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Body Dysmorphia Reaches All-Time High Following Release of New Gildan Intimate Apparel Collection

MONTREAL — An alarming new study revealed that body dysmorphia diagnoses skyrocketed just hours after clothing manufacturer Gildan released a highly maligned intimate apparel collection.

“I’ve always thought of myself as ‘body positive.’ Then I tried on the Gildan lace bodysuit, and my life was tipped upside down. I’ve had to go through hours of therapy to compensate for the 18 seconds that I was wearing that one piece of clothing,” said unhappy customer Kira Santori. “I’ve never had lingerie that was so long that the bottom half just sort of drooped down around my knees. I kept thinking my torso was the problem. Plus, it was so tight around my chest that my tits ached for the next four days. Ever since then I’ve only been wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. Gildan stole my confidence.”

Big box stores were forced to pull the Gildan After DarkⓇ series from the shelves after customers in various fitting rooms could be heard shrieking every time they saw themselves in the mirror.

“Whenever I saw a guest approach the dressing room with a piece of Gildan clothing I would go on break. It was too emotionally taxing to hear the screams of these people. They just wanted to look nice, and that clothing ruined them,” said WalMart employee Trish Forsette. “I did at least 15 hours of overtime every week trying to dry the tears in the changing booths. And people kept breaking our mirrors just trying to avoid having to see themselves. Buying a loved one that nightwear is possibly the most cruel thing a person could do, but could be an easy out if you’re not trying to be the bad guy who does the breaking up.”

Gildan representatives were caught off guard by the criticism.

“We take great pride in all our products. Comfort, value, and great fits are our priority. That’s why we only use the finest wooden barrels as our dress forms,” said Product Development Specialist Andy Belanger. “Our Research and Development team is always tweaking our designs with the customer in mind. That’s why we’re introducing a new line of athletic wear with extra wide shoulders, narrow waist, and sleeve holes that are so tight they will cut off the circulation to your hands to perfectly compliment every body type.”

Hanes announced they will also be introducing a new line of Beefy Lingerie to “add comfort and durability” to the intimates industry.