KALAMAZOO, Mich. — The local police department issued a public service announcement this morning warning the populace to be aware of dangerous anarchist activity downtown, where free vegan chili in the park is currently being distributed in the park.
“We received notification that unidentified persons were handing out hot food to anyone interested, no questions or proof of income or residence asked. These kinds of flagrant threats to the community can’t simply be waved away,” said Chief of Public Safety Vernon Coakley from a podium this morning. “When we allow people to do things such as freely distribute food in our communities, it hurts all of us. It hurts the small business owners nearby, and it creates issues for the public, leaving many to wonder what the whole thing is all about rather than ask one person one question.”
Concerned citizen Nimby Reagan, who lives in the condos near the park, was one of several people to call the police, informing them of the threat.
“They need to bring the boot down on these people,” she said. “They aren’t just criminals, they’re un-American. They have all sorts of little pamphlets about getting rid of prisons and the police, and they absolutely don’t have a permit to distribute that food. When we allow our children to grow up in a world where people can eat without paying, what kind of world are we creating? Not on my watch. The city needs to stomp this out now.”
A veteran and resident of the park who was served by the event organizers known as Matt C commented on the experience.
“Chili’s pretty good,” he said. “Wish they put meat in stuff, but can’t say no to a free meal. Tired of them fuckin’ chickpeas though, doesn’t nobody like chickpeas man. I think they’re all gay, or most of ‘em anyway, and I don’t really get all that shit, but whatever. They’re out here. They’re doing this work. I don’t really give a fuck who they are. People just need to fuckin be out helpin’ people, you know?”
The city has warned concerned citizens to inform them of any future threats of this nature and will keep the public informed with updates.