“Poser” Added to the DSM-5

Posted on by Eli Johnson

WASHINGTON — The American Psychiatric Association at its annual conference announced it added “poser” to the latest update of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, bringing long-sought clinical clarity to an oft-misunderstood condition.

“The poser disorder is characterized by a variety of easily identifiable symptoms,” said Fatima Tawfiq, lead researcher at the East Bay Institute for Punk Studies, to the crowded hotel ballroom. “Posers often delude themselves into thinking they are fans of certain bands; however, when administered a simple diagnostic test to name five songs, they are incapable of meeting or exceeding this relatively modest threshold. Unfortunately, self-diagnosis is extremely difficult. Most posers go about their lives completely ignorant of just how sick they truly are. It’s best to broach the topic delicately if you suspect a friend or loved one is suffering.”

“The last thing we want is for the term to become a slur,” Tawfiq added.

Researchers theorize that posers have existed on the fringes of society since at least the late 1970s, but now with official diagnostic standards, thousands are finally getting the help they need.

“I never thought it could happen to me,” said recently diagnosed poser James Whittier of Rockville, Maryland. “I checked myself into a punk house and was prescribed a heavy cocktail of Bad Brains, Hüsker Dü, and Bikini Kill. It hasn’t been easy, least of all quitting my full-time job, which I was told was damaging my ‘cred,’ but I’m in a much better place now. In a moment of weakness, I relapsed and was caught listening to My Chemical Romance, so they confiscated my phone and had me talk to a panel of ‘cool’ older brothers and sisters to help me quell my urges. I tried to explain that I got them mixed up with Agent Orange, but they didn’t buy it.”

Still, not everyone in the clinical diagnostic community agrees with the way the disease has been classified.

“The standards are far too rigid,” said Mark Krauss, a psychologist in attendance. “My colleagues have created what amounts to a purity test, whereas my research suggests that posing exists on a spectrum. Take me, for instance. I go to concerts all the time, I read zines like ‘Rolling Stone,’ and, at the risk of dating myself, even attended Vans Warped Tour in my youth. Yet by the standards codified in the DSM, I’d be a basket case.”

At press time, Tawfiq and colleagues brought a skateboard on stage to demonstrate what in technical parlance is known as the “mall grab.”

If “Dio” Is Italian for “God” Then Why Won’t These Vatican Pussies Play Some “Holy Diver?”

Posted on by Dustin Meadows

I came to Vatican City to pay my respects to the all-time metal God, Ronnie James Dio, and I expected to find like-minded fellow worshipers who also believe in Him. See, in Italian, the language they speak here, their word for “God” is literally “Dio.” So why the Hell won’t these pussies crank some “Holy Diver”?

Now, I’m not gonna tell someone how to worship our God. When it comes to praising God, or “Dio” (when near Rome, haha!), I feel people should be free to show their faith however they like. But on the same token, it’s not right of them to impede how I worship. So why are these sheet-wearing pansies shushing me and my boombox right now?

How are you gonna accuse me of committing blasphemy by praising and worshipping the best heavy metal frontman to ever do it, when the Bible tells us that praise and worship are two of the best ways to bring us closer to Heaven, where God lives? I cannot believe the hypocrisy of this supposed “holy city.”

You’re gonna sit there and tell me that blasting hours and hours of that Gregorian monk chant bullshit is supposed to spiritually enlighten me? Granted, that monk shit would sound sweet if you threw some Dio over it. Kinda like when Metallica did a record with that orchestra, except the people of San Francisco didn’t boo them out of the square.

Y’all are running around in these boring-ass robes and the Pope’s carrying something called a “Papal ferula,” which is lame as hell. Dio carried a motherfucking sword and went around vanquishing demons and shit. You know, the things that are trying to steal the souls of every good Christian? Remember that, you pointy-hat-wearing fuck.

I know what you’re thinking. “If Dio is God, then why didn’t Dio ever create a miracle?” Listen to how stupid you sound right now. What the fuck do you think a “Rainbow In The Dark” is, if not a miracle?

