BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local Korn fan Floyd Brennan recently admitted that the band hit its peak approximately 50 seconds into the song “Blind,” confirmed sources…
Clown From Slipknot Makes New Year’s Resolution to Hit a Beer Keg With His Baseball Bat at Least 50 Times a Day
DES MOINES, Iowa — Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan reportedly resolved to hit a beer keg with his baseball bat at least 50 times a…
Patriotic Nu Metal Fan Does It for the Nookie and Country
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local nu metal fan, and proud American, Gary Buski says everything he does in life is in pursuit of nookie and to…
Alanis Morissette Updates “Ironic” to Include Line About How the Only Hot Member of Limp Bizkit Wears a Mask
OTTAWA, Ontario — Beloved ‘90s singer-songwriter Alanis Morissette updated her classic song “Ironic” to highlight the absurdity that the only attractive member of Limp Bizkit,…
Kamala Harris Lead Jumps in Iowa After Naming “Vol 3. (The Subliminal Verses)” as Favorite Slipknot Album
DES MOINES, Iowa — A new poll shows Kamala Harris’ lead over Donald Trump nearly doubled after telling rallygoers that her favorite Slipknot album was…
Five Ancient Otherworldly Entities We Accidentally Summoned While Learning the Scat-Singing Part of “Freak on a Leash”
After years of denial, we at The Hard Times finally opened up and were honest with ourselves about our proclivity for nu-metal. As such, we…
Nu Metal Dad Excited for Sweatshirt and Jorts Season
DES MOINES, Iowa — Local nu metal enthusiast, and father of four, David Trilling admitted Autumn is his favorite season so he can wear his…
Our Next President Needs To Bring Back Family Values, By Which I Mean Korn’s Semi-Annual Family Values Tour
Let’s face it. This country has changed and not for the better. Inflation, never-ending wars, global warming, and overall lack of decency. We all know…
Chino Moreno Caught Moaning Into Oscillating Fan Again
SACRAMENTO, Calif.— Deftones frontman Chino Moreno was recently discovered belting out various moans and screams into an oscillating fan while working on one of his…
Nu Metal Dad Sits Teenage Son Down to Have the “Nookie Talk”
INDIANAPOLIS — Nu metal superfan Travis Cornwall reportedly sat his son down to have the “Nookie Talk” after the teenager started asking about the “birdz…
25 Deftones Songs To Discreetly Announce How Uncomfortably Horny You Are To the World
It can be difficult to communicate to everyone how horny you are in a way that all parties understand. Gone are the days when you…
Hand to god, this thing was a steal. At least I thought it was. 2001 Pontiac Aztek GT. 40k miles. One owner. Spotless Carfax report.…
Every Helmet Album Ranked Worst to Best
Helmet is less of a band and more of an idea and really a solo act with supporting musicians. Paige Hamilton is the only constant…
Top 50 Nu Metal Songs for When You’re Mad at Your Parents
Let’s get this straight right off the bat: Nu Metal fucking rules. Also, it’s “Nu” and not “n” followed by the motley crue letter. And…
Nu-Metal Conjoined Twins Born Connected by Dreadlock
APPLETON, Wisc. — Hot Topic co-workers, Brandy Graff and Dilan Hoffstedter, were “hella stoked” to welcome healthy twin boys conjoined by a single dreadlock, into…