HANOVER, Germany — Klaus Meine, longtime frontman of the popular hard rock band Scorpions, announced that he is now only able to rock you like a severe tropical storm, distressed sources confirm.
“I’m getting along in years, and a severe tropical storm is the best I can do,” Meine said sheepishly. “I had the best years of my life rocking you like a hurricane, but I’m almost 80 at this point. I hate to disappoint our fans, but I’ve been in this band since 1969. There are countless hours of video evidence of audiences being rocked by my cyclone-esque performances all over the world. People are just going to have to turn to those if they’re in the mood to be rocked to that designated level of preference, and cut me some slack if they come out to any upcoming Scorpions concerts.”
Scorpions guitarist Rudolf Schenker empathized with his friend’s plight.
“People don’t understand how difficult it is to keep our rocking at hurricane levels of magnitude, night after night, for decades on end,” Schenker explained. “Sure, when we released that song in 1984, we were in our mid-30s and fully capable of keeping up that kind of intensity, but the rock and roll lifestyle can wear down on you with time. I support Klaus in his plight, and will be right next to him on stage as he bravely rocks our audiences to a level that hasn’t quite reached the power necessary to register on the Saffir Simpson Hurricane Wind Scale, and I hope our listeners are open-minded enough to understand that he’s trying his best.”
Scorpions fan Ben Colefield was enraged at the news.
“Is he fucking kidding me?” Colefield spat. “I own every Scorpions album, and pay top dollar to see them every time they play Chicago, and this is how they repay me? It was one thing when they stopped playing ‘Sails of Charon’ live, because you can’t have anyone but Uli Jon Roth playing that killer intro solo, but the least they can do is play their hits like they always have. Their ticket prices better reflect the fact that they’re no longer going to be rocking me to a degree akin to that of Andrew hitting Dade County in 1992, or I won’t be in attendance.”
At press time, the band had announced they would now be playing “Breeze of Change” at their live shows.
