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Local Basement Venue Lifted Mask Mandate Last March

NEW YORK — Local venue Splatz Diner got a head start on lifting the mask mandate by declaring masks unnecessary since March 27, 2020, sources said.

“We tried the whole ‘social distancing’ thing but it just didn’t work with our venue. Typically everyone would adhere to the CDC guidelines but as soon as a breakdown hit, there was no way to have a socially distant pit, so we had to improvise,” explained venue owner Zach “Splatz” McPherson. “Even though we didn’t have a mask ordinance in place at our spot, I saw a bunch of people only lowering theirs to talk into the person’s ear who was next to them, so they could hear OK, and to do breath checks to make sure they weren’t too sloppy to drive home. We were all in that together, and still take the safety of the scene seriously.”

Although recent research shows that vaccines are effective without masks, some venue attendees are still hesitant to go to shows.

“The pandemic hit New York really hard in 2020 and I still think about that when I go out,” stated attendee Emma Hernandez. “Even though I’m vaccinated now, I would never step foot in that shithole ever again, that place is disgusting. It’ll be the epicenter of COVID until 2082. There’s no windows, the litter box is just the entire floor, and I’ve seen people having ‘pillow fights’ with the insulation that’s falling out of the drop ceiling. One time my friend and I went to a show there before the pandemic and I think he might have actually gotten polio. Lesson learned.”

Despite the outright refusal to adhere to CDC guidelines on behalf of the venue and many like it, experts expressed a silver lining.

“As we enter the end of this round of the COVID pandemic here in the United States, people are excited to get back out there and enjoy the things they didn’t get to do all year, or in some cases, continued to do quietly the entire time,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci. “While we witness a steady decline in positive COVID-19 diagnoses over the last few months, the number of common cold and flu rates, positive STD tests, and mass shootings haven’t changed at all since February 2020 thanks to these efforts.”

In order to make people feel more safe, Splatz has begun to offer vaccines to anyone who pays a $10 cover.