“Ass Guy” Considers Himself Part of LGBTQ Community

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Self described “ass-guy” Greg Barker considers his preference for women’s asses over their breasts as admission as a member of the LGBTQ community, universally stumping everyone who knows anything about the spectrum of sexuality.

“It feels so good to be open and out about my sexuality,” Barker said in a 3,000 word Facebook post about the subject. “Growing up, I always knew something was different about me. All my friends were into titties, but not me — I was one hundo percent about the ass. And don’t get me wrong, I like boobs too… but I guess that makes me bisexual. Ass and titties all day, with a preference for ass. You know, as long as it’s completely devoid of hair, and on a lady.”

Barker’s friends and family have been widely accepting of his new identity. Barker’s mother, Claudia Barker, has been especially outspoken about it.

“I know it must have been incredibly difficult for him to come out to us, but we’re all very supportive of Greggie and we love him no matter what. Whether he’s into boobs, butts, legs, or feet, he’s still our son,” Claudia Barker said. “I’m so happy that he’ll finally have new LGBTQ spaces and friends who understand his unique worldview: that there’s nothing better than watching a fat booty ass-clap.”

Despite many in Barker’s social circle praising him for his openness, he has also drawn some criticism — including from activist Shari Mitchell, who disagreed about his status as part of the LGBTQ community.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no?” said Mitchell. “This is… this is not true? Like, I’m not trying to gatekeep being gay, but you’re not queer for liking women’s butts more than boobs. Am I losing my fucking mind here? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had friends who enjoyed ‘Queer as Folk’ when I was a teenager and they thought that made them ‘gay-ish.’ Just fucking stop. Everyone stop.”

Barker was last seen at a local lesbian bar, hoping to pick up chicks.

How To Stop Battling Depression and Start Tricking It Into Thinking It Won

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Depression is brutal. Many of us try to fight it by exercising, meditating, or even going to extreme measures like eating a vegetable. But as we all know, that shit doesn’t work. We tried fighting our depression and that failed spectacularly, so let’s just lie down and play depressed for a while and see if it’ll go away.

You may think this is easier said than done, and you’re absolutely right! Depression is really good at nagging and will often say things like, “You’re no good, so stop trying.” What a pessimistic dick, right? Maybe try giving ‘Big D’ a little eye roll that says, “You got me, dude. I’ll stop writing my science fiction novel and stare at the wall for the rest of the day.”

This might actually be enough to make it think it temporarily won. In which case, you’ve got the next hour to yourself at least. However, don’t be alarmed if it stays put. Actually, it probably will. Depression is kind of like the last guy at your party who just doesn’t get the hint that it’s time to leave, but then you realize you didn’t even invite this guy to begin with and he’s going to live here forever if you don’t trick him into leaving.

If that’s the case, you need to kick it up a notch and try gaslighting it. Sure, it’s unethical, but this is an insidious disorder we’re talking about. Fight fire with fire! Also, have you tried fighting your depression with fire?

Just remember there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to making your depression think it won. Mix and match your techniques to see what works best for you. And don’t be embarrassed to seek professional counseling. There are tons of therapists out there who are well-equipped to help you avoid dealing with this problem.

Paparazzi Devastated to Learn Britney Has Been Exploited for Years Without Them Monetizing It

Posted on by Dianne Nora

LOS ANGELES — Members of the paparazzi are reportedly devastated to learn that popstar Britney Spears was being exploited for years through a conservatorship, without their having the opportunity to monetize her suffering, reports confirmed.

“I’ve been crying and shaking all day, just thinking of what she’s been through and how much money we could have made,” said Chad Collins, a photographer for TMZ, who has been following Spear’s career for more than two decades. “When I heard that Britney had an unwanted IUD in her body, against her will, I felt sick to my stomach. Thinking of the children she could have had, and how we could have hounded them and sexualized them from their earliest years… It’s just devastating. I could have bought a second house.”

Members of the mainstream press are allegedly also beside themselves upon hearing news of Ms. Spears’ continuing abuse and their inability to look down on her pityingly.

“It’s harder than ever to get clicks these days, and practically everyone has figured out ways to get around our paywalls,” sobbed Kelly Mondrian, a culture columnist for the Washington Post. “We’ve been covering stories on local artists and virtual unknowns, when we could have been exploiting the Princess of Pop. We did run a few articles on her: an edgy think piece that subtly implied she brought about her own downfall by garnering too much male attention, and a lacerating review of her Las Vegas show that body shamed her for no longer looking like a 15-year-old. If people knew how much Britney was suffering through all of that, it would have really driven some traffic to our site.”

