We Sat Down With a Libertarian Because We Didn’t Know

Posted on by Dan Rice

Alternative journalism makes for strange bedfellows, that’s just the way it goes. But every now and then it puts you face to face with someone so deplorable, all you can do is try to get the fuck out of there with your sanity intact.

When we heard that Portland-based radio station intern Trevor McCorvey had made it his personal mission to own every cassette tape copy of Marcy Playground’s hit single “Sex and Candy,” we thought he was the right kind of annoying and decided to interview him. Little did we know that behind the smokescreen of quirkiness lay a true monster.

THE HARD TIMES: Trevor, how many cassette copies of “Sex and Candy” do you currently own?

TREVOR MCCORVEY: After today’s big win on eBay, I’m up to 43.

Oh. Hmm.

What? Do you know someone who owns more cassette copies of “Sex and Candy” than that?

No! No, I don’t. It’s just ah, from your email I thought it would be a more sizable collection.

What is this, a date?

Well, that’s 43 more than any of our readers probably have! Walk us through the hunting process. How do you go about tracking down something so niche?

About half of my tapes come from eBay, but I’m always more satisfied when I find a “Sex and Candy” in the wild, so to speak. Especially when I snag one at a garage sale, because that way Uncle Sam doesn’t see one goddamned red cent of it, know what I mean?

Uh, sure.

That’s the dark side of the whole thing, really. Every time I have to fork over six hard earned pennies on a 99-cent “Sex’nCandy” I just worked my ass off digging out of the bargain bin, I die a little inside. That’s not how this country was supposed to work.

Uh, yeah, taxes are annoying.

You said it friend! Oh, your lips to God’s ears. That’s why I’m a Libertarian!

Ah.

What followed after that was a game of cat and mouse, if the cat’s goal was to prevent the mouse from gracefully leaving a conversation. Every excuse we made to pack up and leave, he somehow used as a launching pad for Libertarian talking points!

Shit, I just remembered it’s my Dad’s birthday. I gotta run.

Is he a land owner? You should build him a tool shed, and you shouldn’t need some bullshit permit to do it either, because that’s your land!

Well, if I don’t catch the next bus I’m kind of screwed so I should get going.

Oh I bet! Yeah that’s because TriMet has got you by the balls, my friend. If this country actually had a free market you would have options. People are such sheep thinking they lose out when municipalities become privatized, it’s the biggest scam in the world!

Hey you know what, I’m feeling pretty light-headed. I think I should go to the hospital.

Oh, I hope you brought your Fuhrer Obama health card with you! Honestly, the whole idea that healthcare is a right is completely absurd. Maybe if poor people didn’t have access to healthcare they wouldn’t have so many babies, am I right?!

In the end, I had to make up some bullshit about needing to get to a town hall meeting and stop the city from offering low-cost prenatal vitamins to low-income pregnant women. That didn’t stop him from finding me on Facebook and tagging me on a bunch of Ron Paul memes with comments like “as per our conversation.” What a disgrace. I never thought I would say this in my life, but I expect more from a “Sex and Candy” super-fan.

Hardcore Frontman Trying to Write More Profound Lyrics Settles for Brotherhood, Unity

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Torn Down frontman Benny Lawrence attempted to write lyrics tackling some of society’s most pressing issues, but instead settled on brotherhood and unity for the 75th straight time, confirmed sources who were absolutely not surprised.

“I wanted to write an album that expresses my thoughts on masculinity, having to deal with aging parents, and income inequality across race and gender. But I realized that nobody would sing along to any of that,” said Lawrence. “The guys in my band are writing some of the heaviest breakdowns in hardcore. I can’t let them down by writing lyrics that make people stop and think. I ended up writing 12 songs about how my friends are always there for me, and how my crew is my chosen family. People are going to go off once they hear these tracks.”

Lawrence’s bandmates admitted they were floored by some of the lyrics their front man came up with.

“We were playing through the song ‘Thicker Than Water’ and when he said ‘stay true to what you do, nobody can fuck with our crew,’ I had to stop and give him a round of applause. I don’t know how he thinks of this stuff,” said the band’s drummer Marty O’Leary. “I think he might be one of the greatest minds in hardcore. I don’t know any other frontmen who are able to express these complex emotions, like loving your friends, and being there for each other no matter what. Oh, and never letting a friend down. That’s important.”

Fans of Torn Down were happy to hear the band was not writing anything that could be described as “the most thoughtful album in the band’s history.”

