LOS ANGELES — Representatives from Neutrogena announced they finally perfected a formula strong enough to be certified as “Goth-Strength” by the FDA just in time…
“Always be prepared” is the motto of the Boy Scouts, I think. While recently camping I deluded myself that I was prepared for anything. Ready…
As summer begins in earnest, many people are wondering how they can beat the heat; and also how to let more bugs into the house.…
GEORGE, Wash. — Dave Matthews Band is raising alarm among epidemiologists and everyone who isn’t in a fraternity or sorority as they continue to play…
OMAHA, Neb. — Citizens across the country are coping with record breaking heat and wondering why there has been seemingly zero warning of rising temperatures…
PALMDALE, CA — Customers and baristas of The Catalyst Coffee Shop were shaken to their core Sunday afternoon when sick fuck Andrew Murphy ordered an…
SEATTLE — A six-year-old purple otter pop was granted a new life purpose as a DIY ice pack after a record heat wave hitting the…
MIAMI — First time nude beach goer Simon Lowell made fellow nudists uncomfortable with his obvious anxiety surrounding what to do with his hands and…
SEATTLE — Local homebody Jenny Wellmeyer experienced generalized anxiety due to the overwhelming pressure to go do something outside while the weather was absolutely gorgeous,…
CINCINNATI — Your Mom is wondering if you’ll be home for her annual 4th of July barbecue, or if you’ll be too busy with this…
SEATTLE — Neighborhood watch app Nextdoor crashed early this afternoon after users self-snitched on their own Fourth of July barbeque celebrations out of habit, according…
SANDUSKY, Ohio — Local punk Curtis “Copkiller” Richards reportedly ceased his habit of constant slander against the United States while enjoying a few kosher beef…
CHICAGO — Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police…
HAVERHILL, Mass. — A punk-themed ice cream truck impressed potential patrons yesterday with a raw, energetic version of “Turkey in the Straw” that lasted roughly…
TEMPE, Ariz. — Local idiot Eli Burkhardt made a fool of himself today by accidentally cutting off his jeans vertically, leaving the back of his…