Bon Iver, Sufjan Stevens Engaged in Heated Whisper Fight

Posted on by John Danek

LAFAYETTE, La. — Exalted indie musicians Justin Vernon, popularly known as Bon Iver, and Sufjan Stevens reportedly had an unexpected, hushed spat backstage at a music festival over the weekend, multiple witnesses confirmed.

“It was so damn weird. One would lean in and whisper something to the other who would then recoil in hurt and distress, before leaning in and cooing some metaphorically threatening retort,” recounted live sound engineer Ophelia Long, who is admittedly more of a metal fan herself. “Then a few times they wiped their tears away and hugged, only to misinterpret part of the other’s apology only to resume fighting about God knows what. No one could hear what they were saying. Maybe they were accusing each other of stealing abstruse similes.”

The fight purportedly stemmed from an act of unintentional vandalism in which Stevens accidentally bumped Vernon’s acoustic guitar, causing it to tip over onto a couch.

“Tears washed the glacier as I lamented to Sufjan that he knocked my guitar out of tune, eroding the trust in this dome, leaving trails of spoiled wine,” murmured Vernon, who texted close friend Kanye West for emotional support. “No one else touched the guitar, a bond of wheat so strong, a smothering wind in the womb of our mother. It could only be Sufjan, only be Sufjan. I hope the sweet winds of a southern storm spin him into a haze of lucid memories on the tip of a serpent’s venomous tongue. I know that’s harsh, but I’m really worked up right now.”

In an effort to defend himself, Sufjan Stevens offered his own oblique take on the situation.

“Why does he accuse me? Why does he refuse me? In the Lafayette parish, under Eden’s tree?” purred Stevens, who claims he admired the guitar from a distance, but was at a local indie bookstore at the time of the guitar tipping. “With notes so consonant from June to June, I left his guitar perfectly in tune (perfectly in tune). Three eyes of God observe my pain, as angels lift my last remains.”

The gentle indie artists’ fight continued, as both have released diss tracks against the other featuring layers of auto-tuned, barely audible weeping.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

Success: Everyone Wrote “Never Change!” in This Guy’s Yearbook and He Really Hasn’t

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Congrats to the Southport High School graduating class of 2005! Remember how you all wrote “Never change!” in the yearbook of class punk, Jimmy “Upper Decker” Delfino? Well, it may be 16 years later, but you’ll be thrilled to know that Jimmy is still living in his mom’s basement, listening to Alkaline Trio, and working part-time at a local deli. Mission accomplished!

You gotta give this guy credit; his graduating class wrote some generic, meaningless sentiment in his yearbook because they had no genuine connection with him and he based his entire life around it.

Back in the early ’00s, Jimmy was known throughout Southport High for his misspelled tattoos, trademark green mohawk, and wearing the same pair of cutoff shorts all year long. As a matter of fact, those are still his three defining features, except the mohawk is receding and he got a new pair of shorts in 2014.

While the rest of his peers pursued careers and started families, good ol’ Upper Decker stayed true to himself by drinking PBR 24/7 and hanging out at the record store arguing with the employees about the cutoff year when Offspring records should no longer be put in the punk section.

Southport grads will surely remember Jimmy’s band from all those basement shows and keggers they played back in the day. Well, everyone else in the band may have quit over a decade ago, but that hasn’t stopped Upper D one bit. He’s still writing songs about getting out of his hometown and, if you ask him, “Curbside Fuck-Up” is going to make it out of here one of these days.

So next time you’re stressed from work or money or the kids, remember the success story of your old friend Jimmy, who’s still bumming cigarettes outside of 7-Eleven, getting kicked out of house parties, and being screamed at by his stepdad for being a pussy. Truly, this man has captured the spirit of eternal youth.

Man Mistakenly Assumes He’d Be Getting a Lot More Action If He Was Gay

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Perpetually lonely heterosexual man Cliff Parker is living under the mistaken assumption that he would be getting a lot more action if he were gay, multiple amused sources confirmed.

