AUSTIN, Texas — Outdoor enthusiasts gathered today to celebrate the opening of a brand new multi-use outdoor space by watching a shitty-looking white guy perform a traditional slacklining ceremony, semi-enthused witnesses confirmed.
“It’s a real pleasure to have everyone here today,” said Austin Mayor Steve Alder. “It’s been a long time coming. There were moments during the construction that we never thought we’d get here. Through lots of hard work we are now able to watch these young men with below-average personal hygiene do whatever this is. Maybe they will inspire a new generation of people to drop out of improv class and start a compost pile somewhere. It is my belief as mayor that all the citizens of our fair city need somewhere to enjoy the great outdoors, and maybe have a conversation with a kind neighbor, like a young white man with dreadlocks named Tag.”
Residents, while happy about the opening of the park, were slightly confused about the opening ceremonies.
“Do they expect us all to do this? Because this looks really fucking stupid and I don’t want my bare feet touching anything those guys touched,” said Leo Guerrero. “Back in the day these kinds of ceremonies meant something. It would be a display of everything the city has to offer: there would be at least one guy in a mascot costume, you could try the food trucks before the department of sanitation shuts them down, and the police get to show that they can go an hour without killing someone. But this? Two white guys walking a tightrope between a tree? I don’t want my tax dollars going to this. Actually, I could probably make those tax dollars back by just overcharging those two for an eighth.”
Local historians confirmed, however, that slacklining has a storied place in the town’s history.
“It’s an essential part of who we are as a city,” said Jonah Osbourne, a Texas historian and small-batch IPA homebrewer. “Ever since our forefathers began to push the indigenous populations out of their homes in the name of cheaper rent, we’ve been playing hacky sack, giving unsolicited advice about psychedelics, and slacklining in public parks before going back to our exposed-brick apartments. It’s a rich tradition that goes all the way back to the central-Texas tech boom of the 1990s.”
At press time, Mayor Alder was using a pair of novelty-sized scissors to cut the slackline while the two men were walking it, sending them both crashing to the ground.