Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: We Wouldn’t Have an Abortion Debate Today if Roe and Wade Had Just Settled Things in the Octagon

Posted on June 23, 2021 by Dan Rice

In 1970 the case of Roe vs. Wade was brought before the Supreme Court. After a nearly three-year trial and appeals process, the court made a landmark decision legalizing abortion in the United States. After 48 years, that decision remains the most contested ruling the court has ever made, and why? Because abortion is too big to be decided “by committee.”

There would be no abortion debate in this country if, all those years ago, Roe and Wade had been allowed to settle things in a no-holds-barred cage match. If Americans could only have seen these two champions square off toe to toe, they would have accepted the outcome.

You can’t blame Americans for being conflicted over abortion when they were denied the chance to see these two titans duke it out for the big W, settling the matter once and for all. An issue this big speaks to man’s most primal instincts, and primal problems need primal solutions. If it had simply come down to who wanted it more, the heart of the nation would have been won over.

Sadly our need for cage-justice was never appeased, and we are left with a nation divided.

Oh, you think a winner-take-all sludge match between a then 56-year-old man and a then 23-year-old mother of three isn’t fair? Let’s take a closer look at our competitors, shall we?

HENRY WADE:
Weight: 230 lbs
Height: 5’10
Fighting Style: Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (unconfirmed)
Signature Move: Patriarchal Oppression
AKA: Pompous Punch-out, The Biblical Bomber, The Texan Terror, The Deep-Southpaw

NORMA “JANE ROE” MCCORVEY
Weight: 170 lbs
Height: 5’8
Fighting Style: Krav Maga (unconfirmed)
Signature Move: A Woman’s Scorn
AKA: Ropeadope Roe, Calamity Jane, The Mom of Madness, The Trimester Tester

As you can see, both fighters have an extensive background in a discipline of martial arts (unconfirmed) and both fighters WANT IT. Forget U.S law, this fight could have been the most magnificent spectacle the world has ever seen! Just think of the marketing possibilities!

Conception Commotion!

The Theological Throw-down!

The Hubris for the Uterus!

The Rumble for the Rattle!

The Thriller on Capitol Hiller!

The Spectacle from the Testicle

Girls Rights Fight Night!

Truly, the mind reels. What I’m proposing is simple. We build a time machine, or clone Roe & Wade and implant them with the appropriate memories, whichever is cheaper. I’ll handle the venue, promotion, and licensing for the match. The mob gets involved. Wade agrees to go down with a shot to the nuts in the third. Everyone’s cool with abortion and I clear a cool 10 million.

I’ll level with you, my only other client is Mike Tyson so I’m sort of banking on this.

Band Argues About Setlist Like Anyone Gives a Shit

Posted on June 23, 2021 by Cory Cousins

SEATTLE — Members of local metal band Brutal Stepson reportedly grew heated last night when they couldn’t agree on a setlist, about which the audience couldn’t care less, confirmed a group of bored onlookers.

“I’m sorry, but sometimes I just have to put my foot down,” said Brutal Stepson vocalist Greg Flores. “I mean, call me crazy, but how would anyone in their right mind think it’s a good idea to play ‘Demon Forest’ before ‘Temple of the Necrostrangler?’ It’s show programming 101: you never put the radio single before the touching ballad. I always thought that was common sense. I guess not. The audience’s musical journey is not something I take very lightly.”

Other band members disagreed with Flores’ matter-of-fact take.

“Look, last time I checked, we were called Brutal Stepson, not The Greg Flores Band,” noted drummer Mitch Copeland. “I’d concede placing ‘Temple of the Necrostrangler’ before ‘Demon Forest,’ but we should never close any show with ‘Beelzebub Blues.’ That’s band suicide! The audience is gonna go apeshit if we don’t end with ‘Highway of Shame’ or ‘Reaver of Benevolence.’ Yeah, if we had the chance to do three maybe four encores, this wouldn’t be an issue… but we’re the opening band.”

