Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

KISS Goes Hog Wild With Sephora Points

Posted on June 21, 2021 by Ella Gale

NEW YORK — Members of glam rock group KISS were spotted using a stockpile of Sephora points at a local store late yesterday morning to purchase a number of items for their on-stage look, according to sources.

“My daughter and I saw Gene Simmons at the counter interrogating an employee about whether he’d be better served by the Dermalogica microfoliant or the Sunday Riley beauty kit,” said Brooklyn resident Tina Marcos, who was there to help her daughter purchase makeup for prom. “I think he bought them both. It looked like his Beauty Insider card had definitely seen better days, but they ended up sending him off with like three liquid lipsticks he never picked up for his birthday a few years in a row.”

Representatives of KISS guitarist Paul Stanley confirmed that the rocker had cashed in on “an undisclosed number” of points, and was thrilled to be experiencing Sephora products beyond just black-and-white greasepaint.

“Paul got some great stuff and is very excited to see if he can pull off beachy waves, and is incorporating a 10-step K-beauty routine to his evenings,” said PR spokesperson Quinn Sewell. “If moisturizer that rich, but not pore clogging, was around when they wrote ‘Hard Luck Woman,’ the song probably would have just been called ‘Woman’ or maybe something about not looking a year over 32, despite having three kids. He and the boys go to Sephora all the time, but I feel like this is the first time they’ve really experienced it.”

According to Sephora employee Kat Kitson, the band’s visit was an excruciating ordeal.

“Peter Criss asked questions about every single reward item we had in stock, and he got pretty confrontational about the night serum only being in a sample, even though it’s a deluxe,” Kitson recalled. “Plus he kept demanding to know if it could actually reverse the aging process, and then he ended up changing his mind and cashing in for 45 Tarte Shape Tape travel sizes instead. He spent so many points our system shut down and we had to stay late to talk to the Sephora fraud prevention team. Ugh.”

Simmons stated that he was so happy with his experience that he was considering returning to the store to ask an employee for help updating his heavy-eyeliner look into something more youthful and summery upon noticing “a lot of nice looking floral palettes.”

Review: Nine Inch Nails ‘Pretty Hate Machine’

Posted on June 20, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Pretty Hate Machine,” the 1989 debut from Nine Inch Nails.

There are so many things I want to say about this album, but while doing some cursory research on “Pretty Hate Machine” I learned that Trent Reznor worked as a handyman at Right Track Studio in Cleveland. The story goes that during studio “down-time” he would record himself and develop his own music. That sounds all well and good right? Well no it fucking isn’t. Read on my friend and find out why.

When I was growing up my parents told me there is only one thing I ever needed to know, “if you got time to lean, you got time to clean.” I’ve lived my life by those 11 words for nearly four decades. Something tells me old Trent wasn’t raised with similar discipline. Last I checked the saying isn’t “if you finish the bare minimum amount of work, you got time to record a genre-defining industrial album.” I’d love to see the maintenance records of that studio, did he do anything he was supposed to? I bet that bathroom was known across all of Ohio as the worst smelling bathroom in the recording industry. “Sorry, can’t fix that clogged pipe tonight boss, I need to finish recording ‘Head Like a Hole.’”

I think this is a problem with all musicians. They think they can avoid cleaning bathrooms wherever they go. One time when I was about 12-years-old I was at a mall outside of Boston. My stomach was pretty fucked up because I had eaten way too much Taco Bell and a shitload of free samples from other restaurants in the food court. I used the bathroom and the force of my diarrhea cracked the porcelain toilet bowl. Water and shit were leaking everywhere and I started to panic. I cleaned up the best I could and moved to get out of there, and as I was washing my hands, who do I see? None other than Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry, and I say to Joe “hey man, you gotta clean up that shit or my dad’s gonna kill me.” Joe looked right at me and said “I don’t know what you’re talking about kid, but that’s not my job.” Well, what the fuck is your job exactly? I’ve been wondering that for years.

“Pretty Hate Machine” basically proves that musicians think they are too good to clean up another person’s shit. Don’t listen to this album.

