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HI, I’m Your New Neighbor, and I’m Legally Required To Disclose That I’m the Singer From Goo Goo Dolls

Hello, I just moved in next door and wanted to introduce myself. I am also legally required to disclose to all people living in a 1,000-yard radius that I am the singer from ’90s pop rock sensations Goo Goo Dolls. I know it can be awkward to hear that your new neighbor is John Rzeznik, writer of the hit single “Iris” and 18 other top ten hits, but I want to be upfront with you all about this. Plus, the settlement I agreed to explicitly states that I have to.

Look, I know what you’re thinking, but I hardly even wrote those songs! I’m just a normal guy who made a dumb mistake, and this is just a formality. I promise that you and your family and any concert venues in the immediate area have nothing to be worried about, from me or from my distinctive, hook-filled brand of radio-friendly pop rock.

I no longer desire to wake up where you are. I see now why that is wrong.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, like the time I performed Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” with Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst as part of a 9/11 tribute. I hope that you won’t hold it against me, especially when I’m doing the right thing here. If I wanted to, I could take my “City of Angels Original Soundtrack” money and retire far away from everyone, but I’m trying to re-enter society and learn to integrate myself in a community.

I hope you can appreciate that.

In time, maybe you can come to see me less as the boogeyman children tell their parents that the singer of such hits as “Name,” “Black Balloon” and “Here is Gone” is, and more as a real person who has flaws, is working to improve himself and will obey the letter of a legal settlement to a T. I’m sure it must be scary to think that someone like me, who has toured with Matchbox 20’s Rob Thomas on multiple occasions, is sleeping next door to your children and your pets. It’ll take trust and work on my part, and carefully navigating the requirements of legal documents, but I hope that maybe someday we can be friends as well as neighbors.

And listen, if you ever want to come over and jam in the garage, my door’s always open. That’s also one of the requirements of the settlement.