“There are only like four topics I care about, and all of them have to do with my friends being loyal to each other. If I wanted to listen to something that made me think then I’d throw on some Joe Rogan,” said hardcore fan Eli Krause. “I can usually tell when a band is going soft as soon as they stop using skulls in their cover art, or even worse, when they put an acoustic song at the end of the album. I just want hardcore to stay the exact same forever, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

Lawrence further excited fans by announcing an additional EP that is expected to tackle the topics of betrayal and sellouts.

Review: Quicksand “Distant Populations”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The all-mighty Quicksand are back with their fourth full-length album spanning their 31-year career. It’s their second with Epitaph and the album is another post-hardcore work of art from the New York legends.

Before I get to the full review of this album I would just like to take a moment to address the terrible service I recently had at Prince Seafood Buffet in Los Angeles.

As soon as I walked in they started screaming at me to put shoes on. Sorry, I forgot my fucking shoes at my apartment. I had just come off a long day of listening to new releases and I just wanted to relax a bit. My shoes got left at home, and I stepped on a sharp rock in the parking lot so my foot was kind of bloody, sue me. These pricks didn’t even have a pair of shoes they could loan me. I had to go back to my car and duct tape a couple of old t-shirts around my feet to make a makeshift sandal, and finally, they allowed me to enter their precious restaurant.

They scoffed at me when I told them I would be eating alone. I informed them that I’m a respected music journalist and often that makes friendships difficult. After what seemed like four hours of explaining my profession I was finally given a plate and allowed to eat. But as soon as I started grabbing handfuls of lobster, crab, shrimp, and clams they started yelling at me again to use the utensils, and that they have “Covid-19 protocols” that I’m “directly violating.” The stress of this gave me a nose bleed and I accidentally bled over a lot of the buffet. What pissed me off was the fact that they tried to charge me for all the food I “ruined.” I’m sorry, but if I don’t eat it then I don’t pay for it.

When I was finally allowed to eat my food I had a slight allergic reaction. Yes, I’m allergic to shellfish, and yes my face swells up to twice it’s normal size anytime I eat lobster, but it tastes so fucking good. None of the staff would jab me with an EpiPen, so I had to do it myself before I passed out and asphyxiated. I kept explaining to management that I know a couple of the guys from The National and that I’m fine to continue eating, but they kicked me out anyway.

I’m giving Prince Seafood Buffet 0 stars, and I’m giving this new Quicksand album 5 out of 5 delicious lobsters.

/**/

Emerging COVID Variant Eager to Get out of Town for the Weekend

Posted on by Dianne Nora

MILWAUKEE — An emerging COVID variant is reportedly optimistic about municipalities dropping their mask mandates across the county and excited to get out of the city for a weekend in the countryside, confirmed cells being destroyed by the virus.

“I just feel like I’ve met everyone there is to meet here, ya know? It’s going to feel so good to get back out in the world and see how quickly I can get it shut down again,” said the variant, which is allegedly deadlier and more contagious than any previously identified strain in the region. “There are only so many breweries and bars you can tear through before you start realizing how tiny this city is. After so much time being stuck in one place, I’m just really looking forward to meeting some new lungs.”

Another COVID-variant, which emerged in Brazil earlier this year, agreed that the easing of travel restrictions has really helped it get out of its shell.

“Before the social restrictions had been lifted, when it was impossible to travel and no one was really going out, I was feeling extremely desperate. I wasn’t sure how I was going to go on infecting large groups of people,” said P.1. “Ever since I mutated, I wanted to make my way to the United States. I’d love to see New York, or maybe hit some beaches in Los Angeles. Once I knew I’d be able to get out of my dull routine and really connect with people somewhere with very few respirators and only a few beds in the ICU, I felt a new lease on taking life.”

Epidemiologist Corinne White, an expert in developing diseases, explained that deadly infections need a particular mix of environment and population to thrive.

“In our rush to save lives, many experts have failed to consider the mental health of these infectious diseases,“ White noted. “As vaccine use rises in many communities, and practices are put in place to curb the spread, many diseases are denied the opportunities they need to blossom emotionally. We’ll never see the sort of rampant, devastating outbreaks that we’ve come to expect if these variants aren’t allowed to explore the world beyond their hometowns.”

At press time, the variant said it was making plans for a cruise and hoping to attend at least two music festivals before the end of the year.

Opinion: We Wouldn’t Have an Abortion Debate Today if Roe and Wade Had Just Settled Things in the Octagon

Posted on by Dan Rice

In 1970 the case of Roe vs. Wade was brought before the Supreme Court. After a nearly three-year trial and appeals process, the court made a landmark decision legalizing abortion in the United States. After 48 years, that decision remains the most contested ruling the court has ever made, and why? Because abortion is too big to be decided “by committee.”

There would be no abortion debate in this country if, all those years ago, Roe and Wade had been allowed to settle things in a no-holds-barred cage match. If Americans could only have seen these two champions square off toe to toe, they would have accepted the outcome.