Official Review: 5 out of 5 Toilet Bowls Filled with Shit

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Punk Psychiatrist Suggests Fighting Dad

Posted on June 20, 2021 by Ryan Danley

PHOENIX — Local punk and licensed therapist Dr. Tim “Roach” Rochestky, LPCC, suggested that a patient kick his square fuckhead of a dad off his ass in an effort to heal from past trauma early yesterday afternoon, sources confirm.

“A lot of shrinks will tell you to ‘walk beside your feelings’ or some other crap the state wants you to believe so you can be a good worker. But in my practice we go by pit rules: if someone doesn’t help you up when you fall, that poser gets their ass kicked,” said Rochestky. “Just the other day, a patient was saying how their dad used to bully them for not being a football player like their brother. I prescribed a shined pair of steel toes. To see that growth in people makes this fucked capitalist society a little bit better.”

While some have found Dr. Roach’s techniques to be unorthodox, patient Susan Simpson said she stands by the program, and credits it with helping her overcome workplace anxiety.

“I started seeing Tim when I was having panic attacks at the law firm I worked at. At first, drinking a jug of Carlo Rossi and telling my boss off seemed counterintuitive to my emotional goals, but he’s the pro, so who am I to say no?” said Simpson. “It didn’t really resolve the issue, but let’s just say I don’t need to stress about that job anymore, so I guess it technically worked.”

Dr. Emily Preston, head of the Psychotherapy Development Research Center at Yale, stressed that new therapies are crucial to industry growth.

“When someone brings new practices to the table, we have a chance to examine the human condition. If we didn’t have the hippy therapists of the 1960s, we would have never discovered that crystals cure the human need to have clean feet,” said Preston. “We need to attract as many people to therapy as we can, because people pay us, but rats cost money. And I will have these motherfuckers chasing cheese for science any way I can.”

Rochestky was unavailable for further comment as he was teaching a seminar on the effectiveness of crowd killing as a way to deal with social anxiety disorder.

Therapist Offers Father’s Day Introductory Rates

Posted on June 20, 2021 by Tony Morse

BOSTON — Local therapist Dr. Loic Middleberry attempted to reach new clients by introducing reduced-rate services for sessions focusing exclusively on dad issues in honor of Father’s Day, anger-fatigued sources confirmed.

“Father’s Day has always been triggering, but these days it seems to be worse, likely on account of all the time dads have had to really fuck up their kids in ways previously believed unimaginable,” explained the veteran psychotherapist. “We’re lucky if most people are willing to acknowledge even a loose connection between thinking about their shitfaced father fighting his brother-in-law at a childhood event and why they keep punching holes in the wall. I’m really hoping my ‘daddy issues discount’ can provide a healthier alternative for people, and maybe spare some drywall from needing tedious patchwork and painting.”

Several prospective new patients reported needing to count to ten before they could talk about Dr. Middleberry’s proposal.

“The lowered fees are nice. I usually spend much more money on booze this time of year, and every little bit helps,” said undiagnosed PTSD sufferer Rob Delgado. “I saw a shrink once in high school, and he said all my self-destructive behavior was a maladaptive way of coping with my dad refusing to boycott the store that fired me when I asked for a raise. I guess I should take up Dr. Middleberry on her offer and try therapy again before I break what’s left of my dishes the next time I get dumped for drinking too much on Christmas, my birthday, or really any time I’m around anyone who reminds me of anything from the first 18 years of my life.”

Still, some dads scoffed at the idea of their children needing professional help.

“Therapy? Why? I was a great father and I learned from the best,” said local dad Bryce Metzer. “My pops saw a ton of action in Europe during the war, and dealt with it by pretending he couldn’t see or hear me whenever I was upset about something. If my kid has some problem with that approach, it must be because her mother coddled her too much through the birth of her own son, her divorce, and the six failed relationships that followed. Everyone is so entitled these days.”

At press time, various 12-step groups around the country reported a surge in meeting attendance in advance of Father’s Day, which is expected to continue until the first week of July.

Playing Hard to Get? My Dad Still Hasn’t Said “I Love You”

Posted on June 20, 2021 by Dom Turek

There is no right or wrong time to say “I love you” in a relationship. That’s probably why my dad is waiting for the perfect moment to say it to me, my mom, my siblings, and our dog. They all think it’ll never happen, but I know he’s just playing hard to get.

