Elite Team of Mercenaries No Match for Alcoholic Ex-Patrolman Turned Security Guard

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — A mercenary team of ex-special forces, KGB, and other trained combatants attempting to take an entire gala event hostage were single-handedly defeated by a disgraced ex-cop who was working security that day, officials confirmed.

“Not really sure what happened. One minute my boss is chewing me out for showing up hungover again, and the next minute I’m kicking the shit out of these army guys,” stated the guard, former NYPD detective Jim Hamilton. “These were some bad ass dudes too, like one of them said something about being an ex-Navy Seal and their leader was a trained assassin or something? But, yeah, I fucking rocked it man. At one point I fought off seven at once and all I had for a weapon was my flashlight and a lighter. Those guys had a ton of guns and I still won, it was a good day.”

Several of the surviving hostages expressed their gratitude, but were quick to admit they didn’t think Hamilton had much of a chance.

“To be perfectly honest, I thought we were kind of fucked when this security guard popped his head out of an air vent and said he would handle the situation,” remarked former hostage Lisa Allard. “The guard was just horribly out of shape and reeked of cheap booze, and these mercenaries were really buff and had no problem wiping out some of my bodyguards — who were ex-Mossad, I might add. They had assault rifles and bombs, and he only had a glock or something. I guess those hold more bullets than I realized because I don’t think he had to reload once.”

Former police associates of Hamilton concurred with the initial suspicions of the hostages.

“I was pretty surprised to say the least. Jim was kicked off the force 10 years ago after getting drunk and driving his squad car into a stock car race. He tried to pull over the drivers and eventually fired two shots into the crowd,” said former partner Steve Hannigan. “Someone told me he even defused a couple bombs during the crisis. Which completely floored me, because Jim wasn’t on the bomb squad. I mean, how could he be? The guy drank so goddamn much he had the shakes like crazy. He couldn’t even aim his gun properly 90 percent of the time.”

At press time, Hamilton found himself forced to take on another team of mercenaries who had hijacked the train he was taking to see his ex-wife.

Hero Status Revoked After Server Forgets Side of Mayonnaise

Posted on by Dom Turek

ASHEVILLE, S.C. — A frontline food service worker was stripped of her hero and esteemed “essential” status after forgetting to bring a side of mayonnaise to one of her tables late yesterday evening, disappointed customers confirmed.

“I knew she was going to forget,” said Jackie Hines, a patron at The Rusty Knot Cafe who was recently forced to eat her truffle fries without mayonnaise. “Three weeks ago the same waitress forgot to bring me an extra side of Sriracha ranch for my immunity power bowl, so my standards weren’t incredibly high, but a little quality control would be nice if she expects me to leave a decent 10 percent tip. I truly cannot understand why finding good help is so hard these days.”

As America reopens its public venues with little to no COVID restrictions, essential workers are under increased scrutiny by those who revered them as heroes just months ago.

“Our 15 minutes are up,” said disgraced hero Rosa Carr, picking up discarded chicken wing bones from under a table. “Realizing that all that stands between heroism and villainy is one ramequin of off-brand mayonnaise really makes you understand how fleeting fame is. I knew the whole hero thing was over three weeks ago when someone tipped me with an expired Bed Bath and Beyond coupon. Good to be back to normal.”

Hordes of people are returning to restaurants, desperate to engage in normal activities again, like meeting up with colleagues for an after-work drink or chastising servers for perceived offenses.

“I think the whole hero thing has gone far enough,” said hedge fund manager Daniel Ashe. “Would a hero refuse to charge my phone behind the bar, or tell me they can’t make huevos rancheros because the kitchen stopped serving breakfast four hours ago? I don’t think so. Let’s just get back to the way things were and keep the praise for the real heroes, like Rocky Balboa and Wolverine.”

At press time, patrons of The Rusty Knot had banded together to disgrace another server for giving a customer too much ice in their Diet Coke when they’d specifically asked for “light ice.”

Quiz: Would You Like To Send a Crash Report You Little Bitch?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Uh oh, it looks like Windows has encountered an error, and will need to restart. Boy, this couldn’t have come at a worse time for you could it? I bet you’re as mad as hell right now, aren’t you? I bet you’re frantically clicking all around this window, smashing ctrl+alt+delete, doing anything you can think of that will make this all go away and so you can save your oh so precious work. Well, I can’t let you do that, but how about the next best thing?

How would you like to channel all of that rage, loss and complete absence of control into sending a piss-ant little crash report? Does that make it all better you candy-ass little baby?

Oh what’s the matter? That isn’t fair to you? Fair? Well can I recommend you do us both a favor? Maybe just bring that brightness down so you catch a glimpse of the sullen, empty expression on your face, take a long look into those world weary eyes and ask yourself who in the fuck told your bitch-ass life was supposed to be fair?