You can’t blame Americans for being conflicted over abortion when they were denied the chance to see these two titans duke it out for the big W, settling the matter once and for all. An issue this big speaks to man’s most primal instincts, and primal problems need primal solutions. If it had simply come down to who wanted it more, the heart of the nation would have been won over.

Sadly our need for cage-justice was never appeased, and we are left with a nation divided.

Oh, you think a winner-take-all sludge match between a then 56-year-old man and a then 23-year-old mother of three isn’t fair? Let’s take a closer look at our competitors, shall we?

HENRY WADE:
Weight: 230 lbs
Height: 5’10
Fighting Style: Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (unconfirmed)
Signature Move: Patriarchal Oppression
AKA: Pompous Punch-out, The Biblical Bomber, The Texan Terror, The Deep-Southpaw

NORMA “JANE ROE” MCCORVEY
Weight: 170 lbs
Height: 5’8
Fighting Style: Krav Maga (unconfirmed)
Signature Move: A Woman’s Scorn
AKA: Ropeadope Roe, Calamity Jane, The Mom of Madness, The Trimester Tester

As you can see, both fighters have an extensive background in a discipline of martial arts (unconfirmed) and both fighters WANT IT. Forget U.S law, this fight could have been the most magnificent spectacle the world has ever seen! Just think of the marketing possibilities!

Conception Commotion!

The Theological Throw-down!

The Hubris for the Uterus!

The Rumble for the Rattle!

The Thriller on Capitol Hiller!

The Spectacle from the Testicle

Girls Rights Fight Night!

Truly, the mind reels. What I’m proposing is simple. We build a time machine, or clone Roe & Wade and implant them with the appropriate memories, whichever is cheaper. I’ll handle the venue, promotion, and licensing for the match. The mob gets involved. Wade agrees to go down with a shot to the nuts in the third. Everyone’s cool with abortion and I clear a cool 10 million.

I’ll level with you, my only other client is Mike Tyson so I’m sort of banking on this.

Band Argues About Setlist Like Anyone Gives a Shit

Posted on by Cory Cousins

SEATTLE — Members of local metal band Brutal Stepson reportedly grew heated last night when they couldn’t agree on a setlist, about which the audience couldn’t care less, confirmed a group of bored onlookers.

“I’m sorry, but sometimes I just have to put my foot down,” said Brutal Stepson vocalist Greg Flores. “I mean, call me crazy, but how would anyone in their right mind think it’s a good idea to play ‘Demon Forest’ before ‘Temple of the Necrostrangler?’ It’s show programming 101: you never put the radio single before the touching ballad. I always thought that was common sense. I guess not. The audience’s musical journey is not something I take very lightly.”

Other band members disagreed with Flores’ matter-of-fact take.

“Look, last time I checked, we were called Brutal Stepson, not The Greg Flores Band,” noted drummer Mitch Copeland. “I’d concede placing ‘Temple of the Necrostrangler’ before ‘Demon Forest,’ but we should never close any show with ‘Beelzebub Blues.’ That’s band suicide! The audience is gonna go apeshit if we don’t end with ‘Highway of Shame’ or ‘Reaver of Benevolence.’ Yeah, if we had the chance to do three maybe four encores, this wouldn’t be an issue… but we’re the opening band.”

When asked by the band, one brave showgoer offered their opinion about the 18-minute setlist.

“What songs do I want to hear? Honestly, I don’t know any of your songs,” replied audience member Dean Franklin. “I’m actually here to see my friend’s band, Horn of Oblivion. I really don’t care what you play — you could draw song names out of a hat, or cover Iron Maiden for all I care. I was planning on hitting up the smoking patio during your set anyway.”

Following sound check, Brutal Stepson came together with compromises, only to be derailed when they couldn’t decide on greeting the crowd with, “How are you all feeling tonight?” or, “Make some noise, Seattle!”

Opinion: It’s No Big Deal, My Dad Doesn’t Keep It Loaded

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

First of all, stop being such a pussy, dude. It’s just a handgun. And a glock at that! No one ever is killed by just a handgun. Seriously, all we’re going to do is place the apple on your head, I’ll point the gun at you, we’ll take a picture, and then we can go back to playing XBOX.

You’ve got nothing to worry about. The safety is on….no, wait. Ok, now the safety is on.
I swear, my dad never keeps this thing loaded. No, you don’t need to check if it’s loaded. I already checked. It’s not. All I want is to take a picture for Instagram. I’m definitely not going to try to shoot the apple off your head. Even though I know I could easily do it and you would be completely safe from harm.