My sister says his arrested development prevents him from feeling anything more than a vague fondness for us and that the only thing he loves is his power saw, but she doesn’t know him like I do. Being two years older, I know from experience he’s just not the type of guy to rush into saying “I love you” to someone he’s only known for two or three decades.

For a long time, I was convinced he physically couldn’t form the words. But then I heard him say it to a cashier at Home Depot who gave him three bags of fertilizer for the price of one. That’s when I knew it was up to me to earn it. I knew that with enough effort, I could get my dad to express the same affection for me as he did that anonymous employee in the gardening center.

There was this one time I really thought he was going to say it when we were fixing a flat tire. We were rushing to loosen the lug nuts as the shrinking sun turned the sky this amazing crimson red, when all of a sudden he put the jack down and looked into my eyes. I braced for the words, but then he told me I was kneeling in dog shit.

With age, I’ve learned that love isn’t something you say. It’s something you do. Maybe my dad doesn’t want to come off as desperate or vulnerable by saying “I love you” to someone who shares half his DNA, but he shows it in other ways, like occasionally answering my phone calls or saying “happy birthday” to me on the wrong day.

Not saying “I love you” has become something of a family tradition in this house. I’m sure my grandfather never said it to my dad, and one day I hope to have a son or daughter of my own who I’ll never say it to.

Straight Edge Dad Forced to Say He’s Going Out for Yoohoo Before Never Returning

Posted on June 20, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BOSTON — Local straight edge father Maurice Puckett was depressed upon realizing he would have to say he was going to the corner store for a chocolate milk instead of cigarettes before never returning to his family again, according to those close to the situation.

“Dude, the hardest part of being straight edge is the fact that nothing you eat or drink is remotely cool. If I had a history of smoking then this would be no issue at all, not because I want to feel a buzz or talk outside of bars or look cool after having sex, but because I can’t even be a shitty dad the right way,” said Puckett while browsing expiration dates in the fridge. “I mean if I say I’m going out for cigarettes, it’s gonna be a whole thing. My kid’s gonna say I broke edge and call me a fake punk and tell me to remove my tattoos and shit, but I’m just trying to skip out on my responsibilities as a father. I’m not some sort of fucking sell out. This kid has no idea what true commitment even means.”

Puckett’s wife Catherine Peel was reportedly furious after Puckett pulled the “going out for Yoohoo” move on her and their 5-year-old son.

“It’s one thing to walk out on our family forever, leaving our child fatherless and me all alone. That, I get. But to say you’re going out for some weird ‘chocolate beverage’? I mean Jesus Christ. Talk about fucking up your kid forever. He’s gonna be in therapy the rest of his life after that,” Peel said. “Having a shitty dad, you know, mostly leads to depression and, eventually, good art. But little Jeremy’s gonna have to battle against picturing his dad, out with his new family, sipping on a little chocolate milk box like a loser. That’s just unforgivable.”

According to child therapist Dr. Troy Cresswell, Peel’s concerns were entirely correct.

“I deal with this sort of issue a lot with people who grew up listening to hardcore,” Dr. Cresswell explained. “There are many unique issues that come with being a straight edge parent. You have to constantly wipe little X marks off your child’s hands after they try to emulate you at school, you have to explain to your child far earlier what sex is so they can tell their bullies you being straight edge doesn’t mean they were adopted, and, worst of all, you have to get through the monotony of childrearing while being completely 100% sober. I don’t know how they fuck they do it.”

At press time, Peel and her son were seen breaking down in tears at a local grocery store after walking through the dairy aisle.

TV Exec Unaware Reboot He Pitching Already Successful Twitter Parody Account

Posted on June 19, 2021 by Chuck Kowalski

NEW YORK — Television executive Arthur Gaines, 73, remains oblivious that the “Frasier” reboot he’s been pitching for the past hour is already a popular Twitter parody account titled “Frasier Does Telehealth,” non-Baby Boomer sources confirmed.

