CHICAGO — Exasperated cardiologist Dr. Everett Johnston is struggling to explain to his math rock guitarist patient that an arrhythmia, the irregular beating of the…
HAGERSTOWN, Md. — Local millennial Cassie Dunbar recently reached the very last Zillow listing and immediately pivoted to scrolling through out-of-network doctors, sources desperate to…
DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local delinquent Christine Pritchard surprised friends and family when she somehow obtained a prescription for cigarettes, according to impressed fellow small-time grifters.…
CAMDEN, Conn. — A blockbuster study conducted by Quinnipiac University found that on average, 10 out of 10 American doctors unilaterally believe that being paid…
What the hell are you talking about?! My self-care cannot be self-harm. That would be impossible. Nobody cares more about me than me. Look, you…
LOS ANGELES — Local therapist Dr. Dana Therenspoon gave their patient exactly one month to live during a routine check-in, after months of increasingly lame…
BOSTON — A report from the Berklee College of Music showed that half of the attendees at a recent Placebo show only thought they were…
SEATTLE — A coalition of ‘90s doctors announced this morning that fully vaccinated individuals are safe to peruse each other’s overstuffed CD binders in a…
BETHESDA, Md. — President Donald Trump is recovering from COVID-19 symptoms and home from the hospital where he keeps asking doctors when he can have…
So last week I was feeling under the weather: sniffling, a little dry cough, fever, you know the drill. Normally I would just ignore it,…
FORT WASHINGTON, Md. — Wayne LaPierre, the chief executive of the National Rifle Association (NRA), unveiled a bold plan today to prevent further American coronavirus…
SAN FRANCISCO — A nationwide coalition of physicians held an event today detailing their recommendation for Americans to spend zero hours per day enjoying video…
LOS ANGELES — Surgeons at the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center completed an experimental procedure this morning, adding extra ribs to Morrissey’s aging body to prevent him…
WASHINGTON — Doctors issued a stern warning to former Chief White House Strategist Steve Bannon yesterday, according to leaked medical reports, giving him mere weeks…
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. – Industrial rock legend Marilyn Manson had a previously removed pair of his ribs successfully reattached late last night in an unprecedented medical…