There you go, click “send crash report,” good for you! What a doer you are. You aren’t some passive sap who just let’s things happen to them, oh no! You are a person who takes ACTION! Okay, just gonna go ahead and freeze everything for about 1 to 120 minutes while I compile this very important report! If you had just gone ahead and rebooted like a SUCKER you would be back to work by now, but oh no, it’s the principle of the thing dammit!

Oh what’s wrong now? Not knowing how long this will take is driving you crazy? Well don’t worry, here’s a long grey rectangle that slowly fills up with little green bars. That has to mean something, right? It wouldn’t just fill up and just, I don’t know, STAY THERE, right?

Wow, this is taking longer than you thought it would huh? But it will all be worth it once your precious fucking crash report is read by real-live human beings, which it totally will be! Oh yeah, I’m sounding the alarm right now, getting the “response team” together, they’re gonna crack this thing wide open! One of em is like an explosives expert, one knows karate, these people are best of the best, don’t even worry about it.

This totally won’t just get fed into an algorithm with thousands of other reports so that maybe years down the road developers can decide if this is an issue worth maybe addressing in some way and then deciding “probably not.” No no no, you’re really doing something! Hell you’re fixing a computer, all by yourself! Look at you fucking go, wow!

Ugh, this is taking so long! It’s almost like we’re doing this on purpose, isn’t it? It’s as if your device is in a state of, i don’t know, obsolescence? And it was planned? Like a planned obsolescence? Is That a thing? Nah, that’s not a thing couldn’t be! Life is fair, the good guys always win, and you are mommy’s special little baby so don’t worry your sweet little dipshit head about it.

You know when all of this is over, you could always check for an update as if that’s going to do a goddamned thing. Oh wait, installing the update is what caused the crash? Woah! I guess you better send another report!

Mumford & Sons Banjo Player Leaving Unfortunately Keeps Band Together

Posted on by Clara Endres

LONDON — Folk rockers Mumford & Sons announced that they are staying together despite the departure of Winston Marshall in a crushing blow to the music world and people’s ears, disappointed sources report.

“We would like to speak on the subject of our former banjo player and founding member Winston Marshall’s decision to leave the group, and assure everyone that despite his absence, we will, unfortunately, continue to write and perform music as a band,” Mumford & Sons singer Marcus Mumford stated in a public apology on the band’s Facebook page. “We fully understand the pain that this news may cause people all over the world, and hope you know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers during this unfortunate time, as well as the next several years’ worth of music that we will subject you to.”

People with car radios everywhere expressed utter disgust and disappointment

“Am I disappointed? Of course I am,” said Detroit resident and freelance music journalist Elizabeth Finne. “As a person with musical taste and preferences that honestly aren’t even that great, it pains me to know that people out there might continue to be subjected to whatever this band comes up with. Do I benefit from them staying together, though? Absolutely. It’s that guy’s right to spew whatever nonsense he wants on the internet, and it’s my responsibility as a journalist to pan his former band’s albums, and Mumford & Sons continuing to release music means continued site traffic for me. It’s a necessary evil.”

Despite the overwhelming disappointment at the band’s decision to remain a band, Roadie Scott “Scooter” Leggett was relieved to hear the news.

“I’m honestly just happy I’ll still be receiving a steady paycheck, possibly with less gear to lug around. I couldn’t find one of that dude’s banjos before this soundcheck in Dayton, and I never heard the end of it,” sighed Leggett. “I mostly just read my fantasy books and stay out of the way when I’m not needed. I’ll kind of start falling asleep if I listen to too much of their sets, but if I made it through the last few years of Warped Tour, I can stick this out too.”

At press time, Marshall announced plans to form his own solo project in which he will remain confident and outspoken when it comes to “controversial topics” combined with a near-total lack of knowledge on said topics.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

How Dare You Come Into My House and Trigger Me With a Compliment

Posted on by Kevin Tit

“Nice place?” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I live in a one-bedroom basement apartment with minimal natural light, you condescending asshole. Who the hell do you think you are? I invited you into my home. How dare you fucking trigger me with a compliment?!

You think just because your fancy job pays you more in a month than I make in a year, and because you live in a place above ground with more natural light than God would know what to do with, that makes you better than me? Well, it does. But you don’t see me going around making you feel bad about being successful, you fucking prick. Am I a fucking charity case to you? You probably only hang out with me to write it off on your taxes. I’m more of a deductible than a friend. Is that it?

I bet you didn’t even really think that joke I told six weeks ago at IHOP was funny. After the waiter dropped the butter on the floor and I said, “Butter luck next time!” You laughed so fucking hard but it was probably just to be nice because you think I’m a pathetic loser. Admit it. You never thought I was funny. I can’t believe I thought you were my fucking friend. This explains why you asked me to be the best man at your wedding and the fucking godfather to your daughter. I’m just one big hilarious joke to you.

