Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Hard Times Fest is Coming Soon

Posted on June 18, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

We all miss live shows. And we all miss standing out in the sun for over eight hours a day, with the constant drone of a band we sort of recognize in the background while friends get drunk, couples break up, and we end up getting admitted to the hospital because of dehydration and sunstroke.

That’s why we created Hard Times Fest. We spent the entirety of the pandemic blackmailing bands so they will be forced to play this fest, and we booked some of the best in the business. More announcements coming soon. But for now, start preparing. We can’t wait to see you.

– Your friends at The Hard Times

How Am I Supposed To Keep a Plant Alive If I Can’t Even Keep a Kid Alive?

Posted on June 18, 2021 by John Danek

As an elder millennial, I experience a lot of pressure to assume more responsibility than I may necessarily be ready for. Unfortunately, buying a house is out of reach with my minuscule income from testing VR porn video technology. I had the idea to dip my toes in the waters of home ownership by possibly getting a houseplant.

The thing is, I don’t have a great track record of keeping living things alive. Case in point: my multiple dead children.

Who knew you have to feed them every single day? Like, they should give you a handbook or something when you leave the hospital. Or at least a link to a YouTube video! I bet Vsauce has a video on how to keep a human baby alive. But how would you just know?

The first one definitely wasn’t my fault. Really, none of them were. Nothing is my fault. But if I were to take blame as a silly thought experiment, it would probably be for my forgetfulness. I need to get better about writing things down. Maybe this is the year I really start using Google Calendar.

Let’s look on the bright side: All three kids were great learning experiences. Teddy, Sarah, and the other one taught me so much about responsibility. I learned to be honest with myself and to ask myself the tough questions.

Am I even at the point in my life where a plant can rely on me to consistently be there, stealing my attention away from Skyrim? I’m not so sure. I’m just not there yet. I think I will be at some point, but I really don’t know when. You have to water plants so frequently, and I think sometimes you have to do stuff to the soil. And how do you know which ones need direct sunlight? I’m no botanist!

The indecision makes other aspects of life tough, like dating. If a girl starts talking about getting a houseplant on a first Bumble date, it’s a huge red flag to me. Like, woah. Why don’t you just cut the bullshit and handcuff us together now? I’m just trying to have a good time and see where things go.

So no, I’m not ready for a houseplant yet. And I think it’s healthy to allow myself that grace. Ask me again in my 40’s.

Punk Cicada Has 17-Year Hangover

Posted on June 18, 2021 by Yancy Lee Crawford

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Punk legend and resurrected Brood X cicada Titus Umbilicus emerged from the earth this week extremely late and hungover despite the fact that he should be dead.

“Goddammit, how much did I have to drink in 2004? Uggghh, I feel like shit,” Umbilicus remarked while trying not to puke up the Gatorade he slurped off a nearby picnic table. “I remember falling into a Solo cup of Natty Light at a college graduation party. I drank my way out to survive, but then I fell into the Jell-o shot next to it, for fun. Last thing I remember was just sort of hanging out and talking about D-beat and the imperialist invasion of Iraq. At the end of the night, I guess I crawled back underground and sorta passed out.”

Newly hatched Brood X cicada Taylor Thorax was furious at the elder cicada for showing up late and not doing his part for the greater good of the species.

“I get that he’s hungover or whatever, but Titus had the last 17 years to nurse this hangover. He’s actively wasting his last chance at a good life,” Thorax vented while also making the longest and shittiest mating call in all of nature. “Look at him now, I mean, he’s watching daytime Comedy Central through a window for fuck’s sake! Titus is supposed to be sucking on tree sap and starting a family like everybody else, but partying is preventing him from attracting a suitable mate and living a long, happy five-week life above ground. Honestly, everybody in the chorus is worried he’ll never figure it out.”

Entomologist Dr. Kimmie Sellers said she believes the rare cicada demonstrates an enhanced immunity to alcohol and resistance to aging that could eventually have implications for human life.

“Even for creatures that spend nearly two decades underground, this is highly unusual,” Dr. Sellers said while observing the hungover cicada smoking weed from an empty can under an oak tree. “This kind of behavior should be killing him, but it isn’t. It’s almost like the continued exposure to loud music and fun kept this creature physically younger and mentally happier than its peers. It seems we have a lot to learn from this strange insect.”

As of press time, Titus Umbilicus was last seen sharing leftover bits of a breakfast burrito in the bottom of a Miller High Life bottle with three other socially-ostracized insects.

We Listened to Every Pavement Album and Now We Ride the Jilted Barber’s Pony Pentagon Adrift the Carrot Tuxedo’s Hi-Hat Mezzanine

Posted on June 18, 2021 by Mike Civins

Somebody help! I just listened to every Pavement album in a row, and now even the simplest conversation is like taking a giant ramrod to raze the demon settlement but high-ho silver ride.