What, you don’t believe me? Wow, I thought we were friends, dude. And to think, I’m the only kid that will still play with you after you threw up during that assembly and your dad went to jail for mail fraud. I guess this is the thanks I get.

Oh, you want to hold the gun and I put the apple on my head? No, we can’t do that. I’m not scared, I just think that’s a stupid idea. Besides, it’s my dad’s gun. And the apple is your mom’s. You see the flaw in your logic now?

Well, if we don’t do this, how else will we spend the next eight hours until your mom gets home? You already said we can’t shave the Maine Coon, and we don’t have any more cinderblocks to chuck off the overpass.

This is just like the cherry bomb incident all over again. You remember what happened then? You kept bitching and moaning about how you didn’t want to flush a lit cherry bomb down your mom’s toilet until I finally convinced you to do it. And see, it was no big deal then, right? The cherry bomb harmlessly exploded and only caused a few thousand dollars worth of plumbing damage.

There you go, I’m glad you’ve come around to my side now. Just put the apple on your head, stand against the wall, and I’ll point this little gun at your face. Totally no big deal.

I promise, after we do this, you’re going to be the most popular kid in school.

Undecided Voter Not Sure if Candidate Is Kind of Guy He Could Harass a Waitress With

Posted on by Dianne Nora

NEW YORK — Undecided voter Tom O’Reilly is still not sure if any of his top candidates in the city’s upcoming mayoral election are the type of guy he could harass a waitress with, sources confirmed.

“I don’t like when politicians get all political. I want to vote for the guy that is the most like me and my friends,” O’Reilly said while drinking a Miller High Life. “Whoever runs this city should be the kind of guy who only orders steak, can change the oil in his car, and won’t just sheepishly order a round of redheaded sluts. My ideal candidate doesn’t make lewd remarks to waitresses under his breath; he says them loudly and proudly, and if anyone calls him out? He fights them, like a fucking real man.”

Sam Trenton, a representative for the Scott Stringer campaign, said he was confident that voters like O’Reilly would find all the boorish, dehumanizing behavior they’re looking for as they get to know Stringer.

“Guys like Andrew Yang get lots of media attention, but everyone knows that Yang isn’t man enough to write his number on the back of a receipt with a note that says ‘You could get it.’ In fact, no one in this race other than Scott has shown a proven record of workplace harassment,” said Trenton. “We want New Yorkers to know that Scott Stringer promises to act just as creepy and underhanded behind the scenes as he does when the cameras are rolling.”

Pollster Nate Beckwith said data consistently shows that, despite what any campaign promises, voters really want the type of candidate they can trust would come forward as a character witness for them if they were ever accused of sexual harassment at work.

“Numbers show that, across all five boroughs, voter enthusiasm increases when there’s a high likelihood of a candidate joining in on neighborhood catcalling,” Beckwith explained. “Local elections can sometimes lead to complacency, but voter turnout actually increases whenever a candidate successfully shifts a conversation about his harassment or abuse to what the alleged victim was wearing or how much she’d had to drink. That’s the type of candidate that will draw New Yorkers to the polls.”

As Election Day approaches, O’Reilly says he’s still undecided, though he’s confident he won’t be voting for any of the women running. “I’m not sure why,” O’Reilly says, “but they just don’t seem likeable.”

Class Warfare? This Coffee Shop Doesn’t List Prices

Posted on by John Danek

The gap between rich and poor widens each year. Jeff Bezos takes his billions to space while Elon Musk trolls global economics with meme tweets. Yet the most glaring example of the growing dissent between the classes exists in a small coffee shop in San Diego where I happen to be standing, holding up the line, because these fascists don’t list their prices.

To my comrades in this North Park neighborhood coffee shop, listen up! Skydrop Coffee is waging class warfare and we must end it NOW. These wannabe oligarchs are hoarding all of the economic information. This is basically insider trading.

I walked in and the only discernible menu was a black felt board with white letters vaguely listing their offerings including latte, cortado, matcha, and more. You know what they didn’t offer? Prices. Capitalist swine.

This puts customers like me in the awkward position of either having to ask the cashier how much things cost (out of the question) or risk overdrawing my bank account when I accidentally order some $13 single-origin pourover, when all I wanted was a simple $9 single-origin pourover. I panicked, acted like I walked into the wrong place, abruptly turned, and left like a total dipshit. Fuck these one-percenters.

To make matters worse, Skydrop Coffee has signature drinks on their terse menu, such as the “FINNY” and the “HOKKAIDO,” with no explanation as to what the items actually are. Sizes are also omitted from their menu and website. Fuck the JFK assassination, we need to de-classify this coffee shop.

Oh shit, they also have beer. No prices on those either though. Eh, I’ll just open a tab.