CHICAGO — Legendary scumdogs of the universe GWAR are brimming with excitement to finally meet their favorite human/musician, Alanis Morissette, when both acts take the stage at Riot Fest this September, sources close to barbaric interplanetry warriors report.
“I can barely contain my own entrails!” said GWAR frontmonster Blöthar the Berserker. “Alanis Morissette’s music has carried Blöthar through some of the most turbulent times in his life! If you only knew how many of your pathetic human lives were spared because Blöthar the Berserker decided to take a nice hot blood bath and listen to “Head Over Feet” to find his center, instead of slaughtering you all by the thousands! Should I ask her for her autograph? Maybe just some hair? No, no, Blöthar should just play it cool, right? I don’t usually get star-struck, but I’m so nervous!”
Blöthar the Berserker’s mix of excitement and trepidation seems to be shared by the entire band.
“I just can’t believe this is actually happening!” said guitarist Balsac the Jaws of Death. “‘Jagged Little Pill’ changed my life. I was going through a lot of personal stuff in the mid ‘90s, and I was sort of in this big self-louthing/depression spiral, and dammit-all those songs got me through it. That album gave me the inner strength to look at myself in the mirror and say ‘Balsac the Jaws of Death, you are enough.’ Also, force-feeding jagged little pills is low-key one of my favorite ways of killing pathetic humans! Should I wear a shirt? Christ, Balsac the Jaws of Death, keep it together, don’t overthink!”
Even the lowest rungs of GWAR’s entourage can barely contain their jubilation at the prospect of meeting their all-time favorite Canadian singer/songwriter.
“Alanis Morissette is the only good thing to come out of this toilet earth!” said a representative of the GWAR slave pit. “I am but a pathetic human slave in service of the mighty GWAR, and I’m in no position to make demands, but if I get sacrificed before I get to hear ‘Hand in My Pocket’ live, I swear to The Master I will cry!”
At press time, Alanis Morissette was seen asking handlers if wearing her ‘Violence Has Arrived’ t-shirt when she meets GWAR would be too fan-girlish.
