Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Study Confirms Best Way to Find Work Is to Remind Interviewer Your Father Was Deceased Senator John McCain

Posted on July 15, 2021 by Dianne Nora

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new study by Harvard University confirmed the best way to secure work is to remind the person interviewing you that your father is deceased US Senator and war hero John McCain.

“Our research has found that the best way to stand out among applicants is to remind them of your many connections to the political elite,” said Terrence Morgan, lead author of the study and an expert in human behavior and the American workplace. “If you can highlight the skills on your resume with an anecdote about your days summering in Martha’s Vineyard, or showing Daddy’s ranch in Arizona to a few of the Romneys, you’ll really stand out. Even a lesser Romney will do.”

Meghan McCain, a participant in the study, confirmed that this technique worked so well, she wasn’t even asked about her qualifications before being offered her most recent job.

“I was fully prepared to discuss my previous work, but once I introduced myself as the daughter of tragically deceased presidential candidate John McCain, the HR rep didn’t even ask to hear about how efficiently I can withdraw from my trust fund,” Meghan explained. “I was expecting that I’d need to highlight some of my charitable work, like allowing toddlers to style my hair before appearing on national television, or the hours I’ve spent tirelessly perfecting my ability to talk over women of color, or even my decades of experience twisting every scenario to make myself appear to be the victim. But once the interviewer realized I was Meghan McCain, daughter of the dead Maverick himself, they offered me a TV show right on the spot.”

Cynthia Iglesias, an experienced corporate headhunter, said that the competition for top jobs is particularly stiff this year.

“Candidates need to do everything they can to stand out,” Iglesias continued, “and when we see someone like Meghan, a young woman who has been able to maintain media attention and court controversy for years, despite having virtually no recognizable skills, that application jumps right to the top of the pile. She really epitomizes America today: she isn’t very bright or talented, which tells me that in the next five years, she’ll probably be in charge.”

At press time, Morgan added that a parallel study, in which candidates told the interviewer that Lindsey Graham was their daddy, resulted in significantly fewer hires.

We Tried to Interview Eminem but Then Our Mom Said We Weren’t Allowed To Listen to Him

Posted on July 15, 2021 by Stephen Bell

Eminem is a huge figure in the rap game who is known for his impressive freestyle skills and brutally earnest lyrics. He has also attracted his fair share of controversy for his vulgarity and no-fucks-given attitude. For this reason, our mom interrupted our interview to tell us we weren’t allowed to listen to him.

The Hard Times: A pleasure to meet you Mr. Mathers. I’m glad you decided to meet with us today.

Eminem: Please, call me “Em.” But yes, I’m happy to be here. And let me say…

Our mom: I can’t believe you are deliberately disobeying my orders!

Mom?! What are you doing?? I’m trying to conduct an interview right now.

Yes, with Eminem, whom I explicitly told you that you weren’t allowed to listen to. Emphasis on explicit. His music is filled with naughty words and anti-mom hatespeak. It’s not appropriate.

I mean, maybe when I was 12 when you first told me that. But I’m 30 now and I can tell the difference between reality and entertainment. Plus, he’s not talking about all moms. Just his.

Well how do I know he won’t rub off on you and then you’ll start to hate me? Maybe that’s why you never visit or call to check on your mother. When do I get a grandchild? You don’t love me.

Mom, please. Of course I love you. Look, can we do this later?

Fine. But wait until your father hears about this.

I’m sorry about that, Em. You know how mothers can be.

My mom used to make me fake sick so she could score drugs so, no, not exactly. Do you even listen to my music?

Oh right. Do you still want to do this interview?

Do you want to lick my ball sack?

Classic Em. Still got it.

Chivalrous Show-Goer Offers Tiny Wad of Tissue Stuffed in Ear to Crying Woman

Posted on July 15, 2021 by Krissy Howard

WILMINGTON, Del. — Chivalrous show-goer and all-around class act Dustin Delgado assisted a crying woman at a show last Thursday by offering her the wad of tissue he had stuffed in his ear in lieu of earplugs, according to impressed sources.

