Punk Finishes 5K in Circle Pit
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local punk Kevin Wilder admitted he was feeling slightly fatigued after he completed a 5K race during…
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James Webster
34 stories found
“Super Convenient Laundry In Building” Located In Soul-Chilling Murder Dungeon
KINGSTON, N.Y. — Local woman Kelly Atkins is frustrated with her current apartment, as the listing promised her access to…
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Bathroom in Fancy-Pants Bar For Billionaires Has Mirror You Can See Yourself In
NEW YORK — Local punks using the bathroom of a supposed dive bar felt betrayed when they realized they could…
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The Gaslight Anthem Tour Delayed Until Band Figures Out How To Load Gear Into ‘57 Thunderbird
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Fans of The Gaslight Anthem were disappointed to learn that the band’s long-awaited reunion tour will…
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FDA Reports Teenage Use of “Cigarette” To Rhyme With “Night We Met” At Record Low
WASHINGTON — A new report from the Food and Drug Administration confirmed that the rate of teenagers rhyming the word…
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Underdog Really More of a Loser
CHICAGO — Local underdog and scrappy up-and-comer Luis Pollard could more accurately be described as a dud and a loser…
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City Declares New Park Open With Ceremonial White Guy Slacklining Between Two Trees
AUSTIN, Texas — Outdoor enthusiasts gathered today to celebrate the opening of a brand new multi-use outdoor space by watching…
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Kids Finally Decide To Have “Don’t Believe Everything You Read Online” Conversation With Parents
ST. LOUIS — Frustrated siblings, Andrea and Nino Shore, finally decided that it was time to sit their aging parents…
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Party Song Tells You How To Dance To It
SAN DIEGO — The “So-Cal Shimmy,” a brand new novelty party song, is enjoying a quick rise in popularity at…
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If I Had Known That Universal Health Insurance Meant Actually Having To Go to the Dentist I Never Would Have Become a Socialist
The history of socialism is a history of struggle. Since Bernie Sanders invented the idea around 2015, socialists everywhere have…
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