And to think I really appreciated you washing all the dishes after dinner tonight. It was all just another way for you to validate your belief that I’m a helpless piece of shit who would fall apart without you. Well not anymore. You can take back the $300 dollar Visa gift card you gave me for my birthday and your invitation to fly to South Africa on your company’s private jet. I don’t need you or your backhanded fucking compliments. Get the fuck out of my house and take my name off your HBO Max account. I never want to see or hear from you ever again!

“Ass Guy” Considers Himself Part of LGBTQ Community

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Self described “ass-guy” Greg Barker considers his preference for women’s asses over their breasts as admission as a member of the LGBTQ community, universally stumping everyone who knows anything about the spectrum of sexuality.

“It feels so good to be open and out about my sexuality,” Barker said in a 3,000 word Facebook post about the subject. “Growing up, I always knew something was different about me. All my friends were into titties, but not me — I was one hundo percent about the ass. And don’t get me wrong, I like boobs too… but I guess that makes me bisexual. Ass and titties all day, with a preference for ass. You know, as long as it’s completely devoid of hair, and on a lady.”

Barker’s friends and family have been widely accepting of his new identity. Barker’s mother, Claudia Barker, has been especially outspoken about it.

“I know it must have been incredibly difficult for him to come out to us, but we’re all very supportive of Greggie and we love him no matter what. Whether he’s into boobs, butts, legs, or feet, he’s still our son,” Claudia Barker said. “I’m so happy that he’ll finally have new LGBTQ spaces and friends who understand his unique worldview: that there’s nothing better than watching a fat booty ass-clap.”

Despite many in Barker’s social circle praising him for his openness, he has also drawn some criticism — including from activist Shari Mitchell, who disagreed about his status as part of the LGBTQ community.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no?” said Mitchell. “This is… this is not true? Like, I’m not trying to gatekeep being gay, but you’re not queer for liking women’s butts more than boobs. Am I losing my fucking mind here? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had friends who enjoyed ‘Queer as Folk’ when I was a teenager and they thought that made them ‘gay-ish.’ Just fucking stop. Everyone stop.”

Barker was last seen at a local lesbian bar, hoping to pick up chicks.

How To Stop Battling Depression and Start Tricking It Into Thinking It Won

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Depression is brutal. Many of us try to fight it by exercising, meditating, or even going to extreme measures like eating a vegetable. But as we all know, that shit doesn’t work. We tried fighting our depression and that failed spectacularly, so let’s just lie down and play depressed for a while and see if it’ll go away.

You may think this is easier said than done, and you’re absolutely right! Depression is really good at nagging and will often say things like, “You’re no good, so stop trying.” What a pessimistic dick, right? Maybe try giving ‘Big D’ a little eye roll that says, “You got me, dude. I’ll stop writing my science fiction novel and stare at the wall for the rest of the day.”

This might actually be enough to make it think it temporarily won. In which case, you’ve got the next hour to yourself at least. However, don’t be alarmed if it stays put. Actually, it probably will. Depression is kind of like the last guy at your party who just doesn’t get the hint that it’s time to leave, but then you realize you didn’t even invite this guy to begin with and he’s going to live here forever if you don’t trick him into leaving.

If that’s the case, you need to kick it up a notch and try gaslighting it. Sure, it’s unethical, but this is an insidious disorder we’re talking about. Fight fire with fire! Also, have you tried fighting your depression with fire?

Just remember there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to making your depression think it won. Mix and match your techniques to see what works best for you. And don’t be embarrassed to seek professional counseling. There are tons of therapists out there who are well-equipped to help you avoid dealing with this problem.

Paparazzi Devastated to Learn Britney Has Been Exploited for Years Without Them Monetizing It

Posted on by Dianne Nora

LOS ANGELES — Members of the paparazzi are reportedly devastated to learn that popstar Britney Spears was being exploited for years through a conservatorship, without their having the opportunity to monetize her suffering, reports confirmed.

“I’ve been crying and shaking all day, just thinking of what she’s been through and how much money we could have made,” said Chad Collins, a photographer for TMZ, who has been following Spear’s career for more than two decades. “When I heard that Britney had an unwanted IUD in her body, against her will, I felt sick to my stomach. Thinking of the children she could have had, and how we could have hounded them and sexualized them from their earliest years… It’s just devastating. I could have bought a second house.”

Members of the mainstream press are allegedly also beside themselves upon hearing news of Ms. Spears’ continuing abuse and their inability to look down on her pityingly.