“I ran here right after work and forgot my earplugs in my other coat, which fucking sucks ‘cause they’re the nice ones. So I had to make do and shove a wad of tissue from the bathroom in my ears,” Delgado explained. “When I headed over to the bar to ask the bartender for another water, I saw her there, just absolutely beside herself and crying, and I knew what I had to do — I know if that was my own sister or mother, I’d want someone to fish some wadded-up toilet paper out of their sweaty ears and offer it to them.”

Chelsea Schanz, the crying woman reportedly “just having a fuckin’ day,” was appreciative of the kind gesture but unimpressed.

“I was just upset and minding my own business when this dork comes up out of nowhere and pulls literal trash out of his ear and shoves it in my face,” Schanz recalled. “That alone wouldn’t have been so bad, but like, 10 seconds later he pulled out a ruler and swatted my hands with it for having my elbows up on the table. I guess it all worked out, though, because I did get to fix my mascara with all that paper he pulled out, and now I know which spoon to use for soup.”

While Schanz was left confused, some eyewitnesses applauded Delgado for his display of proper etiquette.

“It’s not every day you see a gentleman practicing good manners at a show, but when you do, you remember it,” said bartender Ross Levinson. “I haven’t seen such an act of selfless chivalry since the time this couple were about to attempt a tandem stage dive, and the guy let his lady go first. Sure, no one was paying attention and she ate shit right on the floor, but when they ran to the hospital for her broken nose, he held the door for her, and ordered her a Lyft before he went back inside to catch the headliner. They just don’t make ‘em like that anymore.”

Delgado was last seen writing a thank-you note on the wall of the venue bathroom, expressing his utmost gratitude to “Bobbi the bartender” and the crop top she was wearing.

Photo by Kevin Tit.

Review: Terror “Trapped in a World”

Posted on July 14, 2021 by Dom Turek

Hardcore legends Terror are back with their eighth album “Trapped in a World” featuring 12 rerecorded tracks from their first two albums “One with the Underdogs” and “Lowest of the Low.”

If you loved Terror’s first two albums, you’re going to be blown away by “Trapped in a World,” because it’s all the same songs. After deciding to team up mid-pandemic and rerecord tracks from their debut album “One with the Underdogs” and “Lowest of the Low,” Terror released 25 minutes of raw, unadulterated hardcore that will leave you saying “Wait, I think I’ve heard this song before.”

After doing some cursory research, I learned Scott Vogel’s address and decided to do a quick drive-by, which is pretty standard for journalists. The house was just how I imagined it, but the windows were a little hard to see through, so I let myself in the side door. The best way to get to know your subjects is to become intimate with them, and what’s more intimate than hiding in Scott Vogel’s laundry room while he feeds his dogs?

It all started back in 2005 outside of Buffalo, New York when I noticed someone ordered the same garbage plate as me. We struck up a short but intensely meaningful conversation where I learned he was the frontman for a hardcore band called Terror, and that’s when I decided to become a music journalist. Having now attended countless Terror shows and written hundreds of unpublished articles on them, I felt compelled to review their latest album, even though Nine Inch Nails’ frontman and Terror Guitarist Todd Jones has repeatedly asked me not to be within 100 yards of the band.

People will always judge what they can’t understand, which is why my friends, family and Todd Jones have distanced themselves from me over my “unhealthy obsession” with a man I “hardly know.” I still have his old Nike sweatshirt and a partial fingernail clipping I stole while he was performing in New Mexico. Would you call that hardly knowing someone? They’re just jealous because they know most of the tracks from “Trapped in a World” are about me, like “Keep Your Distance,” “Out of My Face,” and “Better off Without You.”

Every time I violate my order of protection and sneak into a Terror show, I know he’s speaking directly to me when he screams at the audience to “activate the pit” or “Kill motherfuckers and eat pussy.” As his self-appointed muse, I have duties, which is why I’ve decided to camp out in Scott’s crawl space until the time comes to talk about our future together.

