Emotional Support Dog Not Accepting New Patients

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Highly sought-after emotional support golden retriever Dr. Buttons Wigglesworth was reportedly not accepting new patients due to unusually high demand for her services, sources forced to look elsewhere for their four-legged support needs confirmed.

“All the hard work I kind of put in to exploit her healing properties for profit is finally paying off,” said Buttons’ trainer Carly Robbins while aggressively telling strangers not to touch her fur because she’s not the kind of pup you can just pet for free. “After Psychology Today named Buttons one of 2021’s ‘Therapy Animals to Watch,’ demand completely skyrocketed and we were overwhelmed with new patients. I’m currently considering adding a second or maybe even a third dog to the therapy roster and becoming my own for-profit emotional support animal clinic. Stay tuned.”

Those who needed immediate support were disappointed to be turned away.

“It’s incredibly difficult to find a therapeutic animal that’s covered by my insurance because evidently if it doesn’t directly benefit the pharmaceutical industry monetarily these companies won’t go near it,” said Shane Gramburg before reading reviews of available therapy animals in his area. “My last two emotional support animals didn’t quite work out. One was a cat who quite honestly seemed more depressed than me. The other was an emotional support peacock who apparently wasn’t allowed on domestic or international flights. Had to find that out the hard way. Do you have any idea what it’s like to abandon your therapy peacock at TSA? I just hope that little guy is doing well in his new forever home at Terminal B.”

Experts weighed in on the effectiveness and availability of animal-centered therapy options.

“Emotional support animals are a fantastic way to relieve anxiety because it’s nearly impossible to feel stressed while rubbing your hands on a dog’s face and saying, ‘Who’s a good boy?’ enthusiastically,” claimed psychologist Anne Bakersfield. “It’s just too bad that regular layman animals don’t provide the same level of support. In a perfect world, all species would naturally serve humans for every emotional need for free. It’s literally the least they can do for all the things we’ve done for the animal kingdom as a whole throughout history.”

At press time, Buttons’ trainer announced that they were creating a Headspace-like app where the dog would conduct guided meditations for as little as $9.99 per month.

CDC Says Vaccinated Persons Now Safe to End Stagnant Relationships

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced earlier this week that fully vaccinated people may safely end the lame-ass relationships they were too chickenshit to pull the plug on all last year, relieved sources report.

“Whether you stuck it out because of some splitting-the-rent situation, or you just didn’t have it in you to put your thirsty ass back on Tinder before you knew you could do so without getting your entire family sick, we’re happy to report that fully vaccinated persons can now safely leave the dead weight sacks of shit they’ve been sleeping next to for the last 15 months,” said CDC spokesperson Jennifer R. Cleveland, MD. “We probably could have made this announcement several weeks ago, but it’s officially summer and flights to Miami are actually pretty cheap right now, so you’re welcome.”

Millions around the country were elated to receive the news that the horrifying ordeal of realizing they’ve settled for someone who hasn’t gone down on them since three birthdays ago is finally over.

“I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through this last year with Paul right there by my fucking side the entire time, just breathing like how he does, but I kept my head in the game and my vibrator full of batteries, and here we are,” said Biloxi, Mississippi resident Karla Pickens. “I can’t wait to get back together with my friends and immediately start obsessing over someone whose texts are impossible to interpret.”

While many are relieved to hear the news, some people are experiencing the anxiety of finally leaving their bullshit relationships and returning to the world as before.

“This whole time I’ve been dreaming of the day I could dump my boyfriend and be single for a while and just take some time for myself,” said Madison, Wisconsin resident and self-proclaimed “codependent mess” Ryan Tan. “But now that the time is here, I remember how awkward it can be going out in public by myself or eating dinner by myself or just generally being in my own company with no one to project my insecurities and unresolved trauma onto. I just don’t know if I’m ready to start being miserable alone again.”

At press time, the CDC made a new announcement claiming that persons left by their former partners are now safe to turn the notifications back on for texts from their side pieces.