I actually love Pavement, but after listening to Stephen Malkmus’ dizzying cavalcade of surreal lyrics over and over again, even mundane tasks like ordering a bagel with cream cheese or asking the super to fix the bathroom sink have become overwhelming kaleidoscopic journeys of words and goddamnit the floor is getting soaked!

Just this morning I tried ordering a large cold brew coffee but ended up asking for “a protein delta strip in an abandoned houseboat with slim doors, red ropes, and periscopes.” What does that even mean?!

My family is starting to worry. I talked to my mom last night and wanted to know if she took Ruby to the vet but all that came out was “no castration fear in a chair and that we should chim chim chim sing a song of praise for your elders in the back and then pick out some Brazilian nuts for your engagement.” My own mother hung up on me!

Things only got worse when I got pulled over on the way to work, and I told the cop that my license and registration were in “an empty dock you cast away with crotch-mavens and one-night plays.” She let me go after I passed the breathalyzer but she almost changed her mind when I asked her, “What about the voice of Geddy Lee and how did it get so high, I wonder if he speaks like an ordinary guy?” instead of just saying “thanks.”

I need to reverse whatever spell I’m under. I’m referencing Smashing Pumpkins and Stone Temple Pilots with casual aplomb. I’m creeping out the staff at Home Depot talking about the “quasar in the mist, the Kaiser has a cyst, and I’m a blank want list,” but I actually do need to rent a decent Shop-Vac because the bathroom sink is still busted and my super thinks I’m on drugs.

Maybe if I listen to every Imagine Dragons album in a row it’ll cancel out whatever the hell is going on with me but in the meantime oh my god, oh your god, oh his god, oh her god
It’s everybody’s god, it’s everybody’s god, it’s everybody’s god, it’s everybody’s god, the worlds collide, but all that I want is a shady lane.

Metronome Helps Man Count Time He’s Wasted Pursuing Career in Music industry

Posted on June 18, 2021 by Dianne Nora

LOS ANGELES — Local aspiring indie rock musician since he was 14 years old, Adrian Kidwell, reportedly credits his metronome with counting the time he whittles away trying to forge a career in the music industry, according to supportive sources.

“I’m playing much tighter now, with every click reminding me of all the time, money, and prospective relationships I’ve wasted and sunk down the drain in the pursuit of being a working artist,” he explained while tapping his foot to the count of 60 BPM. “I’ve never been more in time, with each beat taking me closer to dying broke and alone, and I definitely wouldn’t be able to do it without this thing.”

Guitar Place owner Valerie Dowd recalled having supplied a wide variety of tools for musicians to distract themselves from the bills piling up thanks to the van they bought with strangers they met online two years earlier.

“As a small business, we understand how difficult times are for emerging artists,” Dowd said. “That’s why, in addition to stocking the best instruments, amps, and tools for indie musicians who play to crowds of two or three people waiting for the headliner, we recently began offering music lessons. Our instructors offer classes specially designed for these artists, teaching everything from how to improve their vocal pitch when crying in the shower to which mic cables make the best hanging ropes. Someone’s gotta look out for them.”

Jon Billings, a representative for Sony Music Entertainment, explained that competition in the industry has never been steeper for the many suckers who apparently are not too concerned with ever being able to own property.

“When I hear that sound of absolute passion and a near-lifetime of determined expression in a sample, the knowledge that every beat is bringing someone one step closer to a miserable death alone and unknown is what allows me to get up in the morning and be driven here to work every day,” Billings explained. “I know that’s the type of artist I want to string along for a few meetings before ultimately deciding to rep the teen with the most TikTok followers.”

At press time, Kidwell was optimistic that the new tuner he was eyeing would help him hear the exact moment he’d need to abandon his dreams and get a corporate job.

Amazing! Disney Gave This Marvel Fan the Opportunity To Give Himself a Terminal Illness and See “Black Widow” Early

Posted on June 17, 2021 by Eric Navarro

Once again, Disney has taken tragedy and turned it into something we can upvote on Reddit. When superfan Brian McKenzie learned there was going to be a Black Widow movie but he had no way of seeing it early, he found a silver lining: Disney’s well-known policy of giving fans the opportunity to contract a terminal illness in exchange for an early screening.

“Those days after I first heard about ‘Black Widow’ were pretty dark. But when I read about this child with leukemia who saw a new Star Wars movie before its release, I knew there was hope,” Brian shared from his hospital bed. “Hope that, just maybe, I could fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing a Marvel movie before any other dipshit children get to.”

Brian didn’t have a life-threatening condition at the time. But for the film and television studio behind such feats of animation magic as “The Lion King” (2019) and “Song of the South” (1946), fixing that was as easy as wishing upon a star.

