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Alcoholism Family’s Only Tradition

WARRINGTON, Pa. — Local man and guy who “maybe enjoys an occasional drink, no big deal” Dennis Walsh realized yesterday that alcoholism is the only tradition passed down from generation to generation in his family.

“My son was doing a school project on his family history and one segment was dedicated to ‘Traditions,’ and for the life of me, I couldn’t think of one,” said Walsh while eating a handful of Altoids to cover the smell of alcohol on his breath. “I considered things that a bunch of my relatives have in common — for instance, most of my uncles have been thrown into stadium jail at Eagles games, and I’ve got at least two aunts on my dad’s side who have each pulled a knife on a police horse. And of course, it wasn’t until adulthood that I learned that having a ‘piss closet’ that multiple family members have drunkenly mistook for the bathroom is not normal. That’s when I realized, the common denominator in all these ‘traditions?’ Alcoholism.”

However, Walsh’s mother Marie believes her son’s concerns are overblown.

“Sounds to me like Denny is being dramatic. He’s always been an anxious boy; he just needs to have a drink and relax,” explained the Walsh family matriarch while handing us a beer before we could say, “No, thanks, we’re driving.” “When I was growing up it was just normal to have a drink while watching a baseball game, or operating a circular saw, or driving down the shore. Besides, I read a study once that alcohol is good for your heart, and I’m choosing to ignore all other studies to the contrary.”

Family friend Fran Murphy concurred following a failed intervention for the family.

“You can’t really help someone until they’ve hit rock bottom. The thing is, everyone’s rock bottom is different. And while the Walsh family’s situation may look dire to any normal, sober person, apparently they have much, much further to fall,” said Murphy. “I should have known the intervention was a mistake when I asked Denny’s older brother Matt for help and his reply was, ‘How many cases should I bring?’ I tried to maintain order, but after a while everyone was drunk and seemingly having a great time. So I just cracked open a beer and joined the fun.”

Sources say Dennis had also reached out to his distant relatives in Kentucky to ask them about their “family tradition” of producing and consuming crystal meth.