10/10 xoxo’s

/**/

Stable, Loving Relationship Obliterated After Single Tarot Card Reading

Posted on July 14, 2021 by James Knapp

PITTSBURGH — Local woman Stephanie Commita’s relationship of seven years is reportedly “teetering on the brink of complete collapse” following a recent amateur tarot card reading, sources highly susceptible to suggestion confirmed.

“My friend Beth had just bought these cute new tarot cards off Etsy and I thought it would be fun to do something a little witchy. Twenty minutes later I was leaving a voicemail on my boyfriend’s phone after the Moon in reverse told me we need to talk,” explained Commita who is currently staying in her mom’s guest room for a few days while she ‘works some things out.’ “It’s like those cards were staring into my soul. I had no idea that I was ‘magnanimously unfulfilled under Uranus’ until they told me I was, or at least the little pamphlet that came with the cards told me. It’s a shame that my relationship is basically over, but if that’s what The Magician says, then who am I to argue with fate?”

Commita’s longtime partner Doug Burnstein gave his account of the events while frantically trying to freeze the couple’s joint bank account.

“It started out like a pretty normal Saturday. She left for Beth’s house and I walked over to the Y for my racquetball league. After I think the second round, I checked my phone to find a voicemail from Steph. I don’t know what ‘The Hanged Man’s halo is burning brightly’ means but I feel I made the right call bowing out of the rest of the match,” remarked Burnstein. “When I found out about the tarot cards it really just raised more questions. [Commita] has never really been the superstitious type, so it’s pretty confusing that she thinks we’re incompatible now that The Lovers came up in the past position, or whatever.”

Amateur tarot enthusiast and friend who’s just looking out for her girl, Beth Manning, gave background on Commita’s recent reading.

“I cannot control what insight one will divine from the cards. They are merely a vessel to spiritual enlightenment,” said Manning, surrounded by way too many hemp seed candles. “If the cards showed Stephanie the flaws in her otherwise solid romance, then really it only helped her to realize it on her own. That is assuming that I actually did the reading properly. I’m really more experienced with Ouija.”

At press time, Commita and Burnstein had begun couples counseling with a practitioner known only as Doctor Alligator.

Amazon Employees Plan to Sneak in Bathroom Break While Jeff Bezos in Space

Posted on July 14, 2021 by Tony Morse

NEW YORK — Local Amazon employee Jeff Baxter developed a plan to finally use the bathroom at work after reading Jeff Bezos will soon be launched into space, fellow sources who can’t hold it any longer confirmed.

“Cats away, the mice will play, if you follow me,” explained Baxter with his legs tightly crossed, yet still running full speed in order to fulfill orders. “It’s not just the bathroom breaks, either. Bezos made rules about how many times you’re allowed to blink or inhale and exhale during a shift. The higher-ups got really into limiting our breathing, probably so they could say Amazon was doing something to limit the risk of Coronavirus transmission in the workplace, but really it was part of some oxygen deprivation experiment to test how much Jeff would be able to charge for air in a few years. Anyway, with him in space we’ll no longer have to fear getting fired for making eye contact with co-workers, using our human names with each other, or for succumbing to urinary incontinence. Revolution now!”

“But I don’t know if those warehouse toilets have ever been flushed. I hope they work,” added a trepidatious Baxter.

Labor activists said this could be a watershed moment for workers trying to resist the iron-fisted rule of the world’s most ruthless same-day shipper.

“This could be a major catalyst for change. Normalizing bathroom breaks could really empower Amazon’s workforce,” said civil rights lawyer Christina Stephens. “Amazon values keeping their employees out of the bathroom so much that they developed a metric to track it. You may have heard of ‘T.O.T,’ or ‘time off task,’ but with Bezos what it actually means ‘time off toilet.’ And I’ve represented so many fulfillment center employees who just wanted to sue for a bathroom pass. Amazon typically offers to settle those lawsuits for six free months of Amazon Prime. Assholes.”

Still, the issue of Amazon’s bathroom accessibility even drew the ire of fellow despotic richling Elon Musk.

