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Florida Government Awards $500M In Grant Money To Research Cargo Shorts That Keep Balls From Sticking To Leg

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — The Florida Legislature announced the passing of a bill securing $500 million in grant money to develop a special cargo short that would prevent the scrotum from sticking to the leg in humid conditions, excited sources confirmed.

“Our great state has its issues: prescription drug abuse, hurricanes, rising tides, school textbooks, barbed wire tattoos, you name it. But this is the issue I hear about the most in our district by an overwhelming margin. Men are spending thousands of dollars extra on proper bottom wear each year and I think the people as a whole are fed up,” said Florida Senator Sonny McDermot. “So we were quick to get this pushed through the legislature; you’ll notice this spending bill was bipartisan and unanimous. The Florida government really works for the people.”

Scientists from state universities were quick to support the spending initiative with their research.

“Our study concluded that the average Florida man spends 13% of his day unsticking his balls from his hairy thigh,” reported Florida State University post-doctoral Fellow Dylan Keith. “Go outside in any town and you’ll no doubt see two or three guys doing that funny walk thing to free their scrotum. We call that the Florida Three Step. Now, this grant allows us to answer the question: what if that time was spent elsewhere? What could we accomplish? Think about 13% more jetski time, or more doing bath salts in the swamp time. Think about the implications of that.”

Many local residents like Braden Daniels expressed a reignited faith in civics after the passing of the spending bill.

“I just think it’s ridiculous that there’s this one issue that only affects dudes, and we’re penalized for it. If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that apparently writing to your Senator really does work,” said Daniels. “All it takes is one letter. I’d urge everyone who wants something to change to take the time to handwrite a note and mail it to the government. Then boom, equity happens. I’m proud of the government for taking a step towards gender equality.”

Press representatives from the Florida government confirmed that, once developed, the cargo shorts would be fully covered under all health insurance plans, with funding being redirected from the school system.