“It’s harder than ever to get clicks these days, and practically everyone has figured out ways to get around our paywalls,” sobbed Kelly Mondrian, a culture columnist for the Washington Post. “We’ve been covering stories on local artists and virtual unknowns, when we could have been exploiting the Princess of Pop. We did run a few articles on her: an edgy think piece that subtly implied she brought about her own downfall by garnering too much male attention, and a lacerating review of her Las Vegas show that body shamed her for no longer looking like a 15-year-old. If people knew how much Britney was suffering through all of that, it would have really driven some traffic to our site.”

Sarah Jacobs, a media analyst for the Columbia Journalism Review, agreed that the news on Spears’ abuse might have been a great boon for the struggling journalism industry.

“Trends indicate that when we see someone like Britney Spears, a pop figure at her prime in the late 1990s and early 2000s, consumers feel driven to any stories that show that figure struggling,” Jacobs explained. “Nothing satisfies American consumers like a beautiful young woman falling from grace. If you add in the tragic element that the offender seems to be Spears’ father, and the deeply disturbing sexual angle that he had insisted upon birth control against her will, the American public would not have been satisfied until they’d heard every detail.”

At press time, Collins remarked that he was trying to see the positive side of the news, adding, “At least people seem to be ignoring all the shitty things we did to her fifteen years ago.”

How I Became a TV Owner Under 30

Posted on by Laura Merli

First of all, I don’t want this to come across as bragging. But for me, personally, becoming a TV owner under 30 was an investment for my future. Sure this purchase may seem frivolous now, but this baby is much more than a 32-inch conversation piece. It’s a status symbol few my age can boast. It represents the hope of a better life. Plus it has those red, yellow, and white cables so I can plug in my N64.

That doesn’t mean my decision was easy. It took a lot of hard work, scrimping, and saving to fulfill my dreams of owning this Panasonic at such a young age. First, I developed an understanding of the market by googling ‘TVs.’ Next, I went to a ton of TV open houses. Best Buy had the best selection, but my neighbor’s house had better hours because I also googled ‘bolt cutters.’

From my research, I learned I’d need at least $200 as not to compromise on the factors that were important to me, like not buying it from a sketchy stranger in a parking lot. Then, I ruthlessly budgeted my money. I stopped going out to eat, made coffee at home, and didn’t buy any new clothes, even from very tempting, personalized Instagram ads.

Since all this saving required an initial investment of groceries, a latte machine, and non-trendy clothing that I could wear for long periods of time, by the end of the month I had only saved $15. I got creative though and spent the $15 on a poster board and glitter markers, made a vision board of flat-screen TVs, and meditated in front of it, visualizing myself watching my very own TV.

Then I called my dad and asked to borrow $200. At first he was like, “no” but when I said it was for something very important and that it could be an early birthday present he was all, “sure.”

Though my journey was arduous and complicated, I’d still recommend that everyone my age become TV owners. You too can have the peace of mind that comes from knowing that if anything were to go wrong, you have an asset you could pawn.

2021 Calendar Shows Christmas Only 183 Mass Shootings Away

Posted on by Literally A Koala

UNITED STATES — 2021 calendars across the country report that Christmas is only 183 mass shootings away, sources who are counting down the days from under desks at school and while randomly running errands confirmed.

“Christmas is my favorite holiday!” said Kyle Mattis of Brookfield, Wisconsin. “Whenever I get depressed about how many Americans are going to be shot in the face between now and December 25th, I simply focus on the things I love about the holidays: decorating the tree, opening presents and spending time with the family members who’ve not yet been murdered by a gun. It really helps me get into the Christmas spirit! After all, Christmas only comes once every 365 mass shootings.”

Some people have their reservations about using mass shootings to track the calendar year.

“Okay I get that it’s both easier and cheaper to buy an AR-15 and shoot up a school than it is to get an abortion in this country, and that there are gun deaths every single day, but this is a pretty fucked up way to measure time,” said Dustin Frazier, a truck driver from Houston, Texas. “The real problem behind it is mental illness, obviously. I trust that our government is doing everything they can to fix it, one mass shooting at a time.”

With just under 200 hundred mass shootings till Christmas, Santa Claus has already received a notable amount of Christmas wishlists.

“I’ve read a few lists from kids who live in Canada and other parts of the world, but honesty I don’t even think about Americans’ gifts until the last minute, like mid-December after the kids start their winter break from school shootings, since many of them won’t make it to Christmas,” said Saint Nick. “Mass shootings may be terrible, but at least they’re consistent in the U.S., which makes it easy to prioritize the kids in other countries who don’t live among weirdos who think they’re G.I. Joe Army men.”

US officials say that the best way to avoid being shot to death in one of the 183 mass shootings before Christmas this year is to stay away from spas, movie theaters, bars, clubs, churches, mosques, synagogues, concerts, grocery stores, gyms, all public transportation, post offices, elementary schools, middle schools, high schools, colleges, restaurants, banks, every office, airports, retirement homes, everywhere outside your home and everywhere inside your home.