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Report: Park Full of Assholes Already

BOULDER, Colo. — A recent report conducted by a string of irritated citizens shows that the nation’s parks are already filled with assholes, dumbasses, and fuckheads following the warming of Spring weather, according to repulsed sources.

“This happens every year when the weather gets nice again,” explained Lenny Scarborough, trying to make the most of his quickly dwindling cigarette. “It gets warm, and bam, here come the whimsical fuckin’ park people. Everyone is blowing bubbles. The jugglers are practicing juggling their bowling pins and their swords or whatever again. Then there are the crowds of horrible teenagers, and the tightrope walkers taking up all the good trees with the best shade with their practicing. I’m not hanging out with any goddamn tightrope walkers, I’d rather be sunburned alive.”

Local park-goer and barefoot hula hooper Faun Winter reported similar findings over the various shitheads currently ruining the park.

“The park is for everyone, but these punks are grinding my gears,” Winter proclaimed. “I told one her aura was brown and she offered me a bowl of free lentils. And there’s this band who practices in the park who I can’t stand either, the brass section is huge and the sound is deafening. The families with kids I don’t mind, unless their kids come up and try to hoop with me. My hoop is custom made from precious materials to fit my body, and it’s not for children.”

Representatives from the city’s Parks and Recreation department is warning anyone who wishes to not share space with these stupid motherfuckers to stay home until temperatures become unbearably hot.

“Every year it’s a back and forth of park turf wars,” said a Parks and Recreation Department representative, who wished to remain anonymous. “The circus people hate the punks. The teenagers hate the circus people. The families with kids want everything to be family-friendly. The punks hate everyone. And don’t even get me started on the dogs and whatever other fucking animals people keep for pets nowadays. It’s an ongoing joke at this point. Just stay the fuck home. I hate my job.”