“I’m in a real dry spell right now,” Parker reported while getting a haircut at his local Sports Clips. “Women, you know? They’re just so damn picky. I copy and pasted a bio on Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, all that shit, and nothing. If I was a gay dude, I would just be crushing it. Cruising for bussy, hooking up with multiple bros in the dimly lit bathroom of a club while a sick beat pulsed, having anonymous yet tender oral sessions with a man I’ll never see again. I’d be the pick of the litter, dude. I’d literally and figuratively be beating dudes off of me daily, I know it.”

Alan Marsden, a longtime friend of Parker’s, disagreed.

“Yeah, I don’t think Cliff’s problem is women,” Marsden said. “It might be more that he thinks if he puts his t-shirts in his fridge overnight, they never need to be washed. It might be that the only thing he ever talks about is his fantasy basketball bracket, and that he mostly talks about how much it fucking sucks. It might even be that I know for a fact he once tried to impress a date by eating two T-bone steaks and then spending so long in the bathroom that she left the restaurant.”

“By the way, I’m gay,” Marsden added. “And the fact that there has never been any sexual tension between us has nothing to do with orientation. It has to do with his collection of vintage Big Dog t-shirts.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioral psychologist, said Park’s belief is not uncommon.

“Many straight men like Mr. Parker are operating under the premise that gay men are incredibly promiscuous and looking for hot, anonymous, multi-partnered sex at the drop of a hat,” said Dr. Carter. “Due to an unfortunate combination of media portrayal of gay men as constant sex-machines and straight men’s unwavering sense of self-esteem, the latter tend to believe that gay men would love to snap them up for a quick pound and round. I mean, many would love that, just not with Mr. Parker. I’ve seen pictures of him, and I can’t imagine anyone would want to take those pants off.”

As of press time, Parker was explaining to his barber that he would have been a doctor or scientist or something if he had been born in India.

5 Kettlebell Exercises That Are Nowhere Near as Fun as Just Swinging Them Around All Crazy

Posted on by Dan Rice

The kettlebell is having a real moment right now, and for once you can believe the hype! A kettlebell’s unique shape makes it a far more versatile tool than dumbbells, and the thick handles incorporate bonus grip training into almost every exercise you do. Unfortunately, these benefits come at a cost.

For all of its strengths, the kettlebell suffers a crucial design flaw: It is WAY too fun to just swing around all crazy-like and probably hurt yourself and others!

Here are 5 kettlebell exercises that could theoretically take your workout routine to the next level, but won’t because you’re just gonna be all like “Look at me I’m a wrecking ball, weeeee!”

Squats
Adding weight to the traditional squat can yield big returns, and the kettlebell’s shape allows you to hold the weight center, making it easier to balance.

Of course, the real advantage is that you’re not holding the kettlebell by the handle, so you’re more likely to get some reps in before caving to temptation. After 4 weeks of training, I can now do 16 reps before yelling “Tornado!” and spinning that thing around the weight room Taz-style.

Suitcase Lunges
This exercise adds weight to the traditional lunge by making you hold a kettlebell in each hand. The only problem is, you have a friggin’ kettlebell in each hand! You know you’re not getting jack done before you’re swinging those babies around the room shouting “I’m a helicopter!” The terrified look on everyone’s dumb gym-rat face is just too priceless.

Bent-over Rows
Let’s work those back muscles! Assume a bent-over leaning position, let the weight hang from your forward arm and breathe out as you lift the weight to your midsection, being mindful of your core. Now, realize how stupid boring that is, and go wreck some havoc spinning those bells around all crazy!

The Turkish Get-up
This is a multi-step full body routine that many athletic trainers consider to be essential for peak performance. Unfortunately, each rep ends with you holding a dang kettlebell over your head, so it’s way too easy to start swinging it around, walk towards people and tell them that if they get hit it’s their fault.

