GARY, Ind. — Cass Pollard was shocked this Christmas to discover that their partner’s family apparently opens Christmas presents stone-cold sober the entire time, sources…
BATON ROUGE, La. — Candace Lepetomayne, drummer for industrial band Manufuckturing Sextor, has become increasingly worried that her job will be automated and completed by…
YONKERS, N.Y. — Darnell Hudgens, recently paroled from Westchester County Correctional for marijuana distribution, is reportedly encountering challenges obtaining a job in the legal weed…
SASKATOON — Violence nearly erupted following an argument between a local Canadian and a visiting metalhead over the cultural origins of the denim vest, moderately…
NEW YORK — Owner and lead investigator of the Blue Prints Detective Agency, Steve, sat down and wept in his shower for several hours after…
DALLAS — Local white man Darrell Hargrove raised alarm bells yesterday after a traffic incident led experts to believe his mugshot may soon appear on…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new report from The Institute of Nostalgia Studies found evidence that the classic ‘90s “X-Men” animated series doesn’t have the same…
WASHINGTON — Democratic members of the U.S. legislature announced today that, “Fuck it, we’re gonna lower the minimum wage,” following backlash from supporters frustrated by…
NEW YORK — Leading economists warned today that raising the minimum wage to $15 will severely impede the ability of elite Americans to be born…
Sometimes a political statement comes along that really forces one to rethink their whole world view. While it’s been centuries since Martin Luther nailed his…
LOS ANGELES — The upcoming fourth installment of the popular “Matrix” movies is expected to shatter records for dumb, pseduo-philisophical discussions in dorm rooms across…
WOODLAWN, Md. — A recent government study indicates that fans of thrash metal will finally be eligible for Social Security benefits in the coming year,…
NASHUA, N.H. — Pheasant Lane Mall Target employee Trevor Bennequist clocked out yesterday for lunch, only to discover that buying food would cost him more…
It’s not often that a location becomes synonymous, if even briefly, with a zeitgeist defining artistic movement. Rarer still are the times when such a…
PLAINSVILLE, Iowa — Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble the acts described in any of the Cannibal…