WASHINGTON — A new report from the Food and Drug Administration confirmed that the rate of teenagers rhyming the word “cigarette” with the words “night we met” has fallen to its lowest-ever rate.
“It was a decades-long process to get here, and we’ve had to fight for it every step of the way. Teenage usage hit its peak in 2004 after Blink-182 used that rhyme in ‘Feeling This.’ Every impressionable teen in America wanted to blast a cig at the skate park and get a neck tattoo. I know, I was one of them,” said Jeremy Hill, a media spokesperson for the FDA while flashing the devil horns hand gesture and sticking his tongue out. “Thankfully, the Blink albums in the 2010s kinda sucked, and even though The Menzingers have done us absolutely no favors, we seem to have things down to a couple of indie acts here and there. It’s really encouraging.”
Parents all across America were relieved by the news.
“It’s tough to raise a kid nowadays, especially because you don’t want them to make the same mistakes you did when you were growing up,” said Alisha Levin. “I remember when I was a teenager, it was totally normal to get together with your friends and write a song about smoking cigarettes on the night you met the person you planned on going steady with. Of course, I regret it now, but we didn’t know as much back then. Thankfully, not a lot rhymes with ‘beer,’ so my little Joey can’t use that one until he gets older and his vocabulary gets better.”
Teenagers don’t seem too interested in the rhyme, as it simply doesn’t fit in with their lifestyles.
“Nobody smokes anymore, so using the word ‘cigarette’ in a song wouldn’t even occur to me,” said Tyler Shannon, the songwriter for local band Teacher’s Pet’s Pet. “People want songs that reflect their own lives, they want shit that’s relatable, that’s why we always close our shows with our song ‘Vine Compilations Saved My Life.’ For that one I actually found something to rhyme with ‘Snapchat.’ Let’s see Blink-182 do that. Oh, I just did it again!”
At press time, Shannon was seen checking Rhyme Zone to confirm that “broken heart” really does rhyme with “vape cart.”