The Kettlebell Swing
Are you kidding me? I mean, are you actually fucking kidding me? They want you to do an exercise with a kettlebell that INCORPORATES swinging the damned thing, and they expect you to have the self-control to not get way, WAY out of hand?! Good luck with that! Sorry Planet Fitness, but the lunk alarm is about to become the least of your worries.

Applebee’s Hostess Refuses to Seat Slipknot Until Entire Band Arrives

Posted on by Dustin Meadows

DES MOINES, Iowa — Liz Connelly, a second-year Applebee’s employee, refused to show three members of nü-metal octet Slipknot to their table until the other five masked musicians were present, several unimpressed staff explained.

“I don’t know what they expect from us. It’s policy, we can’t seat parties until everyone shows up. That’s any restaurant, I don’t care if you were in that remake of ‘Rollerball’ or whatever,” said Connelly while showing a young family of four to a booth. “Y’all can figure out how to spin a drum kit around in the air but you can’t factor in traffic to your travel time? Not to mention all the business we are losing when a group of senior citizens walk in to see a demented clown hitting a busted up keg with a hammer and demanding a table.”

Other employees were equally frustrated with the band’s conduct during their frequent visits to the establishment.

“These guys don’t seem to understand that if we give up table space to a party that isn’t all present, that real estate is gonna sit unusable by other parties who actually bothered to show up together, parties that actually tip well,” said Joey Martin, a veteran server. “Parties who don’t show up five minutes before close and then always tip $6.66 on a $250 tab like it’s a goddamn joke. We get it, you’re into the devil. Wouldn’t have figured that out from your Haunted House costumes. How about instead of digging your fingers into your eyes, you dig them into your pockets?”

Punctual Slipknot member Shawn Crahan seemed confused by the animosity of the staff.

“I figured everyone in Des Moines loved us. I don’t see what the big deal is if only five members of the band are there, we planned to slam the hell outta some poppers,” Crahan said while texting the absent members. “And every time we come through an Applebee’s, I always bring my keg in and smack it with my bat when they do a good job. Like those bells you can ring in some places to say ‘Hey maggots, we really dug the service!’”

When reached for an update, Martin added that while the Slipknot situation was a pain in the ass, it was no match for the time they had to wait around for all sixteen members of the Brian Setzer Orchestra to show up.

Osmosis Jones Called Out Of Retirement To Battle Delta Variant

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

COMMON BEAGLE SMALL INTESTINE — Health authorities called upon legendary white blood cell police officer Osmosis Jones to come out of retirement and help as cases of COVID-19 surge across the United States, official reports confirmed.

“I’ve been working private security in dogs and cats ever since Frank [DETORRE] got kicked to death by that elephant in ‘07,” Jones said while unclenching a tick from the lower lumbar of a beagle named Duncan. “But then Mayor Colonic called me up a few weeks ago because some wise-cracking Delta molecules showed up in a seven-year-old’s lungs. All this because the kid’s bitch ass mom wouldn’t let her wear a facemask in school.”

“Goddamn dipshits, I swear,” Jones added, popping the tick into a pulsating blob of goo.

Cold pill Drixenol “Drix” Koldreliff welcomed his former partner’s return to service fighting human pathogens.

“I’ve been working on serving penance since the pandemic began because of what I contributed to,” Drix said solemnly. “In May of 2020, a false rumor spread on Facebook that I could be used off-label as a treatment for the coronavirus when paired with near-lethal levels of apple cider vinegar. Then there were riots at Family Dollar stores across the southeast with people trying to hoard me after Donald Trump retweeted Scott Baio’s claim that I saved his life from COVID.”

Thrax, the evil virus whose defeat two decades ago made Osmosis Jones a household name, laughed menacingly when told about his old nemesis’s return to active duty.

“Oh Jones, you’ll never win,” Thrax said from within his maximum security red blood cell. “Fight Delta all you want, but I have the hearts and minds of the real Americans. Who do you think sent that brain-eating amoeba into President Trump’s head so I could torpedo mask usage before sending in my sleeper agents, Hydroxychloroquine and Ivermectin?! And that was just the beginning. The next phase is already in progress, I won’t rest until everyone’s eating kidney medications for cats.”