When asked by the band, one brave showgoer offered their opinion about the 18-minute setlist.

“What songs do I want to hear? Honestly, I don’t know any of your songs,” replied audience member Dean Franklin. “I’m actually here to see my friend’s band, Horn of Oblivion. I really don’t care what you play — you could draw song names out of a hat, or cover Iron Maiden for all I care. I was planning on hitting up the smoking patio during your set anyway.”

Following sound check, Brutal Stepson came together with compromises, only to be derailed when they couldn’t decide on greeting the crowd with, “How are you all feeling tonight?” or, “Make some noise, Seattle!”

Opinion: It’s No Big Deal, My Dad Doesn’t Keep It Loaded

Posted on June 22, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

First of all, stop being such a pussy, dude. It’s just a handgun. And a glock at that! No one ever is killed by just a handgun. Seriously, all we’re going to do is place the apple on your head, I’ll point the gun at you, we’ll take a picture, and then we can go back to playing XBOX.

You’ve got nothing to worry about. The safety is on….no, wait. Ok, now the safety is on.
I swear, my dad never keeps this thing loaded. No, you don’t need to check if it’s loaded. I already checked. It’s not. All I want is to take a picture for Instagram. I’m definitely not going to try to shoot the apple off your head. Even though I know I could easily do it and you would be completely safe from harm.

What, you don’t believe me? Wow, I thought we were friends, dude. And to think, I’m the only kid that will still play with you after you threw up during that assembly and your dad went to jail for mail fraud. I guess this is the thanks I get.

Oh, you want to hold the gun and I put the apple on my head? No, we can’t do that. I’m not scared, I just think that’s a stupid idea. Besides, it’s my dad’s gun. And the apple is your mom’s. You see the flaw in your logic now?

Well, if we don’t do this, how else will we spend the next eight hours until your mom gets home? You already said we can’t shave the Maine Coon, and we don’t have any more cinderblocks to chuck off the overpass.

This is just like the cherry bomb incident all over again. You remember what happened then? You kept bitching and moaning about how you didn’t want to flush a lit cherry bomb down your mom’s toilet until I finally convinced you to do it. And see, it was no big deal then, right? The cherry bomb harmlessly exploded and only caused a few thousand dollars worth of plumbing damage.

There you go, I’m glad you’ve come around to my side now. Just put the apple on your head, stand against the wall, and I’ll point this little gun at your face. Totally no big deal.

I promise, after we do this, you’re going to be the most popular kid in school.

Undecided Voter Not Sure if Candidate Is Kind of Guy He Could Harass a Waitress With

Posted on June 22, 2021 by Dianne Nora

NEW YORK — Undecided voter Tom O’Reilly is still not sure if any of his top candidates in the city’s upcoming mayoral election are the type of guy he could harass a waitress with, sources confirmed.

“I don’t like when politicians get all political. I want to vote for the guy that is the most like me and my friends,” O’Reilly said while drinking a Miller High Life. “Whoever runs this city should be the kind of guy who only orders steak, can change the oil in his car, and won’t just sheepishly order a round of redheaded sluts. My ideal candidate doesn’t make lewd remarks to waitresses under his breath; he says them loudly and proudly, and if anyone calls him out? He fights them, like a fucking real man.”

Sam Trenton, a representative for the Scott Stringer campaign, said he was confident that voters like O’Reilly would find all the boorish, dehumanizing behavior they’re looking for as they get to know Stringer.

“Guys like Andrew Yang get lots of media attention, but everyone knows that Yang isn’t man enough to write his number on the back of a receipt with a note that says ‘You could get it.’ In fact, no one in this race other than Scott has shown a proven record of workplace harassment,” said Trenton. “We want New Yorkers to know that Scott Stringer promises to act just as creepy and underhanded behind the scenes as he does when the cameras are rolling.”

Pollster Nate Beckwith said data consistently shows that, despite what any campaign promises, voters really want the type of candidate they can trust would come forward as a character witness for them if they were ever accused of sexual harassment at work.

