struggles to Find New Word That Rhymes with “Innit”

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

LONDON — UK-based rapper Ay Dele is struggling to write lyrics for his eagerly-awaited third album after his first and second albums, “Innit: Da’ Beginninit” and “Innit 2: We’z Doin’ Innit Again” have left him without any words to rhyme with his oft-used popular phrase “innit.”

“My rap career’s headed for da’ bin, mate, if I can’ fink of a new word to rhyme wif innit. S’what I want, s’what me fans want, no doubt,” said Dele from his home studio. “Maybe I’z put too many cream eggs in da’ innit basket, but me bank account ain’ had no problem wif it til now, bruv. I fink I jus’ gotta’ expand me horizons, ya? Wa’ if da language from dem elves in Lord of Da Rings got sum words rhyme with innit? Proper crossover appeal!”

Other MC’s in the UK are less concerned that Ay Dele is having issues after two albums of overloading songs with the common British slang term.

“He’s ran dat’ word inna’ da fuckin’ ground, mate! How you gon’ base ya whole career on one word dat everyone already be usin?’” said fellow London rapper and global star Stormzy. “Nex’ fing you know he’s gonna put a copyright on ‘bruv’ or ‘mate’ or ‘cuppa.’ Dele playin’ da rap game like it’s a fossil fuel or sumfin’.”

According to professor of Rap Studies and Linguistics at Cambridge, Nigel Wycome, Stormzy is not wrong in his metaphor.

“Slang terms like innit, dun kno, wagwan, they are all at risk of being overused to the point of excess if British rappers don’t start making up more catchy slang terms more often,” said Wycome. “If we don’t turn the corner on slang phrases soon, Ay Dele won’t be the only rapper who cannot find any more words to rhyme.”

At press time, Ay Dele was meeting with data scientists to develop an app called Rhymin’Bruv that can aggregate every combination of words in the English language and match them to a specific slang term.

Opinion: As a Progressive I Am Outraged by Texas, but as a Cowboys Fan, I Think This Is Our Year

Posted on by Dan Rice

What’s happening in Texas right now is deplorable and horrifying. The far-right extremism that has wormed its way to the top of the state is nothing less than an American version of the Taliban, and every sane American should be doing everything they can to reverse the Lone Star state’s recent laws on abortion, gun control, and voter restriction. That being said, I am a Cowboys fan, and I have to admit I’m pretty excited about this season.

Look, can’t a man put politics aside for a second and be excited? Look at how stacked our offense is! Our running back, QB, and receiving core is tops in the league and our coach has been to the goddamn promised land and won a goddamn Super Bowl! None of that changes the fact that a state government overturning Roe vs Wade is unconstitutional and immoral, but HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS?! YEE HAAWWW!

Does the fact that Texans are happy that any idiot in their state can open carry a gun without a permit now churn my stomach? Of course it does. But I can’t overlook the fact that the excitement that sort of recklessness generates is going to show up in the stands.

I’m not saying I support the Texans who are excited about these laws in any way. But imagine for a second you were one of these people. You have a fucking gun, right out in the open. You’re at a Cowboy’s game in killer seats, thanks to the $10,000 bounty you received from ratting out your niece for getting an abortion. You’re on top of the world! And you’re exactly the kind of fan I want to stand next to while cheering our boys on to victory. I hate why you’re so excited, but I’m loving the result!

Look, obviously this sort of far-right nonsense cannot stand and I feel as compelled as the next lefty to do something about it. I’m just saying it can wait till the off-season. For now let’s just kick back, crack open a cold one, and watch a state drunk with power rally America’s greatest football team all the way to the big W. Trust me, if I know my fellow Cowboys fans, a post-Super Bowl win celebration is all Texas will need to realize what a mistake they made with that open-carry law.

COWBOYS!

Punk Sommelier Recommends Pairing Whippits with Unhealthy Outlook on Relationships

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

SIMI VALLEY, Calif. -— Punk sommelier and founder of Rotten Grape Vineyards, Terry “Tooth” Berkley recently shouted that the only good pairing is whippits and an unhealthy outlook on romantic relationships, sources who don’t remember asking confirmed.

