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Opinion: The 1st Amendment Should Count Extra if You’re Drunk and Uninformed

I may not know much, and probably even less so now after that eleventh Jager bomb, but the one thing I know for sure is that the 1st amendment means even more if you have no information whatsoever. The 1st amendment is the free speech thing, right? I’m feeling a little loopy right now.

There’s nothing more American than driving your Chevy pickup truck down to the local mom and pop grocery store to buy a fresh apple pie and then getting into a screaming drunken argument with the cashier about whether or not the moon landing was fake. That’s your God-given right as an American citizen and don’t let anyone sober or smart tell you otherwise.

I may not spend my time reading a lot of fancy books and news articles and stop signs like some elitist middle school graduate, but if anything that means I have even more of a right to tell the bartender about how this country lost its way the minute we decided to stop using possum pelts as currency.

My forefathers bled for my right to yell “fire!” in a crowded movie theater or “loose tiger!” in an understaffed zoo. And no amount of PC fascism or court mandated AA meetings can strip me of that right.

If you want to fight me about it, you can’t. That’s what the first amendment does. Shields me from criticism and any negative consequences for my actions. Wanna tell me that’s not actually what the 1st amendment does? Well, I just polished off an entire case of Bud Lime so right now my opinion means more than yours.

So sure, I may not have all the facts. But what I do have is a whole hell of a lot stronger. It’s the unwavering and completely unearned confidence that I know more than you, and that there’s a centuries-old document of boring-ass laws that can somehow justify it. Between that and the three Miller High Lifes left in my glove compartment, that’s America to me.