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15 Monsters From Classic “Goosebumps” Covers Ranked by How Likely You Are to See Them at a Farmers Market

Just because the longest day of the year has come and gone, it doesn’t mean that leisurely outdoor activities are on their way out as well. In reality, trips to the farmers market are even more fun as the weather gets cooler and they inevitably become flooded with seasonal ghouls and creatures. While celebrity appearances are rare, the iconic beasts depicted on the covers of R.L. Stine’s chillers are known to pop up every once in a while. Here’s how likely 15 of those Goosebumps monsters are to shop around your local market square:

15. Dead House

It’s just a house. Unless the market in question is some neighborhood-wide estate sale where your former AP English teacher just so happens to sell her garden squash as well, catching a glimpse of the eponymous residence from “Welcome to Dead House” is very unlikely. Next.

14. Hammerhead Shark

“Deep Trouble” is just about the only place you’d have to be in to see a hammerhead shark at an outdoor grocery store. There is an argument to be made for seaside markets and local fisheries that sharks might regularly visit, but seeing as how this is number 14, this argument is faulty. The term “monster” is also a pretty loose description for a totally average shark, so this one is at a 10-15% likelihood, max.

13. The Masked Mutant

Judging by the radical, hot pink lair that the titular Masked Mutant jumps out from in “Attack of the Mutant,” it’s safe to assume he doesn’t get out that often. Granted, when he’s not plotting some dastardly scheme in that villainous castle he’s probably present at every comic con and Smash Bros. tournament in the nearby area. As a result of this, the chances of catching him browsing the heirloom tomatoes at the nearby organic table are slim to none.

12. That Bee with the Kid’s Face (Gary Lutz)

Okay, it is pretty farfetched to expect to see regular-teenager-turned-bee Gary Lutz buzzing around the honey table at city produce sales. But it’s not impossible, right? There are always a few stray insects flying around the fruits, and those beekeepers love to brag about their “totally eco-friendly beehomes” and “organic honeycomb.” Who’s to say one of those pesky bugs isn’t a clean-cut tween whose body swap wish went horribly wrong? The jury’s still out on this one.

11. The Barking Ghost

This one is contingent on whether or not pets are allowed at your local farmstand. When they are, you’re typically bombarded by some vicious German Shepherd owned by a dawdling middle-aged couple rather than some yapping pooch like “The Barking Ghost.” Either way you are usually at the receiving end of a string of woofs and snarls as you try to politely scooch out of the way towards the cartons of strawberries.

10. The Lord High Executioner

With such an esteemed title, the cover creature of “A Night at Terror Tower” doesn’t frequent farmers markets all that often. Busy sharpening his gnarly ax and scaring the local youth with his horrendous posture, there is no way this guy carves a lot of time out for buying local. In spite of this, you might spot him under that tent with all the bearded dudes who try to pawn off their homemade leather goods and jerky. This hooded beefcake would for sure add some dried teriyaki venison to his pre-workout meal routine.

9. The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena

This one has a couple of demerits right off the bat. On top of being regionally locked to the Los Angeles area (and technically Alaska if you’re a nerd and read the book), this odious yeti might not even fit underneath the awnings of the produce stand. Besides all of that, this guy is a bimonthly regular at farmers markets for sure. Any local fruit this big lug picks out is going straight to his ice cavern for smoothie prep.

8. The Haunted Mask

There’s roughly a 50/50 chance “The Haunted Mask” makes an appearance while you browse the local grocery. Admittedly, it is rare to see one of these outside of Halloween, and worn by someone other than a snotty elementary schooler for that matter. Then again, even monstrous, living faces need their fruits and veggies to stay healthy and stave off further decay. Don’t pry the wearers of the haunted masks too much though. Some shoppers just straight up look like that.

7. Monster Blood

This might be a bit of a cheat, but you can spot Stine’s classic “Monster Blood” at any farmers market if you look hard enough. That natural herbal jam that costs $23? Monster blood. The bulk laundry detergent sold by that elderly lady who smells faintly of mothballs? Also monster blood. If you frequent a really hip produce shop with kombucha vendors, you can take a wild guess as to what those bacteria are really swimming around in.

6. The Cuckoo Clock of Doom

On the occasion that produce vendors peddle their dusty antiques as well, “The Cuckoo Clock of Doom” can be pretty easy to point out. Unfortunately, its awesome powers of time reversal are most definitely broken if it’s being half heartedly sold amidst old wooden crates and collector’s plates. If you’re looking to be jumpscared by a wooden bird and spill asparagus everywhere while making a fool of yourself, be sure to catch it at the top of the hour.

5. Slappy the Dummy

The face of the Goosebumps series himself has seen his fair share of supporting local greengrocery. Slappy’s the kind of consumer to hop on the market craze for a while, posting his favorite local veggies and maple syrups on his socials. Maybe he checks into the farmstand every once and a while, but not since he’s hit the major leagues. Nowadays, he buys his groceries via delivery apps since he’s “too busy drafting his new memoir.” Sure thing buddy.

4. The Camp Cold Lake Ghost

The only real “Curse of Camp Cold Lake” is the inundation of guys with this haircut who flood the local farmstand. They might not always be shopping around at the market, but everyone knows at least one Camp Cold Lake Ghost. They’re the ones whose contribution to the office holiday gift exchange is goat milk soap that you will never use because you can’t resist the temptations of Bath & Body Works’ semi-annual sale. 60-70% chance of running into one of these middle-parted fiends.

3. The Creeps

Coincidentally enough, “Calling All Creeps!” doubles as an excellent way to grab the attention of a majority of people who shop at produce markets. Of course these tools are still using a damn telephone booth like it’s 1996. If you take this out of the equation and instead swap their antiquated communication methods for various facial piercings, tattoos, and a tote bag with a succulent on it, then you’ve got roughly two-thirds of the farmers market clientele.

2. The Scarecrow

When writing “The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight,” Mr. Stine clearly didn’t take into consideration what most scarecrows get up to around 10 a.m. on a Saturday. With those scrappy, disheveled clothes and gardener’s hats, these otherwise inanimate strawmen fit right in with the market scene, and can be the most tolerable people to deal with. That much time in the field has to mean this guy is pretty knowledgeable, he’s surrounded by corn for cryin’ out loud!

1. Counselor Buddy

There is at least one Counselor Buddy at every farmers market. This is an indisputable fact. Even more horrifying, it is guaranteed that the Buddy present during your visit will make some dull vegetable pun or comment about your groceries. Everything from the baseball cap, tucked in t-shirt, and those deprived, manic eyes just scream “agriculturist”. No longer just “The Horror At Camp Jellyjam”, this asshole hawks his pickled vegetables with that same nightmarish grin everywhere.