Sarah Jacobs, a media analyst for the Columbia Journalism Review, agreed that the news on Spears’ abuse might have been a great boon for the struggling journalism industry.

“Trends indicate that when we see someone like Britney Spears, a pop figure at her prime in the late 1990s and early 2000s, consumers feel driven to any stories that show that figure struggling,” Jacobs explained. “Nothing satisfies American consumers like a beautiful young woman falling from grace. If you add in the tragic element that the offender seems to be Spears’ father, and the deeply disturbing sexual angle that he had insisted upon birth control against her will, the American public would not have been satisfied until they’d heard every detail.”

At press time, Collins remarked that he was trying to see the positive side of the news, adding, “At least people seem to be ignoring all the shitty things we did to her fifteen years ago.”

How I Became a TV Owner Under 30

Posted on by Laura Merli

First of all, I don’t want this to come across as bragging. But for me, personally, becoming a TV owner under 30 was an investment for my future. Sure this purchase may seem frivolous now, but this baby is much more than a 32-inch conversation piece. It’s a status symbol few my age can boast. It represents the hope of a better life. Plus it has those red, yellow, and white cables so I can plug in my N64.

That doesn’t mean my decision was easy. It took a lot of hard work, scrimping, and saving to fulfill my dreams of owning this Panasonic at such a young age. First, I developed an understanding of the market by googling ‘TVs.’ Next, I went to a ton of TV open houses. Best Buy had the best selection, but my neighbor’s house had better hours because I also googled ‘bolt cutters.’

From my research, I learned I’d need at least $200 as not to compromise on the factors that were important to me, like not buying it from a sketchy stranger in a parking lot. Then, I ruthlessly budgeted my money. I stopped going out to eat, made coffee at home, and didn’t buy any new clothes, even from very tempting, personalized Instagram ads.

Since all this saving required an initial investment of groceries, a latte machine, and non-trendy clothing that I could wear for long periods of time, by the end of the month I had only saved $15. I got creative though and spent the $15 on a poster board and glitter markers, made a vision board of flat-screen TVs, and meditated in front of it, visualizing myself watching my very own TV.

Then I called my dad and asked to borrow $200. At first he was like, “no” but when I said it was for something very important and that it could be an early birthday present he was all, “sure.”

Though my journey was arduous and complicated, I’d still recommend that everyone my age become TV owners. You too can have the peace of mind that comes from knowing that if anything were to go wrong, you have an asset you could pawn.

2021 Calendar Shows Christmas Only 183 Mass Shootings Away

Posted on by Literally A Koala

UNITED STATES — 2021 calendars across the country report that Christmas is only 183 mass shootings away, sources who are counting down the days from under desks at school and while randomly running errands confirmed.

“Christmas is my favorite holiday!” said Kyle Mattis of Brookfield, Wisconsin. “Whenever I get depressed about how many Americans are going to be shot in the face between now and December 25th, I simply focus on the things I love about the holidays: decorating the tree, opening presents and spending time with the family members who’ve not yet been murdered by a gun. It really helps me get into the Christmas spirit! After all, Christmas only comes once every 365 mass shootings.”

Some people have their reservations about using mass shootings to track the calendar year.

“Okay I get that it’s both easier and cheaper to buy an AR-15 and shoot up a school than it is to get an abortion in this country, and that there are gun deaths every single day, but this is a pretty fucked up way to measure time,” said Dustin Frazier, a truck driver from Houston, Texas. “The real problem behind it is mental illness, obviously. I trust that our government is doing everything they can to fix it, one mass shooting at a time.”

With just under 200 hundred mass shootings till Christmas, Santa Claus has already received a notable amount of Christmas wishlists.

“I’ve read a few lists from kids who live in Canada and other parts of the world, but honesty I don’t even think about Americans’ gifts until the last minute, like mid-December after the kids start their winter break from school shootings, since many of them won’t make it to Christmas,” said Saint Nick. “Mass shootings may be terrible, but at least they’re consistent in the U.S., which makes it easy to prioritize the kids in other countries who don’t live among weirdos who think they’re G.I. Joe Army men.”

US officials say that the best way to avoid being shot to death in one of the 183 mass shootings before Christmas this year is to stay away from spas, movie theaters, bars, clubs, churches, mosques, synagogues, concerts, grocery stores, gyms, all public transportation, post offices, elementary schools, middle schools, high schools, colleges, restaurants, banks, every office, airports, retirement homes, everywhere outside your home and everywhere inside your home.