“Times are changing, and the traditional sitcom character needs a tweak to catch up with the modern viewer,” said Gaines from his palatial penthouse. “All the kids today are depressed and eating ass right? And don’t get me started with how they’re always playing on their goddamn phones. So, what do we give them? That’s right, baby, Zoom telehealth expert Frasier fucking Crane. We’ll call it ‘Phone-a-Frasier.’ Hot damn, I haven’t gotten this stiff for an idea since I came up with ‘Seinfeld 2000.’ You just watch, this idea will save the entire entertainment industry.”

Staff writer Hadley Graham watched Gaines unwittingly reiterate numerous popular posts from the parody account, calling them the “television breakthrough of the decade.”

“It’s hard to believe he’s not on Twitter,” she noted. “Considering he’s nearly parroted a dozen of the ideas in his story arc where Niles pretends to be a frustrating client who puts Frasier’s tirades on TikTok, incidentally making him a social media star. In fact, I’m pretty sure seven or eight of them were in Slate’s ‘15 Times Frasier Does Telehealth Was Brilliantly Stupid’ write-up. I just hope he sours on the whole thing before he makes me draft an outline of his ‘tear-jerking’ COVID-22 season.”

“Frasier Does Telehealth” account creator Taylor Kozik couldn’t imagine his “barely cogent” plot points serving as the basis for a legitimate restart of the long-running NBC show.

“Whenever I tweet, I try to picture an old fart at a steakhouse blurting out storylines between sips of scotch,” he said of his creative process with a chuckle. “I lift a lot of ideas from trash I see on the ‘Wall Street Journal’ homepage or rambling voicemails from my dad. That’s how the whole Roz and avocado toast saga got started. The material is so cringe, I don’t think it would get consideration from even the most vanilla network.”

As of press time, Gaines had reportedly gotten an offer of $20 million to air the pilot on NBC.

Woodpecker Absolutely Going to Town on Kid’s Memorial Tree

Posted on June 19, 2021 by Ben Friedman

AUBERRY, Calif. — A local woodpecker, ignoring the desperate pleas of parents, continued to go completely apeshit on a tree that was planted in memory of a child that passed away far too soon, multiple upset sources confirmed.

“These people have been up my ass all morning, and now I’m hours behind schedule. Seems like you can’t instinctively burrow a hole without one of these flesh bags pitching a fit,” said the golden-fronted woodpecker while furiously smashing wood with its face. “I don’t know why they’re all crying so much, and they keep bringing up this ‘Daniel’ character and a ‘tragic hunting accident,’ but I definitely don’t see his name on this tree. All I see is this pristine, choice cottonwood that’s full of delicious fucking bugs and, one day, will make a fine domicile if these clowns stop yelling and throwing rocks at me.”

Jack Williams, the father of the deceased boy, couldn’t believe that park rangers would just allow a wild animal to desecrate his son’s memorial.

“Our Daniel loved this forest and the peace he found within it. So when I paid $200 to have this tree planted in his memory, I expected to get my money’s worth, dammit. Don’t these khaki pants-wearing fuckheads provide some kind of service to prevent nature from taking its course sometimes?” said Williams while trying to shake the tree. “I mean look at this giant hole! Like this bird knows how Daniel died and is making a mockery of his accident. Next they’re going to tell me the tree is full of termites.”

Forest rangers sympathized with the Walker family, but admitted that there was very little to be done about the woodpecker.

“I know this tree symbolizes a lot of things to the Walkers, but at the end of the day nature is going to be, you know, nature. No point in telling this bird to fuck off just for doing what its name implies,” said park ranger Avalon Compton. “Fact is, it’s one of many memorial trees in this forest that have met unfortunate fates. They’ve been struck by lightning, felled by beavers, and last year a whole swath was chopped down by some crazy survivalist who just wanted to live off the grid. Shit happens.”

The woodpecker eventually abandoned the tree after discovering that it was infested with foliage destroying gypsy moths.

5 Fancy Ways to Smoke Weed so You Don’t Feel as Bad About Failing to Launch

Posted on June 19, 2021 by Eric Navarro

Hey, pothead! That’s right you lazy stoner. So you failed to launch? Big fucking deal. You’re back with your folks and spending all your time smoking weed, unemployed, and hating your life. You’re 32 and living like a teenager. Well it’s time to DO SOMETHING about it. Get off your couch, put down that bowl made out of a coke can, and go find a fancier way to smoke. You’ll feel like you’re worth a million bucks, and this time it won’t be because of how much college debt you owe.