“Numbers show that, across all five boroughs, voter enthusiasm increases when there’s a high likelihood of a candidate joining in on neighborhood catcalling,” Beckwith explained. “Local elections can sometimes lead to complacency, but voter turnout actually increases whenever a candidate successfully shifts a conversation about his harassment or abuse to what the alleged victim was wearing or how much she’d had to drink. That’s the type of candidate that will draw New Yorkers to the polls.”

As Election Day approaches, O’Reilly says he’s still undecided, though he’s confident he won’t be voting for any of the women running. “I’m not sure why,” O’Reilly says, “but they just don’t seem likeable.”

Class Warfare? This Coffee Shop Doesn’t List Prices

Posted on June 22, 2021 by John Danek

The gap between rich and poor widens each year. Jeff Bezos takes his billions to space while Elon Musk trolls global economics with meme tweets. Yet the most glaring example of the growing dissent between the classes exists in a small coffee shop in San Diego where I happen to be standing, holding up the line, because these fascists don’t list their prices.

To my comrades in this North Park neighborhood coffee shop, listen up! Skydrop Coffee is waging class warfare and we must end it NOW. These wannabe oligarchs are hoarding all of the economic information. This is basically insider trading.

I walked in and the only discernible menu was a black felt board with white letters vaguely listing their offerings including latte, cortado, matcha, and more. You know what they didn’t offer? Prices. Capitalist swine.

This puts customers like me in the awkward position of either having to ask the cashier how much things cost (out of the question) or risk overdrawing my bank account when I accidentally order some $13 single-origin pourover, when all I wanted was a simple $9 single-origin pourover. I panicked, acted like I walked into the wrong place, abruptly turned, and left like a total dipshit. Fuck these one-percenters.

To make matters worse, Skydrop Coffee has signature drinks on their terse menu, such as the “FINNY” and the “HOKKAIDO,” with no explanation as to what the items actually are. Sizes are also omitted from their menu and website. Fuck the JFK assassination, we need to de-classify this coffee shop.

Oh shit, they also have beer. No prices on those either though. Eh, I’ll just open a tab.

Bootleg Merch Higher Quality Than Band’s Official Merch

Posted on June 22, 2021 by John Dixon

INDIANAPOLIS — Discerning merch buyers and dedicated fans of band doing pretty well for themselves, Stay Swell, were pleased to discover that affordably priced bootleg merch was of higher quality than the considerably more expensive official items on the band’s Shopify page.

“Merch is already crazy expensive and with cell phone company-sponsored venues jacking up show prices to maximize their cut, it’s only getting worse. No way in hell am I paying $30 for a tee printed on fucking Gildan,” said frugal fan Mary Ames. “I found a guy on Etsy who makes bootlegs of the same shit, and he at least sprang for Hanes. Plus, his store has more unique designs because they were screenprinted in some weirdo’s garage.”

The sellers of the bootlegs explained they were providing a service to both the fans and the bands.

“By providing cheaper, higher quality merchandise, we’re raising the band’s profile and also keeping them punk while they still get the benefits of being sellouts in these huge arenas,” said screenprinter Spider Jones from his pop-up merch booth just out of sight of a local venue entrance. “We also provide work for local merch dudes who get pushed out of these events by venue staff, and they run a far lower risk of getting cornered and punished out here. Plus I print extra mediums so we never have to have that conversation.”

The band themselves were somewhat less enamored of the bootleg merch and its impact on sales.

“Look, it’s not our fault our merch kinda blows,” said Stay Swell vocalist Sam Wilkins. “Just because we have access to a higher budget, label-owned graphic designers, and nationwide distribution models doesn’t mean we can compete with the unbridled creativity of a punk slinging handmade designs made from a stencil and some spray paint from his van. The last piece of fan art of ours I saw was a one of one pressing zine with multiple cutouts that were definitely put there by an X-Acto knife, and don’t even get me started on the shading they did with all that glitter. It’s pretty remarkable stuff.”

