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Local Tattoo Artists Brace for Wave of Absolute Dumbshit Requests After “Ink Master” Premiere

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local tattoo artists are preparing for a huge wave of clients requesting the absolute stupidest, dumbshit tattoos possible in the wake of Paramount+ reviving “Ink Master” for another season, exhausted sources confirm.

“My books aren’t even open yet, but since the new season premiered, I have a billion DMs asking for shit like ‘traditional Japanese punk rock walrus on the ribs,’” said local tattoo artist Trisha Gonzalez. “I asked one guy to actually look at my profile because I specialize in illustrative black-and-grey, but he told me that if I can’t tattoo an American traditional pin-up of a scuba diving Courtney Love, then I ‘must not be a real Ink Master.’”

Local “Ink Master” fan Eric Bernhardt is looking to get his first tattoo and is thankful for another season of the show to give him a realistic idea of what to expect at his appointment.

“I recently moved here from Iowa and ‘Ink Master’ inspired me to get a full color, photorealistic ear of corn tattooed on the side of my head,” he said while sending identical Instagram DMs to six more artists. “Before I watched the show, I probably would have wasted time researching who would be the best fit for my idea, or even, God forbid, listening to an expert’s feedback on it. Now I know that any artist worth their salt should be able to draw and execute this badass corn tattoo flawlessly in a three-hour session.”

Paramount+ executive Bruce Williamson defended the decision to reboot the show, even if it does result in more people walking around with neo-traditional fast food tattoos on their chests for the rest of their lives.

“This show simply is a way to make the art of tattooing more accessible to people who might be intimidated by it. Anyone who thinks that the show portrays an unrealistic idea of the tattoo experience clearly hasn’t seen that episode a few seasons back where people got their fingernails tatted,” Williamson said, before shouting at his assistant. “Hey—make sure you tune in next week, we make the artists tattoo watercolor portraits of founding fathers while blindfolded. It’s a very touching episode.”

At press time, a visibly broken Gonzalez had reluctantly booked an appointment to tattoo a “new school zombie ballerina riding a tractor” on a client’s ass cheek.