PHILADELPHIA — Local man Nathan Burke was traumatized by an onslaught of unattractive people in Fairmount Park after he took acid on a picnic blanket…
BOULDER, Colo. — A recent report conducted by a string of irritated citizens shows that the nation’s parks are already filled with assholes, dumbasses, and…
AUSTIN, Texas — Outdoor enthusiasts gathered today to celebrate the opening of a brand new multi-use outdoor space by watching a shitty-looking white guy perform…
KALAMAZOO, Mich. — The local police department issued a public service announcement this morning warning the populace to be aware of dangerous anarchist activity downtown,…
SEATTLE — Local homebody Jenny Wellmeyer experienced generalized anxiety due to the overwhelming pressure to go do something outside while the weather was absolutely gorgeous,…
BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local crust punk Johnny “Eight Fingers” Arnold awoke late Saturday afternoon to discover he had accidentally saved a park from demolition…