At press time, venues across the country were trying to figure out how they would survive the hit from merch sales when all they have left to profit on is parking, concessions, and hundreds of hidden fees from ticket sites.

Hard Times Fest Lineup Announcement….. Delayed

Posted on June 21, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

Today was going to be the big day where we finally unveil the lineup we’ve been working so hard to give you. Unfortunately, four of our headliners had to pull out at the last minute. We aren’t legally allowed to discuss any of the circumstances, but our lawyers probably won’t read this update so we will do our best to tell you what happened without giving any names.

Our mainstage Saturday headliner, a popular indie singer from Los Angeles had to pull out because a certain three-lettered branch of American law enforcement (that was once run by J. Edgar Hoover) charged the singer with something that rhymes with “tomestic derrorism.” Apparently, she filled up an RV with a bunch of fertilizer and was going to park it outside of a government building, but we think the charges are all bullshit. We know she’s big into community gardening and we believe this fertilizer and the weapons cache she was caught with were to benefit underserved communities.

Also, our secondary stage headliner had to pull out, and man did this piss us off. Our fest manager Dougie nearly shit a brick when these guys called and said they couldn’t play. This band is a Canadian punk favorite and hasn’t played together in over 25 years, but we had them ready to go. But it turns out Dougie had only been talking to these guys online, and it was a catfishing situation. It was never the band we thought it was, and whoever was on the other end got away with a lot of our investment money, then sent us a fax that said “fuck off losers.” It was harsh.

The Thursday headliner was a black metal favorite, and yes, you guessed it, this was a murder/suicide situation. They won’t be playing our fest, or any other fests any time soon. We at least hope that someone gets some cool cover art from the crime scene.

Finally, our Friday headliner. A very popular pop-punk band from Long Island who were going to set the fest on fire. We weren’t aware that every member of the band had been charged with assault, and since the fest is set to take place within a mile of a high school they aren’t technically allowed to play, that’s according to the court agreement they made to stay out of jail. Frankly, we are glad they aren’t playing. We promise none of the other bands have done anything fucked up.

Sorry for the delay. All the other bands will be announced soon.

Lapsed Pagans Only Go to Orgies On Equinoxes

Posted on June 21, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

CEDAR HILLS, Ore. — Local casually practicing Wiccans Lois and Timothy Webb told friends earlier this week that, while they are still technically Pagan, they really only go to orgies on the big holidays rather than every weekend, congregants of the family’s coven reported.

“Yeah, I don’t know, I guess I still believe; it’s just we’re so busy with the kids’ sports and dance lessons. Plus, we have to stay up past midnight for most orgies, so good luck doing that with three kids. It doesn’t always feel worth it to trek out to the middle of some corn field just so we can strip naked while someone else inevitably forgets the oils,” Lois Webb explained while looking for her ceremonial candles. “And even then I’m not really paying attention. I just want to get out early and beat the crowds at the only 24-hour restaurant in town.”

Some of the more dedicated Pagans were upset about the Webbs’ lukewarm participation.

“Just showing up for the big events is frustrating to me. Being Wiccan is about fellowship, a celebration of nature, and of course, filthy group sex that would make Pan himself throw up into his flute. But we can’t build a community if you only show up to eat a stranger’s ass once every six months,” said coven member Persephone “Orion” Amethyst. “When we had a yard sale to raise money for a new Fertility Boline, Lois was nowhere to be found. But when she wants to be taken by my husband under the light of the full moon while I ride her face, she always seems to have the time.”

American religious expert Dr. Courtney Goodwin noted the steady decline of zealous Wiccans in recent years.

“As with many religions in America, more so-called Wiccans are drifting further from their faith and really only celebrating the big ticket holidays,” said Goodwin. “Most are forgoing the rather grueling and outmoded practices of banishment, casting the circle, and drawing down the gods in favor of the more fun and flashy rituals like sex magic, spell casting, and dancing naked. It’s basically the celebrating-Christmas-in-Disneyland of the Pagan world.”