Honesty, Listening, and Shared Interests: How To Avoid These Relationship Killers

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Relationship killers are everywhere. Love is a battlefield and it’s littered with landmines. Say one wrong thing and you’ll find yourself in a passive-aggressive argument staring down the barrel of one hell of a long night. So much for re-watching The Sopranos.

So how do we avoid these relationship destroyers? In the course of a healthy union it’s typical for couples to cultivate a sense of honesty, practice listening, and develop shared interests. While there are countless relationship killers to be aware of, those are widely considered the big three. Here’s how you can avoid the honesty/listening/self interests trap:

Honesty – This one is both the most straightforward and also the easiest to maintain. You know the truth, right? Okay, well just say the opposite of that. All the time. Look, your partner is smart. So when they ask you for your thoughts on some dumb thing that they know you have no interest in, they’re just setting you up to say the wrong thing in hopes of starting a fight. You may think they value your thoughts, but the truth is they’re just setting up the pieces on the chessboard of lies that is this relationship. But you know better. You’re a goddamn Grand Master at their sinister game. Once the puppet, now the puppeteer. You pull all the strings. See? Problem solved! Just don’t ever tell the truth or else it might put this wonderful relationship at risk.

Listening – Cutting out honesty is a good start, but that will only solve half your problems as that just takes care of the dumb shit you say. But what about all the dumb shit your partner says? Listening to that horseshit is a ticking time bomb they planted in your brain, which they may attempt to set off in the middle of an office party or family wedding. To prevent the other half of your fights, stop listening to anything they say. You can nod and agree, but for the sake of your relationship, it’s best that you don’t comprehend any of it.

Shared Interests – Finally we come to the silent relationship killer, shared interests. So you found something that makes you happy outside of your relationship? Good for you! However, you broke rule one when you told your partner how happy it made you, and then you broke rule number two when you listened to them say they want to try it with you next time. Well, guess what? It’s their interest, now. You fucked up. Go find another hobby that no one in their right mind would subject themselves to. Maybe open mic comedy.

Class Action Lawsuit Filed Against Bands Who Place New Songs on Greatest Hits Albums

Posted on by John Danek

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Multiple residents of California filed a class action lawsuit against any bands who included new material on a “Greatest Hits” compilation album, a lawyer representing the group announced.

“I’m proud to represent the countless American citizens and people around the world that are victimized by this insidious practice perpetrated by some of the most powerful artists and labels in the music industry,” explained lawyer Keith Hill. “This heinous crime has been committed in plain sight for far too many years; it’s time for Social Distortion, ZZ Top, Ace of Base, and countless others to pay for their transgressions. Van Halen put two new songs on their ‘Best Of,’ so we seek double the compensation from them. Our message is clear: you will not get away with this, and music consumers are sick of it. We want the hits.”

Fans who have devoted time, money, and effort into supporting their favorite bands wondered how musicians can sleep at night after committing such acts of deceit.

“I’ve been a My Chemical Romance fan since the ‘I Brought You My Bullets’ era, so imagine my surprise when I bought their ‘May Death Never Stop You’ compilation for my daughter,” stated diehard MCR fan Ophelia Smith. “It was her first CD. I explained how important the band is to my life, but when we popped the CD in, it played some bullshit new song with the Reggie & the Full Effect guy on keys. My daughter laughed in my face and put Post Malone back on. This was my chance to finally connect with her. The album art clearly states ‘Greatest Hits 2001-2013,’ not ‘Greatest Hits and One Throwaway Song That Shouldn’t Have Made It Past Demos.’ My Chem and Reggie & the Full Effect fans deserve better.”

Music industry insiders speculated on why bands commonly insist on including one new song of weaker material in compilations that should otherwise only show the strongest moments of their career.

“You have no idea what kind of discussions, fights, and threats are made in the deliberations for choosing a greatest hits track listing,” explained legendary band manager Thomas Cromwell. “I had to literally pull Keith Richards off Mick Jagger when discussing songs to include on the ‘Forty Licks’ comp. So new tracks are usually suggested as a peace offering for whoever didn’t get their lame deep cut included. We had to add four new tracks on that one to get everyone to calm down, and I solidified my place in hell in the process.”

