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Crap! We Were Supposed To Review This New Restaurant but We Filled Up on Bread

The Roux Kitchen is the latest endeavor by renowned French celebrity chef Claude Tremblay and is one of the hottest fusion restaurants in the city. Located in what was once a dilapidated rubber factory, Tremblay hopes to entice eager diners with a one-of-a-kind tasting experience.

And as one of the lucky few to experience the soft opening, I can safely say that I really wished I hadn’t filled up on all their free bread before this $500 meal.

Mind you, getting a reservation for this place was next to impossible. I had to pay a guy $70 on Craigslist to take his spot so I could review this place. I don’t think my editor is going to reimburse me for that.

I mean the bread was so damn good! It must have come out of the oven like five seconds before it hit the table. Before I knew it I’d been through three loaves, but the show must go on.

First I ordered ground pork jiaozi. Each dumpling felt like a soldier trying to flashbang their way into my carb fortified stomach. The perfectly complimenting soy and ginger dipping sauce is making them go down easier. Perhaps a second wind was in my future!

Next, I scoured the menu for anything that wouldn’t make me burst like a bloated dick. I settled on the duck cabbage salad, which was served to me in a bowl as big as my head. How did I forget this place serves everything family style? My taste buds were telling me “this is immaculate,” but my stomach was telling my brain “Danger: intestinal blockage immenant.”

I tried to throw up in the bathroom, twice, but the attendant seemed like the judgemental type and I chickened out. Besides, puking your guts out in a Michelin-star chef’s restaurant isn’t a good look. With every burp, all I taste is artisanal sourdough and I began to wonder if I could force my body to throw up in small portions under the table.

Finally, for dessert I chose the salted caramel pie because if I don’t finish this write up I’ll be sent back to reviewing mosh pits. I’m sure someone who didn’t ingest nine sandwiches worth of bread would find it a delectable palette cleanser. Every bite was agony.

In summation, I am three seconds away from blowing chunks all over the maître d’ and I want to die. Though the bread is free, it will cost your dignity and sanity. Still, it beats Olive Garden.

3 stars out of 5.