“I can’t believe it, I’m really going to see ‘Black Widow,’” Brian said through shuddering breaths. “I’m more into The Hulk, but I saw the last one of those in theaters with a bunch of unwashed commoners and thought to myself, ‘I will die before I see another Marvel movie like this.’ Fortunately, the fine folks at Disney were able to make both of those things happen for me.”

A few short months ago, Brian was just an ordinary 27-year-old guy. Now, he’s a guy who’s going to see “Black Widow” several days early, and who has less than a month to live. And it’s all thanks to The Walt Disney Company’s tireless efforts.

“People say Disney is an evil corporation with no soul. That’s simply not true,” Disney representative Mark Santino said. “Walt Disney has a soul. A soul that needs to feed. That’s why we offer the ultimate fan experience. Exchanging one measly human lifetime for a proper viewing of ‘Black Widow’ is quite the bargain, if you really think about it.”

Thank you, Disney, for helping fans cross over into the afterlife. You truly are the grim reaper in mouse ears.

Retail Clerk Feels Sense of Normalcy as Customer Screams for Manager in Her Face

Posted on June 17, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

ROCKFORD, Ill. — Retail clerk Emma Stephenson finally began to feel a sense of normalcy as an unreasonably irate customer screamed directly in her face demanding to speak with the manager, uncomfortable witnesses confirmed.

“It’s been scary to work at a supermarket during the pandemic,” explained Stephenson, who has been employed as a cashier by Kroger for the past three years. “Changing CDC requirements, confusing local regulations, people calling me a hero. It’s all been strange and overwhelming. But when a middle-aged woman in crocs calls me a ‘fucking shit-for-brains’ in front of a group of children and says she’ll call the cops for not having any more Dasani in stock, things are starting to feel familiar again.”

“Also, there isn’t any more Dasani to ‘check in the back,’” Stephenson wearily added. “There’s nothing in the back. There never is.”

Michael Bashier, the customer immediately next in line, also found the demeaning interaction strangely comforting.

“This is the first time in 16 months that I feel like the supermarket is getting back to normal,” Bashier said while watching the woman claim that her “husband is a cop.” “I still sanitize everything I own, and even though the CDC has said vaccinated people can go without masks in a lot of circumstances, I’ve felt too nervous. But that woman spraying spit and promising the cashier that she’s going to ‘see her in court for this’ makes me hopeful for the first time in a long time.”

Lucy Zhang, a representative for the Chicago Department of Public Health, is familiar with this reaction.

“People are looking for signs that things will start to feel safe again, that we’re finally getting back to where we were a year ago,” Zhang explained. “This is actually pretty common and getting even more so as restrictions relax. Absolute pieces of shit like that Karen are akin to the first blooms in spring, in their own way. They show that change is happening. And even the smallest indications that everyday life is resuming, from going out to eat at a restaurant without feeling crushing guilt to having wild, unprotected sex with a stranger you just met at an Applebee’s, is an enormous relief to many people.”

“Applebee’s is great,” Zhang continued, with a faraway look in her eyes.

As of press time, a crowd of customers and Kroger employees were gently smiling as the woman slammed her purse into the ground over and over.

How to Fake Interest While Your Bassist Talks About Victor Wooten

Posted on June 17, 2021 by John Danek

Being a musician isn’t as glamorous as Hollywood will have you believe. It’s not all overnight success and invulnerability to lethal amounts of cocaine. You have to play bad shows to empty venues, you eventually need to learn some modicum of music theory, and you may even have to endure conversations with your bass player.

Thankfully, we have a ton of experience dealing with that last thing. Here are some of our best tips for feigning interest while your bassist yaps on and on about “virtuoso bassist” Victor Wooten. And no, saying “slappa da baaaaass!” over and over will not be enough to fulfill your bassist’s unquenchable thirst for attention. Trust us.

Maintain Eye Contact and Have Stock Responses Prepared – Maintaining eye contact with a bassist can go a long way, as they are not used to such high-caliber acknowledgment. It shows that you are in a position of power over them (in case they forgot). Bassists tend to avert their gaze after describing some ‘insane B flat mixolydian lick’ Victor pulled off on a live performance. Try saying things like, “Woah, it must be hard to throw harmonics into lines like that!” Maybe even bob your head while they mouth-sing bass solos to you. Be careful to not seem genuinely curious about learning any more information, though.

Remember: “Victor Wooten” Isn’t Real – Psychologists have yet to fully understand the shared delusion disorder of the bass community, but Victor Wooten is the most prominent example. There is no evidence to suggest that a godlike bassist with incredible music theory knowledge and skill exists. Yet, bassists will swear that they’ve seen him live or in videos on YouTube. There are even cases of beginner bassists talking about Victor Wooten mere days after receiving their first bass for Christmas. Keep this in mind whenever your bassist mentions picking up a new slap technique from him.