The Supreme Court is already expected to weigh in on a heavily contested case that will determine whether or not live versions of songs can also be included on greatest hits compilations.

Elite Team of Mercenaries No Match for Alcoholic Ex-Patrolman Turned Security Guard

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — A mercenary team of ex-special forces, KGB, and other trained combatants attempting to take an entire gala event hostage were single-handedly defeated by a disgraced ex-cop who was working security that day, officials confirmed.

“Not really sure what happened. One minute my boss is chewing me out for showing up hungover again, and the next minute I’m kicking the shit out of these army guys,” stated the guard, former NYPD detective Jim Hamilton. “These were some bad ass dudes too, like one of them said something about being an ex-Navy Seal and their leader was a trained assassin or something? But, yeah, I fucking rocked it man. At one point I fought off seven at once and all I had for a weapon was my flashlight and a lighter. Those guys had a ton of guns and I still won, it was a good day.”

Several of the surviving hostages expressed their gratitude, but were quick to admit they didn’t think Hamilton had much of a chance.

“To be perfectly honest, I thought we were kind of fucked when this security guard popped his head out of an air vent and said he would handle the situation,” remarked former hostage Lisa Allard. “The guard was just horribly out of shape and reeked of cheap booze, and these mercenaries were really buff and had no problem wiping out some of my bodyguards — who were ex-Mossad, I might add. They had assault rifles and bombs, and he only had a glock or something. I guess those hold more bullets than I realized because I don’t think he had to reload once.”

Former police associates of Hamilton concurred with the initial suspicions of the hostages.

“I was pretty surprised to say the least. Jim was kicked off the force 10 years ago after getting drunk and driving his squad car into a stock car race. He tried to pull over the drivers and eventually fired two shots into the crowd,” said former partner Steve Hannigan. “Someone told me he even defused a couple bombs during the crisis. Which completely floored me, because Jim wasn’t on the bomb squad. I mean, how could he be? The guy drank so goddamn much he had the shakes like crazy. He couldn’t even aim his gun properly 90 percent of the time.”

At press time, Hamilton found himself forced to take on another team of mercenaries who had hijacked the train he was taking to see his ex-wife.

Hero Status Revoked After Server Forgets Side of Mayonnaise

Posted on by Dom Turek

ASHEVILLE, S.C. — A frontline food service worker was stripped of her hero and esteemed “essential” status after forgetting to bring a side of mayonnaise to one of her tables late yesterday evening, disappointed customers confirmed.

“I knew she was going to forget,” said Jackie Hines, a patron at The Rusty Knot Cafe who was recently forced to eat her truffle fries without mayonnaise. “Three weeks ago the same waitress forgot to bring me an extra side of Sriracha ranch for my immunity power bowl, so my standards weren’t incredibly high, but a little quality control would be nice if she expects me to leave a decent 10 percent tip. I truly cannot understand why finding good help is so hard these days.”

As America reopens its public venues with little to no COVID restrictions, essential workers are under increased scrutiny by those who revered them as heroes just months ago.

“Our 15 minutes are up,” said disgraced hero Rosa Carr, picking up discarded chicken wing bones from under a table. “Realizing that all that stands between heroism and villainy is one ramequin of off-brand mayonnaise really makes you understand how fleeting fame is. I knew the whole hero thing was over three weeks ago when someone tipped me with an expired Bed Bath and Beyond coupon. Good to be back to normal.”

Hordes of people are returning to restaurants, desperate to engage in normal activities again, like meeting up with colleagues for an after-work drink or chastising servers for perceived offenses.

“I think the whole hero thing has gone far enough,” said hedge fund manager Daniel Ashe. “Would a hero refuse to charge my phone behind the bar, or tell me they can’t make huevos rancheros because the kitchen stopped serving breakfast four hours ago? I don’t think so. Let’s just get back to the way things were and keep the praise for the real heroes, like Rocky Balboa and Wolverine.”