“I’m just fucking tired of hearing my normie contemporaries suggest boring shit like Cabernet Sauvignon and aged cheddar. Like, yeah I guess that tastes good and gets you a little buzzed, but it can’t get you high for a total of two seconds like whippits can, or ruin someone else’s life in a way that can mask your pain like dating with zero self awareness,” stated Berkley from a severely damaged bean bag chair. “The important thing to remember is that there is a proper way to pair these treasures. The whippits have to be consumed frequently over the span of multiple years, and the relationships have to be short and consecutive.”

Former ska punk and actual sommelier Leah Harrison had this to add to the topic.

“That’s not what a sommelier does, that’s what an asshole does. Like okay, I guess I can understand the whippits part because I’m not one to judge someone’s drug use as long as they are being safe, but like, how is that a comparable substance to wine?” said Harrison. “Also is Tooth trying to say that being a manipulator is comparable to cheese? How are those the same? One is literally a concept, and the other is old milk.”

Berkley’s ex-girlfriend Amanda Garrett took less issue with the details of what constituted a sommelier, and more issue with his general morals.

“Yeah, Tooth tends to do this. He’ll just find a new thing to pretend to be an expert on so that he can use it to justify being a shitty person. I honestly don’t think that asshole has ever had wine that wasn’t made in a jar or a tub,” she explained. “Also, I heard that creep is apparently giving tours of his vineyard? It’s literally just a room full of empty cartridges. I don’t know if it counts as a tour if it’s only one person at a time and you’re trying to sleep with them, but that’s just my two cents.”

Rotten Grape Vineyards will start hosting group tours starting next month; appointments can be made via Feeld.

“The Suicide Squad” Was a Lot of Fun. Here’s Seven Things I Hated About It

Posted on by Cory Cousins

Last weekend, I paid a visit to my local cinema complex to see James Gunn’s comic book-inspired adventure romp, “The Suicide Squad.” And I must say, I had the most fun I’ve had in a long time at a movie! It conjured giddy childlike excitement, the likes of which I haven’t experienced since McDonald’s brought the McRib back.

Unfortunately, my hardened shell of cynicism does not allow for such emotions as joy and sincerity. So if you’re like me and are suspicious of glee, then buckle up and join me in highlighting all of the hateable parts of this enjoyable film!

The previews were way too long. Hey James Gunn, I didn’t pay my hard-earned money to watch five hours of movie trailers. Get your shit together and make with the storytelling!

Last I checked, sharks can’t talk. I can’t believe I have to point this out, but here we are. Suspension of disbelief, you say? How about suspension of the laws of nature. I went scuba diving once. I saw a shark. I didn’t sit down and have a conversation with it.

Savant saves Weasel from drowning in the ocean, but doesn’t even attempt CPR. Way to go the extra mile, Savant. Jesus. Remind me not to call you next time a rodent is in the lurch.

Pete Davidson. Stick with the yuck-yuck, comedy boy!

John Cena’s arms distract me from the dialogue. Cena’s muscle hunk physique made me feel terrible about my own body. James Gunn should have had the decency to CGI those tree trunk arms out of the final cut.

The popcorn guy at the theater was kind of mean to me. Not mean, per se. He didn’t actually say anything outwardly rude or make a face or anything. But I definitely got a vibe from him. Thanks a lot, James Gunn!

Does Ratcatcher 2 catch rats, or just conjure them out of thin air? The reason I ask is because no city has that many rats. If they did, I think they’d have more of a rat problem than a giant starfish problem. Yuck!

All in all, I had a blast at this movie, and that’s the main reason why I will not be seeing it again. Unless of course it is to point out more giant plot holes for my YouTube channel, in which case I would look forward to that immensely.

Trump to Honor the Brave Men and Women Who Fought During the Upcoming Holyfield/Belfort 9/11 Fight

Posted on by Bobby Korec

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. — Former president and disgraced for-profit university owner Donald Trump revealed that he will commemorate the brave men and women who fought during the 9/11 boxing match between Evander Holyfield and Vitor Belfort at the prestigious Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, MAGA fans who can’t wait to memorialize confirmed.