“Wait, are you telling me Bezos put his servants in warehouses that actually have bathrooms? Where they can see them? What kind of operation is that little cuck running, anyway?” said Musk while firing a gun at photos of Gavin Newsom. “But I guess this is the same guy who lets his ex-wife give away all his money. Next you’ll tell me Blue Origin facilities have First Aid Kits. No wonder SpaceX gets all the government contracts lolz.”

At press time, Amazon managers were discussing what to charge employees for toilet paper.

So-Called “Bisexual“ Hasn’t Had Sex With Perfectly Even Number of Men and Women

Posted on July 14, 2021 by Josh Klasco

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s people that lie about a sexual orientation that I don’t even really believe exists in the first place. Like, the other day, I’m chatting with this guy at a party and he tells me he’s one of them “bisexuals.” He must have seen the surprised look on my face, so he tells me, “Oh no, you’re not my type,” which kinda hurt my feelings, but we kept talking anyway.

So we keep talking and eventually I ask him, “How do ya do it?” and he goes, “How do I do what?” and I say, “You know,” and he says, “I don’t know,” so I say, “How do you maintain a perfectly even amount of male and female sexual partners so you don’t lose your status as a bisexual?”

Then he just looks at me for like 15 seconds, which is actually a pretty long time for a stranger to stare at you, and says, “Are you serious?” and I’m like, “Of course I’m serious. If you have sex with 50 men and 50 women, then you’re bi. But if you then have sex with a woman, you gotta run and get yourself some dick, otherwise you’re straight. Isn’t that exhausting?”

We get into it about how much sex with who makes you what and I swear, this fella was trying to make the simplest thing so god damned complicated! You bang six women and four dudes, straight. Six dudes and four babes? Gay. It’s not rocket science!

Somewhere around the part where I tried explaining that all virgins are asexual, the guy just blew his stack. He went off on this crazy long diatribe about Robyn Ochs and how sexuality is a representation of the sex you have/ want to have/ say you have or whatever such nonsense. Honestly I felt bad for him, being so intellectually outmatched and whatnot.

Sexual orientation isn’t about research and self discovery, it’s about picking a lane and keeping score while repeating to yourself over and over, “I enjoy this and only this, and that thing with my baseball coach was just a dream and dreams don’t mean anything.”

Finally I couldn’t take it anymore, so I tried to kiss him to shut him up. Then he freaked out and pushed me away. I knew he was straight.

First Punk Show City Has Seen in 15 Months Still Starts Three Hours Late

Posted on July 14, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A local scene’s highly anticipated return of DIY shows was once again delayed by multiple hours due to the same bullshit as always, multiple sources sitting on the floor and texting confirmed.

“Our first show back is fucking stacked, and I promise it’s going to start any minute,” said show promoter, and bassist for the opening band, David Rios. “Things are sort of in limbo right now because it turns out this place didn’t have a PA so I’ve been calling all over to find one. Plus, the guys in Spiked Punch are having van troubles. We can’t start without them because everyone on the show is using their drummer’s kit. Everyone seems to be having a good time though, lots of people are standing in a big circle in the parking lot, and one dude even brought a frisbee.”

Emma Lucas, a staple at all New Haven punk shows, admitted she was relieved to see shows returning.

“I was worried people would have changed after all this time apart. I’m comforted by the fact everyone still hasn’t gotten their shit together. We had all this time to work on ourselves, and we all chose not to. That’s why this scene is so strong,” said Lucas while browsing the sparse selections at the merch table for the seventh time. “It was just so nice to show up and watch the bands try to get 10 of their friends into the show for free by letting each one carry a different piece of equipment past the door guy. I don’t think a single person in this place actually paid to be here. It’s great to be back.”

Punks from all over the country reported similar instances of shows starting late in their local scenes.

“Our first show back was in an abandoned brewery and the cops broke it up within 15 minutes because a couple dudes were shooting fireworks onto the highway,” said Indianapolis punk Eddy Leonard. “When we were all scrambling to our cars I started to reflect on all the time I spent in quarantine, and it made me sad to think we lost an entire year of causing trouble. The night ended with everyone getting drunk in the Denny’s parking lot and I realized we finally beat this Covid shit.”