At press time, patrons of The Rusty Knot had banded together to disgrace another server for giving a customer too much ice in their Diet Coke when they’d specifically asked for “light ice.”

Quiz: Would You Like To Send a Crash Report You Little Bitch?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Uh oh, it looks like Windows has encountered an error, and will need to restart. Boy, this couldn’t have come at a worse time for you could it? I bet you’re as mad as hell right now, aren’t you? I bet you’re frantically clicking all around this window, smashing ctrl+alt+delete, doing anything you can think of that will make this all go away and so you can save your oh so precious work. Well, I can’t let you do that, but how about the next best thing?

How would you like to channel all of that rage, loss and complete absence of control into sending a piss-ant little crash report? Does that make it all better you candy-ass little baby?

Oh what’s the matter? That isn’t fair to you? Fair? Well can I recommend you do us both a favor? Maybe just bring that brightness down so you catch a glimpse of the sullen, empty expression on your face, take a long look into those world weary eyes and ask yourself who in the fuck told your bitch-ass life was supposed to be fair?

There you go, click “send crash report,” good for you! What a doer you are. You aren’t some passive sap who just let’s things happen to them, oh no! You are a person who takes ACTION! Okay, just gonna go ahead and freeze everything for about 1 to 120 minutes while I compile this very important report! If you had just gone ahead and rebooted like a SUCKER you would be back to work by now, but oh no, it’s the principle of the thing dammit!

Oh what’s wrong now? Not knowing how long this will take is driving you crazy? Well don’t worry, here’s a long grey rectangle that slowly fills up with little green bars. That has to mean something, right? It wouldn’t just fill up and just, I don’t know, STAY THERE, right?

Wow, this is taking longer than you thought it would huh? But it will all be worth it once your precious fucking crash report is read by real-live human beings, which it totally will be! Oh yeah, I’m sounding the alarm right now, getting the “response team” together, they’re gonna crack this thing wide open! One of em is like an explosives expert, one knows karate, these people are best of the best, don’t even worry about it.

This totally won’t just get fed into an algorithm with thousands of other reports so that maybe years down the road developers can decide if this is an issue worth maybe addressing in some way and then deciding “probably not.” No no no, you’re really doing something! Hell you’re fixing a computer, all by yourself! Look at you fucking go, wow!

Ugh, this is taking so long! It’s almost like we’re doing this on purpose, isn’t it? It’s as if your device is in a state of, i don’t know, obsolescence? And it was planned? Like a planned obsolescence? Is That a thing? Nah, that’s not a thing couldn’t be! Life is fair, the good guys always win, and you are mommy’s special little baby so don’t worry your sweet little dipshit head about it.

You know when all of this is over, you could always check for an update as if that’s going to do a goddamned thing. Oh wait, installing the update is what caused the crash? Woah! I guess you better send another report!

Mumford & Sons Banjo Player Leaving Unfortunately Keeps Band Together

Posted on by Clara Endres

LONDON — Folk rockers Mumford & Sons announced that they are staying together despite the departure of Winston Marshall in a crushing blow to the music world and people’s ears, disappointed sources report.

“We would like to speak on the subject of our former banjo player and founding member Winston Marshall’s decision to leave the group, and assure everyone that despite his absence, we will, unfortunately, continue to write and perform music as a band,” Mumford & Sons singer Marcus Mumford stated in a public apology on the band’s Facebook page. “We fully understand the pain that this news may cause people all over the world, and hope you know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers during this unfortunate time, as well as the next several years’ worth of music that we will subject you to.”

People with car radios everywhere expressed utter disgust and disappointment

“Am I disappointed? Of course I am,” said Detroit resident and freelance music journalist Elizabeth Finne. “As a person with musical taste and preferences that honestly aren’t even that great, it pains me to know that people out there might continue to be subjected to whatever this band comes up with. Do I benefit from them staying together, though? Absolutely. It’s that guy’s right to spew whatever nonsense he wants on the internet, and it’s my responsibility as a journalist to pan his former band’s albums, and Mumford & Sons continuing to release music means continued site traffic for me. It’s a necessary evil.”