As of press time, the Webbs had announced that they would be taking a cruise during Lughnasadh instead of celebrating.

Fully Vaxxed McDonald’s Employee Excited to Safely Spit On Shitty Customer’s Big Mac

Posted on June 21, 2021 by Jovian Gautama

DENVER — Recently vaccinated McDonald’s line cook Lydia Dupree was relieved to be able to safely add layers of shimmering spittle to a fucker of a customer’s Big Mac, fellow underpaid co-workers confirmed.

“This loud bag of dicks came in at 2 am trying to be funny by ordering a ‘uhhhh a McWhopper please’ and mockingly asked if ‘the ice cream machine is fucked again’ — I mean, of course it is but you don’t have to be an asshole about it,” said Dupree. “With the COVID-19 scare last year, I was limited to rubbing cold McNuggets on my taint, which is a bit time-consuming considering our reputation for speed. So I’m pretty stoked that I can return to serving what I call the McDrool with a side of mucus.”

Assistant Manager Chloe Chen lauded Dupree’s attention to detail and high standard of safety.

“At McDonald’s, food safety is our number one priority, so spitting on a patron’s meal before you’re fully vaccinated is a big no-no for us. Dupree is a thriving example of how you can still be a proactive model employee even when you’re not earning a livable wage,” said Chen. “I’ve seen her passion for the craft, and man, she went to town on the lettuce, tomato, and both buns, spreading her saliva like it was churned butter. It’s almost like she’s doing it not out of spite, but out of love; a true artist.”

US Department of Labor representative Diane Harrison encouraged other fast-food workers to get vaccinated to make their lives easier.

“Food service workers are pandemic heroes, so we’ll do everything we can to bring back a sense of normalcy to their work, including the shitty customers who make them want to leave and never come back,” said Harrison. “If you’re not yet vaccinated, we recommend keeping the retaliation effort free of bodily fluid, and instead reducing their fries size even more, adding toilet water to the soda machine, or just punching a salad, because what else can you do?”

As of press time, Dupree was seen organizing an internal training session on how to ruin an annoying kid’s Happy Meal by putting fake divorce papers for their parents on the tray.

Opinion: Let’s Forget That All My Favorite Rockstars Were Predators and Focus On How Annoying Their Wives Were Instead

Posted on June 21, 2021 by Sarah Feliciano

People love to call out how “problematic” some of the greatest musicians of all time were. Not me. I’m a simple man. I like my rockstars like my political beliefs: impervious to criticism from anyone other than me. But I get that society needs a scapegoat. With that in mind, I offer a simple exchange. Let’s all forget about the behavior of our favorite rockstars that may have been predatory and, instead, shift that rage toward their wives, who were all undoubtedly annoying.

Take John Lennon and Yoko Ono for example. You’re telling me that his repeated abuse of women compares to the time that she used her voice to make noise during that performance they did with Chuck Berry? If so, you are complicit in allowing annoyance to run wild in America.

Oh, and I guess I’m just supposed to stop listening to Aerosmith because Steven Tyler happened to prey on an underage girl, get her pregnant, and make her have a forced abortion? Dream on, buddy. Either way, I’m sure his wife, whoever she was, was pretty annoying during all of that.

And what about Kurt Cobain? Granted, he really didn’t do anything that bad during his career. Except for one thing: marrying Courtney Love. At least she’s been reaping what she sowed for the past thirty years by receiving nothing but hate when she does anything. Like the time she called out Harvey Weinstein in 2005. How dare she do that without even giving him a chance to prove his musical abilities first?

Fuck separating the art from the artist. Instead, I’m going to transfer my anger over all of the horrible things they’ve done onto the women they were married to. We need to stand up for the most vulnerable members of society: rich and famous men who have literal teams of people protecting them from criticism. Poor little fellas.

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