We Sat Down With a Libertarian Because We Didn’t Know

Posted on by Dan Rice

Alternative journalism makes for strange bedfellows, that’s just the way it goes. But every now and then it puts you face to face with someone so deplorable, all you can do is try to get the fuck out of there with your sanity intact.

When we heard that Portland-based radio station intern Trevor McCorvey had made it his personal mission to own every cassette tape copy of Marcy Playground’s hit single “Sex and Candy,” we thought he was the right kind of annoying and decided to interview him. Little did we know that behind the smokescreen of quirkiness lay a true monster.

THE HARD TIMES: Trevor, how many cassette copies of “Sex and Candy” do you currently own?

TREVOR MCCORVEY: After today’s big win on eBay, I’m up to 43.

Oh. Hmm.

What? Do you know someone who owns more cassette copies of “Sex and Candy” than that?

No! No, I don’t. It’s just ah, from your email I thought it would be a more sizable collection.

What is this, a date?

Well, that’s 43 more than any of our readers probably have! Walk us through the hunting process. How do you go about tracking down something so niche?

About half of my tapes come from eBay, but I’m always more satisfied when I find a “Sex and Candy” in the wild, so to speak. Especially when I snag one at a garage sale, because that way Uncle Sam doesn’t see one goddamned red cent of it, know what I mean?

Uh, sure.

That’s the dark side of the whole thing, really. Every time I have to fork over six hard earned pennies on a 99-cent “Sex’nCandy” I just worked my ass off digging out of the bargain bin, I die a little inside. That’s not how this country was supposed to work.

Uh, yeah, taxes are annoying.

You said it friend! Oh, your lips to God’s ears. That’s why I’m a Libertarian!

Ah.

What followed after that was a game of cat and mouse, if the cat’s goal was to prevent the mouse from gracefully leaving a conversation. Every excuse we made to pack up and leave, he somehow used as a launching pad for Libertarian talking points!

Shit, I just remembered it’s my Dad’s birthday. I gotta run.

Is he a land owner? You should build him a tool shed, and you shouldn’t need some bullshit permit to do it either, because that’s your land!

Well, if I don’t catch the next bus I’m kind of screwed so I should get going.

Oh I bet! Yeah that’s because TriMet has got you by the balls, my friend. If this country actually had a free market you would have options. People are such sheep thinking they lose out when municipalities become privatized, it’s the biggest scam in the world!

Hey you know what, I’m feeling pretty light-headed. I think I should go to the hospital.

Oh, I hope you brought your Fuhrer Obama health card with you! Honestly, the whole idea that healthcare is a right is completely absurd. Maybe if poor people didn’t have access to healthcare they wouldn’t have so many babies, am I right?!

In the end, I had to make up some bullshit about needing to get to a town hall meeting and stop the city from offering low-cost prenatal vitamins to low-income pregnant women. That didn’t stop him from finding me on Facebook and tagging me on a bunch of Ron Paul memes with comments like “as per our conversation.” What a disgrace. I never thought I would say this in my life, but I expect more from a “Sex and Candy” super-fan.

Hardcore Frontman Trying to Write More Profound Lyrics Settles for Brotherhood, Unity

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Torn Down frontman Benny Lawrence attempted to write lyrics tackling some of society’s most pressing issues, but instead settled on brotherhood and unity for the 75th straight time, confirmed sources who were absolutely not surprised.

“I wanted to write an album that expresses my thoughts on masculinity, having to deal with aging parents, and income inequality across race and gender. But I realized that nobody would sing along to any of that,” said Lawrence. “The guys in my band are writing some of the heaviest breakdowns in hardcore. I can’t let them down by writing lyrics that make people stop and think. I ended up writing 12 songs about how my friends are always there for me, and how my crew is my chosen family. People are going to go off once they hear these tracks.”

Lawrence’s bandmates admitted they were floored by some of the lyrics their front man came up with.

“We were playing through the song ‘Thicker Than Water’ and when he said ‘stay true to what you do, nobody can fuck with our crew,’ I had to stop and give him a round of applause. I don’t know how he thinks of this stuff,” said the band’s drummer Marty O’Leary. “I think he might be one of the greatest minds in hardcore. I don’t know any other frontmen who are able to express these complex emotions, like loving your friends, and being there for each other no matter what. Oh, and never letting a friend down. That’s important.”