Do NOT Attempt to Explain to the Bassist that Victor Wooten Is Not Real – Similar to how waking up a sleepwalker can be exceedingly dangerous, you should never attempt to prove that there is no such thing as a “Victor Wooten.” The fantasy of this extraordinary bassist ultimately isn’t really hurting anyone, except your bassist’s self-esteem and dating chances, but the ramifications of shattering your bassist’s worldview could be catastrophic.

We hope these tips help in your dealings with even one of your bassist’s insufferable delusions. Unfortunately, you will have many more to fake interest in, like whether the tone knob on a bass does anything at all.

Shy Guitarist Gets Black Orange Amp

Posted on June 17, 2021 by John Danek

TORONTO — Bashful punk guitarist Skyler Vore acquired a new Orange Rockerverb amp last week, but chose the understated, subtle black tolex color instead of the famous vibrant orange, much to fans’ frustration.

“People would think I’m some loudmouth asshole if I showed up with an amp that requires sunglasses to look at,” the reticent Vore admitted while avoiding all eye contact. “Who even buys those? Probably the same narcissists who get bright green Fenders, or put their name in album liner notes. Attention-grabbing whores.”

“Music isn’t about gear, looks, captivating an audience, or being entertaining in any sense of the word,” continued Vore, who often has to be goaded with snacks away from behind his half-stack. “It’s about communicating via sounds. Hell, I tell every venue’s lighting engineer to never put a light on me; they almost never oblige.”

Fans of Vore’s band, The Inexplicably Wet, have been disappointed by the guitarist’s lack of stage presence and charisma.

“He just faces his amp the whole time, and never turns around to let us see what he’s playing. He also had a stack of milk crates blocking his pedal board for some reason — I don’t know what he was worried about with that,” protested longtime fan Cara Haig. “I’ve been waiting for The Inexplicably Wet to come to Toronto for years; if I wanted to stare at a man’s back for two hours, I could’ve gone to a Guitar Center and asked an employee to let me try a guitar. Also, the singer kept having to reach and turn up his amp because Skyler turns himself down. Who does that?”

Orange Amplification’s technical director Ade Emsley addressed the reasoning behind their two options of amp colors.

“Since when in the bloody fuck did we sell Orange Amps in black? Who the fuck approved that? Orange Amps should be bloody ORANGE!” slurred Emsley. “If an orange guitar amplifier is too ostentatious for you, play a fucking piccolo, you nerd. Have fun wanking to softcore instead of hooking up with groupies after the gig.”

Furthering Vore’s mystique, leaked pictures showed him sanding the pointy edges of his new B.C. Rich guitar down to a smooth, gentle angle.

Star Wars Fan Won’t Stop Asking George Lucas How Big Chewbacca’s Hog Is

Posted on June 16, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

NICASIO, Calif. — Longtime Star Wars fan Jon Eaton was charged with trespassing on Skywalker Ranch, allegedly hoping to ask George Lucas if the seven-and-a-half-foot-tall Wookiee warrior Chewbacca has a massive cock, law enforcement officials confirmed.

“I’ve sent countless letters, emails, and made dozens of phone calls, but no one put me through to the man himself,” Eaton stated. “The closest I came was at a Q&A at a convention, but they had security throw me out. I don’t know why everyone acts like this is a pathological obsession or bizarre behavior. Chewie is naked in all his appearances, so there’s no way anyone who’s ever watched the movies hasn’t asked themselves how big or small that Wookiee dong is. The people have a right to know.”

Friends of Eaton noted that his quest to determine the size of Chewie’s dong has consumed his life.

“All of us are getting pretty worried about Jon,” noted now ex-girlfriend Sarah Klein. “Initially it was kind of funny to shoot the shit about the personal lives of Stars Wars characters. Like whether or not the Ewoks get huge, clumping dingleberries, or if Max Rebo uses his long trunk for autoerotic asphyxiation, but Jon’s taken it way too far. I told him he needed to get help and he insisted it was just natural curiosity. Right before I kicked him out of the apartment, I checked his Google search history and it was all variations of ‘Chewbacca penis size,’ and ‘die from sadness.’”

While Lucas himself was not available for comment, a representative for Lucasfilm did speak on the director’s behalf.

“We’re well aware of Mr. Eaton’s demands for information on the genitalia of one of our characters, and at this time have no further comment,” the representative said. “There are plenty of books and websites that are official Star Wars canon that provide a wealth of information about the biology of the various alien races within the Star Wars Universe that may be of assistance to Mr. Eaton. We’d also like to point out that these are intended to be family films and therefore we never gave much thought to the sexual organs of each individual character.”

At press time, Eaton was writing a letter to his local congressman demanding that they pass a law forcing LucasFilm to reveal whether or not Jabba the Hutt has a gag reflex.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News