Here are 5 sophisticated ways to smoke weed that will leave you feeling settled with your life despite your ever-burning sadness over how much you settled in life:

Grind your weed directly over the bowl like it’s pepper at a nice restaurant – More green in your bowl, sir? Now you’re living large! So large, in fact, that you’ll feel like your parents’ basement is actually a five star restaurant. Well, after you smoke a bunch you will.

Smoke out of your dad’s pipe – “Why don’t you at least apply for a job?” “You just gonna sit around on your butt your whole life?” “Why don’t you not smoke for just one week?” Goddamn, check out the fucking inquisition over here. Well I got a question for you: where is your fucking pipe? One hit off that fancy-ass dad-pipe may not make you a semi-successful salesman like him, but it’ll sure make you feel like one. Each pull from that magnificent herb vessel will transport your mind, body, and soul to one of Dad’s luxurious sales trips. Just make sure to clean it real good before you put it back, so we don’t get in trouble.

Hold your joint underhand, all “Mad Men” style – Okay, this one’s a little tricky. Hold the joint with your thumb and pointer finger (like a normal fucking person) but turn your wrist into an underhand position so you look like a cool ’50s businessman who cheats on his wife but never his taxes. You know, the kind of guy your dad was, which is why he has no concept of how hard it is to get a job. Man, he’ll never understand. But fuck him anyway, you look fucking fancy, bro!

Light your weed with one of those big ass kitchen lighters – Lighters dead? No problem. Go ask your mom where they keep that giant fucking lighter. It’s probably bright and red, you can’t miss it. Lighting your gravity bong with one of these bad boys will make you feel like you’re the most important man in the world, smoking the most important weed in the world. I guess matches would also be pretty fancy but all the ones your dad has are from Red Roof Inns, and that’s honestly actually a step backwards from where you’re at.

Lead Singer Pretty Sure There Are Still Some COVID Restrictions Stopping Him From Helping With Load In

Posted on June 19, 2021 by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Vocalist Trevor Handler of Reseda pop punk band Half-Hazzard insisted that his reluctance to help the band move gear in and out of tonight’s show was due to his strict adherence of Covid guidelines, exhausted sources confirmed.

“I take the suggestions of the CDC very seriously. I’m not touching anything until Fauci himself gives me an itemized list of what’s safe to handle. If that means not being able to help my bandmates carry their heavy amps up and down this narrow staircase, then so be it,” said Handler while sipping a complimentary beer. “We don’t know the full scope of this disease; bass cabs might be hot spots for mutating variants. I’m not willing to put myself or the other brave frontmen on this show at risk by contaminating the mic.”

While Handler’s devotion to the health of the group was appreciated, drummer Steve Sanders said he was hoping to see an end to these restrictions soon.

“I would say I’m excited to get back to normal, but Trevor never helped me carry any gear before the pandemic either. He would always give some bullshit excuse about being the face of the band and needing to work the room, and now he claims that he’s worried about my China cymbal getting him sick. It’s fucked up,” said Sanders. “Honestly, I don’t even think he’s vaxxed. He would have made a big deal out of it. And he’s been talking to those two women backstage without a mask for like an hour.”

Mark Davers, Director of Societal Affairs for the CDC, stressed the importance of continuing to practice safety guidelines in the face of social pressure.

“This will be a challenging time for people dedicated to stopping the spread. Just last week my wife wanted me to help around the house. But sadly I declined. This is not the time to relax our standards,” said Davers. “For the foreseeable future, I would suggest using the pandemic as an excuse to not pick your friends up at the airport, help anyone move, or do anything else that might make you miss the playoffs. We will go back to the excruciating reality of life soon enough.”

Handler was unavailable for further questions as he was busy doing lines of cocaine with four members of the opening band in the building’s only bathroom stall.

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Pretty Hate Machine,” the 1989 debut from Nine Inch Nails.

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