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Underdog Really More of a Loser

CHICAGO — Local underdog and scrappy up-and-comer Luis Pollard could more accurately be described as a dud and a loser to anyone who has ever spent more than 30 seconds in his presence, according to sources close to the individual.

“I was impressed by him the first time I met him,” said Aubrey Peters, a “friend, even though that’s a strong word,” of Pollard’s. “I thought wow, this guy’s got big things on the horizon, but it just seemed like he had so much to overcome. Or at least, that’s what he kept posting online, like pictures of his laptop in various coffee shops all captioned with stuff like ‘they said I’d never do it, but look at me now.’ Now that I think about it, who are ‘they?’ And what is he even trying to do?”

Many sources close to Pollard confirmed that this type of behavior is not unusual for him.

“When he first moved in he was ‘waiting for a job to start’ and he handed me a business card,” said Maxwell Rothstein, a roommate of Pollard’s. “It said he was a future CEO, but it didn’t say at what company. Just his name and ‘future CEO’ that’s all. He started talking about how ‘they said there would never be a place for a guy like me’ and how he’s ‘all about the grind’ but when I try to look over his shoulder to see what he’s working on, it’s just a jpeg of a black T-shirt in Photoshop. That’s it.”

“I feel bad saying it, but I don’t think he’s a beloved wretch-type at all, I think he just kind of sucks?” he added.

Pollard himself seemed unphased by the criticisms.

“Sure they look down on me now, but they’ll see,” said Pollard, loud enough for everyone within 60 feet of him to hear. “The odds are against me, but they’ll remember where they were when they heard. Besides, at the end of the day, what matters is where you’re going. I’m young, I’m hungry, I’ve got it all coming to me. But for real, I am hungry.”

At press time, Pollard was unavailable to comment, as he was on a business call with his parents to ask them for money.