Despite the overwhelming disappointment at the band’s decision to remain a band, Roadie Scott “Scooter” Leggett was relieved to hear the news.

“I’m honestly just happy I’ll still be receiving a steady paycheck, possibly with less gear to lug around. I couldn’t find one of that dude’s banjos before this soundcheck in Dayton, and I never heard the end of it,” sighed Leggett. “I mostly just read my fantasy books and stay out of the way when I’m not needed. I’ll kind of start falling asleep if I listen to too much of their sets, but if I made it through the last few years of Warped Tour, I can stick this out too.”

At press time, Marshall announced plans to form his own solo project in which he will remain confident and outspoken when it comes to “controversial topics” combined with a near-total lack of knowledge on said topics.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

How Dare You Come Into My House and Trigger Me With a Compliment

Posted on by Kevin Tit

“Nice place?” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I live in a one-bedroom basement apartment with minimal natural light, you condescending asshole. Who the hell do you think you are? I invited you into my home. How dare you fucking trigger me with a compliment?!

You think just because your fancy job pays you more in a month than I make in a year, and because you live in a place above ground with more natural light than God would know what to do with, that makes you better than me? Well, it does. But you don’t see me going around making you feel bad about being successful, you fucking prick. Am I a fucking charity case to you? You probably only hang out with me to write it off on your taxes. I’m more of a deductible than a friend. Is that it?

I bet you didn’t even really think that joke I told six weeks ago at IHOP was funny. After the waiter dropped the butter on the floor and I said, “Butter luck next time!” You laughed so fucking hard but it was probably just to be nice because you think I’m a pathetic loser. Admit it. You never thought I was funny. I can’t believe I thought you were my fucking friend. This explains why you asked me to be the best man at your wedding and the fucking godfather to your daughter. I’m just one big hilarious joke to you.

And to think I really appreciated you washing all the dishes after dinner tonight. It was all just another way for you to validate your belief that I’m a helpless piece of shit who would fall apart without you. Well not anymore. You can take back the $300 dollar Visa gift card you gave me for my birthday and your invitation to fly to South Africa on your company’s private jet. I don’t need you or your backhanded fucking compliments. Get the fuck out of my house and take my name off your HBO Max account. I never want to see or hear from you ever again!

“Ass Guy” Considers Himself Part of LGBTQ Community

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Self described “ass-guy” Greg Barker considers his preference for women’s asses over their breasts as admission as a member of the LGBTQ community, universally stumping everyone who knows anything about the spectrum of sexuality.

“It feels so good to be open and out about my sexuality,” Barker said in a 3,000 word Facebook post about the subject. “Growing up, I always knew something was different about me. All my friends were into titties, but not me — I was one hundo percent about the ass. And don’t get me wrong, I like boobs too… but I guess that makes me bisexual. Ass and titties all day, with a preference for ass. You know, as long as it’s completely devoid of hair, and on a lady.”

Barker’s friends and family have been widely accepting of his new identity. Barker’s mother, Claudia Barker, has been especially outspoken about it.

“I know it must have been incredibly difficult for him to come out to us, but we’re all very supportive of Greggie and we love him no matter what. Whether he’s into boobs, butts, legs, or feet, he’s still our son,” Claudia Barker said. “I’m so happy that he’ll finally have new LGBTQ spaces and friends who understand his unique worldview: that there’s nothing better than watching a fat booty ass-clap.”

Despite many in Barker’s social circle praising him for his openness, he has also drawn some criticism — including from activist Shari Mitchell, who disagreed about his status as part of the LGBTQ community.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no?” said Mitchell. “This is… this is not true? Like, I’m not trying to gatekeep being gay, but you’re not queer for liking women’s butts more than boobs. Am I losing my fucking mind here? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had friends who enjoyed ‘Queer as Folk’ when I was a teenager and they thought that made them ‘gay-ish.’ Just fucking stop. Everyone stop.”

Barker was last seen at a local lesbian bar, hoping to pick up chicks.

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