Alright, my panicked pals, LOCK IN because it’s time to learn a panic attack hack that your therapist and psychiatrist don’t want you to know. Do they have valid reasons because it’s probably bad for your mental health in the long run and also medically inadvisable? Sure, but we’re not living in some utopia where we can actually get our prescriptions filled in a timely manner and breathing techniques actually work because the worst thing about our day is some light traffic. We live in a world of death and destruction, and that sometimes calls for the Send It option. I’m going to teach you how to speedrun your panic attack using cold brew and old weed so you can get it over and done with in time for Love Island.
Listen, we’d all love it if there were some quick hack for actually stopping a panic attack other than a big ass Xanax, but whether CVS rudely told you it’s too soon to refill your prescription or you’re off it because you were way too on it, chamomile and breathwork aren’t cutting it. Sometimes the best bet is to just go max anxiety to get it over with faster.
You’re going to want the most concentrated cold brew you can find with no ice and no sugar. The goal is not enjoyability; it’s to make yourself have so much anxiety you circle back around to not caring. Next, you’re going to find some old weed you forgot was in the back of your nightstand. No, don’t use the fresh shit you just picked up. That’s for your ‘me time’ later. Right now, we’re trying to knock on the door of mild psychosis. Chug the cold brew, light up the old weed, and pull up “Clown Quartet” on YouTube for good measure. Sure, you increase your risk of a heart attack, but technically that would also bring relief.
You’ve got this. You’ll be so anxious you transcend space and time and enter The Blissful Unknowing in no time.
Best of luck, and please do not blame me if you end up in the hospital.