At press time, sources reported that New Haven’s first show back featured every band playing at least two Ramones covers instead of any new songs they could have written during the pandemic.

I’m the Kid Who Shouted “I Wanna Rock”in That Music Video, and I Wish I Had Apologized to My Father Before He Died

Posted on July 13, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

Hi. You don’t know me, but you probably know the child I once was. Jumping around in a bedroom. Windmilling on a Stratocaster. Spinning wildly around until I transformed into Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider. I’m the kid who shouted “I wanna rock” in that music video, and I wish I had apologized to my dad before he died.

For a lot of people, childhood is the best years of their life. Not me. Those years spent in my father’s house were full of confusion and frustration. I was so angry all the time. The generic sports pennants on my walls? It felt like they were mocking me. The cool race car poster behind my bed? I never felt like I’d be cool enough to deserve it. I felt powerless and small, and at the time, Dee Snider and shouting gave me a voice.

I won’t justify my father’s actions. But children never understand that their parents are complex, flawed figures with their own issues. Did I understand that he had been laid off from his job just the day before this fateful incident? Did I know he and my mother’s marriage was slowly dying, that he felt love slipping away from him every day? Did I get that when he shouted “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?” he was trying to connect with me but didn’t have the emotional language to?

And in a way, was I trying to reach out to him with the power of ‘80s heavy metal?

Our relationship never recovered. Things had fallen apart between us, much like Twisted Sister’s working relationship as commercial success dwindled. We never really talked about what had happened, how he spent that day being slammed into and through walls in a slapstick manner that doctors say contributed to his death a few years later. Undiagnosed internal injuries.

When I think back on my dad, I don’t think about the screaming and him falling through a window, only to have a bucket of water poured on him. I think about how I could have reached out, how I could have apologized for telling him that I wanted to rock. I could have told him I loved him.

And remember, when you shout “I wanna rock!” in the heat of the moment, someday you’ll be shouting…I want my dad back.

First Crew Pic Back from COVID Decidedly Uncool

Posted on July 13, 2021 by Dan Luberto

PHILADELPHIA — A local hardcore crew embarrassed themselves publicly after posting an incredibly weak crew pic, their first since COVID restrictions were lifted, multiple sources trying to stifle laughter confirmed.

“We should have deleted it right away, and we definitely shouldn’t have captioned it ‘Fuck with us and end up six feet deep.’ We look dumb as fuck right now,” said Derrick Walker, reflecting on the terrible photo. “We used to look tough as hell before the pandemic, but we all gained weight and lost a lot of muscle mass. Look, these are the softest hardstyles I’ve ever seen. None of us look even remotely hard. We sort of look like accountants dressed as ‘tough guys’ for Halloween.”

With shows back and in full swing, hardcore kids across the country making up for lost time by taking crew pics may be doing more harm than good for their friend group.

“I feel bad saying this because I know the past year and a half has been hard on everyone, but come on guys. First, you can tell they are all winded in the photo. And second, one of them is smiling like a goober. Tough people don’t smile, they grimace,” said Reba Baker who came across the photo on Instagram after the exact same photo had been posted by at least six of the people pictured. “And the icing on the cake is that most of them don’t even seem to know where the camera is. It looks more like a drunken family photo from a bad wedding, and not so much a group of intimidating thugs you don’t want to bump into late at night.”

Crew Pic Expert Erick Chaves weighed in offering his decades of experience both taking and posing in crew pics since the late ‘80s.

“The fact that there was no communication here whatsoever exhibits such a lack of vision it honestly makes me cringe to even call it a crew pic,” said Chaves. “It’s all wrong, it has none of the makings of a solid crew pic, not one person is holding a weapon, or throwing up an ironic gang sign. I don’t even see a single person with their arms crossed. It’s a slap in the face to all the self-respecting crews out there.”

At press time, members of the crew were seen talking with police hoping to recover a beanie that was stolen from them by a group of teenagers on scooters.

Hardcore legends Terror are back with their eighth album “Trapped in a World” featuring 12 rerecorded tracks from their first two albums “One with the Underdogs” and “Lowest of the Low.”

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