At press time, Osmosis Jones was fleeing certain doom after thousands of cells became infected with the Delta variant at a Kidney Rock concert.

Friendship on Verge of Collapse Due to Six-Month Dry Spell

Posted on by Freelancer

AUSTIN, Texas — Local horny-as-hell woman Wendy Charleton fears what might happen if she were to get drunk alone with close friend Collin Montrose due to her nonexistent sex life throughout the pandemic, eager sources confirmed.

“I was having lackluster sex with my boyfriend for half the pandemic before we split, so I was already pretty wound up by the time we made it official. It’s been a tortuous six months,” said Charleton. “Collin and I have been hanging out a lot recently, and every time he suggests we go get a drink I have to lie and say I was exposed to COVID. It only took five minutes into watching ‘When Harry Met Sally’ with him one time for me to question if I was ovulating. He’s basically my only friend and I hate everyone else, so I’m gonna have to tread real carefully over here.”

An equally thirsty Montrose expressed similar sentiments when asked “for a friend” what he thought about sleeping with platonic buddies.

“Of course I wouldn’t hook up with anyone I’m friends with,” said Montrose. “I respect them too much to jeopardize what we have. I mean, sure, she’s really pretty, smart, has a great ass, and I’m sure her sadness means she’s super kinky in bed. Plus she did look really good in those short shorts, but… wait, shit. Oh no. Fuck. Maybe I should call my ex before I lose the person I send dating memes to.”

“Also, that was all just hypothetical, about friends in general,” he added.

Mutual friends of Montrose and Charleton are surprised but grateful that their horniness hasn’t reached its peak and devastated their social circle yet.

“What do you mean they’re not hooking up?” asked friend Randy Martinez. “I ran into them getting breakfast. In the morning, for Christ’s sake. You can’t spell it out any more clearly than that. Honestly, I hope they don’t end up banging, because that would really ruin Tuesday Trivia nights for the whole group. My place is way too small to host and Wendy has an outdoor fire pit.”

At press time, Charleton and Montrose were caught staring daggers at each other’s dates at a mutual friend’s birthday gathering.

Opinion: I’m Just Gonna Let the Bed Bugs Run Their Course

Posted on by Dan Rice

Yes, before you ask, these are bed bug bites all over my body, and no, I do not need the number of a great exterminator you know. It may be unconventional, but I have opted to deal with MY bedbugs by going the natural route and just letting them run their course.

Do you know how these things spread in the first place? Someone in this apartment building must have sprayed for them, so they migrated to my place. Thanks a lot, asshole. Well unlike my neighbor, I’m not gonna take the easy way out, which in this case happens to be the very hard and expensive anyway. I’m gonna man up and let these fuckers run their natural course, ending the cycle once and for all.

The buck stops here. You’re welcome, everybody!

I know we live in the age of “oh, vaccinate this!” and “put a mask on that!” and “no seriously, if you refuse to wear a mask we will ask you to leave!” bullshit. Well folks, as you may have forgotten, there’s a little thing called an immune system and it does a pretty great job when we leave it the fuck alone and let it do its thing.

Bed bugs have been around a lot longer than bed bug gas and special shampoo or whatever the fuck; people used to just deal with them. In fact, going through a cycle of bed bugs is probably beneficial to the human biome because it’s like, what we’re used to. That sounds like something Rogan might say, so it’s probably true.

Currently the bugs are in the “biting the shit out of me” part of their life cycle. It’s causing me to develop itchy rashes all over my body. This is natural, and will trigger an immune system response. Within a few weeks my wounds will not only heal, but I will become stronger. Eventually I will become immune to the bites and the bugs, deprived of their natural food source (me) will naturally die off.

What you call “bed bug bites and open sores” I call “weakness leaving the body.” And don’t try to give me some big high and mighty earful about spreading them everywhere I go, because I’m wearing the damned mask, OKAY?!