Fans of Torn Down were happy to hear the band was not writing anything that could be described as “the most thoughtful album in the band’s history.”

“There are only like four topics I care about, and all of them have to do with my friends being loyal to each other. If I wanted to listen to something that made me think then I’d throw on some Joe Rogan,” said hardcore fan Eli Krause. “I can usually tell when a band is going soft as soon as they stop using skulls in their cover art, or even worse, when they put an acoustic song at the end of the album. I just want hardcore to stay the exact same forever, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

Lawrence further excited fans by announcing an additional EP that is expected to tackle the topics of betrayal and sellouts.

Review: Quicksand “Distant Populations”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

The all-mighty Quicksand are back with their fourth full-length album spanning their 31-year career. It’s their second with Epitaph and the album is another post-hardcore work of art from the New York legends.

Before I get to the full review of this album I would just like to take a moment to address the terrible service I recently had at Prince Seafood Buffet in Los Angeles.

As soon as I walked in they started screaming at me to put shoes on. Sorry, I forgot my fucking shoes at my apartment. I had just come off a long day of listening to new releases and I just wanted to relax a bit. My shoes got left at home, and I stepped on a sharp rock in the parking lot so my foot was kind of bloody, sue me. These pricks didn’t even have a pair of shoes they could loan me. I had to go back to my car and duct tape a couple of old t-shirts around my feet to make a makeshift sandal, and finally, they allowed me to enter their precious restaurant.

They scoffed at me when I told them I would be eating alone. I informed them that I’m a respected music journalist and often that makes friendships difficult. After what seemed like four hours of explaining my profession I was finally given a plate and allowed to eat. But as soon as I started grabbing handfuls of lobster, crab, shrimp, and clams they started yelling at me again to use the utensils, and that they have “Covid-19 protocols” that I’m “directly violating.” The stress of this gave me a nose bleed and I accidentally bled over a lot of the buffet. What pissed me off was the fact that they tried to charge me for all the food I “ruined.” I’m sorry, but if I don’t eat it then I don’t pay for it.

When I was finally allowed to eat my food I had a slight allergic reaction. Yes, I’m allergic to shellfish, and yes my face swells up to twice it’s normal size anytime I eat lobster, but it tastes so fucking good. None of the staff would jab me with an EpiPen, so I had to do it myself before I passed out and asphyxiated. I kept explaining to management that I know a couple of the guys from The National and that I’m fine to continue eating, but they kicked me out anyway.

I’m giving Prince Seafood Buffet 0 stars, and I’m giving this new Quicksand album 5 out of 5 delicious lobsters.

/**/

Emerging COVID Variant Eager to Get out of Town for the Weekend

Posted on by Dianne Nora

MILWAUKEE — An emerging COVID variant is reportedly optimistic about municipalities dropping their mask mandates across the county and excited to get out of the city for a weekend in the countryside, confirmed cells being destroyed by the virus.

“I just feel like I’ve met everyone there is to meet here, ya know? It’s going to feel so good to get back out in the world and see how quickly I can get it shut down again,” said the variant, which is allegedly deadlier and more contagious than any previously identified strain in the region. “There are only so many breweries and bars you can tear through before you start realizing how tiny this city is. After so much time being stuck in one place, I’m just really looking forward to meeting some new lungs.”

Another COVID-variant, which emerged in Brazil earlier this year, agreed that the easing of travel restrictions has really helped it get out of its shell.

“Before the social restrictions had been lifted, when it was impossible to travel and no one was really going out, I was feeling extremely desperate. I wasn’t sure how I was going to go on infecting large groups of people,” said P.1. “Ever since I mutated, I wanted to make my way to the United States. I’d love to see New York, or maybe hit some beaches in Los Angeles. Once I knew I’d be able to get out of my dull routine and really connect with people somewhere with very few respirators and only a few beds in the ICU, I felt a new lease on taking life.”

Epidemiologist Corinne White, an expert in developing diseases, explained that deadly infections need a particular mix of environment and population to thrive.

“In our rush to save lives, many experts have failed to consider the mental health of these infectious diseases,“ White noted. “As vaccine use rises in many communities, and practices are put in place to curb the spread, many diseases are denied the opportunities they need to blossom emotionally. We’ll never see the sort of rampant, devastating outbreaks that we’ve come to expect if these variants aren’t allowed to explore the world beyond their hometowns.”

At press time, the variant said it was making plans for a cruise and hoping to attend at least two music festivals before the end of the year.

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