FREDERICTON, New Brunswick — Local DIY venue Zamboni’s recently installed a state-of-the-art false amp head that allows drunk patrons to incessantly tweak the sound knobs…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local tattoo artists are preparing for a huge wave of clients requesting the absolute stupidest, dumbshit tattoos possible in the wake of…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local woman Carmen Sullivan was found dead this morning after the wire of her earbuds became caught around a door handle, causing…
EUGENE, Ore. — Local punk Randy “Dirty Randy” Lopez made a surprisingly well-thought-out and articulated case for the Chrysler PT Cruiser as a counter-culture icon,…
WESTFIELD, Ind. — Local man Tom Simmons remains totally perplexed as to why everyone who watched “Squid Game” found the idea of getting shot at…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local straight edge 22-year-old Niki Mishtia once again proved that he is perfectly capable of acting like a moron without using alcohol…
I may not know much, and probably even less so now after that eleventh Jager bomb, but the one thing I know for sure is…
BUENA PARK, Calif. — Popular instrument manufacturer Yamaha announced a partnership yesterday with flagship nü-metal band Korn to produce a signature model 89-key piano, excited…
ATLANTA — Local man Chris Mitchell reportedly is only willing to vote for a candidate who will immediately restrict, hinder and ultimately completely bar him…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local Pantera fan Blane Butts referred to another customer at Ingles Supermarket as an “intellectual” yesterday in an apparent attempt to insult…
NEW YORK — Luxury sex toy manufacturer Bad Vibrations claims their latest dildo, which can’t maintain a full erection and smokes the user’s entire cannabis…
SEWARD, Neb. — A far-right militia completely failed in their mission to remain vigilant on election day after the entire group became hopelessly lost in…
WASHINGTON — ‘90s rap-rock icon Kid Rock is currently having a full blown panic attack after “dropping a major league deuce” and clogging the toilet…
PORTLAND, Maine — Portland Police Department Officer Grace Hutchinson somehow fully believes that people have only recently started tampering with her food, snickering sources confirm.…
WASHINGTON — The new viral bombshell “Plandemic” has revealed a simple, shocking truth: that all of your friends are dribbling, incognizant fucking morons who are…