“It’s going to be a tremendous event where me and my favorite son Don Jr. will honor the first responders who will undoubtedly take care of whomever gets knocked out first. Probably Holyfield. He’s almost 60, right?” said Trump before letting an incoming call from Ted Cruz go to voicemail. “We’re also planning to celebrate the courageous men and women who selflessly stepped in to work out long enough to get into boxing shape, like Evander and that other guy. Not only that, but I plan to say a few words about the exact events that unfolded 20 years ago. You know, like how after the Twin Towers fell, Trump Tower became the tallest building in downtown Manhattan by default. Overall, it was a great day for me, personally.”

Fans of boxing and Republican administrations are pumped up for the otherwise tragic day.

“This combines everything I love: 9/11, the 45th president, and men fist-fighting for my entertainment,” said conservative blogger Jake Thornwell. “Also, the Pay-Per-View fight is only $49.99, which just so happens to be the exact amount of money I always set aside annually for my 9/11 memorial budget. Last year I bought 50 bucks worth of Budweiser beers because they had American flags on each can. It’s like I always say. The best way to never forget is to get blackout drunk!”

Experts weighed in on the bizarre move from the ex-president.

“Everyone has their own unique coping mechanisms when dealing with tragedies,” said psychologist Gwendolyn Armstrength. “For instance, some people are attending a 9/11 memorial service in New York City; George W. Bush will paint a few pieces of weird art commemorating the day; and Trump is going to talk shit live on air about how the 2020 election was rigged. We just have to understand we’re all coming from different places.”

At press time, Trump announced that he will also provide commentary on an upcoming WWE wrestling match to commemorate the men and women who fought to defend our country by attacking our country on January 6, 2021.

6 Members of My Family That Have Gone Missing but I Guess Don’t Merit a Podcast

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

True crime has been one of the biggest forces in pop culture for years now and shows no sign of slowing. People are fascinated by the unsolved and inexplicable murders, disappearances, and scams of the world, but not so much by the six members of my family who have gone missing and don’t seem to merit a podcast. And they are:

#1: My Cousin Alan: My cousin Alan was a good guy. A nice guy. Not the kind of guy you think would just disappear off the face of the Earth after going for a hike by himself in late summer ‘89. That said, I have to admit that it does seem pretty cut and dry that he probably wandered off a path and died of dehydration, or got eaten by coyotes or something. I can’t imagine a 10-episode podcast series would be able to come up with anything more significant than “bring a compass, we guess?”

#2: My Sister Daphne: Daphne was a cheerleader and volunteer in the community, and she went missing one mysterious, stormy day. It’s been years and not a single clue has ever emerged. Thing is, the cheerleading squad replaced her pretty easily and the volunteer group she worked with actually was kind of relieved, because she apparently was not a good worker at all. Not easy to come up with a hook when, frankly, she kind of sucked at most things.

#3: Fucking Ron: Fucking Ron was my fucking stepdad. I don’t really want to get into it, but he just…he just fucking sucked, you know? Mom’s better off without him and everyone is better off with a podcast called something like “When a Jackass is No Longer Around.”

#4: My Other Cousin Alan: I guess this one is pretty weird, but I did have another cousin named Alan who also hasn’t been around in a long time. But is that really enough to base an entire dramatic narrative investigation around? Especially when I guess I could call his mom and see if he ever showed up. Not gonna, though.

#5: My Dog Chowder: Chowder was the light in any room he entered. A gorgeous Spaniel-mix, he excelled at fetching and showed great promise at someday being able to be around a vacuum cleaner without freaking out. I miss him every day, but a grown man crying over a missing dog’s leash isn’t really something NPR is going to wet themselves over.

#6: Me: Neighbors said I was always friendly. Kept to myself mostly. But since that quiet, gray day in April, I’ve been missing. I’m not at all sure anyone has noticed, and to be blunt, I myself am not entirely sure where I am right now. If you see me, can you give Sarah Koenig a call?