Fuck. Why the fuck would your aunt be calling you? Fuck. Someone’s dead. Someone is fucking dead. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Why else would she be calling right now? What else could it even fucking be? Fucking good news? No. You barely even know this fucking person. Have you ever spoken on the phone with them? Ever? No, actually, have you ever spoken to this person one-on-one in your life? “Hi”, “Merry Christmas”, and “Goodbye” is not enough history for a phone call out of the fucking blue. Seriously, what the fuck is their problem?
How many goddamn people died that SHE is the one calling you?
What the fuck else could it be? Could it be good news? Obviously fucking not. What possible good news could your aunt even have? “Hey sweetie, just wanted to call and say your uncle bought a kayak. We’re calling everybody for some fucking reason.” You know what, they would. They would do that. They’re the fucking type. Un-fucking-believable.
How do you answer? What the fuck are you supposed to say? “Oh hi? Oh, I sound weird? Hrmm, uh, I guess it might be because I’m in the middle of this fucking panic attack you just fucking caused. Now enough with the niceties and just fucking tell me when the funeral is and who the fuck to make the fucking card about!”
Hold on, was anyone supposed to die? Not really. Your last grandmother died like two years ago. Fucking shit, did someone get in a car accident? House collapsed into a sinkhole? A fucking stroke? A heart attack? Suicide? Jesus fucking christ, why is your family so fucking stupid and unhealthy? Any one of these goddamn assholes could be dead. Fucking hell.
Should you let it go to voicemail? Maybe you’ll be able to hear if they’ve been crying. But what if they don’t leave a voicemail? What if they send some vague bullshit text? What if they keep calling? Oh fuck if she calls twice, somebody SUPER died. Fucking ridiculous. They’re being fucking ridiculous. This isn’t how you treat someone.
Okay, who could it be? Rob looked rough at Christmas…but he always looks rough. Did anyone mention somebody being sick? Why is the family text chain only about what dish they’re bringing to the next holiday?
You can’t answer. You’re emotionally unprepared.
Also, what voice are you supposed to answer with? Casual voice? Solemn voice? Tired voice? About-to-hear-terrible-fucking-news voice? What does that even sound like? Who knows, but you can’t answer all cheerful, like “Heyyyyy!” and then immediately find out that your uncle died under his riding mower. You’d have to downshift so hard. You do not have that kind of range.
Fuck it. Just fucking pick up. Answer it. Come on. Fucking answer it. Let’s fucking go!
“Hi sweetheart! Quick question. Do you still know computers?”
This bitch’s husband better get ready to make some calls, because she’s fucking dead.
