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My Journey: How Masturbating Helped Me Feel Less Horny By Myself

The journey I took to finally feeling happy when I’m completely alone started with a simple problem: whenever I was alone, I felt really horny and couldn’t do anything about it. And I was alone a lot.

Eventually, I decided that I needed to fix my horniness once and for all. I tried everything: exercised regularly, went keto, asked a seemingly confused doctor how to fix the problem. I even wrote down my thoughts obsessively in a journal every day and read it over and over again.

Surprisingly, none of that worked.

But then I stumbled on the solution. I was walking past a fire station and saw a bunch of firefighters sliding down the pole. It was the eureka moment I needed! I immediately ran home and bought a fire pole for my house, but I was still hornt after sliding down it 20 or 30 times. But then I thought, “Why don’t I just try doing the pole thing on my hog?”

You’ll never believe this: it worked! I did the fire pole thing to my penis with my hand (which a quick google search tells me is called “masturbating” in medical circles) and then I was less horny!

A feeling of empowerment washed over me immediately. I was no longer a prisoner to my own horniness, thanks to masturbation.

For the first time since I was probably 12, I feel like I can live my full life. I can go to the grocery store and I don’t have to avoid eye contact with the cantaloupes and cucumbers. I’m not afraid to visit the Georgia O’Keefe gallery at the art museum. Trains entering tunnels no longer give me panic attacks.

Hell, I actually watched the original Space Jam for the first time in years (I remember it being better, tbh).

So if you feel horny while alone, I can’t suggest “masturbating” highly enough. And if you don’t have a penis, you can buy a fake one at the store. I don’t know if stroking that will have the same effect, but it’s worth a shot!